I'm looking for help

[ESteep]

Hello, my name's Ellie and I'm 34. I'm not diagnosed or anything, I'm not sure if I belong here. I thought for a long time I didn't because I've been to a cognitive behavioral therapist for my social anxiety and depression and, while she helped me a lot in my day-to-day struggles, in two years she never mentioned autism or Asperger's, so I thought, she surely knew better than me. But I live in a little provincial town in Italy and there's not many resources out here.

So, I've really struggled since I was a teen, I never quite fit, I was bullied a lot. I've never been in a relationship, and I've currently no real friends except an online one. My siblings don't talk to me because I'm too weird and self-centered, I think. I've only ever had two temp jobs, I was recently let go from my last one (just after 6 months) because I wasn't a good enough salesperson. I used to live alone, but I had to go back to live with my parents because I was so lonely and miserable, so they're my main (well, only) relationships. They love me, but also quite resent me for being the way I am, I think.

In February I bought a digital camera and I've been obsessed ever since, I've been out taking street pictures every day and studying photography all night, it's all I can think about. I legitimately thought my parents would be happy for me, because this is bringing me so much joy and fulfillment. I didn't even realize they were unhappy until a few days ago when we had a huge fight, because I can't "enjoy things normally" and the camera backpack I bought is too big and weird and people are gossiping and teasing me, and they're just worried about me and my future. I'm also deeply worried about my future, but people have been mocking and bullying me all my life, it actually speaks a lot about how much I love photography that I'm willing to endure weird looks and catcalls all day like this.

Sorry if this is too rambly, I don't know where else to go. I've read a lot about the autism spectrum and I feel like I could fit, I think some sort of confirmation would make me feel better about myself, and also make my family love and accept me more for who I am, and maybe find a job more suited for me. What do you think?

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My younger brother is into ptotography as a hobby he still goes old style black and white dark room. may be you could get into art college.my attitude has always been fail to plan plan to fall.

 

[Mia]

Welcome to the forum Esteep, cannot confirm anything for you but the more you read the more you'll eventually know. And maybe at some point you'll pursue diagnosis or not. You're welcome here.

 

[VictorR]

Welcome!

 

[Aspychata]

Welcome. It's hard to feel accepted. I relate to your post a lot. Hope you feel accepted and respected here. l learned a lot by reading other people's comments. Maybe take some time and check out prior posts.

 

[1ForAll]

Welcome to the forum! I am wondering if you also considered or researched Autism Spectrum Disorder/Autism/Aspergers self-assessment tests online, as you should not rely just on your current therapist to determine if you have Aspergers or not, if they are not an Autism or Neurodevelopmental Specialist, as medical opinions can vary.

You can find such questionnaire tests online to get some indication and/or you could get a referral to a Neurodevelopmental Psychologist or a Specialist of Autism type conditions farther away in your country, if none exist locally, if your therapist is open minded there, or contact one on your own if that new supplemental specialist doctor you contact allows an evaluation for new clients/patients without referral, if you find one through research.

But, I am sure you also may not want to adversely affect the therapist/patient relationship as well, by suggesting to the therapist they may have missed a diagnosis, unless you are much more sure it is possibility, as the therapist might frown on a patient coming up with a new diagnosis, even if later determined you are correct.

The cost or availability though of such testing would seem like the biggest obstacle, if insurance does not cover such a formal evaluation.

I just think your behavioral therapist would more apt to at least remotely consider Aspergers or do a referral if you had detailed more traits and issues than mentioned, or had some self-assessment that makes you suspect a good chance that diagnosis. Otherwise, it is very unlikely they'd ever suspect such condition or want to do a referral or screening for such based on what you said so far, and as they have yet to mention Aspergers so yet.

In other words, what you said is a great start, but it seems not nearly enough information for some Neurodevelopmental or Aspergers/Autism specialist doctor, much less a therapist who may or may not be trained much in Aspergers or Autism type issues.

Any specialist doctor who is comprehensive should base their evaluation on a combination of several hours of observations, specific testing, including questionnaires for you to rule things in or out. Supplemental information can be given by you and your family as well to that Specialist, for them to make the most informed decision.

So, besides the mentioned, feel free to share more why you think you could have Aspergers, based on what you learned from your research, and read posts here to see if you relate. Many here are self-diagnosed, diagnosed, or feel they relate to Aspergers or Autism in some way. So, of course you are welcome here.

 

[Crossbreed]

Hello & welcome, @ESteep.
Feel free to hang out here, but for local services (including locating an autism-competent therapist) look for an autism advocacy organization in your country.

