Impostor

[Professori]

Hi,
So, interesting times! I have always known I am different - indeed, very different, and not comfortable around people or in menial conversations. However, I stumbled onto the various Asperger's tests, and found that my scores are very high. I suppose I am not surprised because the broad profile is about the only one that I seemingly fit into, irrespective of all the other categories others have attempted to fit me into. It changes nothing.
I a now almost 64 and have been a professor/academic for 37 years. Even though I have been the Head of my department, I always knew that I would not be promoted to the upper echelons because I have a tendency to point out the uncomfortable, fail the politically correct test, am definitely not diplomatic, and do not understand why people have to dance around issues. Here has been my real life-long issue: to be nobody but yourself a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which a human being can fight, and never stop fighting. It is exhausting, marching to a different drum is lonely and exacting - and it should not be. It is wrong for people to expect everyone to be 'normal' (so what is that, anyway?), to fit the mold, and in fact, quite cruel.
There is an impostor with me constantly - the sly and sinister impersonator of my true self who stalks me even in my sleep. Who is this impostor/impersonator? The one who everyone else wants me to be, the societal clone, the one who must fit and be comfortable to everyone, like a teddy bear, despite that which is claimed by society to the contrary. That impostor is baffling, sly and seductive and constantly attempts to persuade me to forsake my true self. Sometimes I am even confused about who my true self actually is. I just know that I am like that little boy sitting in the corner and watching the world go by.
Are we not led to believe that we should buy into the lie that we are worthy of love only when our lives are going well - for other people, that is. If our families are happy and our jobs are meaningful, life is a success. But when life is tough going and the embarrassing true self threatens to reveal its less than perfect identity, we become pressured to keep up a good front to present to the world. We can even cower and hide until we can rearrange the mask of attempted perfection and look good again. Yet, there is the opportunity to take the mask off and be loved for true self - come openly.
Goodness me, where did all that came from? - I don't really mean to be cynical, but just share some deeper thoughts of mine.

 

[zurb]

Welcome to AC. I hope you find some like minded friends here. There are a number of members that have discovered Aspergers/Autism around a similar age.
If you would like to learn more, I highly recommend Tony Attwood's "The complete guide to Aspergers".
Feel free to look around and join in where you like.
Again, welcome to AC.

 

[Astroganga]

Welcome to AC, I have to say that intro was one of the most profound and enlightening things I have read, are you a professor in English or some other subject?

 

[Mia]

Welcome Professori,

 

[Professori]

Welcome to AC, I have to say that intro was one of the most profound and enlightening things I have read, are you a professor in English or some other subject?

Hi, nope, I am an Industrial Psychologist - strange but true. Thanks for the comment.

 

[Professori]

Welcome!!! It's good to see another "mature Apsie" among all these youngsters. Browse around and meet the gang, post a few things, and makes some new friends along the way.

Thanks, am looking forward to it, and also good to know that there are other more mature Aspies who have walked the road.

 

[hazybabe]

Such a beautiful and articulate intro. I could Google the subject you teach as I don't know what it is although of you would oblige could you explain in layman's terms.

 

[Professori]

Such a beautiful and articulate intro. I could Google the subject you teach as I don't know what it is although of you would oblige could you explain in layman's terms.

Sure - it is the study of the human psyche and behavior in the workplace. We try to explain why humans change and behave so differently when in organisations - this so that we can predict and control behaviour. I research the effects of rewards (pay) on behaviour and performance - specifically how intrinsic rewards (internal, non-financial) dramatically affect how we work.

 

[DogwoodTree]

We recently discussed the "True self--aspie style" in this thread:

https://www.aspiescentral.com/threads/true-self-aspie-style.15714/

Might be interesting reading for you.

This is a topic I've struggled with all my life...the whole concept of who am I really, and how do I become a "real person"?

 

[Cosmophylla]

Welcome to AC, Professori. Thank you for your thoughtful introduction.

 

[StephF]

Greetings Doctore !

