In relationships - sensory issues, emotional sentitivity, communication

[sisselcakes]

Greetings again.

I wanted to run some things by all of you, as I've gotten great feedback and insight on this site. Thanks for the free "therapy". LOL.

So, sadly but not surprisingly, things have been deteriorating between my bf and me. I was on the verge of ending things and had started to pack up my things. We've tried different strategies but I feel as though I'm the one carrying the weight and it's exhausting. This isn't to say he isn't. He tries and does succeed in a lot of ways. His tendency towards sullenness and anxiety is hard to deal with, though. I'm not unsympathetic but that doesn't make it easier to live with.

He is pre-diagnosis and may never be tested. He's too cheap. LOL. Some would accuse me of diagnosing someone close to me and without his having been formally evaluated, but I know what I know. I live it. I work in mental health. I don't care about labels. Bottom line is he has traits that significantly and negatively affect our relationship. He agrees with me on this and is having some "ah ha" moments as we go along.

I have ADHD and some of my behaviors are downright annoying. As you can imagine, he has a hard time grasping why I do certain things like throw myself into interests and then suddenly give them up, losing his things, ruining his things, etc. I've implemented an self-improvement plan of sorts and he does notice I'm better about my irritating behaviors.

So, I'll get to the point. While I know the best way to better understand my bf is by asking him directly and I do; I've noticed that, because this is the first time in his 50 years he's really begun to look at his own quirks, he still thinks some of them are "everybody does that." I have to tell him, no they don't. Because this awareness is newer to him than to me, sometimes I'm the one who is putting two and two together and figuring out what's going on.

Given all this, I'm wondering if anyone out there on this site can relate to the questions I want to ask. I'm curious as to whether or not they seem "right" or "likely", based on your experience, or if I'm totally off base.

We had a great talk last night and I think he agreed with me on some of these, but may need time to process the ideas.

1) My bf is very skittish about blood. Without going into gory detail, I will say that in my occasional forgetfulness, I will forget to check for and clean up any remnants of blood in the restroom. If he comes across it, he robotically tells me "please clean up your mess in the bathroom". I recently listened to a therapist on youtube, who is also on the spectrum. She said disturbing images can cause people with ASD to short circuit. I'm wondering if this extreme aversion to blood is a sensory thing. He says this is why he doesn't like horror movies and has always been this way.

2) He has a thing about leaving a wad of toilet paper in the toilet, even if it's been flushed and the tp isn't gross. He also has an issue with me leaving wet paper towels in the kitchen sink. He tries to control himself but it makes him really angry because he's says it doesn't make sense. He doesn't understand why I do it. (It doesn't, I agree). Could these be sensory/visual annoyances, or would you see them more as the frustration of something being illogical and not being able to understand the behaviors? I've told him in the past that I don't have an answer for some of the things other than it might be neurological bc of the ADHD. I said if you really want to know, go read some material on it.

3) He got so angry after the US elections bc I became obsessed with the news and was getting involved in activist groups. He harped on me that it was bad for my mental health and it wasn't going to do anything anyway. He wanted me to do something "productive" (his definition, of course). Given the fact I become passionate about things and then drop them, its no surprise I've backed off quite a bit. I thought it was a difference in political beliefs but I'm thinking now that my high emotion around the issues may have been overwhelming to him.

Pardon my hyper-verbal self! Any feedback and thoughts are much appreciated.

 

[Judge]

Clearly you both have your fair share of issues.

However they don't in any way mitigate mutual compatibility either, IMO. I just can't imagine remaining in such a perceived toxic relationship for very long.

Even though such differences may reflect neurology and involuntary traits and behaviors, it doesn't alter the impact of your mutual incompatibility. Some things just aren't meant to be.

 

[kay]

Have you guys considered keeping the relationship but just living separately or at least having separate bathrooms? I can understand your bf, to some degree, the wet paper towels in the sink, blood, and toilet paper are all icky. You guys might be able to work on the issues and keep living together, but living together isn't required. I know a couple who have been married for 30 years who live in separate houses. They are both NT as far as I know, but somehow being in the same house wasn't worth ruining the marriage for. I think they live on the same street.

 

[sisselcakes]

Clearly you both have your fair share of issues.

However they don't in any way mitigate mutual compatibility either, IMO. I just can't imagine remaining in such a perceived toxic relationship for very long.

Even though such differences may reflect neurology and involuntary traits and behaviors, it doesn't alter the impact of your mutual incompatibility. Some things just aren't meant to be.

Hi Judge,

Your point is well taken. There may be no remedy. It's a ton of effort and very tiring. I also have my own issues to contend with. We just may be a mismatch. For some reason I have refused to give up, but maybe I need to rip off the Band-Aid!

 

[sisselcakes]

Have you guys considered keeping the relationship but just living separately or at least having separate bathrooms? I can understand your bf, to some degree, the wet paper towels in the sink, blood, and toilet paper are all icky. You guys might be able to work on the issues and keep living together, but living together isn't required. I know a couple who have been married for 30 years who live in separate houses. They are both NT as far as I know, but somehow being in the same house wasn't worth ruining the marriage for. I think they live on the same street.

