I’m Lost.

[JojobaOil]

I’m very lost. I’m at that age where everything is changing and I have no idea where I will be in 8 months. It’s very scary.

When I was younger, my class in elementary school went on a school trip to a large structure and everyone was given the chance to climb it. I flat out refused. But now I can’t just say no to college. I need a path and sadly college is a necessary step of this plan.

So much transition is happening and I don’t know how to respond to it.

I don’t know if I’m autistic and this is also the source of a lot of anxiety. What if I’m just normal? If I’m so normal why is it impossible for me to be like the rest of the normal people? Why can’t I act like them and have friends like them? I try very hard to act just like all the normal people do and I’ve still failed. I do believe in self diagnosis, but for everyone except me. I don’t think I can judge myself fairly. Some people know; I don’t.

Maybe it’s all an overreaction caused by the stress of college application season. I just want an answer. I’m working with my parents on getting a therapist. I love this quote from twitter, I see it on memes all the time: “no thoughts. head empty.” Because I wish I could feel that way. I have so many thoughts and very few ways to express them.

Answer me this question: is there a specific moment you knew, even before being diagnosed, that you were autistic (or some kind of different). Be specific as possible to the smell of the place you were, if you can remember.

 

[SusanLR]

Sixth grade.
1. Bullied about my looks. Called names.

2. Teacher was reading a story that we had to answer questions about after and I was looking at the
floor. She told me to look at her not the floor.
I told her if I did that I would not remember any of the story.

3. The few fellow students who showed some interest in being friendly I guess I appeared insulting to
as I spoke my mind on how I felt. If it didn't agree with their thinking, that was that.

4. Others didn't want me to be involved in recess or sports games at school.

That's when anxiety started hard and heavy for me.

Smells? Most of this was in school. I would describe smell of school as stale and not fresh.

 

[Misery]

I knew something was off back in my school days (I graduated in 2000). I always had heightened sensitivity, particularly to sound and touch. Heck, there's one notable story my mom brings up sometimes, where I'd been at pre-school, and sometimes as a reward for doing a good job, they'd put like a sticker on your arm or something. Most kids liked it. I just cried a bunch because it "hurt". Obviously having a sticker on your arm doesnt do actual damage, but that exaggerated sensory crap distorted it.

And of course in the rest of my school days, I didnt really make friends much and avoided most people.

Highschool in particular was unique. For most students, the teacher says to do something, and you do it. But me? If there's something I dont want to do... you arent getting me to do it. I cant be cajoled into it, and I cannot be intimidated (and believe me, people have tried that second one). This came into play with gym class (or is it "physical education" now?). I hate sports. I've always hated sports. Things like football and basketball were major things they did back then. I hate those. I did not do them. Refused. What's that? Grades? Dont care. I dislike the sports, and even moreso disliked all the other kids. Hell, I dont know how to play those in any case. There was one time, out on the field, where football (American football, that is) was happening. I'm placed on some team or other, but as usual, just wandered around and looked at stuff. After some random chaos, the ball lands near me. I took one look at it, noted the direction of where the field was from where I was standing, and violently kicked the crap out of it.... in the opposite direction. I then went back to wandering. That was the moment the teachers realized I simply could not be made to do that stuff. I was put on a different program. Certain days out of the week, instead of gym class, I'd get on a bus with a few others, and we'd go to the local driving range (golf practice area) and hit golf balls for an hour. I DID understand golf and even had my own clubs. Amusing side effect of this was that I carried that golf club EVERYWHERE. I never put stuff back in my locker, because it took too long to go to it, and so carried all of my stuff with me all the time... and that meant the club too. Incidentally, that was right around the time when the school's various bullies stopped pestering me. Cant imagine what triggered that. And yes, the faculty knew I did this. I didnt try to hide the thing. It DEFINITELY stood out. But all the faculty knew me, so... that was fine. Chances are I was the only one in the school who could have gotten away with doing that. For most kids, if they'd tried carrying around a huge metal club to every freaking class (seriously, I did indeed have that in EVERY class), they'd have been in big trouble. This still amuses me even now.

And yeah, all of that stuff, I think that's part of what really cemented it in my parents' minds, that I wasnt "normal". Later this would be proven further after college, and my 10 gazillion failed attempts at holding a job. Eventually, the diagnosis process happened.... a bizarre ordeal spanning the course of a week, with a team of doctors doing who knows what.

Now, as for the idea of trying to be "normal".... feh. I dont bother. I dont see the point. I know I'm freaking bizarre, and I just run with it. "Normal" is really boring anyway. "Weird" is so much more interesting.


