Interested in Becoming a Father

[Howard H]

Hello. My name is Howard. I am a 58 year old gay Jewish man self determined to be on the spectrum as high functioning autism. My main reason for joining this forum is because I want to father a child with another autistic woman with the intention of giving the baby up for adoption to loving parents who are willing to care for the needs of our child. Although I’d like to do the conception naturally, I am fine with IVF.

 

[Mary Terry]

Hi, Howard. Welcome to the forum.

Why do you want to father a child that you then give up for adoption? Why would the woman want to carry and give birth to a child that she then gives up for adoption? The world is already full of unwanted children who need homes and adoptive parents so why produce another child to join all the ones who are already here?

 

[TBRS1]

I also feel the need to ask "Why?"?

 

[Howard H]

You bring up very good questions. I do not have the financial means to raise a child in an appropriate environment and don’t like to be around children. I would like an open adoption where I have access to the child. The mother would agree to the open adoption as well. There are agencies who specialize in open adoptions. Your statement about unwanted children out there isn’t necessarily true and you might rethink your statement. There are many adoption agencies out there.

I want to bring a child into this world who will likely have autism because I feel I was not raised properly and my needs as an autistic person were not addressed. I want to pass my genes onto a child and make sure that child’s needs are met. I also believe autistic people throughout history have made remarkable contributions to society. Maybe my child could be someone like Albert Einstein, Bill Gates and yes even Elon Musk.

 

[Rodafina]

How are you going to ensure this child’s needs are met?

What role will you play in the child’s life?

What impact do you think this plan will have on the child as they grow and understand their parentage?

What if the child that is born is not autistic?

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@Howard H
As someone who has worked for nearly 40 years at one of the largest children's hospitals in the US, and with that, one of largest obstetrical units in the world associated with it. We deal with all manner of "high risk" maternal and neonatal conditions. We routinely interact with geneticists and perinatologists we have on staff. I am in neonatal medicine. I deal with the babies, or in most cases, the extremely preterm fetuses. We also deal with all manner of genetic and epigenetic physical abnormalities.

My perspective and bias, knowing what I know and have dealt with over the years, is that it is well-known within our community that "old eggs and sperm" should not combine. Clearly, all manner of genetic mutations are most common after the age of 32, and from an obstetrical perspective any woman who is 35+ is considered "high risk" and is "geriatric". Personally, I would not want the odds of throwing those genetic "dice" and potentially cause any living child to grow up with physical and/or mental disabilities.

Sure, we hear of these occasional celebrities that father children into their 50's and 60's and all of us in healthcare just shake our heads in disbelief, knowing what we know.

I know it's not our culture today for educated people to start families in our early 20's, but from the perspective of all the risk factors and biology, human beings are best suited for childbearing in our 20's.

 

[Tom]

I've been here 10 years and this may be the strangest post I've ever seen. You want someone you don't know or love to do you a favor and carry a child for 9 months and give birth to a child and then give it up for adoption?

 

[tree]

@Howard H

Do you have a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist with whom you regularly consult?

 

[Mary Terry]

Having a child under the circumstances described is one of the most narcissistic, shortsighted and selfish things I've ever heard. How cruel to any child born into such a situation.

Adopt a dog. And be kind to it.

 

[Ghostinthemachine]

I have to agree with Mary Terry I think you really need to reconsider exactly what your saying,whilst being a good parent is admirable the circumstances to which you are describing are highly questionable,give your head a shake

 

[Neonatal RRT]

loving parents who are willing to care for the needs of our child.

Don't we all wish, but as you know, a child cannot chose their parents. Not all "loving" parents are of the ability or have the personality traits to meet all the needs of a child. Most of us would probably agree that love is not enough in some cases. You need a license to drive a car, you need a license to cut hair, yet nobody wants to bring up the topic of needing a license to be a parent. There's a lot of mentally "screwed up" kids in this world due to bad parenting. We all agree on this, but we just shrug our shoulders and then do nothing.

