Interest that needs to much focus

[Saragrl]

I have a few special interests, computer hardware, games, and CGI effects. The problem is I work a very stressful retail job and suffer from severe anxiety. Most days I don't have the energy to even play games for more then an hour before losing focus.

I love CGI effects, but I only have the energy to do it only on weeks I have days off in a row and not be stressed. That's like a handful of days. The problem is it requires a lot of focus. Managing multiple simulations running millions of particles takes hours to setup and is probably more then my executive function can handle. It sucks because I really love when I make a cool looking effect, and I would love to do it freelance it I got good enough at it.

I am starting to get really depressed because my life now consists of going to work and having to cool down from work, sleep, and repeat. I feel like I'm existing, not living. NT's just tell me to watch TV and relax. I don't work that way. I need to do something that brings me joy, and I only get joy from accomplishment. When I go as long as it has been without it, I feel like life is not worth it.

Last night I was able to finish a 4 second effect that has been on my mind for months and was 80% done. It was an attempt to make a death eater landing effect from the harry potter films. Usually going back to a project is impossible since I will no longer understand my workflow, not that it's disorganized, I just don't understand the work as it is really complex.

This is the effect if anyone is interested

Does anyone else have an interest like this, where you want to do it all the time but are only able to do it when you can function 100%? My doctor tells me I should only work part time, but I have no support and need to work 40 hours a week. I make just over min wage so I can barely make it as it is.

 

[Judge]

Does anyone else have an interest like this, where you want to do it all the time but are only able to do it when you can function 100%? My doctor tells me I should only work part time, but I have no support and need to work 40 hours a week. I make just over min wage so I can barely make it as it is.

I can only say that occasionally I shake my head at myself for having both complex hobbies as well as complex jobs/careers. Makes me wonder if this is actually an aspect of my neurology. I do see two potential solutions to such concerns, both of which I have achieved at different times in my life.

One was to take a hobby and turn it into a full-time job, which involved quitting work to go to vocational school full-time. (I didn't have the mental resources to juggle work and school.) The other was to become self-employed as a result of applying a specific skill I once learned on the job.

Of course either one still poses some extreme challenges in consideration of one's mental, physical and financial resources needed to draw upon. For me, clinical depression can get in the way of all of it at times.

I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to be content with a relatively simply occupation and hobbies...but that just never seemed to be in the cards for me. It's just not who I am.

 

[King_Oni]

"luckily" I have the the opposite in that I can't function if I can't spend my full attention on my interests.

Without enough "me" time, I'm depressed and totally non-functional. It's part of why I ended up with my diagnosis in the first place. I couldn't even deal with the stress that came with the obligations of a job hunt at some point since I felt it was too intrusive on my mental state.

Add that up that I have this attraction to hobbies that take up lots of time; painting and music production primarily at the moment and it's pretty much bound to go wrong eventually, since even a therapist will point out "you need enough time to enjoy yourself". On top of that it takes long for me to get into something; the first few hours of doing something I usually am just "doodling" around a bit, it's after say, the first 3 hours, where I start to catch momentum and actually progress... and that is often the amount of time not available when daily obligations come in. (the reason I don't want pets is pretty much because they would take me out of the zone eventually; and the list goes on with obligations I rather not have put on me).

 

[Harrison]

Like Judge I decided at an early age to quit what I was doing and make my special interest my 'job'. It wasn't easy as I also had to go self-employed and learn new skills.

Was it worth it? Yes.

Despite everything, it was the best choice I made and for nearly forty years I was able to persue my dreams and get paid for them.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I am starting to get really depressed because my life now consists of going to work and having to cool down from work, sleep, and repeat. I feel like I'm existing, not living. NT's just tell me to watch TV and relax.

It's most folks' way of coping with the drudge and monotony of existing just to keep the bills paid. There was one month I only had two days off the entire month because we were shorthanded and they took their own sweet time to get somebody new. Doesn't matter it was only 4-6 hours a day, that everyday getting up, getting ready, dealing with trashy idiots I couldn't stand (and naturally, nobody would make an effort to go to the store until five minutes before closing and I wasn't paid after closing time no matter how much time it took to close and I wasn't allowed to tell everybody to leave because I was no longer being paid), and very little time to unwind enough I could indulge in my own interests had me breaking down pretty regular at home and I wasn't too pleasant at work either when some braindead bimbo would pop up.

