I'm lost. Suggestions?

[ASDtropic]

I'm 31M. Society traumatizmed me to hell and back until I was 25. Then I made some lucky investments and retired. Very close to zero social interaction between 25 and 31.

The problem is that I've ran out of entertainment and interests to explore and I'm feeling extremely restless. Going over my options:

Online groups? Tried like a dozen and it didnt go anywhere. Should I try socializing irl again? I could, but people openly dislike me so why should I? I've joined and consistently attended weekly meetings for my interest last year. It didnt add trauma, but I did get called quiet and stuff. I got no enjoyment out of this whole venture.

I have no way to make friends, no way to try a relationship, and now no way to entertain myself.

I do have time, money, and no obligations.

About 2 weeks away from getting a diagnosis. I could then take it and get some therapy, but this terrifies me too. How am I going to recount several lifetimes' worth of trauma? How am I going to force myself to go to support groups? Even seeing a psychologist for any reason is an enormous challenge that I have yet to get over.

No neurodiverse groups around me. Nothing on meetup. I live 1hr away from chicago and dont have a problem with driving there. There just isnt any reason to.

Should I be trying to socialize???

I think I would be a happy hermit as long as I had 100 years worth of entertainment to get lost in. So is there a reason to torture myself by going out? But I dont have any entertainment so....what can I do?

 

[Tom]

I find viewing life's purpose as primarily being entertained very strange. I guess I can see it as taking the path of least resistance, the easy way out.

Have you ever considered doing something useful? Different people will have different views on what is useful, but let's limit it to pretty established ideas about helping others, or animals or trees, whatever, in some way.

I think relationships and children can be an useful endeavor if your intent is to be a good partner or parent and you follow thru with that.

 

[ASDtropic]

I find viewing life's purpose as primarily being entertained very strange. I guess I can see it as taking the path of least resistance, the easy way out.

Have you ever considered doing something useful? Different people will have different views on what is useful, but let's limit it to pretty established ideas about helping others, or animals or trees, whatever, in some way.

I think relationships and children can be an useful endeavor if your intent is to be a good partner or parent and you follow thru with that.

I think something useful is usually accompanied by a lot of forced socialization. This social aspect stops me from traveling, volunteering, starting a business, etc. I am extremely traumatized and very unwilling to deal with it. Not even sure why I'm getting that diagnosis. Maybe there's some therapy or medication that wont require effort from me...

Don't know anything about relationships. I don't have a single picture of myself, so its tough to use dating apps. I'm most likely unattractive with very dark circles under my eyes and my back not being straight. It was drilled into me daily and repeatedly that I'm ugly. My confidence never had a chance to form.

I tried getting rid of these dark circles at least, but nothing worked. I also spent 2 full years in gym. It got me muscle, but it did nothing for self esteem.

I don't look good. I don't have a shred of confidence. I don't have much to say to anyone. There is no way I can approach women and start + keep conversations going. That's why I don't consider dating to be something I'm capable of.

 

[tree]

Sometimes racoon eyes (dark circles under the eyes)
are the result of food allergy.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/320211#differences-to-black-eyes

 

[Tom]

I do get the trauma and fear. I would guess most on the spectrum share that experience to greater or lesser degrees.
In your case I think getting a diagnosis is a good idea. Therapy and medication both can help. There is no med for autism per se, but there are for the various co-morbids like anxiety, depression, etc.

But I do think all improvement does require at least some effort. I don't know what is all behind that roadblock, but from what you mention maybe something like fear of rejection, embarrassment, failure, etc.

There usually is more then one way around a roadblock btw. As one example a lot of autists relate easier with animals and can work very well with them. And that can lead to some exposure/interaction with people. I always found it easier to be with people if occupied in some activity, like work, a hobby, etc. Just being with people for socializing on the other hand is very hard.

 

[ASDtropic]

Thanks for the replies guys I appreciate you

Socialization is weird. It's not that I'm incapable of it completely. It just doesnt go well and I get nothing out of it at all. I have to mask heavily and bring a smile out while I'm feeling tortured inside. I went to a beach with an acquaintance recently and I just wanted to be anywhere but there

Its the same for all other social situations I've ever been in. All dread and zero fun. Then I ruminate on it and come up with no conclusions at all.

You guys really think I should keep doing this? I have experienced bars, parties, and travel before. All of it was incredibly dreadful. I only felt good inside my house. Not anymore though since I cant beat the boredom any longer

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Nothing comes without effort, even for NTs. My breakthrough with learning the social came when I joined activity groups where interest and contribution counted for more than neurology. That led to new skills and friendships that have lasted 40 years. But, I had to overcome negative views of myself from social isolation that I internalized before I could grow. I have learned that if one wishes to be of service to one's community a person must tolerate the social. The least demanding is working with an animal shelter, yet I have gotten involved as my township's Election Chair, and a member of our Planning Commission.

