intro and need advice

[graham001]

I'm married with two children, 4 and 8. I did the aq10 test and scored 7. Our son has been properly diagnosed with autism.

This morning I came home from shopping with our two kids and my wife asked how things went at the supermarket. I told her our son was a bit sad because he thought he was going someone else today. She said "He's getting worse. He doesn't pay attention to what I say, he doesn't listen. All he wants to do is look at the iPad all day, and he won't grow out of it because you haven't and that's the way you behave."

I was happy up to that point, but her comments put me into instant depression.

She has repeatedly blamed me for our son's autism and says things like, " I should have seen the signs in you before we got married."

How do I handle this?

 

[Beverly]

first, welcome to the forum.

Second, you can't change anyone in any way except yourself and, you can't cure ASD. It isn't a disease or illness, it doesn't get worse, our brains don't loose bits or anything as we age. Yes life presents us with more and more input, more things to possibly be obsessed with, more social skills needed for friends, jobs etc... and, we don't always process those things so well but, ASD doesn't get worse, we just see more manifestations of it as we grow up.

We can also learn to compensate for a lot in areas we struggle with, it will never be natural for us to do that but, we can learn to do it. If too much time using the iPad is the problem, set time limits and, location limits so that your son can only use the iPad where you or your wife can see him using it and only during set hours and, only for a certain length of time per day.

No he won't like it but, he will be learning time management skills and, learning to put off engaging in his obsession when he has chores, family functions like meals or guests in the home, school work, etc... And we all have to put our obsessions aside for various reasons as we get older and, take on more responsibilities.

You will also have to change your own behavior with the iPad and, stick to the same rules you set for your son (at least unless you are home alone.) If you expect him to learn self control with his obsession, you've got to show him that it can be done.

 

[Rocco]

Welcome aboard!
I am glad you joined our friendly community and hope you are around. Best wishes

 

[ancusmitis]

Welcome to the restaurant at the end of the internet

 

[Myway]

Welcome to AC. Is she NT? It sounds like it. Anyway, it is not your fault that he has autism. It is no ones fault really, but if you want to blame someone, blame a person who is in the higher forces who decides that. Hope you enjoy it here and feel at home. See you around.

 

[StephF]

Welcome to AC

 

[unsurewhattoname]

Welcome to AC. It would depress me too. Your wife is being terribly unfair to you personally. It's just a matter of whether it's being driven by the pressures of caring for an autistic child, or determining that your marriage is waning. Or both.

Whatever the source is, it seems like a warning sign being projected by your spouse that you have to address immediately.

While the Baron-Cohen AQ test is only a benchmark, I'd say it's significant for you to score in the single digits. Even deliberately manipulating the test to emulate being NT, the lowest I've scored was in the mid twenties. Which in my mind makes it preposterous to accuse you of being on the spectrum of autism. Apart from the reality that being NT doesn't disqualify one from having one or a few neurodiverse traits and behaviors.

AQ10 is scored out of 10. 7/10 is 70%. 70% of 50 (like the full one) would be 35. It's like OP scoring 35, basically.

 

[Judge]

AQ10 is scored out of 10. 7/10 is 70%. 70% of 50 (like the full one) would be 35. It's like OP scoring 35, basically.

Thanks. Huge difference. Not the standard B-C test at all. Enough to delete my post...not that it matters now.

It does make me wonder how many NTs in mixed marriages would "throw in the towel" if they learned their spouse was on the spectrum at any given point into a marriage. Still it forces the OP to determine if he is the issue with his spouse more so than his son.

Sad, but true. That not everyone is up to the demands of a neurologically mixed marriage.

 

[Tom]

She's on the wrong track. She married you for what you are. It wasn't like it was something you knew and hid. Blame is entirely inappropriate in this case. I think marriage or autism counseling of some form might help in this case. A lot of times people have to hear things from a third, objective and professional person.

I will say I can understand a initial negative reaction on the part of an NT. Just as it can be a relevation or great shock to someone finding out they are autistic, so it can be with their partner. But they do need to get past the emotional response and on to making it work.