Independence

[Kaykay]

Hi all, I was just wondering who has had issues with independence. I have recently been having a lot of problems with this, add every time I go out on my own I have a break down and I am constantly in need of someone to help me figure out social situations and discussions even with people I've known for years. I really want to be able to be more independent and would like to know what other people have done in this situation.

 

[LilyJo]

Hi kaykay. I've been living independently for several years now and I'd say I do it clumsily! I have an internal scripting process that runs all conversations I have and categorises what is said as good or bad. Not completely sure how I decide what was good or bad though... Is very tiring though and I'm trying to stop. I just try not to worry. If I go silent then I've recently decided it isn't the end of the world. I can learn to be comfortable with the silence even if the other person isn't. I figure that the other persons reaction is not under my control (as much as I would love that to be the case!) So why should I stress about it. This is a reasonably new idea for me and it is hard to just be me, stims and all. But it has been freeing. I've noticed that people worth knowing tend not to be too concerned about it. I try to smile and say hello to everyone and then leave it up to them.

As far as meltdowns go I find carrying a small object to fiddle with discretely (I use a small piece of soft fabric) or listening to a familiar piece of music on repeat with headphones helps keep me grounded. I also do a fair amount of preparation for any outing. Rehearsing and talking myself through what I am going to do. Sometimes writing a few steps down to carry with me. I sometimes ring my mum or a friend if I'm struggling to start this and that gets me going!

Hope this is useful LJ

 

[Kaykay]

Thanks, that does help some. I'll try bringing something with me next time, I'm looking for a pair of noise canceling headphones that work well to help cut down the noise as well.

 

[Suzanne]

Hi Kayay

I have ALWAYS not coped with independence. Married at 21 and sadly, leaned very heavy on hubby, due to excess social phobia. When I took the courage to go out alone, it was like facing a huge expanse of terror and I am this tiny nothing. I did find ways to cope, when I did the unheard of thing and went to college. I listened to music and loved my dark glasses and also a book.

I am now 45 and worse than ever, due to living in France. I guess despite everything, I am not doing too bad; but sadly, because I RARELY venture out on my own, my ability to walk with confidence is sadly deplete and rely on my hubby to hold my hand with uneven grounds and steps without a railing.

It was only going back to my own country, whoa on my own that I was horrified with how bad I have got. Because every where I went, there were steps etc. By the time I got back to France, I found my confidence had returned and I was able to do what I couldn't before, but sadly, unsurenes has returned, due to a complete lack of practice. My husband is the soul earner and thus, left on my own a lot but cannot venture out on my own.

I sincerely hope all this nightmare is going to end soon, because my husband is giving me an opportunity to be mobile via a car. I never needed to learn in the UK, but in France, it is AWFUL not being able drive. I cannot do the French highway code because it is two fold: language and code. But France as this wonderful thing which is called: Voiture sans permit which means: A car that does not need a license. Now these cars are much the subject of derision with the French ie cars for stupid people basically and the old design is horrible like a car for the disabled, but they have improved on the look and hehehe there is one style that is very similar to the shape of my all time, fav Daimler jaguar. They run on either automatic or hydrostatic and max speed is 40, but I honestly don't mind because it will feel amazing.

I tried to explain that when I am in hubby's car and he might say: pop into that shop and I will join you, I can't do it but if I drove there myself, I could do it.

 

[LilyJo]

Glad that was helpful. I wasn't sure if I'd answered your question. Maybe you need a cheering squad to make a big deal about everything you accomplish! Happy to be your cheering squad on AC if that would help you. Feel free to PM at anytime. I guess the hardest thing is to be kind to yourself and reward yourself for the tiniest steps. I break anything that seems impossible down into as many steps as possible then make myself a reward chart with stickers! So for example if I was terrified of going out on my own I'd start with taking the rubbish out to the bin at end of the drive then congratulate myself for doing it. Then walk to end of road and back. Then maybe stand at bus stop for 5 mins then go home. Then take the bus to next village and back. Etc. Sounds corny and a bit pedantic but it has got me through some scary situations I didn't think I could handle. The key is persistence. If you panic or meltdown or fail don't beat yourself up, go back to your chart and feel good for the steps you have achieved then go back one and try again. Again I am still struggling to take my own advice!! But am learning the world is a much less scary place if you can like yourself and trust that you are doing your best. If you need someone to brainstorm a plan with then happy to do that if it would help. LJ