A lot of work on myself led me to meet my future spouse when we signed up for a trail maintenance project. Learning to be vulnerable with another was hard fo me after decades of feeling rejected. Not only is a relationship a lot of work, negotiation, and compromise, to a greater extent than any social demand, the rewards of support and intimacy were life changing for me.

 

[Misery]

You guys really think I should keep doing this? I have experienced bars, parties, and travel before. All of it was incredibly dreadful. I only felt good inside my house. Not anymore though since I cant beat the boredom any longer

If you want to try out social situations and such... maybe, try different ones? What you've listed here are like, the most stressful types. I can generally handle dealing with people in day-to-day situations, and even at events (conventions), but even I wouldn't be able to handle bars or parties whatsoever. And while I do like to travel, well... airports are not exactly the place I'd want to be, that's for sure. A means to an end and nothing more.

Here's a question: What kind of places do YOU want to go? As in, entirely regardless of whether those places are popular, or whether or not anyone around you has an interest in them. Places that you really, genuinely want to check out. If there are such places... go to those. If not? Maybe it's time to explore a bit. Look for new things. Stuff you havent tried, places you havent explored.

As for everything else... honestly my situation is similar to yours. Free time, all the time, no need to worry about money. And yes, I'd gotten more than a bit stir-crazy over time. Particularly during lockdown. Eventually it culminated in the worst panic attack I'd ever had (up to that point anyway) after the stress from being stuck in one spot had built up too much. Granted that was not the only cause, but it was a huge part of it.

What helped me was VARIETY. My father advised me to find new activities I could do... not like, social things, but hobbies. So that I have more things to choose from. One of them being art, so that I have something to do that's productive, making things for others to enjoy. I tell ya, this helped A LOT. Way more than I'd have thought.

The other thing that makes a huge difference is my car. I need to be able to get out and drive, fairly often. Going more than a couple of days without doing that will cause problems real fast. I live in the middle of nowhere, so I can go roam around mostly blank areas with no traffic. Wouldnt work in a city or any other type of urban zone.

As for finding friends, well... it's kinda like that first bit I mentioned. Just looking in places that naturally stress you out, places that you go to strictly because others are there, instead of because you WANT to be there? That's not going to work. That goes for online, too.

If you find this forum appealing at all, maybe this is a good place to start? It's certainly where I go. Everyone here is friendly and accepting and whatnot. Granted the occasional troll shows up every now and then, but they're swiftly removed. So... yeah, maybe worth a try?

 

[Outdated]

IShould I be trying to socialize???

I'm near 3 decades older than you and pretty much in the same place at the moment. It's certainly not the first time I've been here either.

I'm going for some volunteer work at the moment. I have no idea how that will turn out but to suit me it doesn't have to last forever. I don't have any real life friends at the moment and I'd like to have a couple, even more so I'd like to have a girlfriend.

We'll see what happens.

 

[Rodafina]

It sounds like you are seeking purpose in life. Entertainment is a distraction, but when it starts to lose it's interest for us, we are left to ponder deeper things like feeling the desire to have purpose in our life. That doesn't always have to involve socializing, although it can sometimes involve interacting with other humans.

I agree with @Misery that the types of socializing that you've mentioned (parties, bars, and travel) seem to be some of the most stressful and intense ones. There are many other ways to socialize if that is something you are wanting. Many of us can get stuck in between the feelings of loneliness and an insatiable desire for solitude. This place is good place to have some human connection in a (hopefully) safe and comfortable way.

Perhaps if you are not up for volunteering or getting involved in a community organization, you could find a new hobby that gets you out into the world a bit more. Some of us here really enjoy photography, others spend alot of time in the wilderness. There are writers, artists, and musicians. All of these things require brain power and skill - learning new things can help to fill the void.

Craving passive entertainment can actually be a sign of growing depression and isolation can add to this problem. There is a big difference between isolation and solitude and it is important for us to find that fine line that works for us.

 

[SusanLR]

If I had time and money and liked it at home, I would definitely have plenty to keep me occupied with things I'd enjoy doing.
Once I lived that way, but now circumstances have changed, and I had to start living with a house mate due to finances. This has turned into being his caregiver this year as he is elderly and many health issues happened.

When I could live mainly at home, I was much like @Misery stated about his life.
Only thing was, I had so many interests and whatever I wanted to keep myself entertained, I never got bored.

I was home schooled during high school and lived with my parents in a large house in the suburbs of a city in Missouri.
Here's some of the things that kept me happy:
A greenhouse, a ceramic studio, outside plants and gardening, three cats and a zoo of other animals from snakes to pheasants, oil painting, drawing, piano, music, TV, 20 aquariums and plenty to read.
Horseback riding at a river on Sundays. Fishing on Saturday.
All to myself and never bored.
Driving out away from the city when I wanted to get out.
A few years later I added tennis.
If I had the same opportunity today, I would also add video games.