 

[Greatshield17]

Hello, my name's Ellie and I'm 34. I'm not diagnosed or anything, I'm not sure if I belong here. I thought for a long time I didn't because I've been to a cognitive behavioral therapist for my social anxiety and depression and, while she helped me a lot in my day-to-day struggles, in two years she never mentioned autism or Asperger's, so I thought, she surely knew better than me. But I live in a little provincial town in Italy and there's not many resources out here.

So, I've really struggled since I was a teen, I never quite fit, I was bullied a lot. I've never been in a relationship, and I've currently no real friends except an online one. My siblings don't talk to me because I'm too weird and self-centered, I think. I've only ever had two temp jobs, I was recently let go from my last one (just after 6 months) because I wasn't a good enough salesperson. I used to live alone, but I had to go back to live with my parents because I was so lonely and miserable, so they're my main (well, only) relationships. They love me, but also quite resent me for being the way I am, I think.

In February I bought a digital camera and I've been obsessed ever since, I've been out taking street pictures every day and studying photography all night, it's all I can think about. I legitimately thought my parents would be happy for me, because this is bringing me so much joy and fulfillment. I didn't even realize they were unhappy until a few days ago when we had a huge fight, because I can't "enjoy things normally" and the camera backpack I bought is too big and weird and people are gossiping and teasing me, and they're just worried about me and my future. I'm also deeply worried about my future, but people have been mocking and bullying me all my life, it actually speaks a lot about how much I love photography that I'm willing to endure weird looks and catcalls all day like this.

Sorry if this is too rambly, I don't know where else to go. I've read a lot about the autism spectrum and I feel like I could fit, I think some sort of confirmation would make me feel better about myself, and also make my family love and accept me more for who I am, and maybe find a job more suited for me. What do you think?

Well Autistic or not, it’s nice to have you on here. I have a bit of an interest in photography myself, and in fact have been wondering if there is some way I could make money off of them, as I myself am currently struggling with financial and employment issues.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Well whatever you think you are you could be that or it could just be ok anyways if you are, just a lil' bit....
like ....
off?
So what kind of pictures are we talking about anyways??? Is there something you could share?? It would be well recieved. This one is from last winter...

 

[Tom]

Yes, you are welcome. Many of us are only self diagnosed and some here like yourself, not sure. Btw are you English or American? Your english is excellent.

 

[OkRad]

Welcome! And we would love to see your pics! Special Interests are very welcome here

 

[unperson]

Hi, welcome.

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome. Certainly in the UK many ordinary therapists wouldn't know much about autism, they tend to know about the modality they have trained in, CBT or so called Person Centred or Psychodynamic etc etc there are many. Most therapists are not qualified to diagnose, here. So not sure how that works where you are, but here you would not be told anything by a CBT therapist or similar, about possible autism, normally.

You do mention some life experience and issues of a long term nature that could be explained by autism, especially as it can show up in women, take a look at the Jessica Kingsley publishers catalogue for texts by women with Autism and clinicians about this. Females with autism have tended to not be noticed, I think partly because womens socialisation is to internalise rather than externalise, and tends to place more emphasis on being accommodating and helpful to others, listening and not expecting to talk or be listened to, so much. Historically this has masked autism in women and girls.

I hope you enjoy it here and find it useful and supportive.

 

[Streetwise]

Hello, my name's Ellie and I'm 34. I'm not diagnosed or anything, I'm not sure if I belong here. I thought for a long time I didn't because I've been to a cognitive behavioral therapist for my social anxiety and depression and, while she helped me a lot in my day-to-day struggles, in two years she never mentioned autism or Asperger's, so I thought, she surely knew better than me. But I live in a little provincial town in Italy and there's not many resources out here.

So, I've really struggled since I was a teen, I never quite fit, I was bullied a lot. I've never been in a relationship, and I've currently no real friends except an online one. My siblings don't talk to me because I'm too weird and self-centered, I think. I've only ever had two temp jobs, I was recently let go from my last one (just after 6 months) because I wasn't a good enough salesperson. I used to live alone, but I had to go back to live with my parents because I was so lonely and miserable, so they're my main (well, only) relationships. They love me, but also quite resent me for being the way I am, I think.

In February I bought a digital camera and I've been obsessed ever since, I've been out taking street pictures every day and studying photography all night, it's all I can think about. I legitimately thought my parents would be happy for me, because this is bringing me so much joy and fulfillment. I didn't even realize they were unhappy until a few days ago when we had a huge fight, because I can't "enjoy things normally" and the camera backpack I bought is too big and weird and people are gossiping and teasing me, and they're just worried about me and my future. I'm also deeply worried about my future, but people have been mocking and bullying me all my life, it actually speaks a lot about how much I love photography that I'm willing to endure weird looks and catcalls all day like this.

