I'm okay (ish) with eye contact?.....

[Coupe]

TW for forced eye contact, coercive/nonconsensual therapy, forced compliance, invasion of personal space, ableism
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When I was about 12 years old, I was sent to "speech therapy" - which turned out to be more of a subtly coercive and profoundly irritating "social skills" class where the therapist would try to force me to develop genuine interest in what struck me as the most mundane and trivial of topics....the weather and chewing gum (yes you read that last one right) for a couple of examples.

Anyway, one of the first things the therapist wanted to train me to do was make consistent eye contact, since this was something I didn't already do because of emerging social anxiety. She extolled the supposed virtue of consistent, unbroken eye contact so much that I began to think that maybe if I could only force myself to be good at making eye contact, she'd discharge me from her practice (either that or I'd get discharged a lot faster) and I'd no longer have to waste my time there.

So, she and I worked on eye contact for our next two or three sessions. When I was able to force myself to look right at her when she spoke to me (no matter how painful and invasive it felt), she praised me to the skies and told me that she loved how "cooperative" I was. After she declared me proficient at making eye contact, I waited for her to announce that she was going to meet with my mother to inform her of how well I was doing and that there was no need for any more appointments...only to find out that she was only getting started in "therapy-ing" me. However, for the sake of making my point, I won't delve into the rest of it now......

So now, as an adult, I still make eye contact with people when engaged in conversation. It's still something that does not come naturally to me and that I have to remind myself to do, but I have found that I can manage it with....not a whole lot of discomfort. My big conundrum is, was eye contact always something I could do without much of a problem (even if I had to be prompted to do it), or is it one of those things I had force myself to do, regardless of pain or discomfort, for the sake of trying to pass as NT back in the days when I felt that my personhood and even my life was at stake if I didn't or wasn't able to (I wish that was an exaggeration)....and I've just managed to push myself through the pain and "unnatural-ness" of it?

....I just don't know.

.....I guess my biggest problem with eye contact is not necessarily that it hurts, but just....the unfairness of it. When a neurotypical person's eyes bore into my own, it feels to me as if they're ravenously taking something they have not earned; something I did not consent to them taking. What that "something" is, I'm not sure....tiny pieces of my soul, perhaps. Tiny pieces, but pieces that add up over the course of a lifetime, nonetheless.

 

[Ragnahawk]

I think it's that your natural inclination is to do the right thing and faking it to make it undermines that.

 

[Oda]

I don't have too much of a problem with eye-contact. At some point I read that you should hold eye-contact when talking to people, so I made sure I'd always be doing it. I honestly don't remember if I did hold eye-contact before that, it was never something I'd thought of before.

I have been told that sometimes I look creepy when I listen to people, because I stare too intensely and (apparently my smile is creepy). I can very much empathize with the staring part though. I also think it is very uncomfortable when people look into my eyes for too long, it makes me feel like they want something from me, but I don't know what it is they want.

 

[Ragnahawk]

So much conformity. It is discouraging to know that these people who think they need to run autistic lives for them are continually gaining extra leverage on the populace... It is a simple domino effect, knock one over to get to the next domino. They still do not officially recognize our unique ability for focusing and pattern solving.

 

[Chance]

the unfairness of it. When a neurotypical person's eyes bore into my own, it feels to me as if they're ravenously taking something they have not earned; something I did not consent to them taking. What that "something" is, I'm not sure....tiny pieces of my soul, perhaps.

Thank you!!! There is someone on this planet who gets this creeped out feeling from doing this...

I'm glad you overcame it. I got so many beatings, and got screamed at for "refusing" to look people in the eye. My moms favorite thing was to grab my chin and squeeze it like she was going to break my jaw bone and scream at me to look at here when she speaks to me... All that made me do was get more distant, until I didn't even see her as a person, more like a monster.

I still cant just naturally look up, and look them in the eye for very long at all... I do try really hard and I can do it in very short bursts.

Even worse is when people like the color of my eyes... Oh that freaks me out. I have super dark brown eyes and for some reason people like them... Which is my worst freaking nightmare...

At times I just feel sick inside. I also dislike people forcing me to be in pictures. I cant "pose." The best pictures of me, are when I have no idea they are taking them, otherwise its just gross and it feels just wrong nearly.

 

[Theta.G]

So weird!!!

I have the same thing but i only "like?" eye contact if it's with a girlfriend. Natural that way. With everyone else it's just really odd and feels gross. As you have just described with beautiful metaphors!