Hi there.

Funny you ask about the option of living separately. I still have my own place and have thought of this as an option. I'm in my late 40's and have no desire to marry. This would be something I would consider.

It is icky for sure! Some of these things, no matter what the basis, may just point to incompatibility. Something I need to consider seriously.

I do like your feedback. Thanks for taking the time to write back.

 

[Buzzerfly]

Hi,
Im an NT married to an autistic man. I also have bad eyesight, so sometimes I've missed a spot of blood when cleaning. He usually just cleans it up and that's that. Sometimes he tells me he did. Either way, it doesn't matter to him. We've lived together for 7 years. Poo, urine, blood etc can be a little gross, but to him, wiping up a bit of blood is no different than wiping our children's butts...something you do for someone you love.

I think many squeamish issues between couples, caregivers/those they help or parent/children come from a lack of love between the two. My husband leaves dirty socks everywhere and misses when he pees. So what? He's my mate. But if he wasn't...maybe those things would be bothersome. I help him, he helps me.

And also, I'm sure there are also people out there in relationships that punish one another for the lack of love by intentionally being gross. That would be ineffective and uncool.

 

[Questella]

Girls bleed, it sucks and it's gross but yeah sorry, not sorry. He'll do a dance when you start menopause xD I can't count how many times I've woken up in a pool of blood, my mattress is fx'd. On the worse day or two it gets everywhere and I can't be bothered to do anything about it when my cramps are so bad I can't even move or think. Luckily my dude worked in a bar (gentlemens club) for so long blood and even throw up doesn't even phase him. The litter box and a sink trap he won't come close to though but those things don't phase me so it's a bit of a tradeoff there. Could you do what dudes do when they stink up a bathroom and just tell him not to go in there until further notice? Provided you have a second one...

Paper towels in the sink? Should you possibly get another trash can? I have like 7 trash cans throughout my house since people (myself included) don't ever like to walk more than 2 steps to throw something away. I just have a rule about food only in the main kitchen can.

My dude doesn't ever make sure the toilet is flushed and my son often comes running to me upset that daddy left a mess in his toilet, very aggravating.

 

[MrSpock]

I hate to see someone I care about hurt themselves, and if I believe that I can stop them I feel obliged to try. He may have found your emotional state regarding the elections difficult because of this. He may have wished that you did something that made you feel better rather than getting worked up, and consider that which positively affects your well-being as productive. If so, he may have been misreading the situation, as may I when suggesting this. Just throwing ideas your way.

 

[Lady Penelope]

I watched an interview with an author who wrote about relationships and was asked her secret to a long lasting one.
Her answer; separate bathrooms.

After living with someone, I tend to agree. I was lucky in that we had an apartment with 2 bathrooms - so we had a Men's and a Women's

... didn't keep the relationship together but it did stop us from killing each other

 

[sisselcakes]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies.

After talking to him, I learned that the paper towel thing is sensory thing. It makes him feel "grossed out". I get that. In spite of that, I thought about what Judge so bluntly above. I think I needed something that honest because I couldn't shake his words. My bf and I are just toxic together. Sad, but things don't always work out the way we plan.

I was so enthusiastic about making a plan with him but there are some essential things he just can't or won't "get". For example, the one cardinal rule you never break with a woman (and if you do because you don't know any better, you'd better not do it again once you're informed it's a huge faux pas and relationship killer), is commenting on her weight, level of fitness, etc. especially if you aren't someone who can make up for it in other ways (e.g, making her feel loved with verbal reassurances. He doesn't do those). He is obsessed with his own fitness and weight. He superimposes his own values on me. I feel constantly harangued. I can't deal with it.

It only took last night when I found myself secretly sneaking some chips in the kitchen while he watched TV. WTH? I'm an adult. That's just PATHETIC. I'm embarrassed to admit I was even participating in the dynamic. We all have our eye opening moments, though!

I think he has some stubbornness and rigidity (he's always right) related to AS but he also seems to be somewhat of a d!ck- judgmental. I was writing a lot of his behaviors as neurologically based, meaning the ASD.

For the record, not that it matters really, but I feel compelled to point out I am not fat in the least. Sigh. So now I'm on to the sucky break up moment. Ugh.

I'm ever grateful for everyone's kind feedback. Maybe I'll be back on here when I meet my next Aspie. LOL.

 

[sisselcakes]

Hi,
Im an NT married to an autistic man. I also have bad eyesight, so sometimes I've missed a spot of blood when cleaning. He usually just cleans it up and that's that. Sometimes he tells me he did. Either way, it doesn't matter to him. We've lived together for 7 years. Poo, urine, blood etc can be a little gross, but to him, wiping up a bit of blood is no different than wiping our children's butts...something you do for someone you love.

I think many squeamish issues between couples, caregivers/those they help or parent/children come from a lack of love between the two. My husband leaves dirty socks everywhere and misses when he pees. So what? He's my mate. But if he wasn't...maybe those things would be bothersome. I help him, he helps me.