 

[Saragrl]

"luckily" I have the the opposite in that I can't function if I can't spend my full attention on my interests.

Without enough "me" time, I'm depressed and totally non-functional. It's part of why I ended up with my diagnosis in the first place. I couldn't even deal with the stress that came with the obligations of a job hunt at some point since I felt it was too intrusive on my mental state.

That's exactly like me, not the opposite. My ability to cope with life is relative to how often I can do these things. I need to be functional to do them, so it becomes a vicious circle. It will just get worse till I end up self harming to cope. I hate being like this. Don't even get me to go on about job hunts, only my current job did I have to hunt for. The rest were given to me by people I met at the previous job. I am 35 and only had 3 jobs in the last 15 years. To most people it makes me seem like I am normal and function very well. The problem is if you look deep you will see I don't get raises or promotions, and the only reason I can keep a job is drive not to go hungry and be homeless. I have had full breakdowns at work where most people would quit, but I have to cope with it.

 

[Judge]

Simple truth: Quite often to substantially improve the quality of one's life, it requires great risk. Yet most people are unwilling to sacrifice their security in pursuit of a potentially better life.

It's how one can take a hobby and turn it into a career. Where they might discover that on-the-job drudgery is no longer part of the equation, because you actually enjoy how you're supporting yourself. Where you go from mere coping to potentially thriving- mentally, fiscally and perhaps even financially.

If you can attain such a thing, you may quickly discover issues revolving around your perceived energy levels have changed...evolved- and most of all, improved. Something you're probably not going to achieve on any job that continues to be just a "paycheck".

 

[Saragrl]

Like Judge I decided at an early age to quit what I was doing and make my special interest my 'job'. It wasn't easy as I also had to go self-employed and learn new skills.

Was it worth it? Yes.

Despite everything, it was the best choice I made and for nearly forty years I was able to persue my dreams and get paid for them.

I would love to do this, but I don't have the ability or life skills to do so. Can't even handle bills, I have to live where it's all included in rent. I have really poor executive function. I keep jobs base on my ability to learn multiple positions and my extremely strong ability to remember things. I work at a Kmart and I can tell you almost every item we sell, and where it is. I use that ability to offset my severe weaknesses. While there are weeks I get very close to losing my job, my aspie issues mostly go overlooked due to my product and tech knowledge. As I get older my naivety and lack of skill growth is less endearing and people are less inclined to feel bad and take me under their wing and teach me things.

 

[Judge]

I work at a Kmart and I can tell you almost every item we sell, and where it is. I use that ability to offset my severe weaknesses.

Sounds like your challenge is to figure out how such a skill can work for you rather than Kmart alone. And that's a whole lot of products you're talking about.

Focus on your strengths instead of dwelling on your weaknesses. It's how you begin the process of pondering self-reliance....and eventually perhaps self-employment.

 

[Harrison]

I would love to do this, but I don't have the ability or life skills to do so. Can't even handle bills, I have to live where it's all included in rent. I have really poor executive function. I keep jobs base on my ability to learn multiple positions and my extremely strong ability to remember things. I work at a Kmart and I can tell you almost every item we sell, and where it is. I use that ability to offset my severe weaknesses. While there are weeks I get very close to losing my job, my aspie issues mostly go overlooked due to my product and tech knowledge. As I get older my naivety and lack of skill growth is less endearing and people are less inclined to feel bad and take me under their wing and teach me things.

Like you, I can't deal with the day to day stuff like bills. I also rent 'all in' so I don't have to worry. In the past I paid people to do it for me, taxes, run a company, everything, I was just the 'product' the company sold. Not the best solution but it meant I could do what I loved and not worry that my executive functions were crap.

What Judge has said is spot on.

 

[Saragrl]

Yea, it's funny cause I can remember every movie cover from working in video stores, but I can't remember the customer I was helping if they move into a different isle. It takes me for ever to remember names, but faces it's nearly impossible. I remember when the front desk woman drastically changed her hair, I worked with her for years but I thought she was a new worker.

