'I'm scared of my own autistic child' BBC News (magazinne)

[The Midge]

'I'm scared of my own autistic child'

Two things here:

Parents struggling to cope with their violent autistic children are not being properly supported by local authorities, the National Autistic Society says.

For some, a violent outburst can be a daily occurrence.

"I'm scared of him. You live on a knife edge. You don't know what's coming next," Lucy Goldsworthy told the BBC's Victoria Derbyshire programme.

She has previously been left with a split lip and bruising following her son Elliot's violent outbursts, while her husband Ian has been left with a scratched cornea.

Twelve-year-old Elliot has autism and learning difficulties which, in his case, means he is unable to speak.

It looks like the old Autism and thing.

One 2011 study, of nearly 1,400 children with autism in the US, found more than half were aggressive or violent towards their families or carers. report here: New Research on Children with ASD and Aggression | Interactive Autism Network

The original report is careful to point out that aggression in Autism cases is as a result of stresses on the child rather than a desire to be spiteful.

Just seems another less than helpful intervention.

 

[Joel's Hear]

I can't help but think the parents are responsible and are crappy, and really want attention by getting victimized, but once in a while I'm sure you'll find parents who do actually care and try their best. Probably like looking for a needle in a haystack though.

 

[Starfire]

I think these parents are being criticised very harshly. I don't think they are "crappy" parents, or want attention by getting victimised, quite the opposite. For me this article is more a cry for help as they are obviously struggling and are being badly let down by their local council who has a duty of care towards them and their child. The council has been named and shamed and this was perhaps the point of the article, and the only option left to the parents as they were being ignored.

I have a daughter of 14 on the spectrum who while stressed and in a major meltdown, threatened to stab my wife. She has also threatened to "burn the house down while you're all asleep" and much more besides. The reasons for these meltdowns? Because we refused to buy her bottles of alcohol so she could get "completely drunk" at a party, because we refused to let her stay the night at a "friends house" because she refused to say who the "friend" was or where they lived etc etc.

I could go on and on with examples, but the fact is that children on the spectrum can be capable of being very threatening, abusive and potentially dangerous, as can any child.

It's easy to criticise parenting and discuss strategies and techniques and what you would have done better, but until you have been face to face with your own child in meltdown, screaming and practically frothing at the mouth who is threatening your life or theirs, then you simply don't understand.

I think people should try to be compassionate towards parents who are really struggling despite trying to do their best in difficult circumstances. The easy option would have been to put their child in care and visit, but they didn't do that, I think they just want some help and don't seem be getting it.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I think these parents are being criticised very harshly. I don't think they are "crappy" parents, or want attention by getting victimised, quite the opposite. For me this article is more a cry for help as they are obviously struggling and are being badly let down by their local council who has a duty of care towards them and their child. The council has been named and shamed and this was perhaps the point of the article, and the only option left to the parents as they were being ignored.

I have a daughter of 14 on the spectrum who while stressed and in a major meltdown, threatened to stab my wife. She has also threatened to "burn the house down while you're all asleep" and much more besides. The reasons for these meltdowns? Because we refused to buy her bottles of alcohol so she could get "completely drunk" at a party, because we refused to let her stay the night at a "friends house" because she refused to say who the "friend" was or where they lived etc etc.

I could go on and on with examples, but the fact is that children on the spectrum can be capable of being very threatening, abusive and potentially dangerous, as can any child.

It's easy to criticise parenting and discuss strategies and techniques and what you would have done better, but until you have been face to face with your own child in meltdown, screaming and practically frothing at the mouth who is threatening your life or theirs, then you simply don't understand.

I think people should try to be compassionate towards parents who are really struggling despite trying to do their best in difficult circumstances. The easy option would have been to put their child in care and visit, but they didn't do that, I think they just want some help and don't seem be getting it.

Thanks for posting this. I'm sure your experience gives you a valuable perspective to this forum.
I seriously dont know how,you manage, as any teenager will push you to the edge at times.
I hope you and your wife are able to support each other.

