WechtleinUns
Well-Known Member
This is difficult for me to do. I've had Aspergers syndrome my entire life, but was only diagnosed at the young age of 19. Since graduating from High School, I have gone to college, dropped out, gotten a job, suffered an emotional breakdown, and have recently spent the last year and a half recuperating. I will be returning to the university this fall.
During this time, I have thrown myself into the pursuit of self-improvement, in all aspects of the term. Given that I was already very high functioning, the effort that I have put forth into improvement has yielded extremely large rewards. In most social situations, Indeed, in pretty much all social situations, I have developed the confidence to act as I wish, and suffer little to no repercussions. In fact, I have recently found, strangely enough, that people actually enjoy being around me. It can be somewhat of a hindrance. Socializing is still taxing on me, to a degree.
But I think that what has really helped me is the approach that I have taken to self-improvement. From my perspective, skills are skills, no matter how intuitive some people may say they be. In that respect, I have come to appreciate the value of hard-work in mastering any skill, whether that skill be computer science, learning a language, writing a novel, or simply hanging out with friends. To the extent that this rule applies, I find that my skills in a wide variety of areas surpass even those on the Neurotypical spectrum.
Having said that, I am not without problems. A few months, I was getting to the point where I could do more than simply "pass" as a Neurotypical. I was getting to the point where other Neurotypicals were inviting me out to events simply because they wanted me to be there. I was getting to the point where, if I told someone I was autistic, they would never have believed me. I was feeling good, I suppose. But, to reiterate, I am not without problems. And it seems that facing up to my autistic past is one of them.
I have hit some kind of road-block in my self-improvement. The past week, I have been feeling rather similiar to a burned out light bulb. Perhaps I expended to much energy at once. Perhaps I overshot and ended up exhausting myself. It would make sense. You see, even though my social skills have improved quite dramatically, the advantages of having an Aspergers temperament remain. When it comes to self-improvement, I find that I am able to summon incredible amounts of energy and focus that yields fast results. Indeed, I have been using these bursts of energy to progress in various projects at an alarmingly rapid rate.
But this too brings its own set of problems with it. There is the issue of burn out, of course. There is also the fact that, in using up these large amounts of energy, I also require correspondingly larger amounts of rest.
And then there is the trouble with my emotions. Sometimes I feel that the majority of the differences between Neurotypical and Aspergers physiology stems from just two basic deviations in Neurological Circuitry. And one of these deviations is the result of the other. I would describe the difference thus: If a Neurotypical can be said to always connect Emotions with Intellect, then an Aspergers Individual can be said to interact with Emotions and Intellect separately, on an individual basis. So, while an Aspie like myself has full access to the intensity of his emotions and the power of his intellect, his approach to these two things differs a great deal. If we can say the Aspergers is an overall increase in intensity and sensitivity of the central nervous system, then the Aspergers approach to logic and rationality, as well as their approach to Emotion, can be explained.
For example, I gravitated towards logic and rationality as a youth, because my emotions were simply too intense. Logic and Rationality is much easier to deal with, because it doesn't produce an accompanying panic attack. The focus required to play a strategy board game can be used to perform analysis of the situation. This benefits us a great deal.
On the other side, however, emotions are quite scary. Especially in environments that are noisy or chaotic, or provide a great deal of stimulation. I suspect that Neurotypicals go through the same fears and emotional tribulations as children. The difference is that the Neurotypical has no choice but to learn to deal with these fears. The rational intellect and emotional mind are inextricably linked in the Neurotypical, so that development in the Neurotypical mind in one area can not be undertaken without development in the other.
It is different with Aspergers. I find that we, perhaps more often that we would like to admit, have the ability to choose. And more often that not, we choose logical rationality, because that is the easier choice. It makes sense, when you stop to think about it. Illustrate the point, water always flows downhill, because that is the path of least resistance in the face of gravity. If you wish the water to be brought back to the top of the mountain, then you will need energy(Fortunately enough, the energy of the sun is enough to power the water cycle, bringing the water back to the top of the mountain. This illustrates the need for energy, though that energy need not be physically manifested by you. It could come from any source, and so long as it is directed, can be used to achieve a great deal more than any one man could do by his own power).
I will say this. Mastering the emotions is among the greatest challenges of my life. It requires the aid of conscious introspection. You have to be willing to sit down, and let the panic flow through you. You have to be willing to get acquainted with the panic and the fear, and to invest the effort towards understanding it. I find that Aspergers have an especially difficult time with this, for we tend to experience both sides of the equation, logic and emotion, with much greater intensity. In the case of Logic, it is easy to use to our advantage and to assimilate into our being. The intensity of our emotions, however, creates in us a kind of panic and fear that we, in our youthfulness, shun away all to often. The benefits of even just attempting to tackle both sides of the equation, however, have yielded gains of greatness I could never have logically anticipated.
By no means have a mastered my emotions. Such a thing takes years, perhaps decades, to accomplish. And yet, the results from trying reap immediate benefits. For one, I am now able to understand sarcasm and hinting to a degree that is above average for the Neurotypical. I am also able to make jokes and appropriate comments, as well as understand body language even better than my Neurotypical Parents can. I can sense when others are hurt by my words, and am much more confident in dealing with others. Much more sure of my movements, and steady of my hand.
The problem is, not only am I burnt out at the moment. I am also afraid. I have been slowly realizing something. With hard work and diligence, I can take my skills, both emotional and intellectual, to a place very few are willing to go. It has awoken in me an ambition, of sorts. An ambition that is at once exhilarating, and unsettling.
