If I'm not working/productive, I feel guilty for relaxing

[neverSatisfied]

I recently graduated college and ended up in a well paying job doing programming. I like what I do, but now I have much more free time, and still have an industriousness issue, among others.

To put it simply, if I'm not working, I feel guilty for wasting time, and just dissatisfied. At my 'peak', I was working at a software company part time, doing college full time (over credit limit), and had a few side-businesses/projects running. Even then, I felt guilty when it was time to relax. Felt that any unproductive time is time not pursing my full potential.

Further, any hobby I get into (a deep dive focus on), I turn into work by expecting myself a certain level of production, achievement, and effort. Essentially turning pleasure into work.

During college, I got into cannabis, which I now smoke much less, but still daily before bed. I make sure all my work is done, and house chores are finished. When high, my family enjoys my company more. I'm more understanding, more joyous, I laugh, and generally seem more calm.

I've been diagnosed with depression, and some anxiety. Before cannabis I tried some SSRI's, NRI's, and methylation drugs. But with cannabis, I can't help but see it as a substance that reduces productivity, and hinders achievement. Yet I know that it helps me out, I just can't see it as a proper medication.

Does anyone feel similarly in regards to the need to be productive, or their outlook on cannabis? Thanks.

 

[Nervous Rex]

Same with productivity for me. My anxiety is worst on the days when I feel like I haven't accomplished anything significant that day.

"Productive" can have several different meanings, though. I can get something done at work and then waste my evening staring at my phone and feel like I achieved something that day. I can make no progress at work, but get a project done at home and feel the same way.

 

[neverSatisfied]

"Productive" can have several different meanings, though. I can get something done at work and then waste my evening staring at my phone and feel like I achieved something that day. I can make no progress at work, but get a project done at home and feel the same way.

I definitely agree on that there exists multiple meanings. Maybe a different way to phrase it would be if I made progress towards my goals. Then the question becomes what are your goals, and that would be roughly being efficient with my time. Regardless if I tell myself not to orient my goals in such a way, I'd still react as if that's my goal.

For me, if I have a productive day at work, then go home and play video games, I still feel obligated to do something for myself, outside of my work. While on the contrary, as long as my work sees me as doing my job, I'm indifferent if one day is less productive than the next. But it always comes back to doing something for myself. I tend to think I'm unproductive at work, and when I ask my coworkers and boss, they say essentially the opposite. So perception is also an issue for me.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I tend to think I'm unproductive at work, and when I ask my coworkers and boss, they say essentially the opposite. So perception is also an issue for me.

It was exactly that issue that led me to stressing myself out and then to start meeting with a counselor. That counselor is the one who told me I'm ASD and then explained that I'm also a perfectionist. Apparently, I disregard others people's opinions of myself and focus too much on what I didn't get done, didn't do right, etc.

I'm getting better at telling the perfectionist in my head to calm down and take a back seat, but I'm not perfect at it yet.

 

[SusanLR]

Feel the same here.
I don't work at employment as I'm retired SSD now.
But, I can't really relax for very long around the house without feeling guilty that I didn't get what
I feel I should have done.
When physical ailments slow me down, it is even worse.
I get angry at myself then for being sick in some way even if it is just aches and pains.
I know I move slower then and it prevents me from getting done more than I did.

That's why I stay up most of the night so I can enjoy a little time on-line.
If I did it through the day when I could be getting some work done I would feel guilty.

 

[SDRSpark]

I used to feel guilty/get depressed if I didn't get everything done. Then of course, I wouldn't get much of anything done because I felt depressed. It was a self perpetuating cycle.

What changed for me was that I started seeing rest as being vital to my well being. It became a goal to get enough sleep, to maintain space in my life for my interests and hobbies. I learned how much better I felt and how much better I managed when I did this. In other words, I started seeing rest as productive. The end result of working to get more rest is that I have a better mood, better outlook, better focus when I am working on a hobby, interest or work.

My biggest help in making this change was getting a fitness tracker which tracks sleep, and learning about the effects of sleep deprivation and seeing the fact that I wasn't getting nearly as much sleep as I thought (it's common to lose about an hour of sleep to disturbances, not falling asleep right away, getting up to pee etc.) Once I saw that and started making an effort to get more sleep (it was a challenge which required re-prioritizing my non-work life) I saw a huge difference, and everything else followed.

 

[Nick12]

Dont feel guilty be happy I wish you a verry verry happy day