I want to bring a child into this world who will likely have autism because I feel I was not raised properly and my needs as an autistic person were not addressed. I want to pass my genes onto a child and make sure that child’s needs are met. I also believe autistic people throughout history have made remarkable contributions to society. Maybe my child could be someone like Albert Einstein, Bill Gates and yes even Elon Musk.

Neurotypical parents, nor the therapists or doctors they consult, will ever have the understanding of what it is like to be autistic, and why "loving" and "well-intended" parents make mistakes. Some autistic parents may have their own deficits they are dealing with and the child may be negatively affected, not to mention the bonding issues that may occur. Personality traits are likely the most important variables when it comes to child rearing.

I do agree, whole-heartedly, that autistic people have made some significant contributions to society. At no point in human history has anyone been "the best" at anything without doing it differently than the rest. A neurodivergent mind is an important contributing factor, as is a personality that can easily ignore the nay-sayers and keep moving forward. However, these significant individuals come along, perhaps, once in a generation. Literally, 1 in 10's of millions. On the other hand, there are those of us that truly struggle with their condition, and I would suggest this is more the norm than those who are truly exceptional. This world is not designed for us. The neurotypical mind is unable to understand our perspective because we see, hear, taste, smell, and feel our world differently than they do. As a result, we are gaslit and mentally abused into thinking we are "lesser" in terms of morals and humanity. There are two sides of the topic.

 

[Howard H]

How are you going to ensure this child’s needs are met?

What role will you play in the child’s life?

What impact do you think this plan will have on the child as they grow and understand their parentage?

What if the child that is born is not autistic?

These are excellent questions. I will answer them one at a time.

How are you going to ensure this child’s needs are met?

There is an adoption agency in North Carolina that specializes in disabilities in children. The parents are screened and are aware of this aspect of the adoption. It will be an open adoption and I will have periodic contact with the parents to see how things are going.

What role will you play in the child’s life?

My role will likely be once year visits if possible maybe around birthday. Once the child understands who I am I hope to relay my wisdom of my experiences growing up autistic to the child once I understand the child’s challenges. This is something the parents and I would agree to.

What impact do you think this plan will have on the child as they grow and understand their parentage?

I have seen another LGBTQ arrangement way back in the 1990s where I believe the children had difficulties with their parenting. However, in that situation the parents do not have a healthy relationship with each other anymore and I think that has had an effect on them. In my situation, if the child is told they were conceived with a purpose to do something great for the world in their developing years, I think that child would feel worthy and valued that he or she was conceived with great intention. This child will have very loving and nuturing parents.

What if the child that is born is not autistic?

This is an excellent question. I understand there is a possibility of a non autistic child. I would at least on a personal level will feel wonderful I have passed my genes down to offspring. It is something I really want and will give me a purpose towards the end of my life.

Thank you for your questions. They were very helpful and important to ask.

 

[tree]

This project seems to be based in your feelings of
lack of personal value.

 

[Howard H]

@Howard H
As someone who has worked for nearly 40 years at one of the largest children's hospitals in the US, and with that, one of largest obstetrical units in the world associated with it. We deal with all manner of "high risk" maternal and neonatal conditions. We routinely interact with geneticists and perinatologists we have on staff. I am in neonatal medicine. I deal with the babies, or in most cases, the extremely preterm fetuses. We also deal with all manner of genetic and epigenetic physical abnormalities.

My perspective and bias, knowing what I know and have dealt with over the years, is that it is well-known within our community that "old eggs and sperm" should not combine. Clearly, all manner of genetic mutations are most common after the age of 32, and from an obstetrical perspective any woman who is 35+ is considered "high risk" and is "geriatric". Personally, I would not want the odds of throwing those genetic "dice" and potentially cause any living child to grow up with physical and/or mental disabilities.

