Inconsistent Social Skill problems?

[The Phantom]

Hi all,


so I've found that I definitely have some social problems, but a lot of them seem kinda varying, and a lot of times I don't seen like I have Aspergers at all. This came to my attention yesterday, so I'll give you examples from yesterday.


So our school went to be beach, and we have 'house' systems so one house went to a certain beach. At the beginning I had no group, but later I went with some pretty good friends of mine (one I knew a bit less) and he hung out the whole day. I had no problem making eye contact with them, but I know sometimes my way of talking was a bit noticeable and I didn't want to play certiain games because I wasn't interested. But in general it was a painless school day.

However later that day I had a ballroom-dancing lesson (with my grade/year it's a school organized thing). And the girls and boys had to go in the formal dancing position. I had no problem shaking the adults hands and looking them in the eye, though sometimes when I do the same thing I get nervous around other adults. Some of my teachers I don't like really making eye contact with. But when I was dancing with some of the kids in my grade I had no problems looking at them in the eyes, but when it came to the more 'popular kids' I got nervous. A lot of times even at school I don't like looking the popular kids in the eyes, or people who I odn't know as well or I think don't like me as much. But with the majority of my friends or classmates who are not as popular I don't care. But most of all when it comes to the grade above me, especially the boys, I get SUPER nervous. I had to wear a dress (because of the programs policy) but at the place where the class takes place I saw some of the oler boys walking around and I got really scared, trying to make sure they didn't see me (just in general, plus I felt kinda dumb in the dress). Also, at some points when there are not enough students, you have to dance with the student instructors. The instructors are in High School, and when I had to dance with two of them I got incredibly nervous, one of them I could only look in the eye for about 2 seconds, and for the rest of the itme I danced with him I had to look behind his shoulder.

Also, it's worth mentioning when it comes to people I'm nervous around, I tend to be able to looka t brown eyes more than blue. But if I'm ok around them than eye color doesn't matter.

 

[Suzanne]

Hi there, our young Phantom aspie

Aspergers is not static and that is also what: on the spectrum means and: meet one aspie - you meet.....one aspie!

Since I discovered I have aspergers, it has actually helped me to strive not let being an aspie control me and eye contact is an area that I have succeeded for the most part, in dealing with. So, one on one, I am ok now, but when I become aware that I am making eye contact, that is when I stumble! Anymore than one to one and I am lost. It is actually frightening for me to have even just two people in front of me, for I inevitably look at just one and when I become aware of that fact, I try so hard to include the other one, but always sort of give up the mental fight and end up being rude! Interestingly too it is always the one in front of me that I can look at and I suppose it is because there is such a lot of mental effort involved, the head just can't be bothered to turn, or something.

I think you should embrace the fact that you can manage some social skills!

As for the idea of looking in a chap's eyes, I too had that trouble when I was your age, but for me, it was due to sexual abuse from father. I was too aware of the opposite sex, at a very young age and thus, I would even cross the road, so that I did not have to pass a boy! Even today, a married woman and 45, sometimes I still feel shy around men; not all men though; it is more the man man ie a man that, well is very fit and I get so shy!

That is funny because I am the opposite in that I feel alien in trousers! I did go through a kind of obsession with wearing them, but now, even though I have a couple, I cannot cope with wearing them and quickly get a skirt or dress back on! I am a very feminine woman, but with a twist lol for one is traditionally seen as "feminine" I surprise people how I can join in with mucky work and it is me, who removes the spiders to safety. I join my husband in holding insects and where other women squeal over a mouse, I think they are amazing! Frogs too are just delightful and I freaked a female out when I held one! The only insect I cannot stand, is the fly; even writing that down, is yucky to me.

There, I see I have gone off on a tangent; how the heck do I get from social skills to insects lol

 

[The Phantom]

Hi there, our young Phantom aspie

Aspergers is not static and that is also what: on the spectrum means and: meet one aspie - you meet.....one aspie!

Since I discovered I have aspergers, it has actually helped me to strive not let being an aspie control me and eye contact is an area that I have succeeded for the most part, in dealing with. So, one on one, I am ok now, but when I become aware that I am making eye contact, that is when I stumble! Anymore than one to one and I am lost. It is actually frightening for me to have even just two people in front of me, for I inevitably look at just one and when I become aware of that fact, I try so hard to include the other one, but always sort of give up the mental fight and end up being rude! Interestingly too it is always the one in front of me that I can look at and I suppose it is because there is such a lot of mental effort involved, the head just can't be bothered to turn, or something.

I think you should embrace the fact that you can manage some social skills!

As for the idea of looking in a chap's eyes, I too had that trouble when I was your age, but for me, it was due to sexual abuse from father. I was too aware of the opposite sex, at a very young age and thus, I would even cross the road, so that I did not have to pass a boy! Even today, a married woman and 45, sometimes I still feel shy around men; not all men though; it is more the man man ie a man that, well is very fit and I get so shy!

