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Inappropriate touching by boyfriend’s brother

Rashidah Tanksley

Rashidah Tanksley

New Member
hello everyone!

I have been dating my boyfriend for a couple months and I have noticed that whenever I go to his house his brother tends to touch my legs and my arms and rubs them. I assumed that this was a form of sensory stimulation. I would tell him firmly ‘hands to yourself ‘ and he would then stop but maybe 3 minutes later he would start back at it. I told my boyfriend that the behavior makes me uncomfortable and we agreed to stay close to one another when I come over in order to lower the amount of occurrences. Yesterday, my boyfriend went to the bathroom and the brother came in and began rubbing my thigh and semi thrusting his hips. He has never attempted this behavior when others have been around. I got up and walked out of the room. When I told my boyfriend what happened he stated that his brother did not know what he was doing. It made me angry. I am currently a special education teacher getting my masters in special education : autism track and I 100% know that is an excuse. I have come over many times and heard his mother chastise the brother for touching himself outside of his bedroom. He does have an understanding that this ‘feeling’ he has is only to be handled when he is in his bedroom. I feel that he was more willing to engage in this behavior due to the fact I was alone. I have the feeling that his parents assume I should be able to handle the behavior due to my background and I don’t really think my boyfriend and his family understand the severity of this behavior. Even though I am going to school to work with individuals with the same problem behaviors I do not know how to handle this situation. Please assist if possible .
 
Rashidah Tanksley said:
o work with individuals with the same problem behaviors
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I find this inherently false and offensive to an extent; not all Autistics will have the apparent stimming issue your SOs Brother has, so please don't assume just because his Brother this does it means all Autistics will do it.

If nothing can be done, then I say if it doesn't stop say you'll file for Sexual Harassment, or the 2 of you need to get out of the house more or at least have your boyfriend be invited to your house. Not doing either of these to help solve this problem seems super counterintuitive to me.
 
Rashidah Tanksley said:
Thanks for your comment and help. I’m sorry you were offended. I understand that this form of sensory stimulation is not a problem behavior for all Individuals with autism. I stated I have worked with individuals with this particular problem behavior.
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you say you've worked with people this this issue yet your post states you're going to school for it which makes this confusing; you can edit your posts by clicking "Edit" which is at the very bottom of your initial post if you wish to correct it
 
Isadoorian said:
you say you've worked with people this this issue yet your post states you're going to school for it which makes this confusing; you can edit your posts by clicking "Edit" which is at the very bottom of your initial post if you wish to correct it
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thanks, still getting used to the forum. Yes, I have worked with individuals with similar issues due to different projects and observations I have had to compete. Of course none of these projects treatments and FBA’s have been implemented however, I have been exposed to individuals with autism who have this particular problem behavior In a clinical setting. I have also observed treatments being implemented. I have been in school for about 2 years or so thefore, I have had opportunities and been exposed to different problem behaviors.
 
@Isadoorian is right in not everyone on the spectrum has this kind of problem behavior and from some past threads, different people here will have differing opinions on this subject. YOU can't fix it, so I would suggest telling your boyfriend you're not comfortable coming over there, or do not allow yourself to be left alone for any amount of time.
I personally believe that inappropriate behavior needs to be stopped and not excused. But possibly, he is an age that this is a new thing they are trying to deal with, which in that case, may take a little time.
 
A teenage student of mine had a similar problem. An autistic student kept touching him and two other students almost daily, as well as saying inappropriate sexual things, like the detailing of sexual fantasies. Teachers wouldn't do anything about it. Eventually, the boy tried to touch my student again and my student shoved him. He fell off his chair to the floor and started crying. It never happened again.

I'd probably do the same. I would shove him if I were the one molested, if verbal chastisement has repeatedly failed. It's not safe for him to think this is excusable.

I'm not saying violence is ever the solution to anything or that I'd be right by doing this, I just believe that's what I would do if that were to somehow happen to me at this time in my life.
 
I have a 24yo, non-verbal, ASD3 daughter. If she gets too hot, she will strip on a whim (and not care who sees her). She has a mental age of 18mos. Her behavior is consistent with that age. She will get redressed with a reminder, as long as she has clothes available to do so.

Occasionally, she will masturbate in a shared living space. We will either redirect her, or we will send her to her room at those times. We have found no way to instill a permanent sense of inhibition in her. There have been (thankfully, few) times that she has given inappropriate attention to my crotch (I had clothes on). I redirected her. We are very huggy, otherwise, but I don't allow that kind of attention.

