I'm rarely this angry.

[Knobgoblin]

I'm a vet with autism. That being said, there's going to be a communication problem here. I'm smart and really high functioning but it does effect my social life and relationships and more importantly, how I communicate. I've never been the feels type, never will be, but I do have them. I don't view my world through that lens. I have a head injury and with that a bad memory for events, but I'm working on that. I have strong trust issues but I give people the benefit of the doubt. I'm big and scary, but I try to be gentle with people. I know that I am ignorant of the great sums of what any given person will ever know and use that as a stepping stone to learn more. I prefer a constructive attitude to life and detest obstructionism. I'm a problem solver, I also live in a mechanistic world.

Okay, that's me. Gross, I know.

My situation. I'm married with children, eighteen years worth of it. I have four children, two of which have autism on the lower functioning side of the scale. I'm monogamous and so is my wife. Before my marriage, I used to be polygamorous, which my wife holds against me from time to time. Jealousy and insecurity are her modes of operation. My accommodating her baggage has cost me almost all outside contact. I have no friends, I only go where I absolutely need to go. It was an easy slide down hill for me, I'm approaching the Asocial side of things naturally though I used to be fairly popular. People like me, they think I'm interesting. With that said, non-transparent contact is verboten. Everything I do has to be in the open. I'm posting this in secret, by the by.

Any female is a threat to her. Men too. I was in the Marines. You know, a largely non-voluntary exercise once you initially volunteer. One day, she not only discovered that women join the Marines, but also that I have a female in my platoon. I can't help who I have to work with, it's just "needs of the Marine Corps". Well, this particular Marine, who I absolutely hated, decided to be my unit's recreation clerk(There's no such billet). The jackass contacted my wife against my wishes and so my wife thinks I'm sleeping with her. So, that's fun.

I had a classified billet, so sometimes I had to leave in the middle of the night or be gone for a few days with no option to tell her. She would ask the Marines who lived in our complex when they would get home and confront me with that. These people don't even work in my field let alone have a job like mine. An ordinance Marine or MP doesn't have the same schedule that I have. Even Marines in my platoon don't have the same work hours that I have. I used to think that 80 hour work weeks was what the lazy civies had. I also used to take classes or help my juniors, so sometimes I had to come home and change to regular clothes. Sometimes I just wanted to go be by myself, that's something hard to do at the E-club. After six years of accusations and mental abuse that totally never happened, I did finally cheat on her. I don't feel good about it, but there it is. Instant revocation of credibility.

She of course can talk to whomever she pleases and even had several online courters over the years. She has men text her at night trying to get in her pants. It's just funny to her and I wouldn't like to feel the same if it wasn't for the way she reacts when people talk to me. Now I'm bothered by it all. When we play online games, she lets men flirt or talk sexually to her. She even ignores me or ignores my requests to stop it. I have to beg several times just to get her to block the creepier ones. She even drunk sent a picture of her breasts to one. I chalked it up to her being drunk that night, but she just kept letting him flirt with her. It took her two weeks to put a stop to it. What do you do with that?

I of course have to endure her jealous rage is any female says more than two things and I respond back. I doesn't happen every time, but it has happened enough that I don't want to play online any more. She just has to ask if I'm talking sexually to anyone. She says that she believes me but I know better.

Anyone, and I mean anyone, is just another person the I'm sleeping with. Every time that I say I'm not is just another concealment of the truth. Every explanation a confession. Every time I forget to make eye contact, every confused expression, and eventually every time I get angry, a evidence of guilt. I'm always talking bad about her when she's not in the room. I'm why my family hates her. She even came up with a conspiracy that the US government is sending prostitutes to Iraq and Afghanistan via my car insurance emails. She can never admit to being less that perfect or to ever being at fault for anything. Every problem in our lives begins and ends with me.

And her excuse for all of this toxicity; She doesn't remember doing any of it and she has ADD with a dash of anxiety.

I'm held to full account for everything that I have or have been imagined to have done despite the fact that I have a disability and a bad up bringing, but her disablity puts her above all criticism. Autism is a perfect excuse for my kids, but not for me.

Things that I do or accomplish count for nothing. I'm not to talk about them because I have a huge ego. I'm expected to drop everything that I'm doing at a moments notice to do whatever thing that anyone not on a feeding tube can do and if I don't do it with a smile or I show any discontent, I'm an asshole. Even my kids have picked up this attitude towards me. Nothing that I do is important unless it is for them. Of course, this is a one way highway. I don't expect much from other people, but I do expect something.

I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I have to make every plan and decision but I have to integrate the poorly thought out non-optional suggestions and any psychically transmitted conditions.

All the rules seem to change when it's my turn. I feel like I'm simultaneously the foundation and the outsider of my family life. I have depression (Childhood, spousal abuse, and war stuff) and after I actually went to the VA to get help, she made fun of me fore getting on pills. I haven't asked for help since. She shamed me for getting help and she claims that none of that ever happened. Nope, not miss perfect.