 

[Progster]

I get that people think that you aren't listening if you don't make eye contact, but other than that I don't really understand why it is so mega-important that people make such a big deal over it. There are other ways to show that you are listening to a person other than giving eye contact.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I get that people think that you aren't listening if you don't make eye contact, but other than that I don't really understand why it is so mega-important that people make such a big deal over it. There are other ways to show that you are listening to a person other than giving eye contact.

By responding to what they just said perhaps?

Oh wait, that's wrong too... you're supposed to respond to what they meant..their secret code...

(Although I've picked up a lof of the 'code' over the years. It's not worth knowing.)

 

[Chance]

I get that people think that you aren't listening if you don't make eye contact, but other than that I don't really understand why it is so mega-important that people make such a big deal over it. There are other ways to show that you are listening to a person other than giving eye contact.

What they cant possibly notice is that the "eye contact" is just another distraction and the whole time I am listening to them more than most others dare too... I am also trying to arrange and intelligent response to what they are saying, when they finish speaking...

 

[LucyPurrs]

I won't make eye contact if I'm uncomfortable with someone looking into me- or if I feel they're being intrusive I will look away. But if I really want to get a sense of what's going on, I will look into their eyes- not stare for a long time but just look. It's a non- verbal thing. You can talk with your eyes and it can be very intimate but it doesn't have to be intrusive or forced. Not sure I'm making any sense here...

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Not sure I'm making any sense here...

Unlikely

 

[LucyPurrs]

Unlikely

meanie

 

[Sabrina]

I still remember how cool the cafes in Paris seemed to me, because the chairs of the tables were arranged in a way that people would be looking at the street, next to each other, instead of people being in front of each other.

I could imagine all the thinkers that had lived in that city, the Sartres and Montesquieus. They could just start talking, thinking in what they were saying, while the other person would listen, just that, listen, without having to look at each other.
Not all of the cafes are like that, but there‘s plenty.

I don‘t have a big issue with eye contact, it‘s just that I get distracted with it.

 

[Ragnahawk]

I don't collect anything from reading someone's eyes. I read the tone of their voice, delays in speech, pace of the speech movements in arms legs, positioning, face, where they are looking. Etc. It is like I am reading this person's life encyclopedia. If I need more information I probe with questions and eventually draw out what I wanted. All of it processes if I meet a new person because in my mind new people are a anomaly. I hyperfocus on it.

 

[Sabrina]

I got so many beatings, and got screamed at for "refusing" to look people in the eye. My moms favorite thing was to grab my chin and squeeze it like she was going to break my jaw bone and scream at me to look at here when she speaks to me... All that made me do was get more distant, until I didn't even see her as a person, more like a monster.

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There‘s a lot of widespread ignorance on the issue. The generalized notion is that to pay attention, you have to look at people in the eye.

Your mother was very ignorant in that aspect, in the same way that a lot of people are. She was also not acting out of love.

A while ago my daughter was anxious to the level of crying, the night before a short speech that she had to make in front of her class. So I tried to helped her telling her that she should focus on some dot or picture at the back of her class, so she didn‘t have to look at her classmates.

Her answer: “but the teacher said we should look at them in the eyes while we were speaking”.

I had to tell her that the teacher was wrong, because that way she was going to be easily distracted, that she had to pretend that she was looking at them, by looking at the end of the class, above their heads.

People are some times well meaning, but they can make things worse, specially for kids.

Anyway, one of the first things the therapist wanted to train me to do was make consistent eye contact, since this was something I didn't already do because of emerging social anxiety

I really feel bad for you. I think you suffered from the ignorance of the grown ups that were in charge of you. They might have had good intentions, though, but unfortunately good intentions are not good enough if they are based on ignorance.

It seems to me that eye contact was something you were forced to do.

 

[LucyPurrs]

meanie

Fridge: Hope you know I was jk!!

 

[Progster]

But if I really want to get a sense of what's going on, I will look into their eyes- not stare for a long time but just look. It's a non- verbal thing. You can talk with your eyes and it can be very intimate but it doesn't have to be intrusive or forced.

As @Ragnahawk also says, if I want a better sense of what's going on, I ask questions. I might look at a person's eyes, but unless the expression is really obvious, I can't tell what they are thinking or what is going on form the eyes alone, certainly they don't communicate much to me. Also, when I'm speaking or thinking, I'm not processing anything visual, so I won't pick up on this kind of nonverbal communication while talking to someone. And if I look at someone's eyes and try to interpret (for me it would be a conscious action and not instinctive), I won't be able to listen to what they are saying because I can't process that at the same time.

 

[Beverly Kamin]

I've gotten better at making eye contact. I used to struggle with it a lot, but now I find it much easier.