Initiating and maintaining a conversation

[Nisk]

I know I struggle with both these things.

I generally don't ever initiate a conversation with someone I don't know.
The anxiety of feeling rejected if someone doesn't respond makes me just keep my mouth shut until someone says something and I can either respond or jump into a conversation with a group.

Maintaining a conversation is more difficult because it could be anybody and unless it's something I'm either interested in it was at onetime I end up stumbling on my words or repeating the same responses, until the conversation awkwardly ends.

Anyone have any tips or experience with this problem?

 

[RidingDutchman]

Well what i tend to do is turn conversations to a topic I like or know things about. Often happens without myself realizing.

I'm personally the opposite. I'm a speech waterfall and often get in troubles for not knowing when to keep my mouth shut or bringing up topics I shouldn't.

So perhaps try that, warp it to topics you enjoy and, if it's with people that you don't often see, don't care as much what others think.

A way of coping that my brain came up with is that, unless it's a friend/family/coworker or some important person that can influence my life, I really don't give a **** what they think about me (pick any naughty 4 letter word you want there)

If people don't like me, tough luck for them because I probably think the same about them. But this is probably a very personal thing, when I'm nervous or want to explain something I start talking lengthy and ramble on (maybe my way of typing shows this as well) which does help me with presentations at school xD

But as to your point, maybe like I said find something you enjoy talking about and try not to worry too much about what other people think of you. Just be yourself, this makes it even better if they like you because they like you for who you are, and if they don't like you: nothing gained and nothing lost.

I hope you can do anything with this information, probably not but in that case I hope you enjoyed reading it so I didn't waste all your time xD

 

[Tom]

Stay in the moment, listen to what people are saying, remain aware of your surroundings, ask a few questions to try and keep a flagging conversation going... are some of the things I do. A 'don't' is sink into your own head and think about stuff with no relation to the interaction. Stay on the surface.

Or put another way. Don't analyze the situation, just be in it and go with the flow.

 

[Datura]

I agree with Tom. Also; try not to go off on weird tangents. This is a bad habbit of mine, but other people can't see your internal thought processes, so how their recent viset to see their grandmother relates to the relativity of spacetime (for example) will completely elude them and be rather offputting.

Approaching people is probably the hardest part though. The scripts are pretty easy: "Hi, how are you.", "Do you have any plaans this weekend?", "So did you [X] yesturday." The difficult part is the emotional hurdle.

I used to be almost physically incapable of walking up to somebody and saying, "Hi." I wish I had more practical advice on how I got over this, because I really don't know what changed. I suppose I just began to feel more confident in who I was. I also practiced voice modulation and manerisms in the mirror which I believe helped me to feel more comfortable and less stilted when approaching people.

 

[Progster]

I find it hard to initiate convesations too. For me the initial hurdle is anxiety, but also I feel I need a good and valid reason to talk to someone I don't know, such as wanting to ask them something such as directions, or telling them something (Sir, you dropped your wallet...) otherwise, why would I talk to them? I'm not a very talkative person and I don't say anything unless I have something important I need to say. If I do talk to a stranger, it's nearly always because they initiated the conversation first.

 

[wanderer03]

I have a hard time keeping a conversation flowing with women. It's not hard for me to initiate but it becomes hard to keep it going.

 

[ChrisC1983]

i can't initiate anything... be it talking to somebody or going somewhere. as progster said, there needs to be a reason. but it can't just be a "oh she's cute, i'll talk to her"... it needs to be something unique and/or direct. like if they drop their wallet or asking for time (although i hate doing that, i will) or if it's somebody i want to talk to but i have no apparent reason to do so.... maybe (slim maybe) if they're dressed uniquely i might talk. but then i need to figure out how to approach somebody and say "awesome biker boots" without it sounding rude because it's 95 degrees outside and it's a girl who drove up here in a honda civic (not a bike)

 

[wanderer03]

ChrisC1983 You just initiated this

 

[ChrisC1983]

internet doesn't count
there's no physical interaction or voice tones or body language or otherwise annoying sensory stuff

ie: if you were sitting on my couch with me in the AC having chips and watching John Oliver on youtube.. i would probably be OK (a little shy, but OK)...... but if i asked a total stranger to come hang out on my couch so i can talk to them, a cop would arrest me lol

 

[wanderer03]

Very true. I was just trying to liven things up a bit. Heh, I'm sitting I'm a bar by myself but it's all good. I'm watching my Eagles football.

 

[Nisk]

Part of the problem is I'm only ever getting half a conversation. I don't understand body language at all. Even last night at dinner the waitress was hitting on me and I didn't even know until my friend told me. Texting evens the playing field but even that has its downside.

 

[wanderer03]

Nisk Have you ever watched how others initiate conversation and then try and do the same? Since I started doing that, I got a little bit better. I still struggle with keeping the flow of it going because that is something that you cannot easily model as each conversation is very unique.

 

[Nisk]

I can honestly say I haven't since I was a teenager at least, it's good advice and something to watch for