Intro

[Almagw]

Hi

My name is Judy and I’m the (complicated) partner of a person undiagnosed with Aspergers.

We met at work and I knew straight away that he had Aspergers. Within an hour. After getting to know each other he admitted he’d been diagnosised with ADD but the physiologist who dx’ed him said it was impossible for him to have autism and she knew straight away as soon as he walked into the room that he wasn’t autistic. You know the usual crap ‘if you arent banging your head and making weird noises you must be neurotypical’, (sorry previous to my job of the past 3 years I assisted people with autism for 25 years and had to deal with young ‘professionals’ who couldn’t make a move without it coming from a text book lol). I am dx with bipolar with aspie like tendencies (several professionals who were unable to decide which but officially bipolar)

Joined because I’m stuck. With all my years assisting people with low functioning autism I have no idea how to help my relationship with this wonderful man move forward. This is out of my league. I don’t want to lose him without first trying to understand better.

 

[tree]

 

[Nitro]

Hi Judy

 

[Almagw]

Thankyou

 

[George Newman]

Hi

My name is Judy and I’m the (complicated) partner of a person undiagnosed with Aspergers.

We met at work and I knew straight away that he had Aspergers. Within an hour. After getting to know each other he admitted he’d been diagnosised with ADD but the physiologist who dx’ed him said it was impossible for him to have autism and she knew straight away as soon as he walked into the room that he wasn’t autistic. You know the usual crap ‘if you arent banging your head and making weird noises you must be neurotypical’, (sorry previous to my job of the past 3 years I assisted people with autism for 25 years and had to deal with young ‘professionals’ who couldn’t make a move without it coming from a text book lol). I am dx with bipolar with aspie like tendencies (several professionals who were unable to decide which but officially bipolar)

Joined because I’m stuck. With all my years assisting people with low functioning autism I have no idea how to help my relationship with this wonderful man move forward. This is out of my league. I don’t want to lose him without first trying to understand better.

Hi ya Almagw. Welcome to the forum. I don’t know what to tell you. I have to be honest. Find a reason to love him and cling to that but just know that in time you will want to make a long list of why you don’t love him. Sorry to be a downer. I feel like the anti-Cupid.

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome to the Forums! I hope you make new friends and enjoy your stay in the process

 

[Almagw]

Hi ya Almagw. Welcome to the forum. I don’t know what to tell you. I have to be honest. Find a reason to love him and cling to that but just know that in time you will want to make a long list of why you don’t love him. Sorry to be a downer. I feel like the anti-Cupid.

Thanks George. Already done the list. I’m a chronic list maker I’m ok with all his aspie traits. I understand them and feel more at home with them than with neurotypicals (them I don’t understand. Weird bunch!) If he we’re low functioning or female I’d have no problems but high functioning male interests I’m out of the loop with.

And the list of why I love him over the one of why I shouldn’t is so much longer. His list of why he doesn’t love me beats his why he does though. Wish it were different but I accept that it won’t change. I’m good with what he can give but feel as though he is dipping into depression due to lack of stimulation. And I know I lose him for weeks and at a time when this occurs. I know he looks elsewhere during these times and even left me several times for other women hoping they’d be his answer. I took him back all four times but I know I won’t be able to again. I know that sounds wrong in so many ways but I can’t live without him and can’t live with him breaking my heart again. So don’t feel bad for suggesting something. I want ANY suggestion on how I can help him and help me.

 

[Sloth]

Hello Judy and Welcome to the forums,

You will be able to find many threads here on the same subject which you might want to check out . I would say that the most important thing to realize is that his understanding of what a relationship is, as well as perhaps his way of understanding and expressing feelings can be significantly different that other people. When I say different, I mean it can not only be different from most NTs but it can also easily be different from others on the Spectrum (although you seem to have already evolved past the misconception that all people on the Spectrum can be painted with one brush). It is also possible to be very bad at understanding your own problems and feelings which might lead to him not even being able to identify what he expects in a relationship when asked (that how it is for me, but maybe it's different for him).

When it comes to ADHD and depression (both of which I also have), they can severely affect the ability to have interest in anything on a chemical level. With the notable exception of a "special interest", which people on the Spectrum often have (but don't have to). When affected by depression, it can be hard to find interest and be motivated to do almost anything, even those things which normally might be very interesting to you. I also have the problem where for a short period of time I might be intensely interested and engaged in something to the point of almost obsession but suddenly completely lose interest the next day (I think that is ADHD). Also in my case, I have bipolar-like symptoms, so I can go from extremely optimistic about something working out to extremely pessimistic and doubtful about it due to the sudden mood swings.

As far as suggestions, I think you can try your best to, if you haven't already, talk with him about what he thinks he is looking for in a relationship although the answer might be that he has no idea. You can ask what his reasons are that you mention that lead him to believe the relationship is not worth it. If he has problems understanding his emotions and needs (and the fact that he is wandering from relationship to relationship seems to imply that), then he might be defaulting to logical arguments (that's what I do), and so logical arguments to the contrary can be something to try. Keep in mind that another problem that people on the Spectrum can have is absolute black-and-white thinking, and in that case, it might be very difficult to change his mind if he has already convinced himself. It's going to come down to how open he is to make an effort to listen and consider it, if not, I don't think you'll be able to successfully push him to ever accept it. Also, I don't believe you should expect you can completely "cure his depression" or "change who he is", even if you have experience caring about people.

Sorry about the super long response (ranting can be another symptom of autism ) and once again I remind you that I only speculate based on my own experiences and his can be severely different from his, we just don't know since it's not him who is posting. I encourage you to look up more threads and you can ask any questions you have.

 

[Tom]

You said it best. You are out of your league.

 

[Almagw]

Thanks. Its over again. He had a melt down because his 7 year old shrugged at him and then he blamed me saying we had both shrugged at him. I hadnt heard a word that was said due to the very loud volume of his music and was looking at the window of his car as he chatted with his daughter.I was sitting in the back seat of his car whilst his 7 year old daughter sat in the front (a frequent thing. Yes I know, no respect for me and Im an idiot for thinking he did have respect for me) But I had no idea what was going on till we got out the car and I said I wasnt hungry. Apparently it was the wrong thing and suddenly I was the one not wanting to do anything and shrugging whenever he asked me a question. I am like always confused. But thankyou all for taking the time to read and repsond X

 

[Almagw]

Thankyou Sloth should he allow me back into his life again I will take on your advice.
Yes I know Tom. He knows as well thats why hes always looking for somebody in his league. I was just hoping for a little more time with him at the top before he left me back down the bottom in my own league.

 

[clg114]

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