I'm new and a bit lost

[Lillian2]

Hi all,

I'm the partner of a man with Asperger's, and joined this site wondering if there is a spot for NT discussion regarding close relatives/partners with AS.

My situation is probably a typical one, with perhaps some small differences. My AS partner is very loving, very caring. When we first moved in together I knew he had AS but because he is so social etc I never realised it would be an issue. For the first year of our living together, I went through phases of firstly doing everything in the house, then realising that this is not fair, so I asked him to help me with tasks, and it would cause horrible fights to the point where I almost left him.

In the past two years, he has gotten better (I think he was scared of my leaving) - he has made domestic chores part of his routine and helps me out a lot. If I ask him to do something, he will do it. He is very loving, he loves physical contact and we spend a lot of time together. Generally he is a very good carer, so I have no problems in that regard.

My issue lies when he starts to get 'unreasonable' ie. meltdown time. I have attended psychologist appointments with him and we have talked about quiet places and taking time outs when he is stressed etc, but sometimes this does not work. I try very hard to explain this in a way he will understand, but I think I often do this at the wrong time ie. when he is at meltdown point or close to meltdown which makes things get worse. About 9 months ago we separated and then got back together again after a month (and two psych appointments together). Since then life has been wonderful - I have been very happy with him and despite his foibles (which I am aware of and they don't bother me, as I am also a person who loves alone time and concentrating on my own work, and am happy to spend only 1-2 hours or less with him each day - although sometimes we spend all day together, so this is not really an issue). Things changed last week - he is very stressed at the moment and I was afraid this would turn into meltdowns again (he hadn't had one for 6 months) - it did, twice. The first time was not too bad, I left him and he got it out himself quietly. The second one I tried to help him while he was in meltdown mode and it turned much worse, which him pushing me and breaking something in the house.

I have now told him that I need time off and that he has to leave, but I am feeling guilty. I know that I should have just left him alone, but I can't forgive him for pushing me or for breaking something. I don't really know what to do, hence I am posting here. Apologies if this forum is only for people on the spectrum! I will repost elsewhere in that case.

 

[SnowTiger20]

Hi there Lillian2.Welcome to Aspies Central

There are other NT people here who might be able to assist you,we are a very friendly community

 

[Judge]

No, you were right in coming here. We actually get a quite a few postings from NTs with Aspie partners. Hmmm. I haven't had a meltdown in years. However from time to time I do experience shutdowns. A considerably more passive experience without any "collateral damage".

I'm thinking that perhaps the solution lies in your own words. "I left him and he got it out himself quietly. The second one I tried to help him while he was in meltdown mode and it turned much worse, which him pushing me and breaking something in the house."

If he's going into a meltdown, excuse yourself. Let him negotiate his way out of it on his own terms. In as much as you want to help, to me this is a highly solitary process. That I'm best left alone to deal with such a situation.

 

[Lillian2]

Hi there Lillian2.Welcome to Aspies Central

There are other NT people here who might be able to assist you,we are a very friendly community

Thank you

 

[Lillian2]

No, you were right in coming here. We actually get a quite a few postings from NTs with Aspie partners. Hmmm. I haven't had a meltdown in years. However from time to time I do experience shutdowns. A considerably more passive experience without any "collateral damage".

I'm thinking that perhaps the solution lies in your own words. "I left him and he got it out himself quietly. The second one I tried to help him while he was in meltdown mode and it turned much worse, which him pushing me and breaking something in the house."

If he's going into a meltdown, excuse yourself. Let him negotiate his way out of it on his own terms. In as much as you want to help, to me this is a highly solitary process. That I'm best left alone to deal with such a situation.

Thank you for the reply. I think you're right that I need to look at the precedent ie. if I leave him alone he reads for a while and then is fine. I know how hard he has been working to make sure he doesn't have meltdowns, I know how hard he works every day, I just feel so horrible about his pushing me, and I'm scared it will happen again.

