I'm pretty sure he's on the spectrum but I'm not...

[Suanjega]

I have always suspected that my love is near or on the spectrum. He has not been diagnosed, nor does he desire to be. He has said that if testing and such had been done when he was younger, he "would have probably been labeled with such nonsense". (His words, not mine) It was during this conversation that I told him that I wasn't sure if he was actually on the spectrum but if not, he was right next to it poking at it saying, "I'm not touching you..." He cut me a glance and said nothing... That was the end of that particular conversation. This was probably a year or so ago.

This past Thanksgiving, I had the opportunity to talk with his mom and youngest brother... They confirmed my suspicions that he may be near/on the spectrum. He has similar characteristics to his maternal grandfather so... some things are just family traits but other things are quite apparent that he is wired differently than the majority of men that I have met in my life. (not a bad thing, at all.)

One of the reasons I'm searching for more information is that lately I have been feeling a disconnect. I love him so much and I actually ache thinking about whether or not it is worth trying harder... This weekend was hard. I was in a bad place and he doesn't understand it.

I guess my big questions are: Is it worth it? Will I eventually understand him enough that I don't get so hurt by his inability to feel me...? I totally get that I am the problem here. He really is an awesome human being... How do I get out of my head and my expectations of how things are "supposed" to be? How do I keep from damaging him?

Note: I just turned 50. He's 973 give or take a few decades... Earth years, he's almost 43.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I would ask you - what do you hope that a diagnosis will do for him?

I got into counseling for help coping with specific issues. An autism diagnosis came as a secondary effect. For me, the diagnosis is helping me understand myself better, but that’s because I want to know.

I’d recommend the same approach. If he needs counseling for specific issue or if you both need counseling together, start with counseling and don’t worry about autism or any other label. If he’s unwilling to get counseling or unwilling to change what you want him to change, a diagnosis won’t do either of you any good.

 

[Bolletje]

My advice: let go of expectations of how it should be. Instead look at how things are, and ask yourself if you're happy.

 

[Dorkasour]

My advice: let go of expectations of how it should be. Instead look at how things are, and ask yourself if you're happy.

I agree.

 

[Sarahlou]

I also agree with the above, I’m 34 and my fiancée is 33 with Asperges, I’ve learnt we have to talk and keep the communication going otherwise we don’t know what each other needs. For example, if I’ve had a bad day at work I can’t expect him to read my body language and give me a hug, I have to say, please can I have a hug I’ve had such a rubbish day. Yes, this can be draining but actually this is one of the best relationships I’ve been in because we talk a lot more and are open about our feelings rather then second guessing each other.

 

[Nitro]

 

[Bella Pines]

I'm 43 next year, aspergers so on the other side from you.

I guess my big questions are: Is it worth it?

Yes and perfectly possible, I've been with my partner through 20 years and 2 children. We work well as a team.

Will I eventually understand him enough that I don't get so hurt by his inability to feel me...?

No. The best you can shoot for is acceptance. He will become comfortably predictable, but you will never truly understand him, nor he you. But then equally you will never understand what it's like to be a politician, or an attention starved actor, or a soldier, but yet you can accept that these personality types live among us.

I totally get that I am the problem here. He really is an awesome human being... How do I get out of my head and my expectations of how things are "supposed" to be?

What techniques have worked for you before? For example, when I am in a similar loop, "why can't people accept me, why are people sheep", I visualize. I imagine weeding the thought out of my head and throwing it away. Then I replace the thought with positive thoughts, sure they can't accept me but I don't accept them either and we are happy with that balance. I do this every 10 mins if necessary.

How do I keep from damaging him?

Communication. Explain clearly and calmly, for example "what you just said hurt my fragile feelings, please phrase it differently" and tell him what you want. Explain to him "I need attention, I need you to say/do things at regular intervals" and if it is reasonable then he will probably comply. My husband likes me to say 'I love you' at least once a week and I try not to sound scripted. In reality I do love him but he can't just accept that at face value and society has convinced him that certain rituals need to be followed.

 

[tree]

 

[Suanjega]

I would ask you - what do you hope that a diagnosis will do for him?

I got into counseling for help coping with specific issues. An autism diagnosis came as a secondary effect. For me, the diagnosis is helping me understand myself better, but that’s because I want to know.

I’d recommend the same approach. If he needs counseling for specific issue or if you both need counseling together, start with counseling and don’t worry about autism or any other label. If he’s unwilling to get counseling or unwilling to change what you want him to change, a diagnosis won’t do either of you any good.

I don't desire him to get tested...
I was in a low place and struggling to find normal...
There is no such thing as normal.

 

[Suanjega]

I'm 43 next year, aspergers so on the other side from you.



Yes and perfectly possible, I've been with my partner through 20 years and 2 children. We work well as a team.



No. The best you can shoot for is acceptance. He will become comfortably predictable, but you will never truly understand him, nor he you. But then equally you will never understand what it's like to be a politician, or an attention starved actor, or a soldier, but yet you can accept that these personality types live among us.



What techniques have worked for you before? For example, when I am in a similar loop, "why can't people accept me, why are people sheep", I visualize. I imagine weeding the thought out of my head and throwing it away. Then I replace the thought with positive thoughts, sure they can't accept me but I don't accept them either and we are happy with that balance. I do this every 10 mins if necessary.



Communication. Explain clearly and calmly, for example "what you just said hurt my fragile feelings, please phrase it differently" and tell him what you want. Explain to him "I need attention, I need you to say/do things at regular intervals" and if it is reasonable then he will probably comply. My husband likes me to say 'I love you' at least once a week and I try not to sound scripted. In reality I do love him but he can't just accept that at face value and society has convinced him that certain rituals need to be followed.

Thank you. This is where we dropped the ball... Life is challenging right now with...life...
This is my plan. To ask for date nights again. To turn of the computer and TV and play board games... Like we used to before life got challenging.

 

[Suanjega]

I also agree with the above, I’m 34 and my fiancée is 33 with Asperges, I’ve learnt we have to talk and keep the communication going otherwise we don’t know what each other needs. For example, if I’ve had a bad day at work I can’t expect him to read my body language and give me a hug, I have to say, please can I have a hug I’ve had such a rubbish day. Yes, this can be draining but actually this is one of the best relationships I’ve been in because we talk a lot more and are open about our feelings rather then second guessing each other.

I just forgot for a little while that I have to talk too... Thank you.

 

[Suanjega]

My advice: let go of expectations of how it should be. Instead look at how things are, and ask yourself if you're happy.

There are more happy than sad... The thought of him not being in my life is devastating.

 

[Bolletje]

@Suanjega If you compare how happy what you have makes you, versus how sad what you don't have makes you, and the balance ends up positive: good! But I still think that to be truly happy together, you need to well and truly accept that your relationships will never be a standard relationship, and that some things you'd ideally want are just not going to happen. If you can accept that without blaming your partner, best of luck and happiness to you both.

 

[Suanjega]

@Suanjega If you compare how happy what you have makes you, versus how sad what you don't have makes you, and the balance ends up positive: good! But I still think that to be truly happy together, you need to well and truly accept that your relationships will never be a standard relationship, and that some things you'd ideally want are just not going to happen. If you can accept that without blaming your partner, best of luck and happiness to you both.

Thank you. I do try to focus on that part. He is a great help to me when I have my emotional breaks because he is so calm... (non-emotional) That is the beauty of him. He calms me. We are good together. I was really having a horrible weekend and it escalated in my head. He took a job 3 hours away so he is only home on the weekends... That makes things horribly challenging. We just have to communicate more and focus on what makes us, us.