Sorry if this is too rambly, I don't know where else to go. I've read a lot about the autism spectrum and I feel like I could fit, I think some sort of confirmation would make me feel better about myself, and also make my family love and accept me more for who I am, and maybe find a job more suited for me. What do you think?

sorry I can't do very accurate links my tablet wouldn't do it, there's an article in la republicca ( www.republicca.it ) dated 2nd April 2021 about adult autism diagnosis and there is www.aspergerway.com (for italy) there are diagnosticians in all of the parts of Italy ,they are neuropsychiatrists ,but I can't tell you exactly as you don't say where you are near to!

 

[Misery]

and the camera backpack I bought is too big and weird and people are gossiping and teasing me

Wait, wait, wait... I'm sorry, what? People are talking about you and insulting you because of... a backpack? A type of backpack used by professionals? And yes, I looked it up just now to see what they look like.

What kind of blazing, braindead idiots do you have near you, that would insult someone over a backpack? I've heard of stupid bullying, but that one is a special level of dumb even by my standards.

Well, I can say one thing: The insults that their 3 collective braincells are coming up with arent even worth the effort it would take for your mind to process them. I hope you dont ever let it get to you.

I mean, just... wow. "Backpack is weird".

because I can't "enjoy things normally"

This is something that a lot of us go through unfortunately. I find that what it actually translates to is "you cant just have the normal, average desires that I have, like drinking with friends or sitting like a blob and staring at a sports broadcast". At least that's been my experience with those that say things like that.

That being said, if you are on the spectrum, then the level of obsession you're feeling with the photography hobby IS normal. Pretty much all of us have at least one hyper-obsession. It sorta goes with the territory.

Kudos to you though for pursuing the thing you're interested in even despite a bunch of complete dolts flinging toddler-esque insults at you. I still cant get over that part.

and maybe find a job more suited for me.

Dont get your hopes up TOO much on this bit. A lot of managers are... well... managers in general have a bad reputation for being unwilling to bend or make allowances, even when the rules they enforce are utterly backwards. And it is an absolutely deserved reputation. Many of them have that "I'm the higher-up so that means I'm the king here" attitude. When you encounter that sort, no amount of explanation will help, and may make them more hostile instead.

So, the challenge is, finding a place where the people in charge are willing to work WITH you instead of AGAINST you. It's not easy to find a place like that... but they absolutely do exist. Not that I have any advice that'd help to find one... I'd give some if I did.


Also dont worry about being "weird". Something I always say: "Weird" is at least INTERESTING. "Normal" is outright boring. I know I sure dont fit into "normal" and boy am I thankful for that...

As for making friends... well, hey, you can start in this place.

 

[Wolfsage]

Hi.

 

[ESteep]

Thank you for all your kind message, it's a bit emotional to read through them. I'll try to reply to everyone!

 

[ESteep]

My younger brother is into ptotography as a hobby he still goes old style black and white dark room. may be you could get into art college.my attitude has always been fail to plan plan to fall.

I love black and white photography too! But I wish I had money for college...!

Welcome. It's hard to feel accepted. I relate to your post a lot. Hope you feel accepted and respected here. l learned a lot by reading other people's comments. Maybe take some time and check out prior posts.

Thank you very much, and I'm glad there's someone who can relate. I'll definitely look around!

Welcome to the forum! I am wondering if you also considered or researched Autism Spectrum Disorder/Autism/Aspergers self-assessment tests online, as you should not rely just on your current therapist to determine if you have Aspergers or not, if they are not an Autism or Neurodevelopmental Specialist, as medical opinions can vary.

I've took different tests these past days and they all more or less put me on the spectrum, but how reliable are these tests anyway? And I'm always afraid I'm picking the options that would give me the results I want, but I tried to be honest.

I've got a good relationship with my therapist, I haven't seen her in a while but I'm sure if I went back and asked for her opinion, she'd listen. Thank you for your advice!

Hello & welcome, @ESteep.
Feel free to hang out here, but for local services (including locating an autism-competent therapist) look for an autism advocacy organization in your country.

I have and I'm currently looking. I'm here because I was looking for some sense of community and belonging.

Well Autistic or not, it’s nice to have you on here. I have a bit of an interest in photography myself, and in fact have been wondering if there is some way I could make money off of them, as I myself am currently struggling with financial and employment issues.

Ahh, that would be the dream, wouldn't it! I'd love to see your pictures

Well whatever you think you are you could be that or it could just be ok anyways if you are, just a lil' bit....
like ....
off?
So what kind of pictures are we talking about anyways??? Is there something you could share?? It would be well recieved. This one is from last winter...

