I'm new. Need help with a book/video recommendation

[Steve Nathan]

Hello,
I'm a 70 year old man with 3 adult kids. At 60, my youngest daughter (who has a Masters in Clinical Psychology) "diagnosed" me as Aspergers (or mild Spectrum). A few online tests and several books later, I realized why I've felt different from everyone else my whole life. Now looking back at my Dad, it's so obvious.

So, my 2 daughters are very understanding and we have strong relationships. My son and I have never had much more than a surface relationship though, cordial but not close. His Mom and I split when he was very young. He grew up with his Mom in Ny and I lived in Alabama. I got a month each Summer and a week in the Spring, but it was not enough to overcome the resentment he felt growing up.

Now he's 45 and having kids of his own, and he suddenly expects a lot more from me. He seems unable or unwilling to consider anything outside of an NT perspective, and I'd like to try to find him a book, video or website that might help him understand his Dad a little better. He does not like to read, but I'd like to try and broaden his perspective, even if just a little. I scrolled through a few pages of the book recommendations here, but nothing sounded like it might resonate. I'm joking now, but something like "My Dad has Aspergers for Dummies" would be great

 

[Aspychata]

My mom refuses to aknowledge that l have this. I think it runs on her side, which means she defintely won't aknowledge it. My stepfather had a father who was a loner and lived remotely. So l suspect my step-brother may also have a autism PO box address. Lol

 

[Au Naturel]

Uh... You're 70. He's 45 and expects more from you?

This is backward. (Spoken as a 65 yo. male with two adult children.)

 

[Suzette]

There are quite a few YouTube videos that might be helpful.

But, speaking from the perspective of being a daughter with a difficult mother (she is 74), you may simply have to accept that your son does not understand. He might not be even willing to try.

So what you have left is to learn to set boundaries so that your son can not encroach upon your needs.

It is completely fair to say "No, I can not do that". Be sympathetic. Offer sincere appologies if you can. But then accept that he may feel hurt or angry about refusals but it is not your job to just give in to make him happy.

 

[MyLifeAsAnAspie]

If you don't mind me asking, what is he expecting from you?

 

[Steve Nathan]

If you don't mind me asking, what is he expecting from you?

The big one is that he wants me to travel the 800 miles to his house to see the grandkids more, when I'm wishing he would bring them here. As they say, I'm "elderly with an underlying condition". He has the kind of job he can do anywhere, from a laptop and a cell phone but he wants me to come to him. I've always been uncomfortable with travel, public "facilities" staying places that may or may not be clean, where I lose control of my routines and surroundings. We used to go up there once a year, but since Covid, we haven't been at all.

 

[Au Naturel]

The big one is that he wants me to travel the 800 miles to his house to see the grandkids more, when I'm wishing he would bring them here. As they say, I'm "elderly with an underlying condition". He has the kind of job he can do anywhere, from a laptop and a cell phone but he wants me to come to him. I've always been uncomfortable with travel, public "facilities" staying places that may or may not be clean, where I lose control of my routines and surroundings. We used to go up there once a year, but since Covid, we haven't been at all.

The question is entirely how much you want to visit the grandkids. Playing with the grandkids is important for them and you.

Do not make this into a struggle for control. As a recent grandfather myself, I would do anything to be near her and feed her and listen to her giggle and coo. There is no right or wrong nor winner or loser. There is only playing with your grandchildren. Do it or don't do it and own the decision. Maybe he is just as uncomfortable with travel as you are - but unwilling to admit it.

There should be a mommy somewhere in all this. Maybe she could bring the kids and leave him at home.

 

[VictorR]

The big one is that he wants me to travel the 800 miles to his house to see the grandkids more, when I'm wishing he would bring them here. As they say, I'm "elderly with an underlying condition". He has the kind of job he can do anywhere, from a laptop and a cell phone but he wants me to come to him. I've always been uncomfortable with travel, public "facilities" staying places that may or may not be clean, where I lose control of my routines and surroundings. We used to go up there once a year, but since Covid, we haven't been at all.

I've seen a number of situations where the grandparents de facto serve as relief babysitters to give the parents regular kid-free time, but of course that's contingent on both sides willingly and happily going into such an arrangement, and usually at much shorter distances (e.g. 100 miles or less).

There's definitely no obligation on you to go out of your way on a regular basis, especially if they're unwilling to do the same.

My questions:
1) What about the other grandparents?
2) Have you had the chance to discuss where the idea is coming from? Sometimes people get the erroneous idea that just because someone is retired means they have all the time in the world to do favors for others - which can be the case for some, but of course everyone is different.

 

[smilie]

hello steve nathan
there are some books you can get by tony attwood and also some a book called aspergirl by rudy simone i would highly recommend them as books i hope that helps you