I'm Autistic like my brother, but treated very differently by my parents

[CyborgSpaceKitten]

My brother was diagnosed with Aspergers as a young child, while me on the other hand, just realized I was Autistic a year ago, and am currently seeking a professional diagnosis (but it has always been pretty obvious that I was autistic, looking back at my childhood. My parents have acted weird since I told them I was obviously autistic, and they agree with me, but they expect me to be on the same developmental level as him, even though he had all sorts of help all the way through school, and he didn't. They act as though I should have identified these things, such as eye contact and my problems with the volume of my voice already, and worked on them to the point where they aren't issues anymore. They never take into account how hard growing up with undiagnosed autism, and how much I've grown on my own. They only see the negative. Does anyone else have a situation like this?

 

[Mia]

It's no surprise Space Kitten, females were not even thought to have autism. It was thought to be a male left brain disorder, and there have been next to no studies of females on the spectrum. In fact it was thought for a long time, that autism was only discoverable on the male X chromosome. Now scientists know that there are many other genetic markers for autism. Not just one.

I've never been officially diagnosed. And I don't intend to be. As where I live it's still classified as a mental illness.

Don't know why your parents are acting strangely, they've probably known or suspected that you have autism. Think that you should be clear with them about their expectations. As you haven't had the same help as your brother has had. You should if you can, explain to them that most of the things you've done have been on your own. You might be able to suggest that they help you as well, as much as they've aided your brother.

 

[Momo]

My mother always picks out all my "issues" and asks things like: "Why do you do that?—why don't you just stop?" Well, forgive me please if I can't help my autistic traits you so aptly ignored for the entirety of my life. I always thought it was fairly hilarious that my parents never put two and two together, I mean heck, they thought I was deaf when I was younger and went through a whole bunch of ear surgeries because of it, funny thing was, I could hear in the first place, just didn't like talking. My father did eventually figure it out though after a psychologist told him it was highly likely I was autistic, so what did he do? Told me to stop going to her because a diagnosis would only bring stigma, then continued to laugh in my face about how I was a "f****ed up person" and dangled it over me as a threat for so many years, I was honestly terrified that he would tell my mum and then she'd throw me away too. Eh, still haven't told her actually, and at this rate, I probably won't.

 

[Streetwise]

my blood relatives are not interested in me !just the me they want.
so i'm alone, my aunt is the only one who was supportive -can't pick your blood relatives

My mother always picks out all my "issues" and asks things like: "Why do you do that?—why don't you just stop?" Well, forgive me please if I can't help my autistic traits you so aptly ignored for the entirety of my life. I always thought it was fairly hilarious that my parents never put two and two together, I mean heck, they thought I was deaf when I was younger and went through a whole bunch of ear surgeries because of it, funny thing was, I could hear in the first place, just didn't like talking. My father did eventually figure it out though after a psychologist told him it was highly likely I was autistic, so what did he do? Told me to stop going to her because a diagnosis would only bring stigma, then continued to laugh in my face about how I was a "f****ed up person" and dangled it over me as a threat for so many years, I was honestly terrified that he would tell my mum and then she'd throw me away too. Eh, still haven't told her actually, and at this rate, I probably won't.

 

[xudo]

I don't have the exact same issue, as I'm diagnosed with AS and my younger sister is NT. However, my parents are pretty much totally dismissive of my diagnosis. My Mum was even there when I was diagnosed. I don't know whether it's because I "seem" mostly 'normal' and they're used to the way I am otherwise, or whether it's because they can't accept that they missed it and I wasn't diagnosed earlier, but then, like @Mia said...women are underdiagnosed.

 

[Adora]

I have a older brother who is autistic and when he was a kid it was believed he was born brain damaged but a few years ago a psychologist said he is definitely autistic but i also discovered that I am on the spectrum three years ago and I understand girls can be more easily missed than boys,I do have eye contact issues and while some people noticed no one brought up Aspergers until I went three years ago to see a psychologist to help deal with my ptsd issues,but i also grew up with rather slack parents who definitely wouldn't win parent of the year so maybe if things were better it may have been picked up on earlier,I also struggle too with the volume of my voice I sometimes talk loud without realising it and my husband will tell me to turn the volume down.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

For our situation, we were very proactive as parents as soon as each of our sons showed delays and signs and symptoms that appeared atypical. We wanted to know if some condition was involved, so as we could determine how to best handle that. We kept pushing the medical community for answers, and not giving up until we got answers, as we felt putting our head in the sand (being in denial) was uncaring and irresponsible to do.

Although each of our children had sime similar issues regarding speech delays, feeding and sleep difficulties, and sensory sensitivities. this differed in terms of severity and how they showed itself for each of our sons. As well, each of our their personalities seemed to differ, and they each had other issues that were unique. One was more hyperactive and with more sensitivities, and the other had more need for routines and more early behavioral issues.

The point I wanted to make is: We feel each child should be given the same efforts, respect and love, but as we feel each child with Autism is also different, there will be times it will be ok to treat them differently, as they are different, and as each has different abilities, limitations, preferences and needs. So, in the situation of the original poster, the parents we feel should have made the same efforts and showed the same love, but if anything, given more focus and not less to the one with more needs, but equal attention and love. The parents messed up there.