Welcome! And we would love to see your pics! Special Interests are very welcome here

Aww, I love snow and winter, where I live is rather warm so your picture is making me a bit jealous.

I like taking pictures of everything, but my favorite subjects are street cats (here some examples)

Yes, you are welcome. Many of us are only self diagnosed and some here like yourself, not sure. Btw are you English or American? Your english is excellent.

I'm 100% Italian, when I was in high school English was my special interest, so I ended up learning it a bit. I'm actually much more comfortable talking in English, this is why I'm here. Thank you!

You do mention some life experience and issues of a long term nature that could be explained by autism, especially as it can show up in women, take a look at the Jessica Kingsley publishers catalogue for texts by women with Autism and clinicians about this. Females with autism have tended to not be noticed, I think partly because womens socialisation is to internalise rather than externalise, and tends to place more emphasis on being accommodating and helpful to others, listening and not expecting to talk or be listened to, so much. Historically this has masked autism in women and girls.

I hope you enjoy it here and find it useful and supportive.

Thank you so much! I've read about women internalizing and mimicking during socialization and that's something I totally do. I always play a character when I talk to someone in real life, I pretend I could a job and friends and a normal life, and afterwards I feel kinda exhausted and disgusted with myself.

sorry I can't do very accurate links my tablet wouldn't do it, there's an article in la republicca ( www.republicca.it ) dated 2nd April 2021 about adult autism diagnosis and there is www.aspergerway.com (for italy) there are diagnosticians in all of the parts of Italy ,they are neuropsychiatrists ,but I can't tell you exactly as you don't say where you are near to!

I've also looked up some local resources, unfortunately the first available autism center is a bit away and we're still in lockdwon right now, I feel like I should talk to my therapist first anyway. Thank you for the links! Do you speak Italian?

Wait, wait, wait... I'm sorry, what? People are talking about you and insulting you because of... a backpack? A type of backpack used by professionals? And yes, I looked it up just now to see what they look like.

What kind of blazing, braindead idiots do you have near you, that would insult someone over a backpack? I've heard of stupid bullying, but that one is a special level of dumb even by my standards.

Well, I can say one thing: The insults that their 3 collective braincells are coming up with arent even worth the effort it would take for your mind to process them. I hope you dont ever let it get to you.

I mean, just... wow. "Backpack is weird".

I like you And this is my backpack, if you're interested, I like it because it's got a secret drawer. What can I say, my town is very small and catholic and everybody is a gossip and everybody knows everybody else's business. All the people my age have a career and 1½ kids, and I never quite understood how they did it, it's like I skipped a class in how to go through life or something. Some people point and stare, get mad at me for having a camera, someone almost called the cops... it's either you do things the *normal* way or nothing at all. I'm really glad someone else out there thinks it's utterly ridicolous, it is just a backpack!

@Mia, @VictorR, @unperson and @Wolfsage hi! Thank you! And I hope I haven't forgotten anyone, if I did I'm sorry

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Dont let anyone stop the creative process! The artist needs the easel and brushes and all that. I cannot imagine such a place as you describe, i live alone in the wilderness, at the end of the dirt road, in a little valley that is on no maps. I take pics of collections of objects on tables,

reflections in glass, wildlife, scenery, etc. Thank you for sharing!

 

[Greatshield17]

Ahh, that would be the dream, wouldn't it! I'd love to see your pictures





Aww, I love snow and winter, where I live is rather warm so your picture is making me a bit jealous.

I like taking pictures of everything, but my favorite subjects are street cats (here some examples)

View attachment 67114 View attachment 67115 View attachment 67116 View attachment 67117

Those are some nice photos, here are some of my own:


I like snow and cats too.

I'm 100% Italian, when I was in high school English was my special interest, so I ended up learning it a bit. I'm actually much more comfortable talking in English, this is why I'm here. Thank you!

I've also looked up some local resources, unfortunately the first available autism center is a bit away and we're still in lockdwon right now, I feel like I should talk to my therapist first anyway. Thank you for the links! Do you speak Italian?

Do you know your local dialect? (assuming you don’t live in or near Florence, in which case your local dialect would be the same dialect that was made the official language of Italy) The Italian Peninsula used to be quite a diverse place, and there was a wide variety of local dialects and culture; although from what I’ve heard, the diversity is still there, and a lot of the local dialects are actually coming back now.

I don’t know the Florentine dialect, but I might be able to pick up some words, I know a bit of Spanish, a bit of Ecclesial and Classic Latin, and I’m trying to learn Basque, my own ancestral language, so far though, nire euskara txarra da. (The same goes for my Spanish and Latin to varying degrees.)