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In Shock

Pinkie B

Pinkie B

Just Me
Hi.

I just found out that I'm on the autistic spectrum. I'm 35 and I have two Ivy League degrees. I'm a professor (though probably not for much longer) and I live in Japan. I've spent my whole life struggling with the same issues that I always thought I could eventually train myself out of -- issues like shutting down when I'm overstimulated, always interrupting people and never knowing if I'm doing the conversation thing right, suddenly finding that people that I thought were my friends now hate me and want me crucified (they never explain why), and more -- and I've had limited success at best. I've been officially diagnosed with ADHD and chronic anxiety and I somehow thought that it was me, that I just needed to "be better" or practice my relaxation or my time management techniques more and that somehow I'd become normal or something.

But now realizing that I'm autistic (Aspergers? I know there is no official distinction anymore), it suddenly all makes sense.

...and even as it makes sense, I feel an intense loss and also relief. And also like I just woke up naked in Time's Square (or Shinjuku. Whatever).

I don't know how to process all of this. I finally understand why so much of my life has been so disorientingly difficult, but I don't know how to live with this new identity. I feel quite alone and exposed.

So I'm hoping that maybe just talking to some other people "like me" will help. I've never had the experience of knowing anyone who I felt was like me before, so I guess I'm excited, even as I'm terrified.

As we say in Japan, yoroshiku ne!

-Pink
 
I picked up a few Japanese words and concepts.

Like karoshi.
Pertinent as working for a local authority, nobody did any work.

On my stairs at home is the phrase

Nana korobi Ya oshi

Which fits for the new world you're walking into,after realisation.

But, I guess it applies to the old one too!

Welcome.
 
Warm welkome to the forums

I understand how this must make you feel BUT what you need to do is try to take a few DEEP breath and calm down . You are STILL exactly the person you were before this diagnose & NOTHING else have changed other then you now have gotten a new diagnose that explains youre problems in life . And i seriously dought you will loose youre job or previous Ivy League degrees.

If you check my profile you see im also Multiple diagnosed so if you want to talk my Pm is right there
 
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Sarah S said:
Warm welkome to the forums

I understand how this must make you feel BUT what you need to do is try to take a few DEEP breath and calm down . You are STILL exactly the person you were before this diagnose & NOTHING else have changed other then you now have gotten a new diagnose that explains youre problems in life . And i seriously dought you will loose youre job or previous Ivy League degrees.

If you check my profile you see im also Multiple diagnosed so if you whant to talk my Pm is right there
Click to expand...

Thank you! I'm actually choosing to quit. I've known for a long time that this job is killing me. I'm choosing to be closer to my family, which is being very supportive.

@Bolletje and @Fridgemagnetman , thank you also for your kind welcome.
 
Pinkie B said:
Thank you! I'm actually choosing to quit. I've known for a long time that this job is killing me. I'm choosing to be closer to my family, which is being very supportive.

@Bolletje and @Fridgemagnetman , thank you also for your kind welcome.
Click to expand...

Youre very welkome , I compleatly understand i had no choice either then stepping down from my WAY lower job as well and i have been forced to go on permanent disability (actually around youre age as well ) . Its good and VITAL that you have youre supporting family i have the same.

The most important advice i can give you is DROP the guilt neither one of us have chosen to be born with our diagnosis and problems. And reg youre friends if they cant or dont want to acept the REEL you with ALL youre diagnosis or different social problems then they are NOT youre reel friends. ( i dont have many REEL friends and most is on line or spred all over the country and globe BUT they ALL know ALL about me and my diagnosis etc... And they have ALL accepted me as i am.
 
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Hi Pinkie B, and welcome. I was 59 when I figured it out and was diagnosed. It IS SUCH a relief, and a bit confusing. More emotions are yet to come. But you don't have a new identity - you're still you. You've just figured out who that you is. :) So just keep being you and it may be easier now that you know WHY you do certain things, you can be more accepting of it. I know I certainly am. I quit fighting myself on the 'shoulds' - should be more social, should go out more, should this and should that. Now that I understand why certain things are so difficult that I always tried to tell myself that, as a person, I'm obligated to do, I quit being so hard on myself.
 
Pinkie B said:
I've been officially diagnosed with ADHD and chronic anxiety and I somehow thought that it was me, that I just needed to "be better" or practice my relaxation or my time management techniques more and that somehow I'd become normal or something.

But now realizing that I'm autistic (Aspergers? I know there is no official distinction anymore), it suddenly all makes sense.
Click to expand...