 

[Suzanne]

Perhaps because I am married to an nt and things are not at all easy, that I got wound up, reading your post!

His foilbles? Are you saying you do not have any?

Happy to let him have time alone, because you like time alone too! What if you didn't, what then? Is he suddenly being a pain?

You chose things would be great, because after all, despite how malfunctioned he is, he is very social and then, wham, all those malfunctional behaviours come out and instead of working together, you point the finger and say: he has the issues.

Our brains are wired differently or your brains are wired differently to ours.

Meltdowns happen, not due to being selfish; but because of overload; because of not having a voice; because of being misunderstood.

Take a child who is crying. Instead of asking the child for the reason they are crying, a parent shouts for them to be quiet or even smacks them for making a scene. Eventually, the child can't deal with it anymore and stands there and goes to the toilet and what happens? The parents smacks and yells at the child for being disgusting!

Now, you try being in a dark room and suddenly going outside into the bright sunlight. Our eyes adapt quickly, but suppose they didn't? You might start to panic and scream! Ahhh you are having a meltdown, but someone comes along and tells you to hush etc. Sensory overload is something that is either too bright or too loud. One would not make a dog, for example: listen to music right up to its ears, because they know the sound is even louder to their ears, due to sensitivity.

It seems to me that your boyfriend is trying really hard to be the type of man you want, but finds it hard to live up to and you are constantly thinking how you can better him.

Yes, it is great to have joined this site, because you will see that it is not cut and dried ie he has the problem and so, we need to fix it. I so hope you learn that no one is perfect and whether nt or aspie, we all have work ons.

Again, I am sorry for coming across as harsh, but when you live constantly with those who do not have aspergers, it is wonderful and relaxing to come to a forum that you feel relaxed in and hard when one reads a post like yours, because that is how my husband sees it; my issue that we need to solve.

 

[Lillian2]

Perhaps because I am married to an nt and things are not at all easy, that I got wound up, reading your post!

His foilbles? Are you saying you do not have any?

Happy to let him have time alone, because you like time alone too! What if you didn't, what then? Is he suddenly being a pain?

You chose things would be great, because after all, despite how malfunctioned he is, he is very social and then, wham, all those malfunctional behaviours come out and instead of working together, you point the finger and say: he has the issues.

Our brains are wired differently or your brains are wired differently to ours.

Meltdowns happen, not due to being selfish; but because of overload; because of not having a voice; because of being misunderstood.

Take a child who is crying. Instead of asking the child for the reason they are crying, a parent shouts for them to be quiet or even smacks them for making a scene. Eventually, the child can't deal with it anymore and stands there and goes to the toilet and what happens? The parents smacks and yells at the child for being disgusting!

Now, you try being in a dark room and suddenly going outside into the bright sunlight. Our eyes adapt quickly, but suppose they didn't? You might start to panic and scream! Ahhh you are having a meltdown, but someone comes along and tells you to hush etc. Sensory overload is something that is either too bright or too loud. One would not make a dog, for example: listen to music right up to its ears, because they know the sound is even louder to their ears, due to sensitivity.

It seems to me that your boyfriend is trying really hard to be the type of man you want, but finds it hard to live up to and you are constantly thinking how you can better him.

Yes, it is great to have joined this site, because you will see that it is not cut and dried ie he has the problem and so, we need to fix it. I so hope you learn that no one is perfect and whether nt or aspie, we all have work ons.

Again, I am sorry for coming across as harsh, but when you live constantly with those who do not have aspergers, it is wonderful and relaxing to come to a forum that you feel relaxed in and hard when one reads a post like yours, because that is how my husband sees it; my issue that we need to solve.

Thanks for the reply Suzanne. I think perhaps my wording may have made my intentions seem a little different from what they were. I'll reply to your comments in turn.

Firstly, there is no way I am seeing AS as a problem that need to be fixed. I know he is AS, I love him for it, to be honest, because I love his 'foibles' (I will get to that, because of course I have them!), the only thing I'm concerned about is the violent behaviour.