This is only my introductory post. And like this post, this is only the beginning.
During this time, I have thrown myself into the pursuit of self-improvement, in all aspects of the term. Given that I was already very high functioning, the effort that I have put forth into improvement has yielded extremely large rewards. In most social situations, Indeed, in pretty much all social situations, I have developed the confidence to act as I wish, and suffer little to no repercussions. In fact, I have recently found, strangely enough, that people actually enjoy being around me. It can be somewhat of a hindrance. Socializing is still taxing on me, to a degree.
But I think that what has really helped me is the approach that I have taken to self-improvement. From my perspective, skills are skills, no matter how intuitive some people may say they be. In that respect, I have come to appreciate the value of hard-work in mastering any skill, whether that skill be computer science, learning a language, writing a novel, or simply hanging out with friends. To the extent that this rule applies, I find that my skills in a wide variety of areas surpass even those on the Neurotypical spectrum.
Having said that, I am not without problems. A few months, I was getting to the point where I could do more than simply "pass" as a Neurotypical. I was getting to the point where other Neurotypicals were inviting me out to events simply because they wanted me to be there. I was getting to the point where, if I told someone I was autistic, they would never have believed me. I was feeling good, I suppose. But, to reiterate, I am not without problems. And it seems that facing up to my autistic past is one of them.
I have hit some kind of road-block in my self-improvement. The past week, I have been feeling rather similiar to a burned out light bulb. Perhaps I expended to much energy at once. Perhaps I overshot and ended up exhausting myself. It would make sense. You see, even though my social skills have improved quite dramatically, the advantages of having an Aspergers temperament remain. When it comes to self-improvement, I find that I am able to summon incredible amounts of energy and focus that yields fast results. Indeed, I have been using these bursts of energy to progress in various projects at an alarmingly rapid rate.
But this too brings its own set of problems with it. There is the issue of burn out, of course. There is also the fact that, in using up these large amounts of energy, I also require correspondingly larger amounts of rest.
And then there is the trouble with my emotions. Sometimes I feel that the majority of the differences between Neurotypical and Aspergers physiology stems from just two basic deviations in Neurological Circuitry. And one of these deviations is the result of the other. I would describe the difference thus: If a Neurotypical can be said to always connect Emotions with Intellect, then an Aspergers Individual can be said to interact with Emotions and Intellect separately, on an individual basis. So, while an Aspie like myself has full access to the intensity of his emotions and the power of his intellect, his approach to these two things differs a great deal. If we can say the Aspergers is an overall increase in intensity and sensitivity of the central nervous system, then the Aspergers approach to logic and rationality, as well as their approach to Emotion, can be explained.
For example, I gravitated towards logic and rationality as a youth, because my emotions were simply too intense. Logic and Rationality is much easier to deal with, because it doesn't produce an accompanying panic attack. The focus required to play a strategy board game can be used to perform analysis of the situation. This benefits us a great deal.
On the other side, however, emotions are quite scary. Especially in environments that are noisy or chaotic, or provide a great deal of stimulation. I suspect that Neurotypicals go through the same fears and emotional tribulations as children. The difference is that the Neurotypical has no choice but to learn to deal with these fears. The rational intellect and emotional mind are inextricably linked in the Neurotypical, so that development in the Neurotypical mind in one area can not be undertaken without development in the other.
It is different with Aspergers. I find that we, perhaps more often that we would like to admit, have the ability to choose. And more often that not, we choose logical rationality, because that is the easier choice. It makes sense, when you stop to think about it. Illustrate the point, water always flows downhill, because that is the path of least resistance in the face of gravity. If you wish the water to be brought back to the top of the mountain, then you will need energy(Fortunately enough, the energy of the sun is enough to power the water cycle, bringing the water back to the top of the mountain. This illustrates the need for energy, though that energy need not be physically manifested by you. It could come from any source, and so long as it is directed, can be used to achieve a great deal more than any one man could do by his own power).
I will say this. Mastering the emotions is among the greatest challenges of my life. It requires the aid of conscious introspection. You have to be willing to sit down, and let the panic flow through you. You have to be willing to get acquainted with the panic and the fear, and to invest the effort towards understanding it. I find that Aspergers have an especially difficult time with this, for we tend to experience both sides of the equation, logic and emotion, with much greater intensity. In the case of Logic, it is easy to use to our advantage and to assimilate into our being. The intensity of our emotions, however, creates in us a kind of panic and fear that we, in our youthfulness, shun away all to often. The benefits of even just attempting to tackle both sides of the equation, however, have yielded gains of greatness I could never have logically anticipated.
By no means have a mastered my emotions. Such a thing takes years, perhaps decades, to accomplish. And yet, the results from trying reap immediate benefits. For one, I am now able to understand sarcasm and hinting to a degree that is above average for the Neurotypical. I am also able to make jokes and appropriate comments, as well as understand body language even better than my Neurotypical Parents can. I can sense when others are hurt by my words, and am much more confident in dealing with others. Much more sure of my movements, and steady of my hand.
The problem is, not only am I burnt out at the moment. I am also afraid. I have been slowly realizing something. With hard work and diligence, I can take my skills, both emotional and intellectual, to a place very few are willing to go. It has awoken in me an ambition, of sorts. An ambition that is at once exhilarating, and unsettling.
This is only my introductory post. And like this post, this is only the beginning.