 

[Professori]

We recently discussed the "True self--aspie style" in this thread:

https://www.aspiescentral.com/threads/true-self-aspie-style.15714/

Might be interesting reading for you.

This is a topic I've struggled with all my life...the whole concept of who am I really, and how do I become a "real person"?

Thanks - some very interesting perspectives. One of the main enemies to discovering self is the problem of self-worth. Too many have poor self-image because of societal pressure and lack of affirmation, and this will always work against self-discovery. Of course, the paradox is that one can only discover one's true identity within the context of healthy and transparent community where self-disclosure and transparency leads to healing and identity discovery. However, society as a whole is broken, neurotic and fundamentally confused about what is healthy.

 

[clg114]

Sure - it is the study of the human psyche and behavior in the workplace. We try to explain why humans change and behave so differently when in organisations - this so that we can predict and control behaviour. I research the effects of rewards (pay) on behaviour and performance - specifically how intrinsic rewards (internal, non-financial) dramatically affect how we work.

I agree. I worked at a Cat dealership for 23 years. Their philosophy about employees was this: "A companies employees can ether make them or break them. How you treat them determines which way it goes." We were all happy working there and there was very little turnover. Every one felt like working toward the good of the company was working toward your own good. It is such a simple concept yet most employers do not practice it. I only left to become self-employed. I know it is just business, but I have always felt a little guilty for taking some of their customers with me.

Welcome to AC, I think you will like it here.

 

[Professori]

I agree. I worked at a Cat dealership for 23 years. Their philosophy about employees was this: "A companies employees can ether make them or break them. How you treat them determines which way it goes." We were all happy working there and there was very little turnover. Every one felt like working toward the good of the company was working toward your own good. It is such a simple concept yet most employers do not practice it. I only left to become self-employed. I know it is just business, but I have always felt a little guilty for taking some of their customers with me.

Welcome to AC, I think you will like it here.

Thanks for the welcome. Companies still have the idea that people are like trained animals - offer them a valued reward and then they will do exactly what they want them to do (basic reinforcement theory). We are not animals nor automatons, and the approach is only correct to the extent that behaviour can indeed be manipulated based on the premise that people want money, but the key question is whether or not people want to do what they are beng paid for, and enjoy it. The greatest reward for people is to enjoy and have meaning in their work. Management in general is more comfortable with controlling people rather than engaging them. Besides incentives result in all kinds of poor behaviour, as we have seen with cases like Enron.

 

[Elemental]

Welcome Professori We are totally a mixed bunch of people on here & it's an excellent site to visit!

 

[DogwoodTree]

One of the main enemies to discovering self is the problem of self-worth. Too many have poor self-image because of societal pressure and lack of affirmation, and this will always work against self-discovery.

I think this deficit tends to be a given for many aspies...what's inside never seems to come out in ways that accurately reflect the value of what's going on inside, and what others do manage to express in return is fragmented, filtered, and distorted before entering back into our systems, if it gets in at all. The "connection loop" is never completed in a way that is fulfilling and life-giving.

Even in a healthy environment, there's a great deal of disconnect between an aspie's inner world and the outer, social world. Having grown up in an extremely dysfunctional and abusive family, "affirmations", in my experience, are dangerous tools used to manipulate and coerce. So now, even when I'm with people who do relate in healthier ways, I don't know how to receive their well-meaning feedback that still must traverse the abyss of autistic disconnect.

Of course, the paradox is that one can only discover one's true identity within the context of healthy and transparent community where self-disclosure and transparency leads to healing and identity discovery.

Does this truly exist anywhere? How do you find people like that who are healthy enough to give that feedback while stable enough to not run away from this defective-but-seeking person that I am?

I think my "true self" is such a distorted version of what others consider to be "normal" that the more I am the real me, the less connection with others is possible.

