I'm NT and hope you can help me understand this wonderful guy I dated

[ntloveandpain]

Hi, I am a neurotypical in my mid-20's and I hope you might want to help me understand this guy. He told me he was diagnosed with Asperger when he started to act in a - for me - not so understandable manner.

He's a soldier in his mid-30's stationed 650km away from the city I'm living in. But he does visit my city every once in a while. We met twice before he had to go back to his city again, but we stayed in contact and he wrote romantic things. Two months later we met again and he was all lovey dovey: he told me, that I was something special to him and I didn't knew how long he had waited to kiss me again.

Well, but then he acted strangely:

• I got 5 minutes too early to a date he cancelled 15 minutes later over WhatsApp (he was very unorganized and you couldn't trust him to come to a date ha had planned); he, out of the blue, claimed that I was early to the date to make him feel bad;
• he claimed I would vote The Green Party - randomly as well. A party I have never voted for in my life. He was a right-winger btw;
  
• he invited me to the beach - but later told me to not to meet him there again, because soldier colleagues had seen him walking with me (it's the 21st century, two guys walking on a beach isn't weird in my opinion);
• he phoned me once he went out of a bar, because people smoked there, and claimed it was like being in a concentration camp;
• he planned a date to the public sauna because he wanted to look at guys half his age running around naked (creepy);
• while I gave him oral, he decided to go on Grindr. And I mean that literally. We got in the car, he leaned over to me, kissed me for minutes, took my hand, we drove to me and when we started making out, he just got his smartphone, writing with a dude on a dating app;
• he was online on three dating apps simultaneously while claiming he just wanted to see me;
  
• he lied to me constantly and when I told him I did knew that it wasn't true, he just got angry at me for knowing the truth;
• he wrote a guy, he knew was a friend of mine and that I visited the one weekend and did send him nudes of himself; beforehand he told me to only do something with him the weekend because he else wouldn't do anything;
• he planned a lot of things, like going on a long stroll, but he just cancelled it randomly the day before;
• when I once got angry over it, he just said I would think he was an arse and I didn't have empathy for his Asperger's. He really got mad at me;
• he then drove without saying goodbye. Sometimes he writes nice things to me, sometimes he is angry;

I am just very confused. I really loved this guy, so I am heartbroken as well. It was like he charmed me at the very first moment, just to use me as he pleased when I was hooked. He told me, that he had three partners and all of them got a depression after they were together with him. I don't have a depression, but it is close to becoming one.

PS! After some of the escapades, I did ask him if he wanted to see me or just didn't knew how to say that he wasn't interested. And that it was okay for me, if he wasn't, he just should tell me and I would let him alone. He told me, that he didn't get how I got that idea and he of course wanted to see me and I was important to him. Yeah, I am 100% confused and heartbroken.

PPS! A lot of the time it was horrible. But when we met, most of the time it was quite nice. He touched me, flirted with me and everything was very nice.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I would like you to tell me, what I did wrong, and how I can get him back and how we can make things work

Seriously?

No-one can say that.

1. It wouldn't be right.
2. It won't work.

The issue seems to be more why you are putting so much effort and thought into someone clearly unsuitable for you.

Self worth is where your future lies.

(Don't mean to sound harsh)

 

[Nervous Rex]

First, in any relationship (family, couples, work ... anything), whoever cares the least has the most power. From the behavior you describe, it's clear that you care much more about his approval than he does about yours. Based on that alone, I would advise you to look for someone who reciprocates your feelings, who cares just as much about you as you do about him.

Second, Aspergers/Autism is not a personality. We can't say what he will like to eat, talk about, or do. We don't know what will please him or change his behavior. A person can be Autistic/Aspergers and be kind, rude, mature, childish, or anything else in the gamut of human experience.

Last, I invite you to answer this question for yourself: Would you put up with the behavior you described if he wasn't Aspergers? If the answer is no, it doesn't matter whether he has Aspergers or not.

 

[Major Tom]

Doesn't sound so wonderful to me. Most of what you described were huge red flags to me. Find someone that will treat you right.

 

[Thinx]

It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong, except maybe continuing seeing him after some of his outrageous behaviour. I'm sure you already know that someone being attractive does not mean they are serious about you or a good prospect for a serious relationship.