Sure, we hear of these occasional celebrities that father children into their 50's and 60's and all of us in healthcare just shake our heads in disbelief, knowing what we know.

I know it's not our culture today for educated people to start families in our early 20's, but from the perspective of all the risk factors and biology, human beings are best suited for childbearing in our 20's.

Thank you for your reply and post. I am grateful for your knowledge and understand this hasn’t been thoroughly seen from different angles.

 

[Howard H]

Don't we all wish, but as you know, a child cannot chose their parents. Not all "loving" parents are of the ability or have the personality traits to meet all the needs of a child. Most of us would probably agree that love is not enough in some cases. You need a license to drive a car, you need a license to cut hair, yet nobody wants to bring up the topic of needing a license to be a parent. There's a lot of mentally "screwed up" kids in this world due to bad parenting. We all agree on this, but we just shrug our shoulders and then do nothing.

Neurotypical parents, nor the therapists or doctors they consult, will ever have the understanding of what it is like to be autistic, and why "loving" and "well-intended" parents make mistakes. Some autistic parents may have their own deficits they are dealing with and the child may be negatively affected, not to mention the bonding issues that may occur. Personality traits are likely the most important variables when it comes to child rearing.

I do agree, whole-heartedly, that autistic people have made some significant contributions to society. At no point in human history has anyone been "the best" at anything without doing it differently than the rest. A neurodivergent mind is an important contributing factor, as is a personality that can easily ignore the nay-sayers and keep moving forward. However, these significant individuals come along, perhaps, once in a generation. Literally, 1 in 10's of millions. On the other hand, there are those of us that truly struggle with their condition, and I would suggest this is more the norm than those who are truly exceptional. This world is not designed for us. The neurotypical mind is unable to understand our perspective because we see, hear, taste, smell, and feel our world differently than they do. As a result, we are gaslit and mentally abused into thinking we are "lesser" in terms of morals and humanity. There are two sides of the topic.

Thank you for your reply. Well stated.

 

[Howard H]

This project seems to be based in your feelings of
lack of personal value.

You are absolutely correct. Thank you for helping me realize things about myself.

 

[Howard H]

@Howard H

Do you have a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist with whom you regularly consult?

I have been in consistent therapy since the age of 9. It was brought up to my current therapist. I have had 5 or 6 in my life. My initial circumstance was going to be with an autistic woman who wanted the child as much as I do and it was her idea. Things went wrong with that. My therapist didn’t have a problem with this situation. I now think that this request is a little far fetched and not feasible based on what I am reading from everyone since it is now one sided.

 

[Howard H]

Having a child under the circumstances described is one of the most narcissistic, shortsighted and selfish things I've ever heard. How cruel to any child born into such a situation.

Adopt a dog. And be kind to it.

You are somewhat mean spirited with your comments and I am a very vulnerable person and feel attacked, but I appreciate the comment. I agree this is narcissistic thinking and have asked a therapist if this is selfish but got no clear answer from him. We likely did not think about other perspectives and consequences stated on this thread. Please read my other comments from other parts of this thread.

 

[Howard H]

Thank you to everyone who replied to my initial introduction. You have help me understand more about myself. I see myself lacking self value and respect for myself because of my traumatic past. I had to deal and still do deal with a narcissistic father. I am working on everything with a therapist. I have been in psychotherapy since the age of 9. It is hard being neurodivergent. You all know this. You have also left me highly impressed with the intelligence and quality of the responses from all of you. Kudos to you all. I have decided to cease the idea of becoming a father based on all of the replies stated on this thread.

 

[Tom]

Props for working thru it. I think there is something askew with a therapist who suggested that, and you may consider getting someone new. If you have something to give I concur with the getting a dog or cat suggestion if you feel up to the responsibility and expense. And taking one out of a shelter is a real kindness. But I do caution you, you may really miss them when they pass away. I had 4 Chihuahuas. Down to two now. Four was great, a whole pack of very demanding female alphas, but very expensive.