Irish exit

[daniegirl6224]

Who else here typically resorts to the Irish exit? Has anyone found any better socially acceptable alternatives? Looking for short scripts etc. Thank you

 

[tree]

Is an Irish exit actually rude? An etiquette expert weighs in

"Simply put, an Irish exit is leaving without saying goodbye."

First I had to find out what "Irish Exit" meant.

 

[Rodafina]

If I am with people I know well who already understand my social challenges, I preemptively let them know that I will just slip out quietly when I'm ready to leave.

I don't find myself in other situations or social gatherings besides with family members these days. But when I have been in the past, I wouldn't hesitate to quietly exit without a word.

 

[Judge]

I've never really given it any thought. Truly, if I feel I need to exit a social event for reasons I'd not rather share, I don't feel I owe anyone any explanation.

Besides, only a buck eejit of a host would be so scundered to address a guest if they chose to "leave the English way".


"However, the actual origin of the Irish exit is unknown. In other countries, leaving without saying goodbye is known as a "French exit," "Polish exit," or "leaving the English way."

Regardless of the term's birthplace, the Irish exit continues to raise etiquette questions. Read on to find out whether the Irish exit is a social faux pas, or just a seamless way to say goodbye."

Is an Irish exit actually rude? An etiquette expert weighs in

 

[tree]

https://twitter.com/x/status/1367535319730417666

 

[Tiffany Kate]

Ideally, define the problem first. What, precisely, is difficult about saying goodbye? (Could be lots of things - just talking to people, finding the right moment, butting in to actually say it, not just the script. How you deal with the problem depends on what the problem actually is.)

To be honest, I generally don't do social events; when I do, I can't remember a time when I've left without saying goodbye at least to the people there that I knew best. If you go to lots, it's worth hanging around where you can watch what other people do.

As I see it, the objective of saying goodbye is:
- So that the host (if any) knows you've gone and they shouldn't look under the beds or behind the doors for you; if you're in the pub, they'll know you've left and aren't trapped in the toilets.
- To express appreciation for any trouble the host (if any) has gone to, and confirm that they did the job well by expressing your enjoyment of the event.
- To express to your friends that you enjoyed their company.

However, if you've got no objections to the goodbye process other than not knowing what to say, what you possibly need is a framework that works, then you can adjust your script to fit the event. The same goodbye speech is a bit like the same dress: after you've used it two or three times, people will start to notice.

Here are my ideas (bearing in mind that I'm British, and different cultures may do things differently):

FOR EVENTS WHERE YOU WERE INVITED BY THE HOST

1.If you're leaving earlier than everyone else, tell them you're sorry you've got to leave (implying that you don't want to leave, not that leaving is morally wrong). If you're leaving at the same time as everyone else, no need.
2. Say thank you for the invitation.
3. Make some remark about how much you enjoyed the event.
4. Make some specific remark about the event.
5. Add any other remark about keeping in touch, when you'll see them again, contacting them later, etc. Or just thank them again.

So it could be...

"I'm sorry - I've got to leave now - my pet rhinoceros gets cranky if I'm not home by 10pm. Thanks so much for inviting me - I've had a lovely time and it was so interesting to see your collection of earwax. Thanks again!"

FOR EVENTS WHERE THERE ISN'T AN OFFICIAL HOST (e.g. pub night)

1. Same "leaving" announcement as before (with apology if you're leaving early).
2. No need to thank anyone for the invitation, but you should say you enjoyed the event.
3. Make some remark about the event.
4. Ditto regarding keeping in touch etc.

So it could be:

"Right, I'm off, guys - I've got to see a man about a dog. It's been great - I never knew it was even possible to do THAT with a lemon! See you on Monday!"

FOR EVENTS WITH VERY GOOD FRIENDS/REGULAR EVENTS

1. Same "leaving" announcement as before (with apology if you're leaving early).
2. Short remark about enjoyment/the event.
2. Ditto regarding keeping in touch etc.

"Right, that's it for me, guys - I can only take so much fun at one time! See you next time!"

For some events, especially with people you know well, or large events where the host is busy, even just catching someone's (the host's, if there is one) eye, smiling and waving will do.

And if you truly, truly can't bear to do "goodbye things" at the event, consider sending a thank-you email or text after you get home - this is more applicable to events with a host.

People who know you find it difficult will understand if you just quietly fade out, though.

Whether you care what people who don't know you so well think is up to you. While you don't want to live your life according to what other people think, sometimes conforming to expectations either makes your life easier or means you don't hurt anyone else's feelings unnecessarily.

But if you really need to leave.... just leave!

 

[daniegirl6224]

Ideally, define the problem first. What, precisely, is difficult about saying goodbye? (Could be lots of things - just talking to people, finding the right moment, butting in to actually say it, not just the script. How you deal with the problem depends on what the problem actually is.)

To be honest, I generally don't do social events; when I do, I can't remember a time when I've left without saying goodbye at least to the people there that I knew best. If you go to lots, it's worth hanging around where you can watch what other people do.

As I see it, the objective of saying goodbye is:
- So that the host (if any) knows you've gone and they shouldn't look under the beds or behind the doors for you; if you're in the pub, they'll know you've left and aren't trapped in the toilets.
- To express appreciation for any trouble the host (if any) has gone to, and confirm that they did the job well by expressing your enjoyment of the event.
- To express to your friends that you enjoyed their company.