If you are prepared to put up with this kind of behaviour, the best next move would be to go to therapy and work on yourself. You won't get a happy relationship until you change your own level of self esteem. His behaviour is nothing to do with Aspergers as far as I can see, plenty of people with Aspergers are in happy relationships, where they care about and value their partner.

 

[Giraffes]

Hi i agree with all of the replies- with knowing your self worth and not accepting people any people in your life that treat you this unreasonably, it's so not your job to make him nicer,more considerate or understanding, find someone better as you and all of us deserve it.

 

[Bolletje]

I agree with the others that Aspergers is not the problem here. The guy isn’t treating you right and is using Aspergers as an excuse.

 

[Aneka]

whoever cares the least has the most power.

Wow, I should take this quote to heart
To the one who posted the thread: With or without asperger, this guy is no good...

 

[Tom]

He told me, that he had three partners and all of them got a depression after they were together with him.

Do you think that might be a red flag?

Anyway he sounds very narcissitic which is something seperate from autism, so I have no experience with handling it.

 

[Pats]

You want him back??? And, please, don't take aspergers as his excuse - aspergers don't make you act this way.

 

[ntloveandpain]

To the one who posted the thread: With or without asperger, this guy is no good...

But he is able to have friends and he had three relationships (5 years, 3 months and 7 months). And he was able to have sex with 50 guys in total when we met. So maybe I am the guy there is something wrong with? I only had two relationships (10 years and 3 months).

 

[Aneka]

But he is able to have friends and he had three relationships (5 years, 3 months and 7 months). And he was able to have sex with 50 guys in total when we met. So maybe I am the guy there is something wrong with? I only had two relationships (10 years and 3 months).

Tell me how does the number of relationships show the value of a guy?
It's not about quantity, it's about quality. I don't want anything to do with guys who are unable to be faithful to me in a relationship. You only know about his past from his words and his actions in the present speak for themselves.

 

[Schism]

I'm Asperger's and I hope you can help ME understand this "wonderful guy you dated" too...because that's not who you're talking about here!

You are being taken for a fool. I would go out of my way to say this person has no interest in you whatsoever & has made it blatantly obvious countless times. You are nothing more than a last measure, if that. Scrap yourself off the doormat, walk away, find some self - respect and move on.

(Would also advise looking into what generic Asperger traits are, so you can identify in future what clearly isn't!)

 

[ntloveandpain]

I'm Asperger's and I hope you can help ME understand this "wonderful guy you dated" too...because that's not who you're talking about here!

Well, I wrote what did hurt me. But we had nice times as well. At the beginning, he was very, very charming. As soon as I was hooked, he started to mistreat me. He always used my feelings against me. He made me do things I didn't wanted. And when I felt mistreated and wanted to stop seeing him, he started to make me feel guilty and that I was the fool. He made me feel loved by him.

You are being taken for a fool. I would go out of my way to say this person has no interest in you whatsoever & has made it blatantly obvious countless times. You are nothing more than a last measure, if that. Scrap yourself off the doormat, walk away, find some self - respect and move on.

I thought that as well. But every time I asked him if he didn't want to see me, he told me, that I was important to him. That he wanted to see me. He even once joked about me thinking that he didn't want to see me, like I was totally crazy.

(Would also advise looking into what generic Asperger traits are, so you can identify in future what clearly isn't!)

I actually did that. I read three books on the topic. And I watched a lot of YouTube videos on the topic. I couldn't identify Asperger's in him. So I decided to ask here.

Thank you all for your good advice and nice comments. I think you are right. But it still hurts. Not your comments hurt, they make me feel understood. The guy make me feel hurt deeply inside.

 

[rachel_ruien]

I'm so sorry you were hurt; it sounds like this guy really toyed with your feelings. Like others have said, people with AS can have positive and negative personality traits just like anyone. I'm a girl with AS in a relationship with an NT guy, and I think I might be able to help you understand your situation a little better.