She did offer to listen to me and to tell her when she's being awful. She promised. That's kind of hard to do when she's being awful and doesn't even remember being awful. She sure as heck remembers anything bad that I may or may not have done. That's the way it goes, she's horrible for a week or two, then absolutely confused as to why I don't want to tak to her or be around her for like a week after that. There the cycle goes round and round, and I'm always at fault.

I live under constant, Non-existent criticism. She's a perfect toxic angel, and I'm the worst. Of course she tells her friends and family that I'm perfect, except when she does the opposite. And I am to say nothing about her, it's verboten. Also, she caught me typing this, so now I'm a huge asshole.

 

[Misery]

I dont do relationship stuff much, but even I can see the problems here.

Here's my question: Why are you even still with her? This is someone who CLEARLY doesnt trust you. Who cares about herself waaaaayyyyy more than you. Hell, based on what you say here, it sounds like she doesnt even like you much. And it sounds like she's the sort of person that's always thinking they're the focus of reality. That's what I get from reading your descriptions here. Cheating on someone is never good, but at the same time... even I can see WHY you did so.

Why not just get away from her for good? She sounds utterly toxic. A relationship is supposed to go BOTH ways, right? But she wants it just ONE way. Again, I dont really do relationships, but were it me in this position, I'd have already dumped her by now with little hesitation. I mean, you dont need to allow someone to constantly ruin your life and belittle you like that.

Whatever you choose to do... I wish you luck, sir. You deserve to be happy, not miserable. At the very least, you can count on support here in this place.

 

[Cactus]

Semper fi

My crazy pants wife left me with no notice after 18 years. I was devastated for about 45 days. My life is so much better without her.

This is only my opinion: you need to be free of her. Life is too short to put up with that abuse.

 

[Tom]

Sounds like you could use professional assistance in the form of marriage counseling.

 

[TheFreeCat]

Oh dear. I would be out of there.

 

[Mia]

Wow, your wife sounds as if she has one of the B cluster personality disorders, like borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. I feel for you, that's not easy to live with.

My husband and I are both HFA, we get along pretty well, and we do have our not perfect moments. Yet we tend to keep in mind that we care about one another.

Realize that what you have written is one side of the relationship and one perspective. My sole suggestion is that your wife see a psychologist for awhile and in the process it may help her becoming less vindictive and jealous and that may help you. Not as a couple, therapy rarely helps people with autism, as we mask throughout. Unless the psychologist is familiar with treating patients with high functioning autism.

 

[BraidedPony]

I vote for borderline because of the possessiveness.

 

[ftfipps]

If she is that suspicious of you she is probably a cheater herself. This is coming from personal experience. What kind of friends does she have? Where did you meet her?

 

[GadAbout]

What ages are your kids? What would be the effect on them if you split? Who will be stuck with ongoing care of the lower-functioning autistic kids?

Everyone telling you to get away from this relationship seems to be forgetting that consideration.

It's also possible that your own autism makes her feel distant from you and aggravates abandonment feelings she has.

I think your first stop should be at the marriage and family counseling center. Try to be open to your own possible and unintended contributions to the impasse which you were not aware of. People who go into marriage counseling intent on blaming everything on the other person are rarely satisfied with the result.

 

[Nauti]

It sounds a lot like a combination of my partner's and my own previous relationships.
Not surprising us Aspie's end up in such messy ones, with our innate psychology deficits. Doesn't mean we're incapable of learning from our mistakes though.

I tend to agree with, pretty much, all that the previous poster's have said, even though some poster's have said contradictory things to other's.
In our experience, people like your missus rarely change. She would have to show a willingness to take responsibility for herself and start being a whole lot more honest.

Her insecurity and lack of self responsibility and honesty is crippling your relationship, and if she's unwilling to start facing up to her own deficits, then it's not doing anyone any favours by staying in the relationship.

 

[Monachopia]

I deeply sympathise with you. That sort of emotional abuse is really difficult to live with and recover from. What most people don't realise is that emotional abuse like that can in some ways be akin to physical abuse as it damages someone equally as much. Wounds heal, but mental scars remain for a very long time.

The obvious answer is to try to leave. But, I suspect that's a lot more complicated than it seems. There are children involved and a woman who seems to be unstable in one way or another. It is very difficult to get free from someone like her. If you try, she will guilt trip you and the cycle will repeat over and over. Marital counselling may be an option, but really, I think it might just give her more ammunition to use against you at a later date.
Unless you're willing to give up everything and cut ties completely, I'm not sure it's so easy to get away. As a woman, I suspect she will get custody of the children and will argue (tearfully to whomever will listen) for you to get nothing at all. At this point, it would be useful to start collecting evidence why she might be a bad influence and build your case that you are in the right, so that if you ever decide to go for a divorce, you can dispute anything she says about you.

