Illusion

[paulb]

Has anyone created an entire love? Life an entire illusion to keep from being tossed out. But kept things going because, there really is no other way.?

 

[savi83]

About fourteen years ago I worked in a company where I met a girl. She was seventeen and I was eighteen. We spoke a couple of times in work, but when I left the company we lost touch.

Seven years later we met back up via Facebook. I didn't really know her that well, but we spoke a few times and had a laugh. We met up for a few drinks and kissed.

We met up a few times after and it quickly developed into a relationship and I have now been with her for about just over seven years now and we now live together.

It feels as though everything moved quickly and that I didn't really make any decisions like a dream. It just sort of happened. She asks where the relationship is heading: marriage and children, etc.

I have no reason to break things off with her, we are close, care for each other and I wouldn't like to see harm to her, but is it "love" or am I being cruel because I don't know whether I do?

 

[AsperDragon]

Love is the amalgamation of the experiences shared by two or more people. 7 years of shared experiences with someone you care for is love. The more time you spend with her, the more love you share. ....
Now. You can love someone and still grow apart as people. You might even decide that you don't want to continue loving that person. But don't feel badly because you aren't sure. . .i can tell you that you ARE in love. ...you just need to decide if you want that to continue.

 

[On the Inside]

Not sure what you mean by "create an entire love". Do you mean create a fantasy based on an actual experience in order to perpetuate a good feeling, or because circumstances kept you apart? Or do you mean imagine an entire life lived with someone who does or doesn't exist, in a world of your own making, because it's fun?

I had a deep and long lasting love for a person that I had known for several years, we both had strong feelings for each other, but were never "available" when the other one was. We each caused difficulties in the other's relationships as recently as two years ago, so we broke off communication. Now, I didn't exactly "create an entire love", but years of wondering, what ifs, and longing combined into a sort of idealized day dream relationship.

Why is there no other way?

In my case, as I said, we weren't available when the other was, and eventually we both had families which we didn't want to leave. But I couldn't shake the thought that she might have been a soul mate, if there is such a thing. She thought so too. But as stated, things got in the way, so in that sense, there was no other way. I have since dealt with it and put it (mostly, but not entirely) in the past, but it has been hard. It might have been easier to move on if my real relationship was not so difficult, maybe not.

In any case, I have been a victim of my over-developed ability to day dream in many areas, not just relationships. I used to think I was visualizing things to help me realize my goals, I've been able to do that in small ways. After being diagnosed, I realized that I lack the executive functioning and social skills needed to realize the big goals I had for myself. I wasn't visualizing, I was delusional, or at least unrealistic. Now, I am better able to pick goals that are more realistic for me, and find resources needed to help me realize them.

 

[paulb]

Not sure what you mean by "create an entire love". Do you mean create a fantasy based on an actual experience in order to perpetuate a good feeling, or because circumstances kept you apart? Or do you mean imagine an entire life lived with someone who does or doesn't exist, in a world of your own making, because it's fun?

I had a deep and long lasting love for a person that I had known for several years, we both had strong feelings for each other, but were never "available" when the other one was. We each caused difficulties in the other's relationships as recently as two years ago, so we broke off communication. Now, I didn't exactly "create an entire love", but years of wondering, what ifs, and longing combined into a sort of idealized day dream relationship.

Why is there no other way?

In my case, as I said, we weren't available when the other was, and eventually we both had families which we didn't want to leave. But I couldn't shake the thought that she might have been a soul mate, if there is such a thing. She thought so too. But as stated, things got in the way, so in that sense, there was no other way. I have since dealt with it and put it (mostly, but not entirely) in the past, but it has been hard. It might have been easier to move on if my real relationship was not so difficult, maybe not.

In any case, I have been a victim of my over-developed ability to day dream in many areas, not just relationships. I used to think I was visualizing things to help me realize my goals, I've been able to do that in small ways. After being diagnosed, I realized that I lack the executive functioning and social skills needed to realize the big goals I had for myself. I wasn't visualizing, I was delusional, or at least unrealistic. Now, I am better able to pick goals that are more realistic for me, and find resources needed to help me realize them.

Wrong choice of words from me.
Not create a "love life", but continue to live totally as if it existed in my mind in the normal sence. In spouse's mind it's totally been realized and actual.
And this is a few decades existing. From day one moved in together, joint money, credit cards, checking accounts and home and pets. And really only two arguments ever, expect me having more expensive taste. Literally day one.
But the 'love' aspect was rote at least verbally on my part.
Guess there is nothing to complain anout, just wondering if anyone has this going on or feel like it could happen to them.
It could be just the ' never get excited aspect of me.

 

[On the Inside]

Wrong choice of words from me.
Not create a "love life", but continue to live totally as if it existed in my mind in the normal sence. In spouse's mind it's totally been realized and actual.
And this is a few decades existing. From day one moved in together, joint money, credit cards, checking accounts and home and pets. And really only two arguments ever, expect me having more expensive taste. Literally day one.
But the 'love' aspect was rote at least verbally on my part.
Guess there is nothing to complain anout, just wondering if anyone has this going on or feel like it could happen to them.
It could be just the ' never get excited aspect of me.

Oh, I get it. I'm rather embarrassed, going off on a crazy tangent, but it fit into what I've been processing. Well, so does the true intent of your thread.

Yes, I've done that too, if you mean going along with the relationship even though there is an imbalance of feelings. You are fortunate you've only had two arguments, either you are good at playing along, or your spouse is easier to please than mine. It has been a pattern for me, to get swept up in the other person's enthusiasm, only to find myself a bit adrift after a while, but by then life has become irreversible, so to speak. Life moves along much too fast for me, so I wind up doing all sorts of poorly thought out things to try and keep up, in many areas, not just relationships.