Many high-functioning people with AS are good at masking their symptoms. I can't speak for everyone, but I've always observed how people interact in different situations and tried to mimic it. When this guy was interested in you, he probably wanted to put his best foot forward and say all the things you're supposed to say when you like someone. I'm not saying he was trying to trick you; he might have just been following a "script." When you got closer, the mask fell away and you started to see some of the disorganization, socially inappropriate behavior, and communication difficulties that many of us struggle with. It was nothing that you did.

Regardless of how he feels about you now, the way that he treated you was unacceptable. The keys to success for an NT-AS relationship are the same as any: communication, understanding, and making an effort to prioritize your partner's needs. The challenges may be different, but the foundations are the same. Aspergers or not, this guy wasn't willing to do that and you deserve better <3

 

[Neivamyrmex]

You are being gaslighted. If you don't know what that means, it is a form of brainwashing commonly used by abusers. This is not someone with Asperger's. You are most likely dealing with someone with either narcissistic or anti-social personality disorder. These people lie as readily as they breathe, and they can be exceedingly dangerous. I strongly suspect that he only told you he has Asperger's to gain your sympathy and manipulate you into accepting his effed up behavior. All of the mixed signals he is sending are a ploy to throw you off balance and get you to doubt your judgement. I'm sure he was very sweet to you, they often are, but that's just how they draw you in. I believe that stage of the process is called love bombing, or something like. That sweet person isn't real. You need to get away from him now before it is too late. Unfortunately, I have a great deal of experience dealing with this sort of thing, so please trust me. No one is worth the kind of damage that this guy could do to your life.

 

[AnnadinNoliman]

Hey I'm really sorry this has happened. I know what it's like to really like someone that's just awful to you and it's not an easy thing to get over and be something that really stays with you. I dated someone for about four years that was ceaselessly mean to me and we broke up five years ago and I only in the past year feel like I've really healed over from it.
But here's the thing is the past five years were still great for me. I made friends and went places and lived my life with the pain until one day I realized it wasn't there anymore. You can keep living your life fully with this pain, you don't need to rush through it. It might take a month, six months, six years to fully get over and that's not fair to you but you will get there. Pain like this can stay with you for a while but you're stronger than it.

As for the aspergers thing I mean he very well could have had it but if someone's being a terrible person this is not one of those things you can blame it on. We still have to treat people with respect and we still have to take people's needs into account ESPECIALLY when we get into relationships with them. Everyone else in this thread is saying good things so I won't belabor the point but you are amazing and you are going to feel so much better without him in your life I really promise.

 

[WildCat]

Asperger's has zilch to do with his personality, and that's assuming he even has it. Perhaps that's a lie too? Unfortunately, nobody here can read minds. Overall, this guy seems like he's not worth the time or effort from the description you gave.

Your choice whether or not to further invest yourself in this, but I'd strongly suggest you move on, forget about what you supposedly did wrong and find someone better to spend time with.

 

[Daniel]

I'd say the odds of him changing for you are pretty slim. I know that's the fantasy ending of romance novels, that the attractive bad boy will turn into a good man for you, but if it hasn't happened yet, I wouldn't wait around for it.

Now, I once knew a guy who started dating a really good girl (a co-worker) and he totally turned his life around and got his act together. When he was with her, he wanted to be a better version of himself, more responsible and mature. Really grew him up.

But your account suggests that this isn't one of those cases. If anything, the only way it would work out is if you left him, and him missing you made him realize he needed to be a better person in order to be with someone like you, who has, you know, standards. But there's only one way to find out if that will happen. As long as you keep going back when he treats you like this, you're basically rewarding the bad behavior and reinforcing it.

 

[Schism]

Some great answers detailing problems those on the ASD spectrum may have with relationships. Taking all that into consideration I have to conclude, IMHO, that:

Personally I think OP has narrowly avoided a psychopath (1/100 Americans are reportedly psychopathic, neither are all serial killers or all criminals).

ASD has been used as a covering excuse? Or perhaps misdiagnosed? Irrelevant anyway. On the surface, there may appear to be some crossovers between the two.

The big differences imo for a psychopathic disorder is the evident 'able social' aspect, sexual promiscuity & lack of compassion, /sensitivity/empathy. From what I have read on these forums, this is not the case with most of us.

The person the OP describes fits this profile, not someone on the ASD spectrum:

The List of Psychopathy Symptoms: Hervey Cleckley and Robert Hare