And also, I'm sure there are also people out there in relationships that punish one another for the lack of love by intentionally being gross. That would be ineffective and uncool.

Your comments really made me stop and think. It's so very true. You do go out of the way for someone you love. I get that people have their limitations but his are just too overwhelming to me. I feel I never have a moment of peace because I have to constantly ensure I'm not doing something that will stress him out. He's already moody. Needs meds, honestly, but would never agree. That's another of his fixations. Meds are bad, so never accepted that I take them. Geez, just writing this out makes me face reality. I'm glad you have a happy marriage.

 

[sisselcakes]

Girls bleed, it sucks and it's gross but yeah sorry, not sorry. He'll do a dance when you start menopause xD I can't count how many times I've woken up in a pool of blood, my mattress is fx'd. On the worse day or two it gets everywhere and I can't be bothered to do anything about it when my cramps are so bad I can't even move or think. Luckily my dude worked in a bar (gentlemens club) for so long blood and even throw up doesn't even phase him. The litter box and a sink trap he won't come close to though but those things don't phase me so it's a bit of a tradeoff there. Could you do what dudes do when they stink up a bathroom and just tell him not to go in there until further notice? Provided you have a second one...

Paper towels in the sink? Should you possibly get another trash can? I have like 7 trash cans throughout my house since people (myself included) don't ever like to walk more than 2 steps to throw something away. I just have a rule about food only in the main kitchen can.

My dude doesn't ever make sure the toilet is flushed and my son often comes running to me upset that daddy left a mess in his toilet, very aggravating.

Love your message. So honest and real.

I've thought of some concrete solutions like you mentioned. I think I'm in a place where I'm just pooped. I've been the one to read everything I can get my hands on, watch videos, see a therapist, etc. It just too much effort. And we don't have kids or anything that would motivate me to keep trying.

My therapist, some time ago when I was having a lot of anxiety related to being on the dating scene, gave me a general guideline to consider about whether I wanted to continue in any given fledgling relationship. He asked if I had fun with him 80% of the time. At the time, the answer was "yes". Now, it's like 5%. Very sad but so telling.

Wish you the best of luck! Thanks again.

 

[sisselcakes]

I hate to see someone I care about hurt themselves, and if I believe that I can stop them I feel obliged to try. He may have found your emotional state regarding the elections difficult because of this. He may have wished that you did something that made you feel better rather than getting worked up, and consider that which positively affects your well-being as productive. If so, he may have been misreading the situation, as may I when suggesting this. Just throwing ideas your way.

Hi MrSpock,

Throw those ideas my way! You could be right about the high emotion. He comes across as unemotional, but once he "gets" that a loved one is hurting, he does show compassion.

In spite of this, there seem to be too many of these misunderstandings. The other night we went to a sports bar and I talked while he watched the hockey game. It doesn't bother me in the least because he actually is a good listener and he was still engaged in the convo. This is such a typical female thing and so NOT a guy thing, but I walked away from that night with some good insights. I learned some things about him and about our relationship. The next day I said "let's do an activity. Let's each write down three new things we learned last night." I know that sounds like torture for a guy, but I'm trying to work with his task-orientation (activities). Well, I came up with like 6 things. He said he hadn't learned anything. Then he did come around and say he actually learned that it makes me happy to talk. LOL. Maybe that was a pretty good for him.

At any rate, I'm going off on a tangent. I'm just so dang tired. Can't do this anymore. I need to end this. It's really going to suck but I think it would suck worse to stay much longer. thanks!

 

[sisselcakes]

I watched an interview with an author who wrote about relationships and was asked her secret to a long lasting one.
Her answer; separate bathrooms.

After living with someone, I tend to agree. I was lucky in that we had an apartment with 2 bathrooms - so we had a Men's and a Women's

... didn't keep the relationship together but it did stop us from killing each other

I bet separate bathrooms could be effective. I bet, in some cases, even separate bedrooms. LOL.

 

[Atreyu]

Why not give it a go with moving out (or doing the separate bathrooms at least) while trying to maintain the relationship first? It could be that this tension is what's clouding a decent relationship.
Not everyone can control what squicks them out. I can't deal with vomit in any capacity, for instance, and it freaks me out terribly. If blood or any other thing upsets him, then it is what it is. No diagnosis will fix that.

I also would not do well with the pop quiz of what I learned that was 'new' about someone, even if I was listening the whole time. And then that fact would make me feel pretty guilty, too. I'm not saying that this activity that you did together was a bad or wrong thing or at all, but some people socialize, learn and remember things differently. I learn a lot of new things about my friends regularly, but I can't honestly tell you when, where or how I learned it.

That said, you (and he) are the only one(s) who can feel the heartbeat of this relationship. None of us can give you solid advice on what you should do. It could be that these issues could be fixed with some moving arrangements and/or space, or it could be that they simply exacerbate other issues instead. At the end of the day, only you will know what's best for you. Nobody else. I wish you both luck regardless.