In Search Of My Place - Looking Into Aspergers

[DTFrontMan]

I'd like to start by saying hello, my name is Jeffrey. There's been a lot of thinking on my part about doing something like this, though I'm not entirely sure how to go about it so please bare with me.

I'm a 26 year old male from southern California who was diagnosed with depression in his teens and anxiety as a young adult. I've been prone to serious anxiety attacks my whole adult life (some of these going days without letting up), and the cause of them has been unknown to me since their start. These last years I've been fighting to address my anxiety, and largely have it under control with medication and routine etc. At this point I am doing well for myself, I have a good job and my own apartment (lonely but liberating). With my anxiety going away though I'm finding myself very confused about social interaction. There was a joke I told a while back that was something like "watch, I'm going to get over my anxiety and find out I'm really a jerk". This is where I'm at but I know I'm not a jerk, I'm just finding that I don't understand people and often don't know how to respond in an expected manner. So I have been trying to put my effort into understanding people but also understanding myself. Something that's come up numerous times is Aspergers and I decided I want to put serious interest into seeing if that could be me. My search has led me here to something that seems very welcoming.

I read over the wiki page after seeing another documentary with a kid that reminded me of myself, and was surprised to see how much it sounded like me. So I went through the page taking out quotes and adding my own notes about how they related to me, then I sent it to my mom and second oldest of two brothers. She said that it is a possibility, and that it also sounds a lot like my father (who passed little more than a year ago). My brother has his doubts about it and wonders why I want to label myself. Aside from them I'm not sure who to ask for opinion, they've been around me more than anyone else and are most familiar with how I've acted over the years.

I'm hoping mostly for a point in the right direction, I felt compelled to start I dialog somehow. I know the best thing to do would be getting diagnosed by a psychiatrist but I'm having mixed feelings about an absolute answer. Recently I'd been feeling like things finally make sense, all this stuff from my past with dots getting connected. It has me thinking that my anxiety about social interaction has been a misunderstanding, from un-needed pressure I put on myself to think a certain way. If I get an official "no" I worry that it would bring me back to the confusion, but an official "yes" would reinforce this feeling of homecoming. I'd be happy to provide my notes from the Wiki page if any has interest in reading. Any advice will be appreciated.

 

[DTFrontMan]

My mom seems to be pretty convinced at this point, we have been talking about my times getting bullied in school and connecting the dots. Much of my issue that causes anxiety are related to social issues as a kid, and I've been surprised how similar the circumstances are to problems I'm having presently. The problems I've had with dating and other social interaction are my difficulties showing interest in other people and activities.

I should mention that I am self employed as a graphic artist, I work from home and make my own hours. All of my business is conducted online, I sell assets to other artists through an online store and take contracts when they come up. So I don't really have an office to go to in the morning aside from the one a room over from where I wake up. Since I'm able to make my own hours I consistently put in 16 hour days, starting work after I wake and going to sleep when I feel I've done enough. This means I don't get out much though, I'm alone 90% of the time aside from the two dogs I have. All of my coworkers come in the form of avatars and text which I'm really comfortable with, it was a job that fit my inability to work well in physical groups and something I was able to pour all my focus into.

 

[Perkinsj88]

I have often dreamed of such a job. I made attempts at coding and 3d design and ect ect. Had my hopes high after selling a decent amount of resale products on ebay only to find ebay taking nearly all of what was my profit margin. I often fear I will spend my life on disability if I ever deciee to apply. As of now, I'm unemployed and collecting unemployment, I find myself in self isolation atm and proba ly for some time now. I just self diagnosed myself with aspergers a few weeks ago, it all fits me so perfectly. If you would like another opinion or just some extra reaffirming before seeking a professional diagnosis feel free to send me your notes. I too have started a journal and it reaffirms my diagnosis even more. Anyways, send it my way and ill let ya know what I think.

 

[total-recoil]

Do you find it difficult to relate to family, people at work and girls? Do you feel as if you are ignored? Do you sometimes feel isolated? Does sudden noise have an effect on you? Do other people view you as "odd"? Do you become very obsessive over your hobbies and interests? Do you follow a routine every day and wear clothes that feel "right"? Do you sometimes space out and get lost in thought and do you think differently than the norm ( different approach). This is part of a summary of asperger traits. The best way for you to investigate further would be read up on Hans Asperger's conclusions on the issue and find out as much as you can. Keep an open mind and be objective as you learn more.
P.S. I used to have severe anxiety and panic and so on when I was younger but seem to have gotten over it but I did have a very bad time of it.