She has even "rocked her hips" in response to meeting "handsome" strangers. Her mental age did not hinder her sexual maturity. Her doctor says that should settle down when she turns 26.

If your boyfriend's brother is the same way, you will not be able to "correct" the underlying problem. You can enforce boundaries by redirection, and slapping inappropriate hands (if allowed),* etc. If that is enough, that's the best you can do. If that is not enough and he is big enough to overpower you, then you will have to be more decisive in your response, such as not being in a shared space with him.

As to your students, you shouldn't have the same problem, if you have them before puberty.

*Not in a mean or vengeful way, but decisively & deliberately. Firm, but not vindictive.
 
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My LFA nephew tries to inappropriately touch females, including me. When he does it, I slap his hand away - HARD - and tell him to never touch me unless I say it's okay. When he was a teenager, he touched the rear end of a young woman at the grocery store. She whirled around and slapped his face so hard that he fell on the floor. The look of shock on his face was interesting and it seemed to stop him from touching strangers for awhile. Perhaps slapping the hand that inappropriately touches is a form of ABA but it does seem to solicit a positive response from him even though many would claim it is cruel. How else do you get through to someone who knows no social boundaries? I don't want him to be arrested for sexual assault at the grocery store.
 
What a weird family.

Are you sure you want to be involved with people that think it's no big deal when you get sexually assaulted by one of their family members?

I certainly wouldn't escalate the situation. You don't want to get into any possible legal ramifications attached to hitting someone. Just avoid the weirdo families from now on and you should be fine.
 
A lot depends on his mental age as others have suggested. Because most autistics can control themselves better does not mean all autistics can. Doctors frequently prescribe abilify to treat depression in autistics. This has a known side effect of increasing sexual arousal and in some cases uncontrollable sexual desire, gambling etc. If he is taking abilify his doctor needs to be made aware of this behavior. His doctor needs to be made aware regardless.

More info is needed: His age, IQ, medication list. Just because he had been taught to masturbate in his room doesn’t mean he understands or remembers that.
 
@Rashidah Tanksley
Fino said:
A teenage student of mine had a similar problem. An autistic student kept touching him and two other students almost daily, as well as saying inappropriate sexual things, like the detailing of sexual fantasies. Teachers wouldn't do anything about it. Eventually, the boy tried to touch my student again and my student shoved him. He fell off his chair to the floor and started crying. It never happened again.

I'd probably do the same. I would shove him if I were the one molested, if verbal chastisement has repeatedly failed. It's not safe for him to think this is excusable.

I'm not saying violence is ever the solution to anything or that I'd be right by doing this, I just believe that's what I would do if that were to somehow happen to me at this time in my life.
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I agree. If somebody inappropriately touches you, especially repeatedly, then it is alright to get physical. There is no problem with responding in a physical manner. I don't suggest shoving him, though. Maybe just slap his hand, instead.
Mary Terry said:
My LFA nephew
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What is LFA? I somehow never heard of it. Tried googling it, but it only came up with cars. Can you explain?
Mary Terry said:
Perhaps slapping the hand that inappropriately touches is a form of ABA but it does seem to solicit a positive response from him even though many would claim it is cruel. How else do you get through to someone who knows no social boundaries? I don't want him to be arrested for sexual assault at the grocery store.
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I don't think of it as a form of ABA, since it isn't a form of ABA. It is just self-defense, so as I said, you should be able to do that.
Ginseng said:
A lot depends on his mental age as others have suggested. Because most autistics can control themselves better does not mean all autistics can. Doctors frequently prescribe abilify to treat depression in autistics. This has a known side effect of increasing sexual arousal and in some cases uncontrollable sexual desire, gambling etc. If he is taking abilify his doctor needs to be made aware of this behavior. His doctor needs to be made aware regardless.
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I agree, it does depend on the type of medicine. I think I have been prescribed abilify (Aripiprazole) when I was going through a time where I felt depressed last year. It wasn't actually good for me, though. I was experiencing the "suicidal thoughts" side effect of it. I am now not on that medicine, though.