So, firstly, yes I have foibles (all humans do)! We have gone through therapy where I have talked at length about my need to resolve things (and how that affects him), and have been working hard (although not as hard as him, I will own) to make sure my behaviour is a complement to his, so that we can do well together. What I actually meant by 'foibles' was his obsession with a particular type of wooden spoon to use when he's cooking, which I find cute actually. Things like that.

But let me clarify - if he wants to be alone for 2 days in a row, I give him that space. So often I would love to spend time with him, but he wants to be alone, so I do something with one of my friends instead or do something alone.

I don't think he is the only one with issues - I just want to know whether it's better for me to leave him alone or stay with him and try to help him (ie. I don't want only him to change his behaviour, I want to work alongside his to make sure we work well together - I'm sorry but I thought I made that clear above, if I didn't I apologise). I've had the answer above, by 'Judge', and it's one that has been confirmed, but I just wanted confirmation again. As you can imagine, I've never been around someone who has turned violent like this, and I want to hear experiences of other AS people or NT people with partners who have turned violent and whether extreme remorse meant it never happened again.

I understand that meltdowns will happen, and I just want to know the best thing I can do to make sure that these affect him as little as possible, and affect me as little as possible.

I'm sorry that your husband thinks it's your issue, and that must be difficult. I wouldn't dream of doing that to my partner, which is why I have gone to therapy myself to help him, we have gone to couple therapy with an AS specialist etc so we can make sure we are both working towards making our r/ship work, because we love each other.

I hate to say this, and I'm sorry if I'm reaching too far, but I think perhaps you read your own situation in mine, and read similarities between your husband and I, so you attributed his attitude to mine (and then responded accordingly) - ie. projected your situation on this post. I can tell you very honestly that I don't think that I put unrealistic expectations on my partner ie. if we have a misunderstanding (a common event), I try to change the way I say things. If he gets frustrated because I'm not understanding him, I sit in front of him and give him time and help him (but if he doesn't want me to help him, I try to get outta there, if he wants that).

He does work very hard, but not only with me, but also to get through daily things like university, work, he has his own business etc (he is very productive), and if he has any issues, I am there for him. I help him, we talk about his issues. Our psych has told him that he can reduce meltdowns or eradicate them completely, and this is something he also wants - it may not happen, sure, but if it does then life will be happier for him and our relationship will be better, so if you read that as me only seeing it as his issue, it really isn't, I also have to work to help stop these meltdowns!

Again, I'm sorry if I caused any offence and I'm sorry to say this - but I think you read my post above in a way that doesn't really fit into my attitude towards my partner. I'm not offended, and not angry or frustrated. I do hope things work out better for you and your husband. Couples therapy really worked for us - I mean REALLY worked. It saved our relationship actually.

 

[angie78]

Welcome. I just joined too. I'm an NT to a very newly diagnosed AS.
Nice to meet you xx

 

[Lillian2]

Welcome. I just joined too. I'm an NT to a very newly diagnosed AS.
Nice to meet you xx

Nice to meet you too. My partner was diagnosed some years ago, before we got together, but he never dealt with a lot of the things he wants to deal with at the time because he was younger. So our first several years were difficult - we were constantly misunderstanding each other, but they are getting better. Slowly getting better...we are working better together is what I mean (I am very careful with my words, since I had a message above replying to my original message telling me that I'm putting all the responsibility on my partner to change, but that's not the case at all - i don't want to offend). x

 

[Elemental]

Hi Lillian2 Welcome to Central

I'm diagnosed ASD & have been seeing my - also somewhat Spectrumite - guy for two years this November. A lot of the issues you mention are common to us too. I have issues sharing my (home) space for over-long periods of time & unfair domestic task delegation is something we argued over a lot too but like with you, there has been progress & I'm committed to staying with the relationship as I believe he is too. Loyalty can be an enhanced trait among we who feel things hyper-acutely.