That is funny because I am the opposite in that I feel alien in trousers! I did go through a kind of obsession with wearing them, but now, even though I have a couple, I cannot cope with wearing them and quickly get a skirt or dress back on! I am a very feminine woman, but with a twist lol for one is traditionally seen as "feminine" I surprise people how I can join in with mucky work and it is me, who removes the spiders to safety. I join my husband in holding insects and where other women squeal over a mouse, I think they are amazing! Frogs too are just delightful and I freaked a female out when I held one! The only insect I cannot stand, is the fly; even writing that down, is yucky to me.

There, I see I have gone off on a tangent; how the heck do I get from social skills to insects lol

Hi Suzanne, glad to see you, I find your posts very informative

You make a VERY good point when you say that it's spectrum, so that everyone varies. It's just that so many doctors and such think if you make eye contact you don't qualify for Aspergers, even though for me it DEPENDS on who it is. Strangers and people I don't know very well, I try to avoid looking at them, but if I know them well I can muster some eye-contact.And I agree when you say, that when you're aware you stumble. When I don' think about it I'm ok, but if I think in advance about making eye contact it makes me much more nervous. Funny you should mention being with two people, I tend to only look at the person I'm comfortable with. I was talking with my friend (a boy) and making normal eye-contact, and another boy (older than me, who I may or may not fancy ) overheard me telling my friend I was disgusted with him (jokingly) and he asked me what my friend did, and I answered but looked at the floor, but smiling, even though he was looking at me. Other examples being when I'm more comfortable with the other person I'll just make contact with them instead of the other. But sometimes it can also be who's in front of me (between two people I', both not as comfortable with) because I'm too scared to just switch randomly lol.
But yes, I'm very glad I do have SOME skills.

My reasons for being nervous are not like your (I'm very sorry you had to go through that, even if your not looking for pity I just wanted to say that), but now that I think about it I do get very nervous when I'm alone or with a grown man, because of what people say about their abuse stories and such, even though I know it's not possible EVERY man ever would be like that. Sad really, a problem of mine is that I'm very easily influenced by someone elses opinion )no matter how insignificant, a youtube comment can change my views on a celebrity). But as for teenage boys, it's is not for that reason at all. I'm not afraid they will do anything to me, I'm more nervous about making a good impression and I'm afraid that they will find me a freak or weird. I tend to like that age + gender group as friends more, so I'm more scared about having them liking me, not for romantic reasons. I get so scared I hate crossing the street/walking in front of some of them, so I relate in a way about how you would cross the street to avoid them, that sounds familiar in a way. I remember my dad telling me to cross the street (when a group of boys from my school were there) and I ran across just to get it over with, and he yelled at me for running and told me I acted like an ass, ultimately making my self-esteem a whole lot worse.
I know it's very natural for a teen girl to be nervous in front of a young boy, but this nervousness exceeds the typical bashfulness that is expected (at least to me).
It's so odd though, because the majority of my friends are boys, and almost all the boys I know like me/are friendly with me. So it's not that I'm nervous in front of boy as a whole, just the more 'popular' or cool ones. Especially if their good-looking. One of the student instructors (the one I could barely make eye contact with) is extremely handsome, I practically held my breath the whole time I had to dance with him lol. But he's very nice so that does help a bit, thankfully. Thanks for your reply!

 

[Progster]

I think that all people with Asperger's have good days and bad days - it depends on a lot of things, your mood, your energy level, stress level at the time, whether you are overloaded or not, or rested. I think that when it came to dancing, you were out of your comfort zone and some of the things you would normally be able to handle such as eye contact became too much, so you could no longer do them. That's the thing with AS symptoms, they aren't always consistent. One day they'll affect you quite badly, and another day not at all. I'm like that with crowds - sometimes I can cope with crowds and sometimes I can't. Sometimes I experience very intense anxiety, other times very little.

 

[Suzanne]

Hi Suzanne, glad to see you, I find your posts very informative

You make a VERY good point when you say that it's spectrum, so that everyone varies. It's just that so many doctors and such think if you make eye contact you don't qualify for Aspergers, even though for me it DEPENDS on who it is. Strangers and people I don't know very well, I try to avoid looking at them, but if I know them well I can muster some eye-contact.And I agree when you say, that when you're aware you stumble. When I don' think about it I'm ok, but if I think in advance about making eye contact it makes me much more nervous. Funny you should mention being with two people, I tend to only look at the person I'm comfortable with. I was talking with my friend (a boy) and making normal eye-contact, and another boy (older than me, who I may or may not fancy ) overheard me telling my friend I was disgusted with him (jokingly) and he asked me what my friend did, and I answered but looked at the floor, but smiling, even though he was looking at me. Other examples being when I'm more comfortable with the other person I'll just make contact with them instead of the other. But sometimes it can also be who's in front of me (between two people I', both not as comfortable with) because I'm too scared to just switch randomly lol.
But yes, I'm very glad I do have SOME skills.

