"In a hurry" to get happily married but just can't fall in love "naturally"

[Roy Nel]

Dear friends on the autism spectrum,

I'm busy immigrating from South Africa, so have not yet started a new job in California to earn dollars from home. I would like to work as a data entry clerk, and would also like to have a second income from doing music, if possible.

I believe there's a great sense of urgency for this situation to be sorted out. I'm starting a new social life in California, either in-person or through video chats, and I don't want all the social problems and trouble I've caused others and to myself in South Africa to happen all over again in California! This is a new start for me! Please, I don't want to go through the same "social torture" all over again.

THE HELP I'M LOOKING FOR

1. I've put this first because I believe it's going to cause the most trouble: I'm convinced I'm traumatized from my first wife (who had bipolar disorder) committing suicide, after breaking her marriage vows and moving out to live far away from me. I've been unmarried ever since and even suffered further emotional wounds by meeting 3 more ladies after my wife. Needless to say, they all broke up with me! So I so badly miss all the good things about marriage, particularly sex. There's no-one to have sex with, so I have sex with "myself" (and I probably overdo it). Praise God I've never been a male prostitute or rapist, and never want to be! I have a bad habit of staring at women in public, and my Mom (she knows I have Asperger's Syndrome) has scolded me for doing that. The less clothing they're wearing, the more I'm turned on for sex, and charge into the nearest toilet cubicle to act out in private, wherever it is.
   
   
2. The ability to take relationships more naturally, and not say or do a single thing to drive marriage prospects away from me! Simply put, two opposing extreme sides exist, and I'm only able to fixate on one extreme at a time. There's nothing in-between that I can concentrate on to make finding a wife more "normal". Read about them below; you'll agree they both don't work!:
   

• One extreme is that I don't want to give so much attention socializing with just the ladies, so "hell-bent" on finding a wife that I don't give any time to personal hygiene, or enjoying some time on my own to listen to my favourite music or write a song. I've come to realize this approach drives all the ladies away. Asperger's is a mental problem, and with 95% of ladies I've met, I seem to have the knack to attract "retarded" ladies who are also desperate to get married. Of course, I'm overjoyed when I meet almost any lady who says "I'd love to marry you one day, Roy Nel and I'll never leave you!" But the break-up is inevitable!
  
  
• The other extreme that I also want to try and avoid is interacting with just the men, ignore the women completely as if they're the scum of the earth, and only speak to them when they speak to me. Because I'm worried that I'll say or do something that will drive them away, dashing to pieces any opportunity for me to "zing" with a lady (if you've seen the film "Hotel Transylvania" you'll know what I mean). In other words, for both of us to click and be attracted to the point of wanting marriage.
  
  

If you know what to do about point 1's extremes, and you've given me the solution, then I'd like to meet a lady who's as super-passionate as I am about music, songwriting and notating sheet music for piano. For example, I notated note-for-note my most favourite computer game soundtrack, which wasn't easy at all. But I got it 95% perfect! I was such a Perfectionist and passionate about it that I worked a SOLID 15 hours on it, finding it really difficult to put my mouse down, only going to sleep at 3 am the next morning! I concluded that: 1) If I met a lady with the same passion, we'd be inseparable and a happy, lifelong marriage would be inevitable, and 2) I want to do music professionally in California and make a living out of it. I just don't want anything to go wrong or pick up signals that she wants to break up with me - refer to the first point.


In light of COVID-19 putting everybody in quarantine, I want to make as many new friends as possible over Skype and other video chat facilities. I also do hope that it will eventually be possible to meet them in-person. I am so jolly serious about having a good social life, especially getting married!



Thanks for your help guys and girls!

 

[GadAbout]

I don't know what "help" you think anyone here could possibly provide you with. Wherever you go, there you are - meaning problems of your own making are likely to assert themselves when you get to your next destination, strangers on an internet forum can't save you from yourself.

Also, this is a terrible time to try to change countries. We don't want immigrants, we aren't even letting people enter the country, and the economy has tanked. Stay where you are and solve your issues locally.

 

[Crossbreed]

Also, this is a terrible time to try to change countries. We don't want immigrants, we aren't even letting people enter the country, and the economy has tanked. Stay where you are and solve your issues locally.

From another forum (so it's public), his parents are already here. He is rejoining them.

 

[Giraffes]

Hi Your behaviour around women is worrying, please get help with your urges. Perhaps your obsession with getting married is damaging your well being? Aspergers is a neurological condition that may have mental health issues attached, it isn't a mental condition but a triad of impairements and a different way of being.Your use of the word 'retarded' is not kind, do you mean people with learning difficulties? In my opinion a shared passion or interest is not a guarantee of being inseperable or having a lifelong marriage.Life and people's wants and needs can change and 'things going wrong' can be a opportunity for those in a relationship to grow in acceptance of each other and find solutions.

 

[Roy Nel]

Hi Your behaviour around women is worrying, please get help with your urges. Perhaps your obsession with getting married is damaging your well being? Aspergers is a neurological condition that may have mental health issues attached, it isn't a mental condition but a triad of impairements and a different way of being.Your use of the word 'retarded' is not kind, do you mean people with learning difficulties? In my opinion a shared passion or interest is not a guarantee of being inseperable or having a lifelong marriage.Life and people's wants and needs can change and 'things going wrong' can be a opportunity for those in a relationship to grow in acceptance of each other and find solutions.

Hi Giraffes,

Thanks for your input. Good advice! You were very helpful, and I agree with everything you said. Are you neurotypical by any chance? If you are, you seem to understand us neurodiverse people very well!

I'm sorry if the word "retarded" was rather harsh; I did mean people with learning disabilities and/or ladies who need to remain in special facilities for the mentally handicapped, because they won't cope or survive in the outside world. I did once meet a lady like that who turned out to be a pathological liar. She told me she was unhappy in her facility due to "verbal abuse", and I'm such a gentleman, I will always defend "damsels in distress". Especially when she said she'd love to marry me (I'd first met her quite a number of years ago as a platonic friend, and suddenly bumped into each other again when she gave me a phone call, so I thought we could advance to marriage), but we hadn't had contact for a long time - I'm so dumb!

You'd be surprised how defensive this gentlemanly "knight in shining armour" can get with ladies that I think are in trouble, and are marriage prospects. My Mom and I, very often, have these verbal tugs-of-war over many ladies I get involved with where I say "But Mom! She said she loves me and wants to marry me! I'm so happy about that!", then my Mom will come with "you can't, but I can see she's trouble - dump her immediately and send her back to where she came from!" I got so overly defensive of her that my Mom, by some Miracle, managed to remove her from my life though we were living on different continents at the time, and there wasn't a thing I could do to get her back. If I'd tried to "rescue" her again from her facility, I would've been arrested for kidnapping! I was broken-hearted, mopey, sulky and depressed for a long time after that.

But don't worry! I'm having video chats with about a couple of autism spectrum professionals soon, so I think I'll get the help I need. Thanks for your concern!

 

[Giraffes]

I have a diagnosis of Aspergers Roy Nel in answer to your question.