I learned I have to try to incorporate others into my life sometimes because it's a good thing to do sometimes; I live isolated solitary in-between times & he has learned that he has to take some responsibility for the mess & clutter that gets generated between us & also get involved in the daily stuff that needs attention. He also sees how happy his helping out makes me feel & I understand how my own meltdowns or intolerance can affect him too, so I think we both try to make allowances.

That's on a good day lol

If things get bad between us, or tiring, we don't meet up for a few weeks & by the time we do again, we're glad to see each other. I think there may be as many problems for couples who are both Spectrumite as there may be for couples where only one of the pair are. Best of luck with things.

 

[Tunie]

I'm the autistic partner in an AS-NT relationship, and just wanted to add a few points.

One has already been covered, somewhat. You get better responses when you leave him to have his meltdown on his own, so this is definitely something to try to do.

Honestly, when I'm going through a meltdown I often don't know what I want, but I do try to get myself away from people if I can because I worry that I could snap at them. Violence is absolutely wrong and so your husband needs to control that, but that sense of panic and frustration can be very difficult to deal with. Occasionally, I will hit a door if it's particularly bad, but it is rare that it reaches that point and that's an action as a last resort. I would absolutely never harm anyone else during a meltdown, but I do worry that my raised voice and what looks like anger on the surface could upset someone. Another thing I do is clap loudly - I think this is a natural behaviour for me, rather than something I consciously think about, but again it's a way to get that panic and frustration out without doing damage. Possibly, your husband needs a way to release the meltdown and clapping or having some kind of object that he can safely hit without upsetting you may help him?

Meltdowns can be controlled. I have never had one in public, for instance. When it all gets too much, I seem to meltdown in the safety of home. I am also lucky, however, that mine are minor and I can quite quickly pull myself out of them. Shutdowns are a different matter and leave me damaged for hours, usually a full day, but are also more 'acceptable' to others because they aren't as visible. I don't control which of the two happens - it usually depends on the type of stimulus - but both exist. Typically, shutdowns are caused by being overwhelmed by my environment and my meltdowns are as a result of change. Again, this helps to control them - I take time outside each room to prepare myself for the reality that something may have changed when I go in - my daughter may have broken something - and I just have to deal with it. My meltdowns are rare, and I am able to stop myself quickly with a clap, for instance, and then I can take stock and apologise for my behaviour and we get back to normal. It is so hard to pull yourself from that quickly, but needs to be controlled if you have the potential to upset other people.

Which brings me to my other point. You say that he hadn't had a meltdown in six months. That's fantastic and does take immense control. Just remember, for his sake, that this doesn't mean it's all fixed. Controlling our automatic response to that (often ridiculously unreasonable) sense of panic takes a whole lot of effort, and just because we aren't showing it on the surface doesn't mean that it's not swirling around in our head. Don't expect perfection. Every now and again we're going to slip up and be unable to control it - and that knowledge is harder for me than anyone because I never want to upset the family that I love so much, but I have to find ways to accept and forgive myself for occasionally snapping. Nobody can hold all of that in indefinitely, so we have to find non-destructive ways to release it, which is what I try to do by forcing myself to do the clapping rather than hitting a door, though much of it is still instinctive.

For me, I find that the best thing for someone to do to help me is not to try and reason with me and ask me to see their perspective, because in that moment I just can't. I KNOW how ridiculous I'm being - I'm all too aware that I shouldn't be getting so disproportionately upset because someone accidentally dropped a glass or we've had to cancel a plan last-minute - but it's not something that I can convince my mind about. For someone to tell me patronising things that I already know, even if I don't seem like I know them, doesn't help. "It's just a glass, we can buy another" makes things a million times harder because I know it's just a glass but my brain is telling me it's a disaster. I am best given space to get everything under control and start to find the right perspective, and then it helps me personally to have someone come in and talk things through. Again, no patronising comments, just telling me that things are going to be alright and perhaps coming up with a solution.

