Insight Needed

[Gerald Wilgus]

Yesterday, I had a very nice time bowling and sharing a pizza with the boy I am a big brother to. Dropping him off at home he did not want to leave immediately and instead wanted to talk. Of course I listened. He said that sometimes he does not feel normal Because of his feelings towards an anime character. He exhibits moe so we talked about that. I told him that it is understandable and the positive about that is he shows the ability to feel such attachment. There is nothing wrong and many, like me, go through that.

He is a very kind boy and known by people working at the entertainment center where we bowled, I said that he is very likable. He is pretty isolated, though, and I remember my moe towards fictional characters and the way I used that as a way of avoiding real connection with girls. I think such ideation restricted my social growth and I worry about that with my little brother. He does have career goals and his father has been taking him to engineering and service firms to feed his interests.

So, instead of being able to talk a lot about the social, I discussed how he is developing as a high value young man, with him developing his goals and in some other ways, his boundaries, and how his father's care for him is demonstrating how a high value man acts. I told him that in him I see a high value man in the making and to not believe otherwise about himself.

I went on to discuss his kindness and friendliness, his potential, and how he attracts nice people who like him, and despite how he feels about fictional characters now, when his attention eventually turns to connecting with girls, he has the characteristics that will make him a desirable friend.

Am I handling things well, or are there other issues I should be cognizant about? How do I go from this to ensuring that he has confidence in himself?

 

[Forest Cat]

I'm not an expert when it comes to these things but I think it sounds like you handle it very well.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I'm not an expert when it comes to these things but I think it sounds like you handle it very well.

I am learning how to listen and the interactions are forcing me into a quite adult role. I am happy when he calls me up and tells me that I really understand him.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I also think you're on the right path here. A young man needs to feel that he has value, and that can translate into internal drive, responsibility, and self-esteem--- characteristics that will serve him well in this world.

 

[Sunny1]

You did a great job, Gerald! You made him feel heard, you gave him your attention, you gave him some ideas that will help him, you let him know you could be trusted and you showed him how to be a man! It doesn't get much better than that!

 

[Atrapa Almas]

I will play devils advocate here, to give you another perspective.

When someone is insecure, by telling them that they are wrong you may be invalidaring their feelings and perceptions.

Men tend to have a problem solving aproach, so if the detected problem is that the kid is insecure we go and try to fix it.

How useful was for you when people told you that you was desirable by women? Did it solved the issue?

Sometimes what we get is that person not telling us their insecurities anymore.

Women tend to be more like listening, not solving.

As I said Im just playing devils advocate here, you probably did good as others have said. Just considerate that the only person who can fix that kid is himself. As the only person who can fix you is yourself and the only person who can fix me is myself.

Sometimes being there to just listen and show him that he can vent with you without being judged is everything that is needed.

I have never been able to do it, but thats the correct way according to non directive coaching theory.

My 2 cents.

 

[Crossbreed]

He exhibits moe...

I remember my moe...

Moe...?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Moe...?

Moe is the feelings of strong affection towards an anime (or fictional) character. Frequently girl characters are animated in a way that suggests young and innocent femininity.

 

[Crossbreed]

Moe is the feelings of strong affection towards an anime (or fictional) character.

Depending on the artist, I still have a crush on:

• Catwoman (purple suit);
• Black Widow;
• Invisible Woman;
• Danger Girl + friends &
• Lara Croft, Tomb Raider (original version)

(Wonder Woman is hot, too, but her power set is too deus-ex-machina for me.)

 

[Rodafina]

Sometimes being there to just listen and show him that he can vent with you without being judged is everything that is needed

This is very true and a great point. It is extremely powerful to listen. Plus, ideally children will develop internalized confidence that does not require the external validation of adults or society. Fostering things like autonomy, introspection, and problem-solving skills can be very valuable to a young one. You can guide children quite a bit by asking over telling.

 

[Misery]

The bit about fictional character attachment aint exactly rare. Super common, actually.

Honestly, it might be good to think of it in the same way you might think of a "special interest". As someone who frequently develops such connections, I can tell you, that's pretty much what it is.

Besides, believe it or not, it aint exactly always a useless or unhelpful obsession. I dont want to go into any detail right now, but my own character obsessions actually led to some major changes/improvements for me (emphasis on "major), including the very first time I ever travelled out of state on my own... something I'd never have tried to do without some sort of obsession driving me to do it. It aint the only tough thing it drove me to pull off, either. That was just the start.

I daresay, the sequence of events starting from that connection is what eventually led me to this very forum, too. Without that, I'd not be here, and likely would never have joined any other forums, as the very first one I joined involved that particular obsession as part of it.

The key though is to make sure that the obsession or special interest or whatever doesnt become negative. Not just with character obsessions, but with any special interest. It's always possible for one to lead to some sort of unhealthy or damaging behavior, and it's important to understand that.

That's just my thoughts on the subject though, based on my own personal experiences.

 

[selena]

I think while it's good that you're able to relate to him better than other adults, it's important not to assume he's going through EXACTLY what you went through at that age (it was strange to me that you immediately jumped to the moe thing).

To me, it just sounds like he's confused by puberty even if he's not necessarily interested in sex yet. My suggestion is for you to get a few (current) books on sex ed for middle/high school kids and study them, because if you're going to be in the program for a while you're going to be the one the kids are going to rely on for true and accurate information for something they're curious about.

 

[Crossbreed]

To me, it just sounds like he's confused by puberty even if he's not necessarily interested in sex yet.

I thought girls/women were pretty long before I knew what to do with one. It was not until I saw a documentary on reproductive anatomy that the process made sense to me. (If it would have been presented in a less-technical fashion, I might not have believed it...

)

 

[selena]

I thought girls/women were pretty long before I knew what to do with one. It was not until I saw a documentary on reproductive anatomy that the process made sense to me. (If it would have been presented in a less-technical fashion, I might not have believed it...

)

As someone whose parents relied on TV to educate me (and also because I didn't have any friends), for the longest time I just assumed having sex with someone meant sleeping naked with them (while in the back of my mind the image of a stork delivering babies to married couples remained untouched).

Surprisingly, I got an A in both biology and sex ed.

 

[tazz]

I was a foster carer for four years. I looked after kids from the age of 4 to 15. Some with disabilities and others with addiction and trauma issues. Still, I'm no expert. But I'd agree with the range of things already said. Positive affirmations are good. But make it clear you're not dismissing his feelings. The sex ed thing was a good idea.

My psychiatrist explained to me that Autistic people tend to use a self-indexed empathy pathway: empathizing by recalling a similar situation you've been in and assuming the other person must be feeling the same or similar. Nothing wrong with that but just be aware of it so you don't end up making too many assumptions about what he's feeling.

The other big lesson I picked up from fostering was that the most important thing is being someone he can turn to who doesn't judge him. This also means giving him the freedom to make his own mistakes. Often kids already have enough people in their lives that take a strong hand: teachers, parents, social workers, police. It doesn't feel natural because I always wanted to step in and fix things, but that was in some ways counter productive. It's a fine line to walk, and no-one does it perfectly. Sounds to me like you're doing a damn fine job!