Intrusive thoughts about getting a girlfriend

[oregano]

Ever since I returned here to Jefferson in mid-September I have been annoyed by semi-persistent thoughts of getting a girlfriend. Make an OK Cupid or Tinder account! Go for it!

But here's the thing, I don't want a girlfriend!

I am perfectly fine with my life alone and away from other people. I don't want somebody else's drama in my life. On top of that, this is a rural (and semi-rural on the other side of the pass in southwest Oregon) area and the available women aren't available, having been snapped up long ago. Also, even in Sacramento I found that I mainly attracted women who were severely mentally ill, which tells you how great of a catch I am NOT!

I know all this, but I still have what I classify as intrusive thoughts, since they are unwanted and urge me to do things I object to. What can I do about them?

 

[Slime_Punk]

Asking a professional is always the best step when in doubt, but is it maybe stemming from general curiosity? I think it would be considered normal for single people to wonder what their life would be like in a relationship and even vice versa, but to what degree that negatively impacts you may vary.

Also, are you implying that 'all the good ones are all taken'? Typically, when you consider compatibility between two humans in a relationship setting, and how many people there are on this planet (not to mention, probably near all of us at any given time), this is almost certainly not the case. Not that it matters, of course, since you might not like entertaining the idea of a relationship, but typically this notion is easily-debunked.

 

[tree]

A search of the topic yields many sources of information.
Here's a sample of the first four results.
Links to them are included at the end of this post.

From Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts

https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/September-2022/Dealing-with-Intrusive-Thoughts
https://psychcentral.com/health/ways-to-let-go-of-stuck-thoughts#tips
https://mcpress.mayoclinic.org/mental-health/coping-with-unwanted-and-intrusive-thoughts/

 

[PHOton]

Ever since I returned here to Jefferson in mid-September I have been annoyed by semi-persistent thoughts of getting a girlfriend. Make an OK Cupid or Tinder account! Go for it!

But here's the thing, I don't want a girlfriend!

I am perfectly fine with my life alone and away from other people. I don't want somebody else's drama in my life. On top of that, this is a rural (and semi-rural on the other side of the pass in southwest Oregon) area and the available women aren't available, having been snapped up long ago. Also, even in Sacramento I found that I mainly attracted women who were severely mentally ill, which tells you how great of a catch I am NOT!

I know all this, but I still have what I classify as intrusive thoughts, since they are unwanted and urge me to do things I object to. What can I do about them?

I think the primordial brain is playing out here: the need for a compatible partner symbolizes security and a lot of other benefits. Having a community of people who understand, support and care for u is enough to keep u going. The subconscious mind will want to force u to be in any kind of relationship (even toxic ones) but hold on u will meet the right partner one day through effort though

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

doing things alone is fine, depending on what they are. 4 years ago I went to Morocco and really had a great time with a bunch of geologists and amateurs. I helped out to ensure that everybody had a nice time. That's just the way I am. Now I am traveling back for more geology. This time I have borrowed my niece, now an adult, because this does not interest my spouse. Again I plan to have a good time and hope to meet interesting people. Being alone is not terrible, yet one may engage nicely with people as necessary and keep a sense of balance.

 

[oregano]

@tree: I have been suffering through low-intensity semi-flashback thoughts about things I did in the past (like sometimes high school, which was 30+ years ago) that really hurt/traumatized people. I have just waited those out similar to what you posted. I know I did those bad things, I know that the people I did them to are long gone having long since moved on with their lives and forgotten about me and what I did to them, and thus there will never be a true resolution. A couple times I wrote apology letters then immediately deleted them, and that helped.

What is so disturbing about this is that it's not regrets from a past I cannot change, but an impulse to do something in the future that is a disturbing thing for me to think about. @PHOton is right I think, it's all about the "reptilian brain" being programmed for partnership/marriage/family even though the upper levels of my brain are impacted by autism to the point that partnership/romance is very unlikely.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

This is very tough. I experience them, too, but I don't really see them as intrusive thoughts. I try to think about what they can teach me. There is something there.

I consider these thoughts a thick bush I am wandering through. I have left space more easy to pass. I must cut through and navigate something more wild, more in control. But, I like to think it serves its purpose. I must understand its way.

That's not easy when they can feel like an onslaught. But, I guess you have to ride them through, regardless.

 

[Aspychata]

Like l see and understand this. The spiritual way is to visualize who you want to manifest and show up, like what would she look like, where would you meet her, what would her name be? The other way, is to find a new passion, a new hobby. Maybe a music instrument, maybe writing, maybe learning martial art forms. Martial arts is a very disciplined art form. Or just keep searching for your other person. Sending kind thoughts.