 

[Judge]

Yea, it's funny cause I can remember every movie cover from working in video stores, but I can't remember the customer I was helping if they move into a different isle. It takes me for ever to remember names, but faces it's nearly impossible. I remember when the front desk woman drastically changed her hair, I worked with her for years but I thought she was a new worker.

You have a skill in managing data- not people. Well...there's a whole lot of data in this world that requires such managing. Now go from there....

And consider the possibility that database management for you may be far more mechanics than executive functions. And just imagine if you came to actually enjoy it...then what?

 

[King_Oni]

That's exactly like me, not the opposite. My ability to cope with life is relative to how often I can do these things. I need to be functional to do them, so it becomes a vicious circle. It will just get worse till I end up self harming to cope. I hate being like this. Don't even get me to go on about job hunts, only my current job did I have to hunt for. The rest were given to me by people I met at the previous job. I am 35 and only had 3 jobs in the last 15 years. To most people it makes me seem like I am normal and function very well. The problem is if you look deep you will see I don't get raises or promotions, and the only reason I can keep a job is drive not to go hungry and be homeless. I have had full breakdowns at work where most people would quit, but I have to cope with it.

Yeah.. I'm the opposite in that I don't work I suppose. And I'm pretty much being kept out of the workforce for exactly this problem.

For some reason you at least are able to hold a job for a period. For me it's pretty much expected that after 2 days I'll call in sick and eventually end up getting fired for not acting in interest of the company I work for, but choose myself. In a way it's a form of selfpreservation and to boot, one that kept me away from therapists and such for most of my adult life.

You had full breakdowns at work? It might not even be that you quit, but how about getting fired? The way I read into it, it seems like your employer is somewhat understanding of it (unless of course you have a breakdown in private).

 

[Saragrl]

You had full breakdowns at work? It might not even be that you quit, but how about getting fired? The way I read into it, it seems like your employer is somewhat understanding of it (unless of course you have a breakdown in private).

I'm the implosive type when it comes to meltdowns, as exploding got me in much trouble when I was little. I shutdown, and my stims like rubbing hands becomes bloody digging my fingernails into my skin. My bosses are usually to self absorbed to notice. When I get home I need to vent it, either by playing a game or if it's really bad I cut or burn myself. I am very very good at hiding and internalizing my pain, I developed a severe dissociative disorder bordering on multiple personalities that put me in the hospital for 3 weeks. I never ever show my pain to anyone, not even my doctor (until recently). Up until a few months ago I thought I was the same as every one else, no one else looks in pain, so I assumed people are all good at hiding it and I had to do the same. The problem is the longer I have to cope the stronger the breakdown. The last major one I was out of work for 6 months and hospitalized twice.

 

[Saragrl]

And consider the possibility that database management for you may be far more mechanics than executive functions. And just imagine if you came to actually enjoy it...then what?

I am starting to see a second doctor who knows Aspergers. I am hoping she can help me with resources to get a job that would work better for me. All my experience is retail lower management, so getting into a new field will be tough, even for an NT. School is out of the question because working at the same time is to much for me. I tried that once and needed to drop out. I also tried the two job thing a couple times and both times ended up exhausting me to the point I ended up with pneumonia. I will always push well beyond my limits. I always thought it would pay off, 20 years later it has harmed me more. My state of mind is more fragile. Managers expect more from me than most other workers, and expect that level of performance at all times (which I can't do). My level of functioning can vary from day to day.

 

[Nadador]

Saragirl...brilliant job with your project! I am in awe of anyone who can master even the basics of CGI. I would imagine it does take a great deal of focus, and would indeed be very difficult to stop and start with scant availability of time. I hope you did a happy dance when you finished your effect. Sounds like you really earned it.

Like Harrison especially, I found a path to making my passion into a proper living. It took a bloody long time, and finance was a continual obstacle. I felt I had no choice but to do it, though, as I didn't function well at all unless I was indulging in my special interest regularly, and it wasn't convenient to do so unless I could make at least a day of it. I daresay every hour I spent doing a mundane job was chipping away at my soul, so I can relate to some of what you're feeling. Sales and desk jobs in particular are like death to me. There's very little real sense of accomplishment in those, unless they're a means to an end other than subsistence.