I'd like to start by saying hello, my name is Jeffrey. There's been a lot of thinking on my part about doing something like this, though I'm not entirely sure how to go about it so please bare with me.

I'm a 26 year old male from southern California who was diagnosed with depression in his teens and anxiety as a young adult. I've been prone to serious anxiety attacks my whole adult life (some of these going days without letting up), and the cause of them has been unknown to me since their start. These last years I've been fighting to address my anxiety, and largely have it under control with medication and routine etc. At this point I am doing well for myself, I have a good job and my own apartment (lonely but liberating). With my anxiety going away though I'm finding myself very confused about social interaction. There was a joke I told a while back that was something like "watch, I'm going to get over my anxiety and find out I'm really a jerk". This is where I'm at but I know I'm not a jerk, I'm just finding that I don't understand people and often don't know how to respond in an expected manner. So I have been trying to put my effort into understanding people but also understanding myself. Something that's come up numerous times is Aspergers and I decided I want to put serious interest into seeing if that could be me. My search has led me here to something that seems very welcoming.

I read over the wiki page after seeing another documentary with a kid that reminded me of myself, and was surprised to see how much it sounded like me. So I went through the page taking out quotes and adding my own notes about how they related to me, then I sent it to my mom and second oldest of two brothers. She said that it is a possibility, and that it also sounds a lot like my father (who passed little more than a year ago). My brother has his doubts about it and wonders why I want to label myself. Aside from them I'm not sure who to ask for opinion, they've been around me more than anyone else and are most familiar with how I've acted over the years.

I'm hoping mostly for a point in the right direction, I felt compelled to start I dialog somehow. I know the best thing to do would be getting diagnosed by a psychiatrist but I'm having mixed feelings about an absolute answer. Recently I'd been feeling like things finally make sense, all this stuff from my past with dots getting connected. It has me thinking that my anxiety about social interaction has been a misunderstanding, from un-needed pressure I put on myself to think a certain way. If I get an official "no" I worry that it would bring me back to the confusion, but an official "yes" would reinforce this feeling of homecoming. I'd be happy to provide my notes from the Wiki page if any has interest in reading. Any advice will be appreciated.

 

[DTFrontMan]

Thank you both very much for your replies.

I have often dreamed of such a job. I made attempts at coding and 3d design and ect ect....

I'd also tried coding and had some success but it required too much additional information for me, I like to get results from the things I do faster than coding lets. Most literally all of my time has been put into these hobbies of mine, which makes me better at the crafts. I was just lucky to get into something I could profit from, it's not something I went into looking for work. So if coding or 3D design are something you like and feel you're good at I'd suggest sticking with it. There's a video I watch regularly that's of Neil Gaiman (writer) making a speech about the arts...

As for my notes let me put them here for others too...

"impaired nonverbal behaviors in areas such as eye contact, facial expression, posture, and gesture"

I've always had trouble with eye contact, I've always felt awkward smiling. I always sit with my legs folded Indian style (even in my office chair), and often feel on the spot or out of place standing amongst people.

"The cognitive ability of children with AS often allows them to articulate social norms in a laboratory context,[1] where they may be able to show a theoretical understanding of other people's emotions; however, they typically have difficulty acting on this knowledge in fluid, real-life situations."

I think this is why I am so comfortable communicating in text rather than speech. When things are dynamic I'm easily confused and mixed up, but I have understanding of these things when going at my own pace.

"People with Asperger syndrome often display behavior, interests, and activities that are restricted and repetitive and are sometimes abnormally intense or focused. They may stick to inflexible routines, move in stereotyped and repetitive ways, or preoccupy themselves with parts of objects.[27]"

Going back as a kid I'm picturing these Technozoid robots I'd build from many pieces and video games I played, which every kid does but not the number of hours I put on Final Fantasy 6 at ten years old. Later on I put all my hours into my music. Then I spent late nights working on making a game I never finished, which got me into rendering random designs and art. My intense focus on hobby turned into intense focus on work, where I often do things like rename and change values for 100s of presets and to many repetitive visual tests.

