First of all, Discord. Come on, we've been over this, remember? Discord technically has its uses... sort of... but as a social platform, it is inherently toxic. If I went there myself and tried to integrate and interact with people on there, just like you did, I'd be giggled right out the gate, just the same. And so would most people I know. It's just a toxic place. Seriously, I know you're probably tired of hearing me say this over and over again, but: Uninstall it. For good! Get rid of it!
Second.... if you want to meet other people to play games with? There are other ways to do that, you know. Heck, I bet you could find people to play with right on this very site (well, maybe, it's not a gaming focused-forum, but still, worth a try, eh?) Heck, I'll join you for whatever (if you think you can tolerate me long enough... I'm not really used to multiplayer stuff outside of fighting games, but hey, the offer is there). Do you use Steam? That's a great place to find others with similar interests when done right. Even I have done that, spiky and unpleasant as I can be. Not that Steam doesnt have spiky sections, mind you. But most of it? Pretty nice. It's a good community. Most people are friendly enough, it's easy to get answers to questions, and trolls are usually dealt with quite swiftly. Why not go there, instead of Discord?
Same with any hobby, really. There are good places to go in relation to it (whatever "it" is) and there's bad places to go. Go to the good places. Stop going to the bad places.
You keep digging into this one very specific spot over and over again... Discord in this case... and expecting to find the same treasure there. That treasure wasn't buried there the last 600 times you dug up that spot, and it still isn't there on attempt #601, because it never was there to begin with. In fact, it's filled with rotting rat remains, which were there the first time and have only rotted further over time, but still, you keep going back to that spot hoping for gold. Why not, you know, try absolutely any other bloody spot?
And as for the rest of it... one way or another, you're allowing these past experiences to freaking RULE you, like an evil king with an iron fist. Key word there being "allow". It doesn't have to be that way, you know. Don't get me wrong, I know full well that it's really difficult to get past that sort of thing. Been there, done that. I give the experience 0 out of 10 stars. Don't recommend.
But still, you can start saying "no" to that. You can. But you have to actually do that, and keep doing that. One "no" aint enough to knock that king off of his throne.
I have another suggestion for you though. This is one that I got from my therapist, and it's a suggestion I think has a lot of potential behind it. The idea is this: When it comes to your interests, or activities you can/want/need to do around your house (so, in a totally safe space, NOT in a public area or online), sort of... force yourself to start on one. Pick a game (not online!), maybe, or grab a pencil to draw with, or, I dunno, get up and do some dishes. Just something. Even if you dont quite feel like it... just sit down, say "heck with it" and get rollin'. Maybe you can go for an hour. Maybe only 5 minutes. Either is fine, really.
And the idea is this: don't have a "zero percent" day. AKA, a day where you just... avoid all things. That sort of day, that sucks you deeper into depression real fast. Practically a speedrun strategy. But if you sit down, and just DO something... that doesn't involve interacting with idiots... and let yourself experience that for at least a few minutes. Longer, if possible. But at least SOMETHING. To get some stimulation flowing. Over time, over days/weeks, you might well find that it becomes easier and easier to do, well, anything. Easier to stop depression from knocking you over when you want to do something fun or perform an important task around the house.
I dont know if I'm explaining this quite right... but I think you can probably see what I'm getting at, at least. It's a bit of a new concept to me so my explanation is probably a bit wobbly, sorry.
In many cases, it's a projection. Of anger and/or frustration. There's the traditional "gamer rage" where you lose at something, and of course it cant be *your* fault, so you go scream at your teammates instead so that you dont have to accept your part in that defeat... that's a common one. Or, there's anger overload, where frustration and such in your personal life just... boils over. You're anonymous online with a headset on, so... time to scream obscenities at people where you cant get in trouble for it. And of course there are others who are just.... I dont know, hollow. What they see as their incredible skill/knowledge in some game or other helps them to fill a void, and they can bolster that by mocking others who do not have that level of skill/knowledge. I've seen that one A LOT. It's similar to why a lot of school bullies do what they do. That strength or superiority they feel... or WANT to feel... that they have can be validated by picking on those they feel is weaker. In their minds, that's how it works.
That's about as well as I can explain it without needing like 50 paragraphs.
And
@Markness , I hope you take note of that explanation, because a lot of the unpleasantness that you get hit with while playing online really is not about you... it's about those reasons I just mentioned. You arent being targeted for any other reason. You just happened to wander into the crosshairs. And yes I know that sometimes people online will try to get really personal with insults, but... yeah, these reasons fuel THAT, too. It's an unfortunate side effect of multiplayer online gaming. Nobody gets to avoid having to deal with players who are doing that. Not even me.
