Elbereth
New Member
Hello, I was introduced to this forum by a friend and fellow self-id/pre-dx autist. I have strongly suspected I am autistic for a few years. Last year I got the guts to talk to my therapist about it, who went through the DSM-V criteria with me and confirmed I meet them, at least well enough to justify an assessment; however, my therapist is not qualified to diagnose and she told me that since I am female, married, working, and can mask, it would probably be a lot of trouble with no guarantee of a successful diagnosis. At the time that was pretty gutting to hear, because the impetus that led me to bring it up in the first place was the fact that my job was slowly killing me. I was having meltdowns after work an average of 2-3 days a week. I was Really Seriously Not Okay, but no one could see it except my spouse. By January of this year, I was so burned out that I was laying the groundwork to leave my job without a plan for the fourth time in my career, because I was desperate for some kind of reprieve from the constant masking requirements and overstimulation of the office environment. I even went so far as to disclose my suspicions to my boss in a last-ditch effort to engineer a workable situation (specifically, I wanted to work from home), but that got me nowhere (nowhere good, but also nowhere worse, at least. Boss was sympathetic but said he couldn't do anything besides let me work from home on a call-in basis, which was already allowed and was in fact a source of anxiety, because I felt like I was announcing my mental state to the whole team whenever I worked from home).
Then the pandemic happened and, in a monkey's-paw-curl kind of way I got what I wanted (working from home). Since then I've been in a sort of weird limbo. The more I read and research and reflect, the more convinced I am that I'm right about this, my loquaciousness and ability to use metaphor notwithstanding. My spouse is on the same page, and in fact suspected I'm autistic several years before I had an inkling (due to his having several autistic friends over the years who were open about the fact).
When the pandemic ends, I will probably make another, more firm attempt at securing a referral and assessment. At first I felt like the diagnosis wouldn't do anything for me, since it's not like there are any official supports available for autistic adults, diagnosed or not. The autistic community online is welcoming to self-identified autistics, and that fact has almost certainly saved my life because despite everything, I know my experiences are actually quite normal for undiagnosed autistic women.
But after a lot of processing, I've realized that I really do need to stop masking all the time. Not even just because it takes so much energy, although that too, but mainly because it's tearing my soul apart to feel like I have to choose constantly between being my natural self, and being socially accepted/holding down a job/pursuing my goals. I just want to be seen for who I actually am.
And I don't believe I will feel comfortable unmasking outside close family and friends without a diagnosis. If I am wrong, I don't want to harm the autistic community by misrepresenting autism. And if I'm right, that has profound implications for treating my mental health, which has been bad for so long I'm not sure what it's like to not have some level of perpetual anxiety.
This has gotten quite long and as usual I'm not sure how to tie it off, so I'll conclude by saying thank you for reading if you've made it this far, and thank you for giving me a place to process this stuff.
Then the pandemic happened and, in a monkey's-paw-curl kind of way I got what I wanted (working from home). Since then I've been in a sort of weird limbo. The more I read and research and reflect, the more convinced I am that I'm right about this, my loquaciousness and ability to use metaphor notwithstanding. My spouse is on the same page, and in fact suspected I'm autistic several years before I had an inkling (due to his having several autistic friends over the years who were open about the fact).
When the pandemic ends, I will probably make another, more firm attempt at securing a referral and assessment. At first I felt like the diagnosis wouldn't do anything for me, since it's not like there are any official supports available for autistic adults, diagnosed or not. The autistic community online is welcoming to self-identified autistics, and that fact has almost certainly saved my life because despite everything, I know my experiences are actually quite normal for undiagnosed autistic women.
But after a lot of processing, I've realized that I really do need to stop masking all the time. Not even just because it takes so much energy, although that too, but mainly because it's tearing my soul apart to feel like I have to choose constantly between being my natural self, and being socially accepted/holding down a job/pursuing my goals. I just want to be seen for who I actually am.
And I don't believe I will feel comfortable unmasking outside close family and friends without a diagnosis. If I am wrong, I don't want to harm the autistic community by misrepresenting autism. And if I'm right, that has profound implications for treating my mental health, which has been bad for so long I'm not sure what it's like to not have some level of perpetual anxiety.
This has gotten quite long and as usual I'm not sure how to tie it off, so I'll conclude by saying thank you for reading if you've made it this far, and thank you for giving me a place to process this stuff.
I am actually a little overwhelmed by the response. I feel very welcome