"Individuals with AS may collect volumes of detailed information on a relatively narrow topic such as weather data or star names, without necessarily having a genuine understanding of the broader topic.[1][8]"

I play guitar, piano and other things and can compose songs yet I don't know how to read music. Most I've done has been self taught so my view is narrow and I don't know "correct methods" for things. I've often felt undeserving of my place in work, writing music for Nintendo DS games and what I do now because of this. The way I've learned is "what do I do to make it work the way I want", I didn't care about proper finger positions on the keyboard (computer or music) and I've hardly read manuals for the software I use in work.

"Three aspects of communication patterns are of clinical interest: poor prosody, tangential and circumstantial speech, and marked verbosity."

I believe poor prosody is why I mumble ( the rhythm, stress, and intonation of speech ). I'm very bad about getting to the point of things, especially when fighting. My ex used to hate that about me, I'd go out of my way telling stories trying to help her understand how I felt about things. Usually with a lot of "metaphor meaningful to only the speaker" which is another trait on that page.

"Individuals with AS may fail to monitor whether the listener is interested or engaged in the conversation. The speaker's conclusion or point may never be made, and attempts by the listener to elaborate on the speech's content or logic, or to shift to related topics, are often unsuccessful.[8]"

Most of my anxiety in small groups of people comes from saying something that contributes to the conversation at hand, maintaining interest of people involved and not disrupting flow. In verbal communication it's often because I worry about getting my point across clearly, but I always worry that people understand me the way my intentions are.

"Children with AS may have an unusually sophisticated vocabulary at a young age and have been colloquially called "little professors""

I remember having a good understanding of words going through school, a couple of teachers thought I would be a writer. My reading was at a fifth grade level in second grade, story based video games helped improve my vocabulary yet I'm very bad at remembering names.

"They may be poorly coordinated, or have an odd or bouncy gait or posture, poor handwriting, or problems with visual-motor integration... They may show problems with proprioception (sensation of body position) on measures of apraxia (motor planning disorder), balance,tandem gait, and finger-thumb apposition"

I don't know that I'm poorly coordinated but I put a lot of focus into all of my movements, my walking feels like it takes a lot of thought and it's hard to meaningfully do something else at the same time. I'm very uncomfortable when gracefulness is on spot, often feels like I look weird doing things. Proprioception isn't something I have but interesting that this is what my friend's sister has, and the fish oil helps us both a lot.​

...Keep an open mind and be objective as you learn more.

There are certain people I relate really well with, but for the most part it's difficult. As for girls I don't do well with the ones who seem to want me chasing them, I have trouble reading them so my best relationships were with those who were forward with feelings and clingy etc. Through text though it's not usually any issue, with anyone. I do feel ignored, I've mostly chalked that up to my anxiety and quiet demeanor. I'm isolated in the sense that I don't have anyone to really connect with. I've certainly always been the odd one out, elementary school I was bullied and didn't have many friends. Middle school was a fresh start with new kids and I ended up the class clown when I figured out I could make people laugh, goofing off and doing stupid stuff was my way of fitting in until the anxiety started and I ended up secluded.

I don't know how to measure my obsessiveness over my hobbies, there's a lot of different things that I do so it's not one thing that takes my time. There's days where I have a song in me and spend 12 hours straight getting it out, others where I have an idea for a product or some cool visual trick I want to try where I'll hammer away in graphics software until 5am. Other days I can't decide what I want to do, I'll switch between quick tests and playing games for an hour then watch some TV. It seems I'm always full focus but switch between a group of things randomly.

My routine isn't on certain times but it's largely the same everyday, on normal days. More or less it's just working and waking my dogs three times a day, eating dinner around 6 and again around 11 (I usually wake up late and don't eat breakfast). I'd say at least 50% of my time is spent spaced out, my work has a lot of "render times" where I let my computer think while waiting for results. I've always spent a lot of time in my head though, I remember even as a kid of 8 or so I'd space out on my vision and wonder how the colors worked. Times at recess in elementary when kids wouldn't play with me I'd spend thinking usually, middle school I'd be writing or drawing.

I've been doing what you suggest and looking into everything best I can. It seems really likely that my dad had this as well if I'm on the right track, a lot of the things I had in common with him are traits of Aspergers. Right now I'm mostly wondering what's in store for me. Kind of feels like I've spent my 26 years trying to be someone I'm not, and I'm only now figuring out who I am. Right now I'm up in Yosemite though, which I am kind of considering my trip to find myself. This time last year I had no divers license, no car and a fear of driving. Today I drove 400 miles by myself, to spend 3 nights in Mariposa getting photo resources for work.