I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this including the awful stuff from your past, it really sounds tough and you're really trying to live your life as best you can. I really hope things improve for you. Don't let her put you down for seeking help for mental health. You're incredibly strong for taking that step, please don't let her take that away from you.

 

[dragstone]

I have depression (Childhood, spousal abuse, and war stuff) and after I actually went to the VA to get help, she made fun of me fore getting on pills.... Also, she caught me typing this, so now I'm a huge asshole.

This here says everything. Marriage counseling is unlikely to work. I'm sorry to say but it's time to consider parting ways. It will be messy and having four children will make things all the more difficult. But for your sanity and long-term wellbeing, it's probably best.

 

[Shamar]

I almost never say this, but I feel for you. I am in almost exactly the same situation. My wife meets all but one of the diagnostic criteria for narcissism syndrome. She operates on a few simple rules: reality is whatever she decides it is; she never met a person she didn't dislike; her way of dealing with people is arrogance, demands, and insults; cooperation means immediately doing whatever she wants; all conversations must devolve to focus on her. Sound familiar?

Why do I stay? Because my son (who is the closest I can get to being someone I can care about) would be slitting his wrists if I left him living with her. You mention that you have limited feelings (like most of us), but I also sense you care about your children and what might happen to them if you left them with her.

I have no advice. All I can do is offer some support and sympathy. Best of luck.

 

[Autistamatic]

Crikey what a godawful mess! This is not a situation anybody should have to live with, on either side. It sounds like your wife's paranoia is making both your lives a misery. If you really were the man she paints you to be, what would be the point of being married to you? Why would you want to be married to someone who treats you like dirt?
For the sole reason that we only have your side of the story I'm going to agree with the suggestion of couples counselling. Since she ridiculed you for seeking help for yourself, it makes me doubt she'll cooperate, but you have kids. That may be incentive enough for both of you to give it at least the college try.
In the meantime start gathering evidence in case ending the relationship is or becomes the only way to save yourself and your children.
I do feel for you deeply having been in a remarkably similar relationship when I was quite young. The first love of my life, the first girl I lived with accused me day and night of much the same as your wife, but cheated on me several times (that I know of). Every time I tried to end it she would turn on the tears, tell me how much she loved me and she couldn't live without me, then a few months or a year later I'd catch her at it again.
Her jealousy knew no bounds. To give an example...

One day I looked up from a magazine article I was reading to comment;
"I never knew that - Jamie Lee Curtis is Tony Curtis's daughter."
She asked me who Tony Curtis was.
"He's in one of my favourite ever movies "Some Like it Hot"
She asked what it's about.
"These two musicians find themselves on the run from the mob and to get away they disguise themselves as girls and join an all female band who are going on tour. It's a hilarious classic, I'm surprised you've not seen it."
That led to several years of her spitting at me that Jamie Lee Curtis was my "dream girl" and that I was a secret transvestite because "You like watching films about perverts who get their kicks from pretending to be women". She even locked her underwear away so I didn't "Ponce around in it behind [her] back".

When I read your post those memories came flooding back. I put up with that for 5 years and it nearly destroyed me. Luckily we never married and there were no kids, but my god it drove me to the brink. How you have managed 18 years I don't know.
You have to end this situation for your sake and for your kids. If you can do that together then of course you have to try, but one way or another it has to stop.
Good luck.

 

[Nauti]

I wanted to say, for someone who says they have communication issues, you expressed yourself, remarkably, well, telling your story.

I think it highly likely that your wife does, herself, what she accuses you of. This I suspect, because people often accuse other's of what they, themselves, are guilty of.

Perhaps hiring a private detective would prove productive in building a strong case in court and save you being scapegoated and victimized even further?

My partner has been in the exact same relationship type twice, and in both situation the women were the ones cheating and accusing him, to deflect and distract from their own guilt.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that you can reason or show her how to be honest, she lacks integrity and will use anything she can against you and make up lies if she has nothing on you.

You need witnesses, allies and concrete evidence and you need to keep quiet about your plans as she will sabotage everything you try to do to empower yourself and protect your children unless she is facing the full extent of the law.

None of this is your fault. She tricked you and she lies to you and about you. She uses your decency, honesty and lack of guile against you. A common ploy of the cluster B disordered personality.

Get a good lawyer, get a good PI and start looking for some support for your kids and yourself, but do it on the down low.

You have to use deception by omission to protect yourself and your children when dealing with someone as unwell and dishonest as your wife.

Please feel free to discard any of this post and advice if it doesn't apply, but, if your instincts and experience tell you this applies, BE CAREFUL!

This may be a women who responds to ultimatums and attempts to put in healthier boundaries by escalating the abuse and lies.

 

[Shamar]

[
You are (or were) a marine. Remember your training: who is most likely to survive and win a firefight - the guy who goes berserk at the enemy, or the one who keeps his cool and thinks thinks things through? You know the answer. Keep it at the top of your thoughts.