 

[Professori]

I think this deficit tends to be a given for many aspies...what's inside never seems to come out in ways that accurately reflect the value of what's going on inside, and what others do manage to express in return is fragmented, filtered, and distorted before entering back into our systems, if it gets in at all. The "connection loop" is never completed in a way that is fulfilling and life-giving.

Even in a healthy environment, there's a great deal of disconnect between an aspie's inner world and the outer, social world. Having grown up in an extremely dysfunctional and abusive family, "affirmations", in my experience, are dangerous tools used to manipulate and coerce. So now, even when I'm with people who do relate in healthier ways, I don't know how to receive their well-meaning feedback that still must traverse the abyss of autistic disconnect.



Does this truly exist anywhere? How do you find people like that who are healthy enough to give that feedback while stable enough to not run away from this defective-but-seeking person that I am?

I think my "true self" is such a distorted version of what others consider to be "normal" that the more I am the real me, the less connection with others is possible.

Agreed. This is why I mention the ideal (elusive butterfly) and the paradox (broken society in which nobody can really identify or define 'normal'). In my world the Aspie/autistic mind is normal And what spins out of my mind does not strike me as out of place unless it is brought to my attention in the light of some standard presented to me by someone who parades as being 'normal'. I too was brought up in a terribly abusive family environment in which affirmation was a foreign concept and practice. So, when I did receive it elsewhere I regarded it with great suspicion. I could nevertheless still see how, upon close observation as a 'psychologist', in the one or two relatively healthy, affirming family environments, the child really did blossom, even the one who was regarded as 'abnormal' but treated as though ok. Still, I agree that it is an incredibly complex scenario, and is fraught with simplistic assumptions. I am still hopeful enough that there are the few who can truly plumb the depths of the Aspie/autistic mind and allow us to throw out a contact line.
Thanks for the comments, I appreciate the interaction.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I am still hopeful enough that there are the few who can truly plumb the depths of the Aspie/autistic mind and allow us to throw out a contact line.

Good point. When I listen to Tony Atwood's videos on YouTube, it's almost like he knows me from my inner world perspective...he knows me better than my mother does, or anyone else IRL. Are there any other authors/YouTubers/etc you've encountered that give you the impression they actually "get it"? It's disheartening and discouraging to keep reaching out, to keep trying to explain what my world is like, and to keep being misunderstood.

I read this article earlier today, about hiding ourselves in response to repeated failures to connect:

https://eisforerin.com/2016/04/03/hiding/

 

[Professori]

Good point. When I listen to Tony Atwood's videos on YouTube, it's almost like he knows me from my inner world perspective...he knows me better than my mother does, or anyone else IRL. Are there any other authors/YouTubers/etc you've encountered that give you the impression they actually "get it"? It's disheartening and discouraging to keep reaching out, to keep trying to explain what my world is like, and to keep being misunderstood.

I read this article earlier today, about hiding ourselves in response to repeated failures to connect:

https://eisforerin.com/2016/04/03/hiding/

Well, I have listened to Temple Grandin on Ted Talks, and she is also an author. There is a range of talks on Ted Talks which address the topic from various perspectives - Rosie King is another one, but to answer your question, they did not connect with me, but that is just me. For example, if an Aspie or autistic person attempts to explain the Aspie world to others in order to help them understand, then it is very different than when someone who is not an Aspie can speak into Aspies' lives, and I have not encountered such a petson yet. This is because that particular Aspie is attempting to change behaviour, language and symbols in order to fit - to communicate and appeal 'normally' so others will accept and understand. 'Aspie whisperer' needed. But I speak for myself and frankly, I tend to see things through 'psychedelic' lenses or filters. Unfortunately, I have even been classified paranoid schizophrenic at one stage (what rubbish) - I do not buy that and am not really into labels.
I see the pain of the author of the blog. It is very difficult to remain vulnerable when hurt and so why not withdraw into the recesses of one's mind. It would be really good to be able to connect with like-minded people,
in the sense of deep understanding, but communication mediated through technology is very difficult and leads to too much misunderstanding.