So, if he is taking Aripiprazole, he should probably be taken off of it. It might be a bit dangerous in the long run.
Ginseng said:
More info is needed: His age, IQ, medication list. Just because he had been taught to masturbate in his room doesn’t mean he understands or remembers that.
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Age: Needed.
IQ: Not going to actually give you accurate information. These tests are biased and outdated. There is a thread on here about that in case you want to read more info about it.
Medication list: DEFINITELY needed.
Ginseng said:
Just because he had been taught to masturbate in his room doesn’t mean he understands or remembers that.
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I agree. Just cause he has been taught to touch himself in his room, it really doesn't mean he understands OR remembers that. Puberty can also be hard for kids with more severe cases of autism as the kid Rashidah is talking about has.
 
@Joshua Aaron LFA I think is low functioning autism as opposed to HFA high functioning autism.

Maybe start with the removal of his hand, then a smack the next time, the next time knock him on his butt. :)

I have one of those beeper things that the pitch is one only dogs can hear but it stops them in their tracks. Shame we don't have something like that to use on humans.
 
Joshua Aaron said:
What is LFA? I somehow never heard of it. Tried googling it, but it only came up with cars. Can you explain?
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LFA is low functioning autistic. My nephew is nearly 30 years old, has tested at genius level on IQ tests, is largely non-verbal, and has a deficient mother who allows him to get away with a lot of inappropriate behavior that he is able to control when he is with me.

He was on Abilify for several years because his mother keeps him drugged to make her life easier. She recently told me that she had to take him off Abilify because he developed involuntary muscle twitches, much like tardive dyskinesia (spelling?), which may be permanent. This is a known side effect of Abilify. Gee thanks, Mom. You doped him so much that he may now have another permanent disability, this one visually apparent and likely to increase his stress and anxiety. I don't know what other meds she currently gives him. I don't think he needs any drugs except maybe something natural to help him fall asleep. How can he efficiently learn and live if his mind is always drugged?

Is it a conflict of interest for a psychiatrist to treat both the HFA mother and her LFA son? The only information the psychiatrist receives about him is from his mother and she is known to lie like a rug and to drug him with her own psychotropic medications to keep him compliant with what she wants him to be rather than who he is. I wish I could talk to his doctor but his mother would never agree to that.
 
Mary Terry said:
involuntary muscle twitches, much like tardive dyskinesia
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They now refer to tardive dyskinesia as involuntarily muscle twitches. It makes me angry. I see this as deceptive.

It is not necessarily unethical to treat family members and since it sounds like she is his guardian I don’t think it would be considered unethical. It sounds like they (his mother & medical professionals) took away any possibility of him ever having a voice. So many lost people out there who need someone to help them. It is heartbreaking. It is good that you care.
 
Mary Terry said:
He was on Abilify for several years because his mother keeps him drugged to make her life easier. She recently told me that she had to take him off Abilify because he developed involuntary muscle twitches, much like tardive dyskinesia (spelling?), which may be permanent. This is a known side effect of Abilify. Gee thanks, Mom. You doped him so much that he may now have another permanent disability, this one visually apparent and likely to increase his stress and anxiety. I don't know what other meds she currently gives him. I don't think he needs any drugs except maybe something natural to help him fall asleep. How can he efficiently learn and live if his mind is always drugged?

Is it a conflict of interest for a psychiatrist to treat both the HFA mother and her LFA son? The only information the psychiatrist receives about him is from his mother and she is known to lie like a rug and to drug him with her own psychotropic medications to keep him compliant with what she wants him to be rather than who he is. I wish I could talk to his doctor but his mother would never agree to that.
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Does the child have another parent, such as a good father or step father? If not, I suggest you just report this to the police and let them take care of them. This sounds like abuse and neglect. You sound like you would take care of the child much better. However, so we don't jump to conclusions, can you give me more details, if necessary?
Mary Terry said:
Is it a conflict of interest for a psychiatrist to treat both the HFA mother and her LFA son?
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Also, what do you mean by this? Can you give me more details on this, also?
 
If he gets touchy with you, get touchy with him back by slapping his hand away or moving it away. Keep your distance from him and don't be alone with him.

As far as whether or not he can control himself, it seems to me he is on the low-functioning side of the spectrum. He can't stop himself from doing the things he's not supposed to do, no matter how many times he is told not to do them or stopped. You can't stop him from being inappropriate, but you can make sure you're at a safe distance from him.

And, no, you shouldn't have to put up with this behavior. He has no right to put his hands on your body without your permission, autistic or not. Just understand that he probably will never stop being inappropriate, so you have to set your boundaries and make sure he's not close enough to be able to touch you.
 
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