My reasons for being nervous are not like your (I'm very sorry you had to go through that, even if your not looking for pity I just wanted to say that), but now that I think about it I do get very nervous when I'm alone or with a grown man, because of what people say about their abuse stories and such, even though I know it's not possible EVERY man ever would be like that. Sad really, a problem of mine is that I'm very easily influenced by someone elses opinion )no matter how insignificant, a youtube comment can change my views on a celebrity). But as for teenage boys, it's is not for that reason at all. I'm not afraid they will do anything to me, I'm more nervous about making a good impression and I'm afraid that they will find me a freak or weird. I tend to like that age + gender group as friends more, so I'm more scared about having them liking me, not for romantic reasons. I get so scared I hate crossing the street/walking in front of some of them, so I relate in a way about how you would cross the street to avoid them, that sounds familiar in a way. I remember my dad telling me to cross the street (when a group of boys from my school were there) and I ran across just to get it over with, and he yelled at me for running and told me I acted like an ass, ultimately making my self-esteem a whole lot worse.
I know it's very natural for a teen girl to be nervous in front of a young boy, but this nervousness exceeds the typical bashfulness that is expected (at least to me).
It's so odd though, because the majority of my friends are boys, and almost all the boys I know like me/are friendly with me. So it's not that I'm nervous in front of boy as a whole, just the more 'popular' or cool ones. Especially if their good-looking. One of the student instructors (the one I could barely make eye contact with) is extremely handsome, I practically held my breath the whole time I had to dance with him lol. But he's very nice so that does help a bit, thankfully. Thanks for your reply!

Actually, the reason that I passed guys, was for the same reason as you ie that they would think me weird or ugly or just laugh at me!

As it happens, I get on a lot better with men than I do with women, but have now, got a few women I am ok around; perhaps due to age.

And I must mention this, because of your age and how you are a similar age to my youngest niece, that your spelling and punctuation is amazing; is that an aspie thing?

 

[The Phantom]

I think that all people with Asperger's have good days and bad days - it depends on a lot of things, your mood, your energy level, stress level at the time, whether you are overloaded or not, or rested. I think that when it came to dancing, you were out of your comfort zone and some of the things you would normally be able to handle such as eye contact became too much, so you could no longer do them. That's the thing with AS symptoms, they aren't always consistent. One day they'll affect you quite badly, and another day not at all. I'm like that with crowds - sometimes I can cope with crowds and sometimes I can't. Sometimes I experience very intense anxiety, other times very little.

That's does seem about right, when you feel uncomfortable to begin with anything else that makes you uncomfortable can be amplified. That class is a good environment for me, I'm with friends and I do love dancing, but I do think the whole dress thing, and being surrounded by popular boys was probably what made me more nervous. At the beach, I was feeling a bit self-conscious at first (swim suit, plus trying to find someone to hang out with) but after that I didn't care, so that's probably why I was so comfortable. I might start might acting crazy in front of some kids, and the next day be scared to take food from a buffet in front of people in case they'd find me weird.

Actually, the reason that I passed guys, was for the same reason as you ie that they would think me weird or ugly or just laugh at me!

As it happens, I get on a lot better with men than I do with women, but have now, got a few women I am ok around; perhaps due to age.

And I must mention this, because of your age and how you are a similar age to my youngest niece, that your spelling and punctuation is amazing; is that an aspie thing?

Wow! I guess our experiences are very similar after all! But like I said before, I wonder how it's like that when we both get along better with men rather than women. I have many more guy friends, but a few close girl friends. It's been like this for a while, but intensified overtime.

And thank you! Usually in my posts, my spelling is very bad because of how fast I'm typing and trying to put down my thoughts. But when I focus my grammar is pretty good. Does your niece have Aspergers? Sorry if that comes across as blunt, but just to clarify. If so, than it depends. I know many other kids that have very good spelling and grammar, but I've heard that it is still a trait of someone with Aspergers. I've been told I have a very big vocabulary and that my sentences are very well-constructed and mature for someone of my age (it's more apparent in real life, on the internet I'm so hurried to put down my thoughts it's just simple sentences). But I've been told that, more specifically is an Aspie thing. If I recall correctly it's called Hyperlexia. I don't think I have it to a remarkable degree, but it could still be there if I do. Although when I was younger I used words I didn't really know, but if I did people told me I didn't know the meaning because I was so young
In hand written papers, my spelling and punctuation can be even worse thank online, because like I said I try and get my thoughts down as fast as I can, because I have so much to write (it could also be spellcheck, but who knows I'm able to detect spelling mistakes faster online than in person, even without spellcheck). In fact, I've heard it (messy handwriting) is a sign of higher intelligence, because you have so many thoughts you need to write them all down, so grammar and neatness falls by the wayside I hope it's more than jsut wishful thinking! But yes, taking that all into account it could very well be an Aspie thing.