I'm hopeless and extremely burnt out.

[apassingword]

I haven't really done much the past year...Nothing feel like its worth it, I have no idea what I"m doing with my life. I'm tired of feeling so afraid, I'm tired of feeling like there's utterly no hope for me. I'm tired of this anger, this discomfort so bad it makes me want to bash my through head a glass window. I'm tired of playing in this rat race(which I'm losing.) I'm tired of knowing that since I'm a burnt out immature piece of **** I'm never going to be happy or be seen as useful to anyone.


I just can't take this game anymore, I wish thinks just came easily to me and I could at least be happy..I wish I were more useful, I wish I'd quit forgetting my dreams and falling asleep. its like I make attempts to do things and become useful but no one tries to help me and I don't even know what I'm doing. god I can't even enjoy getting drunk with my friends anymore because I have a mental break downs from paranoia.


I dropped out of college because I felt like everyone was laughing at me...its like out of this messed up anime...god. it was horrible I was so paranoid and on edge every day. I couldn't be comfortable at all. it was driving me insane...and even if I would have finished school I would have been in debt with no job skills and still just a useless burnt out loser.... god I'm so screwed up. My life is so much like sato's from welcome to the nhk its not even funny.


and, about a year ago I completely shut myself off from everyone, no going out, no nothing It felt good at first IT FELT AMAZING. Giving up felt great like completely giving up on the idea that you will ever be happy, I felt like nothing would matter and I'd always be at peace...and content. but, I want more than that, I want to actually feel alive. And, I'm so scarred that won't ever happen for me than I'm going to spend the rest of my life occupying space waiting to decompose. I know I can be better but I don't know what I'm doing I don't even have the slightest clue on how to change...I feel trapped and stuck in this hole I've dug. like no matter what I do I can't get out of it. I just can't take it I can't take feeling so useless, scared, and hopeless all the time.

 

[King_Oni]

I can identify with your situation quite a lot. Though I never really felt really bad for myself. But the drop-out part, no interests all of that. The one time I didn't go out at all I felt really well and that's what made me wonder if there's something "wrong" with me and the entire story of diagnosis came in.

In the time you didn't go places and just kept inside, did you do anything... worthwhile? Like hobbies? Work on personal skills? I don't think life should be all about working, nor should acquiring skills should be all about school.

But obviously, something I've learned on this forum is that where I'm from the entire construct of employment and education is different from how it works in the United States.

 

[apassingword]

I haven't really done anything but read comics, and waste time, hahahahaha.

I tried doing some 3D modeling but that was just too frustrating and I never went anywhere with it..

 

[King_Oni]

Why did you pick up 3d modelling? Is that anything you wanted to do before?

In terms of education; is there anything you like? It might help to find something to do in your spare time and maybe have some hands-on experience for college/uni

 

[smith2267]

When you get older, being useful to others seems less important, and happiness seems more important. There is no prize for being the most useful or productive corpse in the cemetary. Do what makes you happy, whatever that is. Of course, you'll need to earn a living--but that's so you can live, not the purpose of life.

 

[apassingword]

a friend was working on a game, and he was kind of mentoring me and teaching me the basics and I was learning the rest on my own.

It was fun and exciting but hard, and I don't really have many hobbies I used to do art but I was terrible at it so I just gave up. I was actually going to art but I looked at what I was working on and how bad it was then the rest of the students and from my perspective it was obviously not worth my time. even if I was as good as them, I still wouldn't be getting a job when I was done.

I really love blogging, that's all I've been doing lately really making funny pictures, and posts online pretty much, hahahaha. But that's not a useful skill at all. XD

 

[King_Oni]

a friend was working on a game, and he was kind of mentoring me and teaching me the basics and I was learning the rest on my own.

It was fun and exciting but hard, and I don't really have many hobbies I used to do art but I was terrible at it so I just gave up. I was actually going to art but I looked at what I was working on and how bad it was then the rest of the students and from my perspective it was obviously not worth my time. even if I was as good as them, I still wouldn't be getting a job when I was done.

I really love blogging, that's all I've been doing lately really making funny pictures, and posts online pretty much, hahahaha. But that's not a useful skill at all. XD

Unless you're something like Perez Hilton blogging might be a way to make money, lol

I don't know how bad your art is. I don't think art in general is bad. And I don't think you should let "bad results" get you down. It's a learning experience. Look at your work see what needs improving and do it again with new insights. If I were to let other peoples work control how I feel about my art, I wouldn't do a thing. If every aspiring filmmaker would be put off because CG movies hollywood produces, no one would ever get to it.

 

[apassingword]

Unless you're something like Perez Hilton blogging might be a way to make money, lol

I don't know how bad your art is. I don't think art in general is bad. And I don't think you should let "bad results" get you down. It's a learning experience. Look at your work see what needs improving and do it again with new insights. If I were to let other peoples work control how I feel about my art, I wouldn't do a thing. If every aspiring filmmaker would be put off because CG movies hollywood produces, no one would ever get to it.

