I'm in love with a girl with Aspergers

[Hopelessromantic87]

Hi everyone! I'm new to this forum and to this word of learning about Autism. I have dated a girl(24) for almost a year now. We meet New Year's eve started taking and then dating three weeks later. The first couple of months were great and then we started to fight and she finally let me know she was on the spectrum. So I did what anyone in love would do and took to google to try to understand how to communicate with her. I learned that her not looking me in the eye was not her being dishonest but it was part of her Aspergers and we did okay until one day we had a huge fight. She screamed and yelled and cursed at me, she ran to a room and closed the door and broke down on the other side. I stayed and sat on the other side reassuring her and trying to talk to her. She told me she was done with me she emotionally shut down and so I when on my way until we finally contacted each other and talked it out. I let her know I didn't like to be yelled and cursed at and she agreed she didn't want to treat me that way anymore. Guys I had no idea of the struggle of meltdowns I thought she was just being immature every time this would happen I still would sit down with her and try my best to comfort her.

We got back together the second time and it was a mess I was still up set about how she was treating me and had second thoughts if she was really committed to me and this relationship or not. I could not understand why someone would not introduce me to her family and friends if she took this relationship seriously. We fought a lot and again we broke up. We broke up for a week.

After getting back together we found out she was pregnant. I wanted to go to the doctor with her but she was having none of that and pushed me away. It was not how she wanted me to be there for her. She told me we would have to terminate the pregnancy because it was going to be her life or the baby. I decided to trust her and to be there how she wanted me to be. She wanted nothing to do with me and pushed me away. She finally let me back in after she terminated and she still blamed me and believed I could not be there for her. So I gave her what money I could working as a barista and still going to school and I started to sell my plasma to make a little more money.

Finally from September to December we have been stable I learned how to be there for her meltdowns. I'm caring and loving and I don't hold anything she says or does against her when she is going through one. I keep my emotions in check and remove myself from the room if she becomes to much and then we talk things out after.

She talked to me about meeting her parents during the holidays we decided Thanksgiving was not a good time so maybe after. She never brought it up again and I was hoping Christmas. Her father was coming to pick her up at her apartment that we have been sharing and told me I had to leave before he got there. I was rushed out the door. I wasn't to pleased and felt terrible we didn't talk very much after since she was going to stay with her parents for a while. She finally came to talk to me on the 23 of December and told me that she had been thinking about things a lot and she doesn't believe that on paper her parents will approve of me and I don't know when I'm graduating and I have no direction. She doesn't want to get in a fight with her parents over me. It's going to be a while until I'm successful and she wants to be with someone on her level now.

When I asked her what she wanted to do she said I diverse to be in a relationship that I want to have and she doesn't know what she wants.

I have two DWI and I have been going to court for them over this last year. I'm a barista and a student working toward his degree. I'm 30 and I understand I have gotten a late start in life. I've really tried this year at school, turning my life into something I and the people around me can be proud of and I have tried so hard in this relationship and I'm doing all I can to learn how to love and communicate with her. I know she thinks in black and white at first I would joke about my mistakes but after I learned how she thinks I try my best to come across as sorry and someone that wants to do the right things.

She went though a manipulative and abusive relationship in college her parents made this guy a part of the family and when she told them things where wrong they didn't believe her. Now they feel guilty and are very protective of her. She went to therapy after and was diagnosed with aspergers. she stopped going to therapy because she felt the therapist was blaming her for what happened. I'm the only guy she has ever told only her parents and I know.

I really love this girl. The many problems we have had I believe have been communication issues but now I'm scared my mistakes of my past have taken from me something that could have been special. I have no idea how to fix this one.

Thank you guys,
Hopelessromantic

 

[LucyPurrs]

Welcome to Aspies Central. This is a friendly, supportive and helpful website. You can get a lot of good information here. I'm an NT so will leave it to others to give you feedback on your issue.

 

[Crossbreed]

Welcome.

Since we have not met your girlfriend (and don't know the specifics of her diagnosis, including co-morbid conditions), no one here can give you specific advice. But you may recognize some of her traits in the threads here that may, in turn, give you the insight that you seek.

Two other resources (if you are in the USA):

• The Autism Society of America
• The US Autism & Asperger Association

If you have the means, the former might also be able to recommend an autism-competent couples' counselor in your area.

 

[OkRad]

Not everything we do is because of ASD. You can have ASD and still be Borderline or depressed or whatever. I dated Aspies whose meltdowns were not abusive. But I know others who have been. I could not do it.

Just be prepared that things may never be different. At 24, she is young and the other things are not to important. But at 45? Throwing dishes is not so dramatic. It's disgusting. I say that as one who has many traits that were tolerable at 24 but completely and almost non-human later on....

ASD is quite persistent so just be prepared. But it seems she may have other issues that you may be on the receiving end of.

 

[Suzanne]

I go with what OkRad says on this, because as I am reading, she comes across as a spoilt brat ie making unfair demands and using your kindness against you!

In many ways, my husband is great for me, because he WON'T tolerate certain behaviour patterns for me, which does make me work hard to not make excuses ie I have aspergers etc and in fact, he is the one who says: I think it is aspergers talking here.

You made some ground rules by saying you will not tolerate her abusive speech to you and she has agreed, but actually, by saying you are not good enough for her IS abusive speech and it makes her the one who is not very intelligent.

It is great that you leave her alone, when she is having a meltdown or talk gently to her, because if she is being authentic, she will appreciate that.

She can also learn to have eye contact. The great thing with aspergers, is that it is not static and we can learn to adapt to situations. I went from not being able to have eye contact, to now, being ok; as long as the conversation is not too long ( on the other side).

You must be frank with her and tell her that questioning your intelligence IS very rude and offensive, since you are doing your utmost to better yourself and she will know this.

Yes, we do think in black and white and yes, it is very hard to expand, but when things are explained, it can be appreciated.

Don't let your love for her, override being treated as a nothing!

 

[Ambi]

My deepest apology for what I am about to say if it seems blunt, but I say it because it's very, very important to keep this MAJOR fact in mind while wading through layers and depths of relationship issues and confusions and emotions: is the relationship working? To me it sounds like it's not. There's nothing more special that you need to do on your end. And it's not up to you to change her. Your interpersonal dynamic is not working, despite how hard you are trying. I don't think you coming to this forum will change anything. Perhaps if she were to change and grow something about the relationship might be able to change, maybe you both could change together - that would involve HER coming here to learn and possibly change (if she wants/needs to), or HER trying to learn more about ASD to see if she wants/needs to change. Many relationships don't work out. This may not be due to her Asperger's - it could be that your interpersonal dynamic, simply your personality vs hers, isn't an environment in which a long-term relationship would be successful with her. It may trigger her, she just may not be interested enough, there may be more negatives than positives, I can't speak for her. But those are my firm thoughts.