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Introduction

A

Ann Hopeful

New Member
Hello,

I am the wife of a man with undiagnosed Aspergers, however, it is undeniably obvious he has it, as he shows so many of the characteristics. I am at a crossroads after 3 years of marriage. I knew he had aspergers when I married him, but I thought he would continue to embrace learning how to deal with our unique relationship. However, he has done the opposite. He is extremely verbally abusive, and emotionally manipulative (even though most of this is more a means of survival, I believe). Nonetheless, the issue is NOT his aspergers. I am well versed and capable of understanding and compensating for many areas where he cannot meet my "emotional" needs. I am also aware that though we have many issues and obstacles, our relationship also has many positives, and focusing on the good instead of the bad has worked, and as I believe God is at the core of our marriage, I continue to work and learn and adapt.

However, the verbal and emotional abuse has gotten so bad that I am now fighting back verbally. I have never been the type of person to demean or degrade a person out of revenge, but I have taken so much for so long that I now am fighting back. Of course, this is not ok with him. He wants me to continue to cringe, pacify, and accommodate his "anger", but I refuse to do it anymore. I am tired of his bullying, and taking the high road has become impossible. This is making it quite uncomfortable, to say the least. I know I should leave, however, I don't have a place to go at the moment, and we are in business together, so leaving hurts me more than him.

I have tried calling the cops...they say if I don't like how he is talking to me, to leave. Verbal abuse and emotional abuse are not recognized as assault in South Carolina. Maybe this is my purpose..anyway, I am wondering if his verbal abuse is because of his Aspergers (as he is attempting to control his environment), or if it is unrelated, and he is simply an abuser. I want him to get help, to at least recognize that fighting fair is possible (he rebuts this suggestion), and to work to stop the verbal assaults and hitting below the belt behavior. I do not want to divorce him, I am simply unable to stay in this environment any longer without becoming an abuser myself (I have allowed myself to be a battered woman).

Kindly,
Ann
 
No, I have Asperger's and have never said a bad word to anyone, ever. I choose to be better than being someone who insults and puts others down. I think you are doing the right thing in standing up to him. Aspies, in general, have to take a moment to think about what they will say - I doubt his abusive behaviour is driven by his inner wiring and not within his control - it well might be a defense mechanism, but I see it more as a controlling mechanism.

Look after yourself, no one deserves to be treated this way. :(
 
I would seperate, require counseling and if he doesn't do complete turnaround then divorce. It doesn't matter where the abuse comes from. Who can say. Thats shrink territory. Thats for him to sort out.
 
Guppyfry said:
No, I have Asperger's and have never said a bad word to anyone, ever. I choose to be better than being someone who insults and puts others down. I think you are doing the right thing in standing up to him. Aspies, in general, have to take a moment to think about what they will say - I doubt his abusive behaviour is driven by his inner wiring and not within his control - it well might be a defense mechanism, but I see it more as a controlling mechanism.

Look after yourself, no one deserves to be treated this way. :(
Click to expand...

Wow, Gupfry, you don't know how awesome it is to get some feedback on this. I never thought to ask someone with Aspergers. I am actually grateful to hear that there might be hope. I mean, there's no way to change Aspergers, but the fact that you have the same wiring, and yet do not abuse others, at least gives me hope that he can change. Of course, I am not naïve to the fact that most "abusers" do not change, and it is more likely he will not be able to reprogram 40 adult years of learning and perfecting how to control and manipulate others. However, I believe in God, and I also believe in my husband. He really is an amazing man. I truly love him, but I fear my natural co-dependency tendencies have not helped the situation. Maybe, with Gods help, I can remove myself from the situation, get some clarity and self esteem repair, and perhaps he will be willing to "try".

Thank you so much for responding. At least I feel there is a little hope, though it is at the far end of the tunnel at the moment.

Kindly,
Ann
 
I'm sorry this is happening to you. If you really don't like this and who would then you should leave.

I wish you much luck in sorting this to your needs.
 
Some other more bad brain disorders like to ride on aspie coat tails or a person can have a non aspie disorder along with being aspie.
Most regular aspies don't like conflict because it causes overload.
Sometimes a person with a bad OCD that is being challenged can get abusive trying to protect their OCD.
Having a OCD is common among aspies but NTs and other disorder groups have them too.

But abuse is abuse....there is no reason to accept that sort of behavior....if I were you I would look for a excuse to start separating financially, and then just pack my bags and leave quietly while he is away.

And not tell him the new address....that is the safest way.
 
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
A personality disorder in which the individual has a distorted self-image,
unstable and intense emotions, is overly preoccupied with vanity, prestige,
power and personal adequacy, lacks empathy, and has an exaggerated
sense of superiority. NPD is closely associated with egocentrism—
a personality characteristic in which people see themselves and
their interests and opinions as the only ones that really matter.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/10/understanding-the-language-of-narcissistic-abuse/



 
I have never met a truly abusive or especially manipulative aspie, in fact I'm not sure an aspie could or would be manipulative at all. I agree with the others that it could be something else that simply has some characteristics in common with AS.

As someone who has been physically abused, I must object to referring to yourself as battered however. I have nothing but the deepest sympathy for your situation, and I agree that verbal abuse is still abuse, but battery is by definition physical rather than verbal.
 
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