Purpose? Never really felt that need.
I worked for 10 years starting at age 25 as a pharmacist for ten years and few odd jobs, (mainly delivery using my own van), that had a purpose: to make enough money to contribute like rent to live where I wanted. At home.
My main purpose has been to live life as enjoyable as possible.

My end goal was to live in a van seeing and going where I wanted in USA.
That has been squelched due to a problem I developed walking.

 

[Judge]

I do have time, money, and no obligations.

Realistically, you have the most important aspect of mobility. You have resources.

Under the circumstances you have outlined in your original post, hopefully you can convey them to whoever will be assessing you, to consider other comorbid conditions to autism which might explain some things.

Such as potentially having to deal with conditions like clinical depression, which can so easily sap you of any enthusiasm or will to do much of anything. Especially when you no longer work and have time that most people simply don't have.

Some people make the appropriate adjustment to retirement while others don't. I'm retired at the age of 67 and covet it. With no regrets about no longer having to work or interact with others because I had to. Though I still have to deal with chronic clinical depression and OCD, and whatever "curveballs" my autism may throw me from time to time.

 

[ASDtropic]

Thanks for all of your insights. I've been trying to form some responses, but I kind of dont have much to say other than been there, tried it, hated it. Better to say nothing?

Nice observation with regards to me being like a retired person at 65. I've been looking into that and trying to snag some extra insights from those sources, but they're just either bored to death or not. Very black and white situations like mine. Tough to take away anything from them

I'll definitely keep hanging around. You guys are great

 

[Judge]

Thanks for all of your insights. I've been trying to form some responses, but I kind of dont have much to say other than been there, tried it, hated it. Better to say nothing?

Nice observation with regards to me being like a retired person at 65. I've been looking into that and trying to snag some extra insights from those sources, but they're just either bored to death or not. Very black and white situations like mine. Tough to take away anything from them

I'll definitely keep hanging around. You guys are great

It can be complicated in how some deal with no longer working.

It's a weird social dynamic in that many relish retirement at any age, while others like my father found it to be toxic to his work ethic. Something he could not seem to control even after three heart attacks, not to mention the three persons who took over his one job and all of them ended up quitting in disgust. Even then, he occupied his time with hobbies and travel in my parents' motor home. Yet it was just that internal conflict in his heart and mind that he just couldn't seem to overcome.

His second heart attack permanently retired him as a civil engineer, and in retirement he still incurred a third and final heart attack that killed him. He was considered a classic "type A" personality by his cardiologist. A mentality which both my brother and I worked on to avoid. Something my brother was much better at than myself. But neither of us were so zealous about being defined by what we did for a living like my father was. Very sad.

Then again I saw an elderly woman on CBS News who is a hospital janitor and has been all her life. With utterly no intention of ever retiring. Viewed lovingly as an asset by her employers. Go figure...

 

[Shevek]

We are living through the most pivotal time in human history. I had a look at the situation as it was developing decades ago, and evaluated my interests and talents regarding helping with it. I was able to do my research without dealing with people, and then when I got some results, people wanted to meet me, both professionally and socially. Being entertained is nice for a break, but making things, from essays to houses, is more satisfying and interesting.

 

[Aspychata]

Just a few ideas. Travel to places that you want to go to. Develop hobbies of things that interest you. Hobbies always kept me grounded. Try taking a musical lesson. Think what l am saying is go out and discover yourself. Yes, it's painful, there's people, there's travel, and all that. But you have a purpose in mind, to discover what you like to do, who you want to become. It's work, however, you may discover things you never knew about yourself. Just pick one new thing a month to do. Just one thing you have never done.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

It sounds like you are seeking purpose in life. Entertainment is a distraction, but when it starts to lose it's interest for us, we are left to ponder deeper things like feeling the desire to have purpose in our life. That doesn't always have to involve socializing, although it can sometimes involve interacting with other humans.

I agree with @Misery that the types of socializing that you've mentioned (parties, bars, and travel) seem to be some of the most stressful and intense ones. There are many other ways to socialize if that is something you are wanting. Many of us can get stuck in between the feelings of loneliness and an insatiable desire for solitude. This place is good place to have some human connection in a (hopefully) safe and comfortable way.

Perhaps if you are not up for volunteering or getting involved in a community organization, you could find a new hobby that gets you out into the world a bit more. Some of us here really enjoy photography, others spend alot of time in the wilderness. There are writers, artists, and musicians. All of these things require brain power and skill - learning new things can help to fill the void.

Craving passive entertainment can actually be a sign of growing depression and isolation can add to this problem. There is a big difference between isolation and solitude and it is important for us to find that fine line that works for us.

My volunteering this weekend will be helping with my kayak, running safety for swimmers on the swim leg of an Ironman Triathalon. The ultimate solo occupation in a group setting. I will be using my Dagger, Stratos, a great stable kayak that is actually made for surfing.