I'll get my blonde wig and make up. >w> Just kidding.

its not very good and I've lost interest and most skill I had at it already, hahahaha.

 

[King_Oni]

I'll get my blonde wig and make up. >w> Just kidding.

its not very good and I've lost interest and most skill I had at it already, hahahaha.

So... where do your interests lie? And further down the line, is there anything that interests you in terms of employment or education? Since I take it that's a big issue right now

 

[gailt915]

OK, so maybe this is just an old woman Aspie talking, but have you ever considered volunteering in your town? Doesn't have to be long term or anything......just something to do to get out of the house and out of your "head space". My resume looks like swiss cheese, can't keep a job due to my huge sensory issues, was just sitting around doing nothing, but hating my self for it...... got to a point where I just had to DO SOMETHING!! So I did a small volunteer thing and it really helped me feel better about myself. I know, sounds lame, but maybe it would be worth it to check it out.........
Anyhoo, old woman done talking now

 

[imagesbyholly]

I don't know if it will help, but I want to tell you what my husband did. He got out of the Army thinking he could get a good job. Didn't happen. For a year we went through our whole savings to feed us while he was working at the water department (worst, lowest paying skilled labor job ever), and one day he was sitting there making house plans in his graphic notebook for the millionth time (he loves it), and this light flashed in his eyes. He went to the computer, looked some things up, and in a couple months was enrolled at ITT Tech. Three years later, he has a drafting and design associates degree, a year of experience, and will be starting a really good job with good pay (finally!) and benefits on Monday.

It's just weird little things like that. What are you good at that could turn into a real job? Adam couldn't figure out the Cad software very well on his own, but going to school and working in an entry level position and being trained, he knows it inside and out and he's really good at it now. I am a portrait artist, you can see my website. I loved art in high school too but I didn't think I was as good as the other serious student artists. My problem was confidence. I didn't push hard enough with my pencil to make the shading pop, that was all. After my fourth child, suddenly I got the drawing bug again after like eight years of not really doing it. Here I am making portraits for money on a very part time basis. It provides sneakers and non allergenic facial cleanser and stuff like that once in a while, but I'm doing it.

Be realistic- what do you have an interest in that you could actually be trained in (not by a friend, but by going to school and getting job experience). I bet a technical school would be great for you considering your interests. You can go for game design even! Don't underestimate yourself either. My husband failed so much in high school I don't know how he graduated. He often said he'd never be anything, but I didn't let him stay sunk there. I know that your severe depression is a major hurdle- I have been there myself for years on end. Just remember that it doesn't mean you will always be there. Wishing you the best, my friend!

 

[wyverary]

I don't have much to add to what holly, gailt, smith and king have said; but I can say for the longest time I was in the same situation as you, having nothing to do, some short stints in school then dropping out...I floundered for a long time. By an incredible stroke of luck, I landed a part-time job--not a job I like, not one I would like to do for much longer--but it got me in a slight rhythm, gave me a little to get up in the morning for; and it seems it gave me a little boost, and now I'm enrolling in school again--in a field COMPLETELY different than anything I tried before. I think gailt is on the right track in finding a place to volunteer. Having a place to go on a regular basis, whether it's daily or once a week, could maybe get you out of your little rut just enough to refresh your perspective, and then maybe later the decisions can come as to what to do career-wise or life-wise or what-have-you.

 

[Bay]

a friend was working on a game, and he was kind of mentoring me and teaching me the basics and I was learning the rest on my own.

It was fun and exciting but hard, and I don't really have many hobbies I used to do art but I was terrible at it so I just gave up. I was actually going to art but I looked at what I was working on and how bad it was then the rest of the students and from my perspective it was obviously not worth my time. even if I was as good as them, I still wouldn't be getting a job when I was done.

I really love blogging, that's all I've been doing lately really making funny pictures, and posts online pretty much, hahahaha. But that's not a useful skill at all. XD

Apassingword, I understand how you feel, having been there myself. I have always loved to write, but I truly sucked at it. That is, I sucked at creative writing, which was all I had been taught in school. Flash-forward many years, and I now spend most of my working day writing. I write assessments and reports, manuals, and have even had a couple of articles published. I may not be creative in the usual sense, but I love words and love to make something as mundane as writing policy into an art. I must be good at it, as I am being paid to do it. I guess what I am saying is, try to think about ways to use your interests and talents that you may have not considered. You are clearly intelligent.

I would also second what gailt915 said about volunteering. For one thing, it can sometimes lead to a job (it has happened to me twice). Also, it is a great way to learn skills or develop talents. I'm not an altruistic hero by any means, but have been able to use volunteer work to further my career. I have done research at the Library of Congress and the National Archives, helped develop and install a museum exhibition, and written and edited articles for an historical publication, all as a volunteer. Helping others can help you. Okay, I'll get down from my soapbox now!

