I'm failing academically and that feels like I'm failing in life.

[andreaispunk]

As a kid I was always told I was special, jus so intelligent. I made the honor roll every year. I was able to read at 3yo and my mom made do the mathematical excersices that 15yo were doing while I was just 7-8. And I enjoyed it, cause it was easy for me. But at 11, for the 4th time, my mom decided she have had enough of me so kicked my out for not washing the dishes or something. I starded living with my dad and for the 1rst time, whe my mom felt bad and came back for me I didn't accepted her. I could go on and on about the abuse my mom made me go through my whole life, but it would be too long.
But since that period of time I started to get behind at my classmates. They used to bully me, so I was more focused on trying to be accepted. As years went by I just felt more and more like I wasn't able to do the minimum to survive at school. Nor the academical part, the bureaucracy or the sociall aspects of it. Finally, as my first semester at highscool (in Mexico, so the equivalent is 'Preparatoria' and we start at 15-16yo) was coming to its end I had no idea what was the procedure to enroll myself to the next semester, I had failed 1 class so I needed to take a makeup test. On top of that I lost the money my dad gave me for the enrollment. I just panicked and did nothing. I was too scared and overwhelmed. A teacher called my dad asking what happened and why I wasn't in the school sistem anymore. My dad was mad at me and blamed it on my boyfriend at the time (wich, to be fair, he was a terrible person and should be in jail now, but what happend at the time was not because of him). I felt numbed, inable to do anything or ask for help to anyone. I was just evading the world.
Later I got a job at a restaurant and used the money to spend most of my time out of my house. I hated to be near my dad cause we would fight all the time. And I avoided my friends and other people my age out of embarrasment. It was just me and the boyfirend, wich was not the safest person to be around. Finally, he broke up with me and I decided to go back to school. I begged my dad to pay for the school and with the help of his girlfriend, he accepted.
I got into a new school. It was terrible. All the teachers sucked so I decided to change in the midle of the pandemic.
Now i'm in a good school. But I feel like my brain is broken. I finish highschool (AT LAST!) in two moths, at 21yo. And I´m gonna aplly for college and I should have started to study moths ago but I can't make my brains to understand and collet all the knoledge I should. I mean, I've tried to study. It's not like I've been doing everything but it, its just nothing stiks to my mind.

I now college is not the only path someone can take. But I actually like to learn things. I want to study anthropology and I love everything about it. There are so many things I want to know, to understand. And with subjects like history I still do pretty good. Imagine myself finally living in other city, just reading about the things im intrested, it's whats keeping me going. But math, physics, even chemestry, its just so hard. And it didn't used to be like that.

I think im loosing my mind and I don't know what am I going to do if I fail the test.

 

[Rodafina]

From what you’ve written here, it sounds like anxiety could be playing a major role for you right now when it comes to your academics.

First of all, going all the way back to your early childhood, being associated as “the smart kid” or a gifted and talented young intelligent one can be somewhat detrimental in the long run. Telling children that they are so smart and so intelligent can integrate that identity into their thinking. In reality, we all have different strengths and weaknesses in our learning.

Especially for autistic children, they will understand some things very well , but then have deficits in other areas. When the notion of being smart doesn’t align with reality where we also have challenges, the sense of identity can be damaged.

My point is that it’s okay to not be smart at everything. And early on in your education you met with some major social emotional challenges which can directly affect how much information one is able to take in, especially as a child.

You’ve dealt with some difficult situations as you grew and they all formed you into the new person that you are now. Perhaps if you want to study now, you can actually start to focus on those areas that are of interest to you and where you already have strength in learning.

Additionally, you are getting to know what your specific challenges are, and you could reach out to your school or university system for possible assistance and accommodations. Several people here on the site attend college or university but get some help due to their processing challenges.

But, I think one of the best things you can do is simultaneously tackle your anxiety and the inner voice this telling you that you are not good enough, not smart, or not remembering things. We can learn systems to take in information better and when we can manage anxiety, our brains will be more open to taking in new information.

 

[kenaij]

I agree with Roda. While reading your post I pretty much had the same idea. I think it would be very smart to find out if the block you are having comes from anxiety. I don`t know the situation in your country. But there should be people that can help you. Either privately of via your school.
I do think if you get help for that and work through it your ability to learn will return to you.
Best of luck.