You should not have to be scared of your partner or worried that he's going to hurt you. He absolutely NEEDS to get that under control because it is not acceptable. If I ever harmed anyone physically, or even said something that could hurt them and was directed at them, I would be gone. I have never even been tempted to, luckily, but I can say with certainty that it simply isn't me and I would never allow that. I think it's great that you're here trying to find solutions, and I'm sure that you can continue to make this work as it sounds like you're both trying hard for it.

Just make sure you're giving him some slack. Remember just how hard these things are for someone with autism, and how when you feel like you're going through a 'good patch' when things seem to be successful and fixed, that likely simply means that there is more being internalised.

 

[Lillian2]

Hi Lillian2 Welcome to Central

I'm diagnosed ASD & have been seeing my - also somewhat Spectrumite - guy for two years this November. A lot of the issues you mention are common to us too. I have issues sharing my (home) space for over-long periods of time & unfair domestic task delegation is something we argued over a lot too but like with you, there has been progress & I'm committed to staying with the relationship as I believe he is too. Loyalty can be an enhanced trait among we who feel things hyper-acutely.

I learned I have to try to incorporate others into my life sometimes because it's a good thing to do sometimes; I live isolated solitary in-between times & he has learned that he has to take some responsibility for the mess & clutter that gets generated between us & also get involved in the daily stuff that needs attention. He also sees how happy his helping out makes me feel & I understand how my own meltdowns or intolerance can affect him too, so I think we both try to make allowances.

That's on a good day lol

If things get bad between us, or tiring, we don't meet up for a few weeks & by the time we do again, we're glad to see each other. I think there may be as many problems for couples who are both Spectrumite as there may be for couples where only one of the pair are. Best of luck with things.

Thanks so much for your reply - I'm so glad to hear you have had progress.

I know what you mean about loyalty - my partner is loyal to a fault (which I love of course, because I am the same).

I can't tell you how great it is to hear that others have the same problem - not because you have a problem, because I wish none of us had issues like this, but we do and it's good to have others to talk to about it.

 

[Lillian2]

I'm the autistic partner in an AS-NT relationship, and just wanted to add a few points.

One has already been covered, somewhat. You get better responses when you leave him to have his meltdown on his own, so this is definitely something to try to do.

Honestly, when I'm going through a meltdown I often don't know what I want, but I do try to get myself away from people if I can because I worry that I could snap at them. Violence is absolutely wrong and so your husband needs to control that, but that sense of panic and frustration can be very difficult to deal with. Occasionally, I will hit a door if it's particularly bad, but it is rare that it reaches that point and that's an action as a last resort. I would absolutely never harm anyone else during a meltdown, but I do worry that my raised voice and what looks like anger on the surface could upset someone. Another thing I do is clap loudly - I think this is a natural behaviour for me, rather than something I consciously think about, but again it's a way to get that panic and frustration out without doing damage. Possibly, your husband needs a way to release the meltdown and clapping or having some kind of object that he can safely hit without upsetting you may help him?

Meltdowns can be controlled. I have never had one in public, for instance. When it all gets too much, I seem to meltdown in the safety of home. I am also lucky, however, that mine are minor and I can quite quickly pull myself out of them. Shutdowns are a different matter and leave me damaged for hours, usually a full day, but are also more 'acceptable' to others because they aren't as visible. I don't control which of the two happens - it usually depends on the type of stimulus - but both exist. Typically, shutdowns are caused by being overwhelmed by my environment and my meltdowns are as a result of change. Again, this helps to control them - I take time outside each room to prepare myself for the reality that something may have changed when I go in - my daughter may have broken something - and I just have to deal with it. My meltdowns are rare, and I am able to stop myself quickly with a clap, for instance, and then I can take stock and apologise for my behaviour and we get back to normal. It is so hard to pull yourself from that quickly, but needs to be controlled if you have the potential to upset other people.