As for the smells of places.... couldnt tell ya. I have allergies. What am I allergic to? EVERYTHING. These days, I'm on allergy pills (I call them "sanity pills", because that's what they give me), but back in my school days, I had VERY frequent days of snot-ridden.... I hesitate to use the word "misery" but that's the only word that fits. It was terrible. I mean, try dealing with unending mucus DURING school days. Ugh. Smell? There was a time when my parents werent even sure I had a sense of smell, I'll put it that way. If those schools had a scent to them... I never knew it.


There, I'm done rambling.

 

[Progster]

I didn't know I was autistic, I just knew that I was different. Or couldn't do things that others could, other things I could do that others couldn't. Or I was bad at some things and couldn't improve, no matter how hard I tried.
In my first year of primary school I was teased a lot, and I shouted 'why' at them, because I was aware of being singled out for being different, but couldn't understand why.

 

[Bolletje]

I knew I was different at age 10, but other than being teased it didn’t cause me a lot of trouble. Age 14/15 I started to feel like a stranger among my peers because I didn’t understand them and couldn’t connect with them. I did a lot of growing up in my late teens and early twenties. Moved out of my parents’ house when I turned 18 and learned how to figure out life on my own. I mostly honed my social skills by going to bars. I made lots of friends who were different too.
University was tricky at first due to social anxiety, but I got used to it.

 

[Wolfnox]

Age five or six. Knew i was different. Just not in what way.

 

[Mia]

Felt I was different from my older siblings early on. I had a lot of meltdowns in the early years, mainly as a result of being pushed around by the family and being unable to verbally express what I thought. I was less afraid than they were of the consequences of thinking for myself. And got in trouble a lot for doing things on my own.
Making my own decisions, going off by myself, creating an imaginary world that I wanted to live in. Don't know if that was simply a response to being controlled all the time, or a harbinger of autism. That independence or self-reliance at an early age.
As for the smell, there was a large basket of apples, on the back verandah. Which meant that I could have something to eat or bring with me as I went out the back door, on my travels as a child. Apples meant freedom, and to this day I pick apples every fall.

 

[Streetwise]

I’m very lost. I’m at that age where everything is changing and I have no idea where I will be in 8 months. It’s very scary.

When I was younger, my class in elementary school went on a school trip to a large structure and everyone was given the chance to climb it. I flat out refused. But now I can’t just say no to college. I need a path and sadly college is a necessary step of this plan.

So much transition is happening and I don’t know how to respond to it.

I don’t know if I’m autistic and this is also the source of a lot of anxiety. What if I’m just normal? If I’m so normal why is it impossible for me to be like the rest of the normal people? Why can’t I act like them and have friends like them? I try very hard to act just like all the normal people do and I’ve still failed. I do believe in self diagnosis, but for everyone except me. I don’t think I can judge myself fairly. Some people know; I don’t.

Maybe it’s all an overreaction caused by the stress of college application season. I just want an answer. I’m working with my parents on getting a therapist. I love this quote from twitter, I see it on memes all the time: “no thoughts. head empty.” Because I wish I could feel that way. I have so many thoughts and very few ways to express them.

Answer me this question: is there a specific moment you knew, even before being diagnosed, that you were autistic (or some kind of different). Be specific as possible to the smell of the place you were, if you can remember.

I think possibly grade 5 in the UK ,it’s called primary school up to grade 6 ,I was in a classroom ,I can smell the paper ,it’s a particular smell of paper, that isn’t titanium white, but slightly yellowy not exactly toilet tissue but like toilet tissue, I can see books in the bookcase on one side of me and I’m drawing a picture of a shark, i’m inside the school on a break time so happy because I don’t have to be outside.

 

[Pats]

I'm 62. At 59, I had joined 3 of my kids and their families on a beach trip. I found myself hiding out in the bathroom and trying to figure out how I could get out of there without being noticed. These were my own kids and my kids-in-law and my grandkids - and I was hiding from them. I managed to get out and drive home 4 days early and cried all the way home (of course getting lost 4 times and turning a 4 hour trip into an 8 hour trip didn't help). But I was mortified over my own reactions to events and, although, I've experienced things like that before, it was never as extreme as this felt and I knew something was not right with me. I thought about it for weeks on end and wanted to know what was wrong with me.