 

[Perkinsj88]

I can relate to you very closely. I currently live in so.cal, I am 25 (1/2 to 50). I have a wife, 5 year old daughter who is like me (AS) and a 3 month old son. I have sat at home for over a year now. My unemployment will run out soon. In my free time I have made a forge from a bbq grill with some pipe and my wifes hairdryer (she was not happy XD) and bladesmithed many knives, few turned out as I wanted so I just kinda tossed it all aside. I then tried an ebay start up...went well while I had my tools from work (mechanic) to sell. This went to ****. Now I just play video games, I do have an intrest in programming but I have tried and failed at this before. If all other options are exhausted I myself am prepared to let it go and apply for SSDI, it would actually pay more than my unemployment does. I do not want to give in so easily just yet, I feel this is likely where I'm headed. Anyway...you don't need to be usefull to be important...I fail at many things right now...I can't even care for my kids the way I wabt to but I am still just as important as I was when I was the adderall induced over-achiever. Don't let your usefullness define who you are. We are not ojbects...we are people.

 

[Aalo]

At times of my desperate inactivity I've been thinking a lot about that how unfortunate it feels to give up one's big dreams and to settle for something less. But it's not necessarily a bad thing as it everything really is so much about perspective, which of course changes as life proceeds and yet if it sometimes feels one gets less experiences than others, the truth is everyone lives up to their own expectations and own limits. While I was younger I was really anxious about thought of ending up to settling for less because it seemed like giving up while having not enough competence to reach certain thing s one before held in such high value. What actually happened was that during life there have been so much new information and everything that have lead those desires kind of lost their meaning amidst all other interesting things. I'm not saying life would be senseless, but all little things really don't seem to matter that much that once felt.

It can feel so ironic trying to balance between not letting interesting things undone and not trying too much at times.
None else can do things for anyone else, and we self should not try to impress others but do things that can be helpful or bring us some joy. And if at times nothing seems to bring any joy, I'd not be too confused about that. Feelings tend to fluctuate and it might be familiar to all of us not to feel motivated all of the time. It's good to keep in mind that nothing bad really happens if you let yourself be lazt and unproductive for a while.
All I can say is, don't be too harsh on yourself. And when you feel like doing something, go for it without a doubt. But you don't need to push it until it really feels like a good option.

 

[Lady.Captatrix]

That has been more or less my situation for the most part lately. Also, since the death of my sister last November, I have been feeling myself become something of an emotional - and even physical - wreck. I have no idea how to make it better, or how to even just get my brain back in gear. Frustrating doesn't even begin to describe it. It's like I'm utilizing every last ounce of emotional strength and endurance I have just to keep myself from completely going off of the deep end. I can't bring myself to get done what I need to get done. Not to mention I am constantly seesawing between intense mania and rock-bottom depression due to my otherwise mild (up until recently) issues with bi-polar disorder. I am just at my wit's end about what to do.

 

[noideayoupick]

that describes me... i cant figure anything out my manic depression has me scared to be alone but idk how not to be.... i have never in my life experienced happy ... still font know what alot of emotions really are and im 26 ... i feel like nothing... my Only Drive in life is i cant let people down and i always have 1 or 2 people i have any obligation towards and care to much to let them down to leave ... and i get past the intense depression and suicidal desires by aiming to do my best to disregard myself entirely and make sure no one feels like i do... i want other people atleast to want to be alive cause i dont know what thats like.... im so tired and alone and i cant do this much longer... im trying to be strong ... not diagnosed but took two tests that show it is highly probable i am an aspie also having alexithymia as well as a medical diagnosis of manic depression

 

[I am that which I am]

Hello noideayoupick,

It sounds more like you have chronic depression rather than manic depression to me, but I am not a professional and I have to assume the one that diagnosed you knew what they were doing. I know what you mean feeling completely alone and being afraid to stay alone. In those regards a forum is a good way to start. You can introduce yourself here: Introduce Yourself | AspiesCentral.com and feel free to browse the forum and join in other conversations. You are not alone, a lot of us feel this way. You could also try those social groups that meet to do a particular activity (meet up). or random help groups for people with manic depression or AS in your area. Personally I attend a random group where I live and live with others (ie roommates). As much as I dislike living with others because of privacy issues it does make sure that I am not completely alone. It is very difficult to go on with life when you disregard yourself and your own needs, so as my therapist has told me it would be a good idea to also do things for yourself and not only do them for others. Try to find hobbies that make you happy and try not to sacrifice your own happiness or security for others. You are allowed to think of yourself as well. I would recommend getting professional help, but it does take a bit of perseverance to find the right therapist or psychiatrist for you. I also have some issues with regards to knowing how I feel. I have taken out a few books about mindfulness from the library and purchased other workbooks in relations to dialectical behavioural therapy that I find useful. One in particular is Depressed and Anxious: The dialetcial behavioural therapy workbook for overcoming depression and anxiety by Thomas Marra. Part of mindfulness is training yourself to be more aware and attentive to stimuli and your senses. Once you master the physical senses then you can move into being more aware of yourself and your own emotions.

 

[Nick12]

I WISH YOU A VERY HAPPY DAY IF YOU LIKE SESSAME STREET GO TO YOUTUBE AND TYPE IN SESAME STREET WE ALL SING IN THE SAME VOICE