Which brings me to my other point. You say that he hadn't had a meltdown in six months. That's fantastic and does take immense control. Just remember, for his sake, that this doesn't mean it's all fixed. Controlling our automatic response to that (often ridiculously unreasonable) sense of panic takes a whole lot of effort, and just because we aren't showing it on the surface doesn't mean that it's now swirling around in our head. Don't expect perfection. Every now and again we're going to slip up and be unable to control it - and that knowledge is harder for me than anyone because I never want to upset the family that I love so much, but I have to find ways to accept and forgive myself for occasionally snapping. Nobody can hold all of that in indefinitely, so we have to find non-destructive ways to release it, which is what I try to do by forcing myself to do the clapping rather than hitting a door, though much of it is still instinctive.

For me, I find that the best thing for someone to do to help me is not to try and reason with me and ask me to see their perspective, because in that moment I just can't. I KNOW how ridiculous I'm being - I'm all too aware that I shouldn't be getting so disproportionately upset because someone accidentally dropped a glass or we've had to cancel a plan last-minute - but it's not something that I can convince my mind about. For someone to tell me patronising things that I already know, even if I don't seem like I know them, doesn't help. "It's just a glass, we can buy another" makes things a million times harder because I know it's just a glass but my brain is telling me it's a disaster. I am best given space to get everything under control and start to find the right perspective, and then it helps me personally to have someone come in and talk things through. Again, no patronising comments, just telling me that things are going to be alright and perhaps coming up with a solution.

You should not have to be scared of your partner or worried that he's going to hurt you. He absolutely NEEDS to get that under control because it is not acceptable. If I ever harmed anyone physically, or even said something that could hurt them and was directed at them, I would be gone. I have never even been tempted to, luckily, but I can say with certainty that it simply isn't me and I would never allow that. I think it's great that you're here trying to find solutions, and I'm sure that you can continue to make this work as it sounds like you're both trying hard for it.

Just make sure you're giving him some slack. Remember just how hard these things are for someone with autism, and how when you feel like you're going through a 'good patch' when things seem to be successful and fixed, that likely simply means that there is more being internalised.

Thank you so much for this reply Tunie , this has really helped. It is the violence issue that I'm worried about, but I know he has worked so hard to stop any meltdowns at all, and your point about things being internalised is a very good one - and probably why he lashed out more this time. I don't like being pushed, and I don't like things being broken, but I do think from your post and from Judge's above that I made a mistake to go and try to reason with him in this state. I feel like I don't want to give up on him, but I also don't want the possibility that this will happen again. Naturally, he is absolutely horrified and has described similar emotions to what you have said - panic completely, and my talking to him made him feel like he was trapped, he said, and he had to get out no matter what. I am starting to think I will give him another chance, but I am a bit scared - not that he will hurt me, because if I see a meltdown coming I am getting outta there immediately next time (and I believe that he is horrified enough to never do it again). If it was worse, and not just a push, I would be out of there in a second. I think clapping is a great idea also!

This post has really helped, thanks so much for taking the time to give so much detail. I showed this to my partner also, and he agreed with every part of it. I think this is great because even though I can communicate everything I'm thinking if I want to, he finds it more difficult (although he does like to talk, but only when he's not in meltdown mode!) so it's good to read this.

I'm glad to see also that you weren't offended by what I wrote - I was a little worried after Suzanne's post above that I had worded everything in a very one-sided way.

 

[Tunie]

Naturally, he is absolutely horrified and has described similar emotions to what you have said - panic completely, and my talking to him made him feel like he was trapped, he said, and he had to get out no matter what.

This post has really helped, thanks so much for taking the time to give so much detail. I showed this to my partner also, and he agreed with every part of it. I think this is great because even though I can communicate everything I'm thinking if I want to, he finds it more difficult (although he does like to talk, but only when he's not in meltdown mode!) so it's good to read this.

I'm glad to see also that you weren't offended by what I wrote - I was a little worried after Suzanne's post above that I had worded everything in a very one-sided way.