Any number of reasons could explain the parental behavior. They maybe assumed because you were a girl you could blend in and learn to socialize and conform to behaving like your peers. Or maybe subconsciously they did not worry as much if you succeeded as you were a female, and with them thinking you need not be successful at work in the future, so no need for a diagnosis and to consider treatment. Or maybe they did not want that stigma of Autism, once they learned about the Aspergers for your brother. Or sometimes parents show favoritism, towards a son or daughter.

Whatever the reason(s), we as parents never understood parents like that. We see both of our sons as equal in terms of greatness, regardless of their differing personalities and severity level of their conditions, as each has strengths and needs, and we each try to tailor our assistance accordingly and show our appreciation accordingly. One with more abilities does not mean better, and one with more needs does not mean worse. Unfortunately, most parents either seem to want to compete with others to who has the best children, or with pressure to change their child to fit in, or to excel beyond their capabilities , or the opposite: they may want to hide certain things and hope they are not noticed or go away.

 

[fairy_girl]

I got diagnosed early but I do remember that it was hard to get a doctor to tell because I am a girl. Thankfully I got a doctor that told my parents and my parents that I do have autism, they did go through some grieving but they accept it. I generally get dismissed sometimes or others are passive aggressive with me if I don't talk a certain way as NTs in conversations.

 

[Yet_Another_Little_Prof]

Although it was my mother who first labelled me a "Little Professor," I was always deemed to "easy" and "successful" child. The reason is obvious. My brother is much lower functioning than me. Against that yardstick I reckon my parents figured I was NT. Now to cut them some slack, both me and bro are in our 50s. So, back when we were kids, one had to be pretty low functioning for this to be noticed. Of late I've been mentioning my own ASD to my Mom (Dad passed a few years ago). I think she's starting to get it. But it's too little too late.

 

[CyborgSpaceKitten]

For our situation, we were very proactive as parents as soon as each of our sons showed delays and signs and symptoms that appeared atypical. We wanted to know if some condition was involved, so as we could determine how to best handle that. We kept pushing the medical community for answers, and not giving up until we got answers, as we felt putting our head in the sand (being in denial) was uncaring and irresponsible to do.

Although each of our children had sime similar issues regarding speech delays, feeding and sleep difficulties, and sensory sensitivities. this differed in terms of severity and how they showed itself for each of our sons. As well, each of our their personalities seemed to differ, and they each had other issues that were unique. One was more hyperactive and with more sensitivities, and the other had more need for routines and more early behavioral issues.

The point I wanted to make is: We feel each child should be given the same efforts, respect and love, but as we feel each child with Autism is also different, there will be times it will be ok to treat them differently, as they are different, and as each has different abilities, limitations, preferences and needs. So, in the situation of the original poster, the parents we feel should have made the same efforts and showed the same love, but if anything, given more focus and not less to the one with more needs, but equal attention and love. The parents messed up there.

Any number of reasons could explain the parental behavior. They maybe assumed because you were a girl you could blend in and learn to socialize and conform to behaving like your peers. Or maybe subconsciously they did not worry as much if you succeeded as you were a female, and with them thinking you need not be successful at work in the future, so no need for a diagnosis and to consider treatment. Or maybe they did not want that stigma of Autism, once they learned about the Aspergers for your brother. Or sometimes parents show favoritism, towards a son or daughter.

Whatever the reason(s), we as parents never understood parents like that. We see both of our sons as equal in terms of greatness, regardless of their differing personalities and severity level of their conditions, as each has strengths and needs, and we each try to tailor our assistance accordingly and show our appreciation accordingly. One with more abilities does not mean better, and one with more needs does not mean worse. Unfortunately, most parents either seem to want to compete with others to who has the best children, or with pressure to change their child to fit in, or to excel beyond their capabilities , or the opposite: they may want to hide certain things and hope they are not noticed or go away.

It is great to hear the parent's perspective on this. I started speaking pretty late, which my mom always associated with my brother just telling her what I wanted so I didn't have to speak, but I don't think that was truly the case. My brother and I had pretty different traits, although I think more of them were similar than they thought, but they were so busy on making sure my brother who was diagnosed got the care and help he needed that they lost focus on me, and just assumed that I was shy. I'm 29 now, and still trying to get an official diagnosis, and sometimes I think my parents believe me now that I'm autistic, and at other times I think they're still in denial.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

It is great to hear the parent's perspective on this. I started speaking pretty late, which my mom always associated with my brother just telling her what I wanted so I didn't have to speak, but I don't think that was truly the case. My brother and I had pretty different traits, although I think more of them were similar than they thought, but they were so busy on making sure my brother who was diagnosed got the care and help he needed that they lost focus on me, and just assumed that I was shy. I'm 29 now, and still trying to get an official diagnosis, and sometimes I think my parents believe me now that I'm autistic, and at other times I think they're still in denial.

Thanks. Diagnostics brought us great relief, as we knew something had to explain those delays and difficulties, and as the doctors were really starting to stress us out from their attitudes, lack of answers, and from their lack of quality care and odd looks towards us parents whenever we told them of our children's issues after bringing them in to be examined. As a female, it could be even more difficult to be taken seriously by the medical community, but a psychologist specializing in Autism or neuropsychological testing should be competent enough to diagnose accurately. Good luck at getting some answers and resolution!