 

[pjcnet]

The local authority services (councils) in the UK are generally awful and are often severely underfunded, in fact a day centre that both my severely autistic adult brothers attend is under threat of closure (People have been fighting to keep it open for ages, I would say a lot more, but this isn't the politics forum). Social services that are part of the local authorities in the UK often provide the worst service of all, my experience is worse than dreadful for instance, my past social worker vanished for months on a regular basis with nothing but broken promises and she now thinks that autism is in fact a mental health condition (I've had this debate on another thread), overall the service was worse than useless throughout, I say worse than useless because she did nothing positive what-so-ever, all she did was cause stress and it ended in me falling out with her completely (she hasn't contacted in years). Services are similarly bad for children these days in the UK and they're often keen to give autistic children antidepressants and anti-psychotics (which harm them in the long term) to attempt to make them more manageable, rather than to provide proper helpful services (they tried to give my brother such drugs and he was like a zombie, experts then said how much better he was, but it wasn't my brother anymore and my parents took him off them against advice).

That said despite receiving very little extra help my parents coped with my two brothers (hyperactive, have meltdowns, low functioning and still low functioning - my parents are now elderly and still care for both my now adult brothers 24/7) and they additionally coped with myself (I was hyperactive, had meltdowns and I was a lot more low functioning when I was a child), so it does also comes down to how patient and good the parents are too as well as education about autism. I'm not saying it is easy to look after an autistic child, but some parents can definitely handle autistic children better than others and my parents handled 3 very troublesome ones at the same time. Sadly parents that struggle can often get angry making meltdowns and matters much worse (it's a vicious circle then). Obviously parents that are struggling should be offered extra help, a lot better than the help they currently receive, but it's far from an ideal world.

 

[Starfire]

Thanks for posting this. I'm sure your experience gives you a valuable perspective to this forum.
I seriously dont know how,you manage, as any teenager will push you to the edge at times.
I hope you and your wife are able to support each other.

Thank you so much! You are absolutely right that any teenager can push one to the edge, with or without ASD. I think in many ways it's much harder on my NT wife and NT younger daughter than for myself. I definitely have a different insight and understanding than they do, and the nasty, threatening or hurtful comments have no impact on me but are very hurtful to them, as they are designed to be.

Of course my daughter knows I do not negotiate once my reasons have been given, and I will not back down to threats. If I say something will happen it will, and if it won't it won't. She seems to cope with that much better as there is no ambiguity or room for doubt, she just has to get on with it. My wife thinks I'm too tough, I think she is too soft and open to manipulation, but somehow we muddle through and do things as best we can with zero help or support from school, councillors or anywhere else!

 

[Starfire]

The local authority services (councils) in the UK are generally awful and are often severely underfunded, in fact a day centre that both my severely autistic adult brothers attend is under threat of closure (People have been fighting to keep it open for ages, I would say a lot more, but this isn't the politics forum). Social services that are part of the local authorities in the UK often provide the worst service of all, my experience is worse than dreadful for instance, my past social worker vanished for months on a regular basis with nothing but broken promises and she now thinks that autism is in fact a mental health condition (I've had this debate on another thread), overall the service was worse than useless throughout, I say worse than useless because she did nothing positive what-so-ever, all she did was cause stress and it ended in me falling out with her completely (she hasn't contacted in years). Services are similarly bad for children these days in the UK and they're often keen to give autistic children antidepressants and anti-psychotics (which harm them in the long term) to attempt to make them more manageable, rather than to provide proper helpful services (they tried to give my brother such drugs and he was like a zombie, experts then said how much better he was, but it wasn't my brother anymore and my parents took him off them against advice).

That said despite receiving very little extra help my parents coped with my two brothers (hyperactive, have meltdowns, low functioning and still low functioning - my parents are now elderly and still care for both my now adult brothers 24/7) and they additionally coped with myself (I was hyperactive, had meltdowns and I was a lot more low functioning when I was a child), so it does also comes down to how patient and good the parents are too as well as education about autism. I'm not saying it is easy to look after an autistic child, but some parents can definitely handle autistic children better than others and my parents handled 3 very troublesome ones at the same time. Sadly parents that struggle can often get angry making meltdowns and matters much worse (it's a vicious circle then). Obviously parents that are struggling should be offered extra help, a lot better than the help they currently receive, but it's far from an ideal world.

Brilliant post, very helpful and I agree with everything you said, well put. Your parents must be so strong and full of knowledge if they ever wrote a book, I'd buy it!