Identity Issues

[Soleil]

I'm not 100% sure what I'm talking about, but I don't really feel like I have an identity sometimes. I'm also not sure if that's normal.

This kind of makes sense; since I grew up as a boy I never had the chance to develop a female identity, so I have to do that now.
For example, my name. I've never really felt attached to my name; it just felt like this term that was applied to me, but wasn't really me. I recently came out as transgender and changed my gender and name to something I'm more comfortable with. And while I like my new name better, it still doesn't feel like "me". And I don't think there's any name that would; it's just a name people say when they want my attention. I used to think this was normal, and then I started to think it's because I'm trans and didn't like my boy name, but now I'm not so sure anymore.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just this thing existing in the world. Moving and interacting with the world feels like it takes a more deliberate effort. Hard to explain, but it's like instead of moving my arm, I have to make my arm move.

Captain Nemo's motto was "Mobilis in Mobili", "Moving through a moving environment", and while he may have meant that literally (the "moving environment" being the sea) that's how I've always felt. Everything is happening around me, and I'm just some thing trying to exist in it, while not being part of it.

 

[Richelle-H]

I don't think identity is something that is fixed. It depends on so many things. Everyone has a private and a public identity and I think it quite rare to find someone who is always the same. I know that I have always modulated my personality based on situation. So, does that make my identity inherently ephemeral?

I have never felt truly connected to the world (the universe is another matter), always feeling alien even in familiar situations, but my identity and expression of that has evolved over time. We are many people in a lifetime, finding what works and what doesn't alters how we feel about ourselves and how that translates/communicates with others.

We discover who we are over time. I am still trying to figure out who I am.

 

[Flown]

*hugs* Your normal is normal for you It is what makes you YOU. You definitely are not alone in these feelings, but I can understand how it can feel that way at times.

I am nonbinary (genderfae), and I can relate to a lot of what you say. I most often feel agender, but I sometimes feel feminine. My given name has NEVER felt right to me, and it took me 40 years to find one that feels like ME. I still haven't legally changed it (in the middle of moving/settling down and the paperwork involved is just too much added stress).

@Richelle-H I just read your post, and I too have that feeling of being alien. I agree that identity can be ephemeral...mercurial even. And trying to "discover who we are" is always a moving target!

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I do not have any perspective with your experience with identity issues, but rather your experience with the world around you moving along and you seem to be floating around in it without direction. The later being a more common phenomenon.

Everyone has their own experience with this in one way or another. Anxiety issues regarding change are often not rational, but are are being influenced by the uncertainty and the amygdala influencing your logic centers. Everyone experiences the same uncertainty regarding the future,...it hasn't happened yet. However, there can be significant differences in a person's attitude towards the future. Some love the planning, the goal setting, the journey,...and ultimately the excitement and boost to the self-esteem one gets when that goal is finally achieved. It's a huge dopamine hit and confidence builder,...and a catalyst to set more goals. This is where you see people who seem to "attack" life, seem to always be driven,...are in control. For the most part, our amygdala,...the fear center can be destructive in the sense that it makes us hesitate, is a source of anxiety and fear,...it can be paralyzing,...can actually cause self-destructive/sabotaging behaviors. Then once you fail to try or you fail because of your behavior,...you try to rationalize some lame excuse that you don't deserve to reach that goal, that it wasn't important, that you really didn't want it, that you are happy with your station in life,...all lies,...but if you say it enough, it becomes "truth".

So, yes, we are all moving within a moving environment,...but are you floating down a "lazy river",...or are you swimming powerfully towards a destination? There is a time to "go where the wind blows you",...and react to whatever life brings you,...as long as it is a short moment in time,...but generally not a good strategy for your life if you are unhappy with your situation. You have to be moving with purpose, and in control of your life,...not reacting to situations seemingly out of your control.

 

[Suzette]

I think feeling "alien" is comon to many with autisim. Myself included. When I realized that I am autistic, and there is a whole community of people like me, I felt I had discovered the secret alien base of my home planet.

I have never been attached to my name either. It's awkward on the tongue and almost no one pronounces it correctly. Including my mother. Something about that hard "et" sound at the end, in combo with the seldom used "zzzz" sound trips people up. My name ending gets mangled often. "Sooz-eh". Most people don't even try. Susan, Suzanne, even Corvette and Yvette are all more commenly said than "Suzette".

I have always wanted to change my name. But nothing ever felt right because changing my name felt like I was lying. I would have liked to be called "Wren". I might do it but I don't because I think my husband would roll his eyes and see it as unnessesary drama. He is kind of a practical guy. (What you see is what you get. Lovely, loving, straight forward)

It used to drive me crazy to not know who I am. That yearning was almost a defining personality trait. As I have gone through life I have come to understand that I am always in the process of "becomeing".

I want so much to be able to point out me like I am a statue or an object, something static and defined. But I am more like a lump of clay always being pushed, pulled, squashed.

That isn't because I am wishy washy. It is because there is just no one right thing or way to be and I am always discovering something new about being.

 

[Sylas]

As nebulous as your expressed feelings are, I think they may be rather common for those with autism or any adjacent conditions?