Indeed, it's quite a revelation once one has figured it out.

Welcome to the club. You're in good company, having found your tribe. ;)
 
Hi Pinkie :)

welcome to af.png
 
Pinkie B said:
...and even as it makes sense, I feel an intense loss and also relief. And also like I just woke up naked in Time's Square (or Shinjuku. Whatever).
Click to expand...

I find it helps to look on the bright side. Its spring. At least it didn't happen in January. In Vladistok.

;)

But seriously, it sounds like you are finding out during a crisis which is a double whammy. Hopefully in time, the self realizations and new insight will help you on the road ahead.
 
Welcome! I hope you find this forum to be as welcoming and helpful as I have.

Don't expect to be able to process and absorb it all immediately - give yourself time.

It can be a shock to suddenly slap an "autistic" label on yourself, but you are the same person you were before you applied the label. Nothing has changed except your knowledge about yourself. Hopefully, this will lead you to increased understanding.

One of the best ways that my diagnosis has helped me is in realizing I've been "reading the wrong manual" my whole life. I would look at how other people function and try to do the same. If I couldn't function the same way, I would think that I was being a prima donna (and expecting special treatment), or not trying hard enough.

The diagnosis exposed the truth - I'm not built to function like others. It's like I was a bulldozer in a Formula One race. I can't do everything the other racecars do, but I've found that I can do things they can't.
 
Welcome Pinkie,

Just remember that along with the negative, high functioning autism often has have positive traits that you can use to your advantage (I've seen it referred to elsewhere as having Superpowers and Kryptonite).

As you have been able to have a successful career until now you must have quite a few positive traits, discover exactly what they are and use them!!
 
Hi Pinkie. Welcome. :)

I'm your age (turning 36 in a couple months), and still adjusting to life as an autistic person. What that means for me is that I am pulling back from making myself understand and adjust to everyone else, and using my preferred methods of communication to request (and if absolutely necessary, demand) what accommodations I need.

I am self-diagnosed. Events that have occurred over the past couple of weeks have made me revisit the topic of official evaluation and diagnosis. I have an appointment tomorrow with my NP, so I am going to bring up these events and my thoughts surrounding them. I've already been in touch with my neuropsych about them as well. It's a very long, tough, haphazard road, especially for those of us who discover we have autism later on in life.

Anyway. Welcome again. This is a great community. It helped me re-affirm who I am and feel more comfortable about "dropping the mask."
 
Hi Pink - It's very easy for me to identify greatly with what you are feeling, but instead of waking up naked in Times Square, I felt as if I had been depositing all my money into someone else's bank account for the past 40 years. I'll trade nightmares with you any day.

The good part about knowing about Aspergers/ASD is that I now have answers to a ton of questions that had plagued me all my life. I questioned everything because I couldn't figure out why I was smart and capable, yet insecure with geek habits and interests. Knowing doesn't change anything, except I now understand my intensities, my fears, my passions, my peculiar interests, and my unexplained success and failure in different parts of my world. The mysteries were over.

The negative side of knowing is that I can too easily replay my life in slo-mo and see where I made decisions I would have avoided had I known about my short-comings. I wasted a lot of energy trying my best, just to keep up with others. I took everything that I did well easily for granted. The combination made no sense to me, and they were unavoidable anyway. Nothing has changed. I know what has been influencing me in life, but I never regret being more fearless that cautious. It's like taking chances without knowing the odds. I never knew the odds, so I always took chances. Sometimes good, sometimes not. I always bounced back, and I had adventures in the process.

The danger is when you regret, and it's easy to regret when you realize you were ASD all along. I had been through specialized intellectual assessments in my junior high years, and nothing remotely ASD came up. It wasn't understood at that time. I got a confidence boost from all the testing, but the obstacles in my way were never pointed out to me. I never saw them, so I maintained my adventurous ways. I just gravitated toward interests and let other things slide. If something didn't work out, I accepted it. My innocence and enthusiasm kept me rolling. I refuse to cry over spilt milk more than once. It's a personal philosophy.

Hindsight being what it is can interfere with a healthy view of the world. I don't use Aspergers as either an excuse or a defense. It's an explanation that matters only to me. I'm just really happy to know, and I have no right to be angry. God gave me other attributes for which I am grateful.
 
Hello Pinkie,

Mind blowing isn't it? :)
Kind of stops you dead in your tracks to question,
"I'm what!!?"

Welcome to the forum :)
 
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