One morning I woke up with the thought (no idea where the thought came from or why) to look up autism and I did. Of course, it was more of the male generic definitions and I thought I could relate to some but I didn't think that was it. The next morning I woke up with the thought 'look up female aspergers'. Why? No idea. But I read this long article and it was like I could have written it. It explained, not only about this incident, but my entire life and all the questions I was never able to answer about myself. Things I'd tried to talk to my sister about that she didn't understand so I'd just give up. It was all there, right in front of me. That day I took out a new notepad and pen and started writing down all the things in my life related to what I was reading and I filled the notebook completely over the next 2 days.

I moved on to more articles relating to everything I was reading. I took the test I ran across and scored high. I actually felt excited over my stumbling into these answers. I called my sister, who was like, "Naw, you're just you. That's just the way you've always been." Yes - because I've always been autistic!!! So as she's trying to say these traits are just who I am - recognizing the traits - just refusing to label them. My youngest daughter is just like me and one of my grandsons seemed to have some noticeable traits, too, so I decided to go for an official diagnosis before talking to my kids about it. Then they would know - yes, I have autism so, therefore, yes, they or their child(ren) could also be autistic and might be good to know for their own futures. I didn't want them stumbling through life always wondering what's wrong with them like I did, and , maybe, even getting help when and if needed. None of them seemed to question the diagnosis - my youngest sons immediately responded that, yes, he could see that. My oldest son realized it fit him, too and also scored high on the test. My youngest daughter was highly interested because it fit her, too. My oldest daughter accepted easily but more of an 'it is what it is' attitude.

Thing is, you know how you feel inside - only you. But, even with autism, you can conquer what seems impossible to you. I did - Knowing something was wrong with me, just not knowing what - I became a nurse and raised 4 kids completely by myself (no financial or other kid of help from anyone). My mom babysat for me to work, though I did pay her. But that was the extent of help I got. I was always surprised I did it - it never really fit who I was, but I did it anyway. So, no matter what you feel like you have to do - crawl your way through, if you need to, but don't give up.

 

[Imeguras]

I never knew i was an autist until a few weaks ago but i can tell some stories that i think of to post self diagnose myself with:

When i was in 5th grade i changed schools and my parents where super "protective" and told me that i should keep my phone hidden at all times because people would steal it from me, after a class it was time for a small break(15 min) to eat, I called my mom to ask where the cafeteria was(she knew the school cause she was a teacher in a "subsidiary" school, so she visited my school once or twice every semester) and i was super anxious to show my phone, after taking every single vague instruction i finally arrived there when i come back for the other class(one that im late for) instead of thinking(ill just knock and say im sorry for being late and if i can enter) i just started crying next to it

I also cried when it was lunch time because there was a line and it was taking forever(i was anxious of arriving late again)
Then there was that time on 6th grade, when i was in PE and a colleague of mine(which had a strange affinity for making me anxious and uncomfortable) decided that she would enjoy to make me trip, so she did, i was on idle mode so i falled face flat on the rocky asphalt, i get slightly up pain everyone was looking weird cause i was a bit emotionless for a sec and then i looked at her face, lets just say her laughter hurt twenty times more than the skin removing asphalt so i had a huge meltdown, and started crying and running from everyone, the teacher then made the entire class search for me since i wanted to be alone and thought "maybe if i disappear for the duration of PE she would suffer a bit" they took like 20 minutes to find me(which was a lot taking the fact that the girl was super nervous since she thought that i ran away from school)

Learned to code java at 11-13 alone with only english youtube videos

Always weird since i wasnt a full nerd but wasnt fully social(because i basically made everyone laugh with jokes and self depricating acts), I could easily solve math, science problems altought my grades didnt show it(im still doubtful about this one, cause i still dont have good grades) so a lot of people close to me asked me "Why are you so smart yet your grades suck?"(for a lot of time this killed my ego, and ive grown a bit of hate for School because of it

I never act in the same way towards a situation and when explaining my actions i tend to be very contradictory which gives me a hypocrite trait on my personality sometimes i faked a lot of emotions since i thought others were expecting a reaction from me and since i cant properly interpret feelings it led to some weird events, I always had difficulty understanding if people were laughting at me or with me, and will easily miss a joke

I never really understood empathy(i was called a cold person) but at the same time i cant thrown a insult at a person(without it being ironic)

This coupled with some thoughts and actions and i kinda started to check diagnosis on myself but everyday i was feeling worse and worse so i got to see a therapist

 

[AloneNotLonely]

IQ tests. I found out that everyone had retard-level IQ except me and my friends. Never felt more normal.

Naturally that didn't last.

Say no to college, by the way. You have no clue about what you want to do with your life, so college is the last place you need to be. It will end very bad for you if you go to college without an extremely detailed plan on what you want to achieve in college.