Trimmed your post down for my response. That first paragraph is exactly it - feeling trapped. I think it's the animal fight or flight response. Imagine yourself as a mouse, with a hand coming to grab you, and you're stuck in the corner of the cage. You need the hand to leave you alone because you're panicking, but it's still there. The mouse would probably bite, if it had the strength to. With higher functioning, we have to find a way to turn that bite into something else, but talking isn't an option at that point because we've lost control.

And the communication aspect is also too true. My husband (sorry, I read back and realised I caused your partner your husband during my first message - hope I didn't offend) has very little insight into the working of my mind, because I can't communicate anywhere near this well in person. If only it were practical to constantly hand our partners essays...

 

[Lillian2]

Trimmed your post down for my response. That first paragraph is exactly it - feeling trapped. I think it's the animal fight or flight response. Imagine yourself as a mouse, with a hand coming to grab you, and you're stuck in the corner of the cage. You need the hand to leave you alone because you're panicking, but it's still there. The mouse would probably bite, if it had the strength to. With higher functioning, we have to find a way to turn that bite into something else, but talking isn't an option at that point because we've lost control.

And the communication aspect is also too true. My husband (sorry, I read back and realised I caused your partner your husband during my first message - hope I didn't offend) has very little insight into the working of my mind, because I can't communicate anywhere near this well in person. If only it were practical to constantly hand our partners essays...

You didn't offend me at all - he is basically my husband, but we are just both not interested in marriage. We know we want to be together forever though ideally (if this doesn't get too much!!).

I think we work a little better together most of the time because I also love isolation, I love being by myself, and my work is very involved so I can spend days on it without wanting interruptions. Not everyone is like that, and perhaps for someone more social that it may be harder to be with someone who is AS.

I just need to remember that when he is in meltdown mode, I need to leave! I have been raised into a culture that is very much into talking things out, and I teach so I'm really used to explaining things, but I have to ignore this all when he is feeling a little under pressure! Thank you again.

 

[Lillian2]

Welcome!!! Our doors are open to everyone. There are a number of NT's here seeking insight on the Aspie mind, etc and how to understand how we think and operate. So, browse around, pick a few brains, and make some new friends along the way.

Thank you!!

 

[Tom]

Hi & Welcome

Think your doing great with the changing negative behaviors. Nothing works like firm natural consequences. You are not going to put up with being vented on, pushed around. Don't waver, and have him know without doubt you'll give him up if he doesn't give up immaturity & abusive behavior.

On meltdowns/shutdowns. That these happen is mostly caused by the condition and the environment, and not his fault (unless he's exaggerating or faking them as manipulation). Its how he chooses to handle them that matters. I'm With Judge in thinking its best dealt with mostly alone, by the one experiencing it. I limit communication with wife to very basic interactions. Nothing emotional or important. My brain is compromised anyway at these times. I'm usually out of it in 1 day, sometimes it lasts 2-3. My wife keeps her distance but is supportive if I express need for something. She just understands and doesn't press me at these times.

 

[Lillian2]

Hi & Welcome

Think your doing great with the changing negative behaviors. Nothing works like firm natural consequences. You are not going to put up with being vented on, pushed around. Don't waver, and have him know without doubt you'll give him up if he doesn't give up immaturity & abusive behavior.

On meltdowns/shutdowns. That these happen is mostly caused by the condition and the environment, and not his fault (unless he's exaggerating or faking them as manipulation). Its how he chooses to handle them that matters. I'm With Judge in thinking its best dealt with mostly alone, by the one experiencing it. I limit communication with wife to very basic interactions. Nothing emotional or important. My brain is compromised anyway at these times. I'm usually out of it in 1 day, sometimes it lasts 2-3. My wife keeps her distance but is supportive if I express need for something. She just understands and doesn't press me at these times.

Thank you Tom - I agree being firm is the best thing. When he is not in meltdown mode, he is very reasonable and I have told him very firmly that he needs to remove himself if he feels it coming on (and of course I also have to remove myself). We have come up with a rule - if he goes into his room mid-argument or mid-conversation and close the door, it's not personal and I will leave him alone till he comes out.

Your wife sounds very supportive!