Is ignoring someone you don't feel like talking to mean?

[SunnyDay16]

I am an aspie who happens to be lesbian. I don't mean to sound like a braggart, but I do think I look decent looking, especially when I put some extra time into my appearance (makeup, hair). I definitely don't "look" like the a stereotypical autistic person. Also I do have mostly passable social skills, at least when I'm not exhausted, so I can pass as a quiet NT.

I do sometimes attract attention from the opposite sex and that includes aspie males. I used to have no issues befriending the opposite sex, but now I've come to realize that many of these friendships fade away since many of these guys end up having feelings for me and, being lesbian, I obviously don't feel the same way. So now when a guy messages me I tend to feel a bit iffy about having a friendship with them, because 9 times out of 10 they don't end really well. I don't like rejecting guys, especially if they are awesome guys, so I avoid friendships with them by just not initiating conversations really.

I do feel bad for not really interacting with them, but I don't want to get into friendships I feel aren't going to last you know? Also there's a sense of awkwardness having to come out to that person if they start to dig you. I know not all guys I become friends with will end up falling for me, but it's just not something I want to risk.

What do you guys think?

 

[Judge]

Your concerns make perfectly good sense to me. I suppose the difficulty might be in being able to determine only those who wish to be friends and those who somehow yearn for something more from you.

I can only suggest logically to be able to frequently convey your sexual orientation to them as friends as a-subtle-or-not reminder. This way you get to have friends with the least possibility of an unwanted advance.

Unless of course this involves those mentalities of arrogant idiots who think they can "change you". Though hopefully that's a "a vibe" you can detect before even considering befriending them.

 

[SunnyDay16]

Your concerns make perfectly good sense to me. I suppose the difficulty might be in being able to determine only those who wish to be friends and those who somehow yearn for something more from you.

I can only suggest logically to be able to frequently convey your sexual orientation to them as friends as a-subtle-or-not reminder. This way you get to have friends with the least possibility of an unwanted advance.

Unless of course this involves those mentalities of arrogant idiots who think they can "change you". Though hopefully that's a "a vibe" you can detect before even considering befriending them.

Nobody has tried to "convert" me yet, thankfully. Some do react with disbelief that I can't "possibly" be a lesbian, but they don't seem ill-intentioned or anything, more just ignorant about the fact that there are many types of lesbians.

 

[Judge]

Some do react with disbelief that I can't "possibly" be a lesbian, but they don't seem ill-intentioned or anything, more just ignorant about the fact that there are many types of lesbians.

Those types strike me precisely as the ones you should probably distance yourself from. Who may indeed not "seem" with ill-intentions at the time.

Stick with "enlightened" peers- if you can find them.

Simply put, it won't serve you to allow males to guess about such things.

 

[dragoncat16]

I definitely don't "look" like the a stereotypical autistic person.

Some do react with disbelief that I can't "possibly" be a lesbian

Maybe if you don't look like a stereotypical autistic person (whatever that person may look like), you also don't look like a stereotypical lesbian. Just saying.

 

[SunnyDay16]

Maybe if you don't look like a stereotypical autistic person (whatever that person may look like), you also don't look like a stereotypical lesbian. Just saying.

That's probably it. I do have long hair and wear makeup and such, so the thought of me being lesbian usually doesn't cross most people's minds.

 

[Gracey]

That's probably it. I do have long hair and wear makeup and such, so the thought of me being lesbian usually doesn't cross most people's minds.

Although not everyone has to look like a bull dyke in order to be a lesbian though right?

Be more Aspie and set out your stall up front? If you're detecting 'flirt' from males, just let them know you're not interested?
If they no longer wish to continue to build a friendly relationship with you, what can you do ?
It's their choice.

Don't change a single thing about yourself just to avoid uncomfortable situations. Can you really be responsible for someone else's decision or perception or view or how they classify their view of the world and the boxes everyone fits into?

 

[Fitzo]

In my experience there are not many straight men who are interested in a purely platonic relationship with an attractive woman, regardless of her sexual orientation. Unfortunately I think you can assume they are hoping for more. Of course there are always exceptions, but not many.
I'm not gay, but I've had exactly the same experience as you and frankly it really annoys me. I've met some great guys whose company I've really enjoyed but haven't been physically attracted to. It seems the worst thing you can say to a man is that you like them as a friend.

For obvious reasons, gay men make much better friends.

 

[xudo]

I think in the situation you've described, it's perfectly acceptable to not respond. In fact, in any situation it's acceptable to not respond, if you don't want to. My sister recently broke up with her long term boyfriend, and now she has men coming out of the woodwork all over the place looking to start something with her. Most are people she has known for a long time (and most she has always had a feeling wanted more than friendship) and she keeps telling me how she feels bad not responding or telling them she's not interested. I keep saying to just not respond but she doesn't want to look "mean". I think if you don't want to respond, then don't.

 

[Chance]

Is ignoring someone you don't feel like talking to mean?


My guess is that you are attractive or else guys wouldn't be coming on to you... Of course always be yourself, and there is no point in leading them on... but also take it as a complement of what you were blessed with. : )