A pervasive feeling of otherness, that what should come normally and seamlessly requires and undue amount of effort and direct will to enact. That's something I've heard repeated often and that I've myself always experienced.

I think also a very important part of forming a cohesive feeling of identity is carving out some sort of social niche, all humans crave for some sense of belonging and community after all, and that's something usually out of reach for us, at least to a full degree.

Making it even more difficult to generate a real sense of identity, as we lack emotional and psychological anchors in a world that already feels somewhat alien.

Perhaps you're correct in that you were never really transgendered, it may have just been a (relatively speaking) simpler way to explain to yourself and others an issue that runs even deeper than just gender identity.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

My feelings about myself into my late 20s was confused and confusing. While strongly heterosexual, I never felt conventionally male. I never was physically imposing and was uncoordinated, without good reflexes, so never was good at conventional sports and never understood their appeal. I still look at pro sports as dull and boring. And, I could never understand other boys constantly bragging as if they had a pipeline to the truth, though they were dolts and my intellectual inferiors.

But, eventually I liked who I am and was able to become skilled in activities that carry significant risk and move far beyond the dull and constrained lives of those boys.

 

[NB79]

I don't know what is this about finding identity, i never think of this as something important, maybe it sounds like i am dumb or something idk, but my identity is maybe is that i need to wake up everyday and try to be happy and do something, and that i believe in God. I don't care for anything else much.

 

[Jordy]

I don't think identity is something that is fixed. It depends on so many things. Everyone has a private and a public identity and I think it quite rare to find someone who is always the same. I know that I have always modulated my personality based on situation. So, does that make my identity inherently ephemeral?

I have never felt truly connected to the world (the universe is another matter), always feeling alien even in familiar situations, but my identity and expression of that has evolved over time. We are many people in a lifetime, finding what works and what doesn't alters how we feel about ourselves and how that translates/communicates with others.

We discover who we are over time. I am still trying to figure out who I am.

i find it quite annoying when people visibly change their personality around others.

 

[watersprite]

@Soleil I think your writing about this shows how sensitive and intact your self really is. We live in times in which society only ‘honours’ a few approved-of types. The wealthy of course - and those who fit the current inage of beauty & fitness, blah blah.

Your writing is compelling by the way.

I have felt something like you describe my whole adult life. I move from place to place in the world never finding home.

I am a vagabond who pines for the impossible, and, most likely I will never find a solution.

 

[Tom]

Captain Nemo's motto was "Mobilis in Mobili", "Moving through a moving environment"

Maybe what you can use, is a new motto. Something less esoteric, that you have to stop and try and figure out what it means again.

Maybe something like mine which is: 'Ahhhh! I don't want to die. Leave me alone you beast! Mommy!'

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Maybe what you can use, is a new motto. Something less esoteric, that you have to stop and try and figure out what it means again.

View attachment 75510

Maybe something like mine which is: 'Ahhhh! I don't want to die. Leave me alone you beast! Mommy!'

Like the intro song, by Kirk Douglass, no less, it is a Whale of a Tale.

 

[Thinx]

Yes I resonate with the issues. I am gay and nonbinary. I changed my name when I came out as gay, I didn't want a girl's name. Or a boy's name. My name doesn't convey a gender. Nevertheless I am assumed to be female mostly I think. Sometimes male.

Society and culture do weild power.
So that can then sometimes be felt by us, especially in minority groups or identities. Plus people tend not to validate us. Identity is a shifting thing.

 

[Soleil]

I have never been attached to my name either. It's awkward on the tongue and almost no one pronounces it correctly. Including my mother. Something about that hard "et" sound at the end, in combo with the seldom used "zzzz" sound trips people up. My name ending gets mangled often. "Sooz-eh". Most people don't even try. Susan, Suzanne, even Corvette and Yvette are all more commenly said than "Suzette".

My birth name was a very common, two-syllable name. My current name is just one letter different. No matter how hard I try, people just cannot understand me when I say my name, so I have to resort to using my middle name instead.

Perhaps you're correct in that you were never really transgendered, it may have just been a (relatively speaking) simpler way to explain to yourself and others an issue that runs even deeper than just gender identity.

I don't think I said I'm not really transgender. I was declared to be a boy, but I don't feel I am; I am trans by definition, and I'm fine with that label.
You are kind of right though; I identify as nonbinary mostly because I just don't know how else to describe my gender.

i find it quite annoying when people visibly change their personality around others.

I don't think it's always deliberate though. My personality changes unconsciously based on how relaxed I am. If I'm around strangers, then I'm pretty quiet. If I feel I can let my guard down, then I'm much sillier and childish.

Your writing is compelling by the way.

Aw, thanks! I express myself better through text than through speech; I'd be far less coherent if I had to actually say all this.

 

[Suzette]

Aw, thanks! I express myself better through text than through speech; I'd be far less coherent if I had to actually say all this.

I am like that too. It is almost like a bridge is missing between my thoughts and verbal expression but isn't missing if I just write. In fact, I will write something out, so obviously I know what I want to say, but it doesn't come out my mouth the same way I've tnought it.