ConfusedAdult
New Member
Ok so let's give this a shot. If you manage to see this post that means it saved and didn't blow up before I finished it. First off I have no clue if I am HFA however it feels right so I am coming here for discussions before I see doctors. Little about me. Well a lot about me. I am 35. Male. Disabled Vet with PTSD. I had PTSD before I even joined. I had a dad who was mentally abusive and I am fairly sure I was sexually assaulted when I was a kid as well. I have depression, anxiety, insomnia, fibromyalgia, bi-polar, sever chronic migraines and for 25+ years of my life the thought of suicide was an old friend.
I have always done better with structure and routine however setting it up on my own is hard. I have been lucky and never had to live on my own. For as long as I can remember the only thing I understood in life was cats. I grew up around them. I am also sorry about how much this post is going to jump around. My mind is racing and meditation only helps so much right now. My disabilities got so bad that at one point I was in bed for about 20 hours a day.
I used to play video games but I lost interest in them and got burnt out. That happens a lot with me. Video games held my attention longer than anything else but that's just because the way they evolve.
I have been married twice and only dated 2 people... Yep I married both people I dated. The first one we couldn't make it 3 days with out fighting. My second one is the most patient person I know even though she says I am the most stubborn person she knows. I have always said I need a translator for the world. So people can understand what I mean.
A year ago (in 2 days) we moved into our new house that we are currently at. I did most of the move myself. I pushed myself so hard I collapsed multiple times moving everything. I have always been the type to push myself hard. I push myself until I mentally or physically can't anymore. When we moved in here I was on bad shape. I changed everything. My diet went from SAD to a healthy one. Mostly organic all homemade food. Lucky for me my wife is a chef. I like the taste of some food however I have always viewed eating as a bother. Same with emotions. I would have them at times but I didn't understand them fully. I had a deeper connection with cats than anything or anyone else.
I was always called smart when growing up. Certain things I learned way before anyone else in my class. Other things I would get yelled at because all the questions I asked. I have always "asked too many questions" drive my wife nuts. Mostly because I read her facial expressions way wrong. Math came easy. Writing and people not so much. Focus has become easier since I have started eating healthy and trying to get a routine down again. I talk a lot but never anything deep only super shallow things.
I have learned how to read people fairly easily at least for first impressions. That is something I learned in the military. I had to for survival or at least that's the way it felt. I know a lot is missing from this post and I jumped around lot so sorry about that. The more discussion I have the better.
In May I had what I could call Enlightenment. It was like a switch finally got switched in my head. Since then I have completely changed and healed myself to an extent. I have been learning what emotions are. The closest thing I could compare it with is that after 34 years of gathering information I unlocked control of my emotions that day. When I was younger I would of considered myself an empath. I felt the feelings of others I was around however it was a feeling I didn't understand at all. I shut that off when I joined the military.
I have never been able to vocalize what I am feeling until now. Yesterday I was reading a few posts from people with HFA and it just kind of clicked and felt right. Again who knows if it is. That's what I am trying to figure out. Um thanks!
I have always done better with structure and routine however setting it up on my own is hard. I have been lucky and never had to live on my own. For as long as I can remember the only thing I understood in life was cats. I grew up around them. I am also sorry about how much this post is going to jump around. My mind is racing and meditation only helps so much right now. My disabilities got so bad that at one point I was in bed for about 20 hours a day.
I used to play video games but I lost interest in them and got burnt out. That happens a lot with me. Video games held my attention longer than anything else but that's just because the way they evolve.
I have been married twice and only dated 2 people... Yep I married both people I dated. The first one we couldn't make it 3 days with out fighting. My second one is the most patient person I know even though she says I am the most stubborn person she knows. I have always said I need a translator for the world. So people can understand what I mean.
A year ago (in 2 days) we moved into our new house that we are currently at. I did most of the move myself. I pushed myself so hard I collapsed multiple times moving everything. I have always been the type to push myself hard. I push myself until I mentally or physically can't anymore. When we moved in here I was on bad shape. I changed everything. My diet went from SAD to a healthy one. Mostly organic all homemade food. Lucky for me my wife is a chef. I like the taste of some food however I have always viewed eating as a bother. Same with emotions. I would have them at times but I didn't understand them fully. I had a deeper connection with cats than anything or anyone else.
I was always called smart when growing up. Certain things I learned way before anyone else in my class. Other things I would get yelled at because all the questions I asked. I have always "asked too many questions" drive my wife nuts. Mostly because I read her facial expressions way wrong. Math came easy. Writing and people not so much. Focus has become easier since I have started eating healthy and trying to get a routine down again. I talk a lot but never anything deep only super shallow things.
I have learned how to read people fairly easily at least for first impressions. That is something I learned in the military. I had to for survival or at least that's the way it felt. I know a lot is missing from this post and I jumped around lot so sorry about that. The more discussion I have the better.
In May I had what I could call Enlightenment. It was like a switch finally got switched in my head. Since then I have completely changed and healed myself to an extent. I have been learning what emotions are. The closest thing I could compare it with is that after 34 years of gathering information I unlocked control of my emotions that day. When I was younger I would of considered myself an empath. I felt the feelings of others I was around however it was a feeling I didn't understand at all. I shut that off when I joined the military.
I have never been able to vocalize what I am feeling until now. Yesterday I was reading a few posts from people with HFA and it just kind of clicked and felt right. Again who knows if it is. That's what I am trying to figure out. Um thanks!