However, if you've got no objections to the goodbye process other than not knowing what to say, what you possibly need is a framework that works, then you can adjust your script to fit the event. The same goodbye speech is a bit like the same dress: after you've used it two or three times, people will start to notice.

Here are my ideas (bearing in mind that I'm British, and different cultures may do things differently):

FOR EVENTS WHERE YOU WERE INVITED BY THE HOST

1.If you're leaving earlier than everyone else, tell them you're sorry you've got to leave (implying that you don't want to leave, not that leaving is morally wrong). If you're leaving at the same time as everyone else, no need.
2. Say thank you for the invitation.
3. Make some remark about how much you enjoyed the event.
4. Make some specific remark about the event.
5. Add any other remark about keeping in touch, when you'll see them again, contacting them later, etc. Or just thank them again.

So it could be...

"I'm sorry - I've got to leave now - my pet rhinoceros gets cranky if I'm not home by 10pm. Thanks so much for inviting me - I've had a lovely time and it was so interesting to see your collection of earwax. Thanks again!"

FOR EVENTS WHERE THERE ISN'T AN OFFICIAL HOST (e.g. pub night)

1. Same "leaving" announcement as before (with apology if you're leaving early).
2. No need to thank anyone for the invitation, but you should say you enjoyed the event.
3. Make some remark about the event.
4. Ditto regarding keeping in touch etc.

So it could be:

"Right, I'm off, guys - I've got to see a man about a dog. It's been great - I never knew it was even possible to do THAT with a lemon! See you on Monday!"

FOR EVENTS WITH VERY GOOD FRIENDS/REGULAR EVENTS

1. Same "leaving" announcement as before (with apology if you're leaving early).
2. Short remark about enjoyment/the event.
2. Ditto regarding keeping in touch etc.

"Right, that's it for me, guys - I can only take so much fun at one time! See you next time!"

For some events, especially with people you know well, or large events where the host is busy, even just catching someone's (the host's, if there is one) eye, smiling and waving will do.

And if you truly, truly can't bear to do "goodbye things" at the event, consider sending a thank-you email or text after you get home - this is more applicable to events with a host.

People who know you find it difficult will understand if you just quietly fade out, though.

Whether you care what people who don't know you so well think is up to you. While you don't want to live your life according to what other people think, sometimes conforming to expectations either makes your life easier or means you don't hurt anyone else's feelings unnecessarily.

But if you really need to leave.... just leave!

This was extremely helpful! Thank you so much! I’ve actually never thought about why leaving/saying goodbye is so hard. I think it’s a combination of all the things you mentioned- “just talking to people, finding the right moment, butting in to actually say it” and also knowing what to say. Thank you so much for your help.

 

[Mary Terry]

https://twitter.com/x/status/1367535319730417666

There you go! Everyone thinks everyone else is rude.

 

[Forest Cat]

I did that a lot when I was younger, but not so much now because it's a little rude. So now I usually say bye or something.

I have also done the Norwegian exit more than once. That's when you get drunk and leave in a very loud and chaotic way, pillaging and fire is usually involved. It draws attention to you, it's a spectacle.

 

[Judge]

I have also done the Norwegian exit more than once. That's when you get drunk and leave in a very loud and chaotic way, pillaging and fire is usually involved.

It's all good. Just make sure to leave with a sword in your hand.

To be square with Odin on your exit.

 

[Forest Cat]

It's all good. Just make sure to leave with a sword in your hand.

To be square with Odin on your exit.

I never leave without my sword.

 

[Outdated]

For me it depends on the situation. If I'm attending an event with someone then I'd never just desert them and leave them sitting there. If it's an event I'm attending by myself then I find just disappearing in to the night a lot easier.

When I was 18 I got blind drunk with a mate one night, just sitting in the back yard and talking. I remember going inside when the mosquitos started getting bad. I remember sitting down in the lounge and taking my shoes off, after that it's blank, I woke up in my bed the next morning.

It's very rare for me to ever lose memory and I had to ask my mate the next day what had happened. We moved inside, I sat down in the lounge and took my shoes off, then I got up and turned all the lights off and left him sitting there in the dark. He sat there for a while waiting to see what the joke was, eventually he got up and turned the lights on to see what had happened to me. I had gone to bed, sound asleep.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

The so-called "Irish exit", leaving without saying "Good-bye", is relatively common in my life. However, this is often in situations where I may be conversing with a person, then another person walks up and joins the conversation. A "neurotypical" conversation begins, the quick back and forth banter that I cannot process quick enough to participate in. The original person I was speaking with has now directed all their attention to this new person, I am left out, and I will simply walk away quietly.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I do it now and then. Each year, the charity I work for holds a large awards ceremony. Hundreds of people in a very large, fancy hotel function room. It's a lot of visual and auditory noise. Last year was my first year working there, and attending these awards. I had done a shift earlier that day - and whilst I knew it would be a busy evening, and I'd be leaving early; it was more exhausting than anticipated.

I felt a little out of sorts. Dizzy at times, and uncomfortable. They sat me on a table where I knew nobody. The 2 tables next to me were full of the people I did know.

After inhaling my 3 course meal, I did an Irish goodbye. I had a few people text me as I walked back to my car, asking me where I was etc. The food was lovely, and I'd always wanted to go inside this particular hotel in Cambridge. It has beautiful Art Deco inside, which is a favourite style of mine.

I think this year I will aim to take the day off, so I can be fully relaxed before going. Plus I know what to expect now.

Ed