I'm with Judge, try to focus on your strengths. It sounds as though you have them in abundance. A shift in mindset won't make your troubles go away, but it may put you in the frame of thinking required to make useful adaptations, and find you a touch more energy for doing so. For example, I used to have the same trouble you do with recognising people, especially if I didn't always see them in the same context. I eventually realised I had to de-humanise them a bit, anti-social as it sounds, and start looking at them as objects whose visual qualities I could memorise, like the image on a product-box. If something changed, I could still see the familiar left intact. This may not work for you, but you may find other ways to creatively harness your gifts to aid your liabilities. With time, it could eventually help ease your stress and frustration.

Have you looked into opportunities to take classes online that pertain to your interests? It would be an extra obligation, but if it could count as some of your "me time", for it's relevance to your passions, then you could slowly work towards a career you would better enjoy. Even taking just one class at a go could give you a sense of forward movement.

Whatever you do, make sure you give yourself ample credit for your ability to endure. When I reach melting point, naught can stop me, no matter where I am at the time. Being under that pressure at work takes a tremendous amount of personal will, regardless of the dire consequences of acting out. Consequences notwithstanding, you still have to be strong enough to take the strain in the moment, and you seem to have that toughness about you. And yes, I did read that you've had major breakdowns. A very strong person can still crack at times, and there's no shame in that.

 

[apsie]

A very strong person can still crack at times, and there's no shame in that.

Its easy to forget this.

 

[Naturalist]

Wow, I am in awe of your accomplishment!! I would really like to learn coding--there are a few languages in particular which are really useful for managing archaeological data--but have not had the time. I know what you mean, graphics effects especially must require a lengthy focus.

I think one of the most difficult things to explain to others is how impossible it is for me to put a project aside and try to resume where I left off later. I can't do it, because as you said, the rhythm of my thoughts has been broken.

Before my current job I worked retail, and it was a nightmare--very draining, very stressful. I was once banished to the stockroom by a boss who thought I was an embarrassment on the sales floor, and when the company CEO visited the store he kept saying he had never seen such an efficient and orderly stockroom! Why I can't keep my house in order, I don't know...

The thing is, I took a part time job managing a natural history collection and am much, much happier, because I am applying the objects-management skills that I used in the stockroom to items which are more my field of interest and expertise. I do not know what I would do if single, because I have not been successful at full-time employment in the past. And the down side to my job is, it is at a university so a good deal of my position is instructing student interns so they can do the tasks I really wish I was doing instead of teaching them!!

I apologize that I am unable to offer some solid advice about getting into your ideal career, or having more time / energy to do the work you love. Artists usually try to build portfolios, and it seems like it would be useful to have a visual portfolio in your field too, but that always takes time and focus which is hard to summon when you are so drained by a 40-hour work week. But I wanted you to know that I am hoping you will succeed! Maybe if you ease into that field by doing related tech jobs freelance? And one thing to consider is finding a forum for people who do this professionally. You learn a lot from the discussions they post, you can ask questions, and often they will critique your work. There are frequently job postings as well, or training events. I have been following one in my field for a year and just got asked to present at an annual conference! So you make good contacts which will help you professionally. You can find the forums advertised in magazines, or linked to websites for professional guilds or associations. Good luck!

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Doesn't matter it was only 4-6 hours a day, that everyday getting up, getting ready, dealing with trashy idiots I couldn't stand (and naturally, nobody would make an effort to go to the store until five minutes before closing and I wasn't paid after closing time no matter how much time it took to close and I wasn't allowed to tell everybody to leave because I was no longer being paid), and very little time to unwind enough I could indulge in my own interests had me breaking down pretty regular at home and I wasn't too pleasant at work either when some braindead bimbo would pop up.

That is one long run-on sentence! Thank goodness it's typed otherwise you would have been completely outta breath!

 

[Naturalist]

Continued from my previous post: Check out this organization, perhaps they can point you to a professional forum?

Graphics Interface 2015 (GI 2015)