Is it a communication issue or is it normal?

[epath13]

So ... I'm sitting in a dentist's office, hoping nobody will attempt to talk to me... I'm not so lucky this time. Here's the situation: a clerk says to a patient that he has to pay $100 because his insurance doesn't pay for the examination but it will pay for the root canal in full. My thoughts: "That guy is lucky!". A woman on my left might have seen me moving my lips when I've been thinking that (I do it sometimes ). So she starts talking right away: "that's how they get you. They invite you for an examination just so you pay that money. When I had my root canal at the other office, they just did it without the examination.... " or something like that. I'm like. OK..not sure how to process that. If insurance pays for your exams you're not going to pay that $100 out of your pocket and the other dentist most likely includes the exam price in the root canal bill. But saying all that doesn't seem appropriate so I just nod, smile and say "yeah, that's interesting..." or maybe "yeah, that's weird..." for me the conversation is over but she keeps staring at me, convinced that I have something else to say. Then the patient guy sits down and they start talking about the same thing, then about Comed, then about retirement and on and on. I'm looking at them wondering what is going on, why can't I do this. I mean I can initiate a conversation, I can express my opinion about something but in this kinds of situations it feels like their brains are working faster than mine. I've heard before that people on the spectrum seem to be more comfortable when they are prepared for conversation. But you can't be prepared to every single conversation on Earth. Variations somehow don't mean much me. I need to have an exact conversation that I'm prepared for or almost exact. Now I'm thinking is it really that abnormal, do NTs have that problem as well? So far I haven't met one NT who could relate to that. So maybe it is really an Asperger's thing... BTW I noticed that lots of folks here don't seem to have that issue or am I wrong?

 

[Occasional_Demon]

There are times when I'm like that - I might be in a situation where I'm not exactly prepared for social interaction, and then someone talks to me and I get flustered and don't know how exactly to respond. I think if I was in the same situation as you, I probably would've responded to the person in much the same way.

I generally find that if I'm expecting some sort of conversation [say, I'm going to a social gathering] or if I'm in the context of something that I'm familiar with [i.e. a guitar shop] then I have less of a problem with initiating and carrying on a conversation. For me, it depends partly on context and partly on expectation.

 

[Christian T]

BTW I noticed that lots of folks here don't seem to have that issue or am I wrong?

Well, I certainly have that issue. Being left behind, not really understanding why someone feels that something is an outrage, or how to respond without offending them or appearing childish. This sis why I much prefer a one-on-one conversation, because at least then I have some hope of keeping up because there's no one else who's going to respond, and it's not too absurd to come back to something if I have a point that it took me a while to think of.

Honestly, when someone's talking, most of my focus is on understanding what they're saying, so it takes me a while to form my own assessment. It's quite frustrating.

Sorry if I was too late to reply.

 

[Arashi222]

For me these days its generally way worse with people I don't know. I have no idea how to keep the conversation going. If its someone I am relatively secure with I am all right with jus saying I don't know how to do this or I don't get it or whatever. I tend to be left behind in conversations because I don't process that fast and I sit there thinking its so easy for them I don't understand. But I always take a deep breath and try again. I can often handle customers conversations within the script or if they what I consider my customers. those are people I even remind of them of things they forget sometimes on their list. These people I don't have trouble with and maybe that's because they automatically prompt me when I don't know what to do.

 

[Kelly]

Epath I would have responded in the same way, if I'm prepared for possible conversation then I'm not as bad as when it's random. Example we went to my daughter's school for a family picnic thing, I was prepared for some conversation as no doubt we'd see other parents we knew. We ended up sitting with 4 other parents whilst the kids ran off to play, it was still awkward but I was able to talk a little because I've known these people for 4 years now and had several possible conversations already played out in my head.

Then there was yesterday at the supermarket, I was helping my mother in law pack her shopping when the girl at the till pointed at my face and said "did that hurt?". I only just heard her because I was concentrating on packing correctly as well as the noise of a busy supermarket making my head spin. Anyway I fogged over and thought 'wtf is she on about' then she followed up with "I was thinking of getting one done" and that's when I realised she meant my piercings, so I quickly said no it didn't. My mother in law started engaging in conversation with her with me being awkward as ever, it went something like this.....

Mother in Law: No it didn't hurt her at all, she had them done ages ago, how long have you had them done now Kelly?
Me: Uhm...(trying desperately to work out the year) uhm...5 years..or 6
Cashier: Oh, I was thinking of getting a monroe
MIL: Oh you should it would look great
Cashier: Do you think? I wasn't sure because I've got this mole see(points)
MIL: Oh yes it would look great, you can barely see the mole, I wouldn't have noticed if you hadn't said
Cashier: Oh but what about the pain, I'm such a wimp
MIL: Oh go on it won't hurt
ME: (after working out that I had them done when my daughter was about 2) 5 years
MIL:What?
Me: I've had them done 5 years ago, Kyoko was still in a pushchair but I went with Marie so it would have been 5 years ago, well actually just under because we didn't go until a few months after her little boys party which was in June so it would have been about August so not quite 5 years yet.
Cashier: I like how you have 3 it looks nice
Me: (awkward smile) uhm thanks
Cashier: Did you get them all done at once?
Me: No
MIL: You had your labret done first didn't you and then got the other 2 at the same time with Marie
Me: Snakebites
Cashier: Huh?
Me: They are called snakebites
Cashier: Oh right, some people don't suit alot of piercings but yours look really good
Me: Thanks (and then thinking I have 3 facial piercings, hardly alot)
MIL: Oh I couldn't get them done, I hate needles, I always fancied a little tattoo on my ankle but I just can't handle needles
Cashier: Oh I'd love a tattoo, do you have any tattoos?
Me: Yes
Cashier: Did it hurt?
Me: No
Cashier: I bet it would hurt me, I can't handle pain
MIL: Me either, that's why I've never had one done and I'm too old now
Cashier: Oh don't be silly your not too old
MIL: Oh I am, I'm past all that now
Cashier: I think it's fine if people in their 40's get tats
MIL: Oh aren't you lovely but I'm not in my 40's, I'm in my 60's
Cashier: Really? oh my god you would never guess you look so young!
MIL: Well thank you, that has just made my year
Me: You have your hands injected for you arthritus, I imagine that's more painful then a tattoo ever would be (yep I was still on that)
MIL: Yes but it's probably a different pain
Cashier: Right that will be ?62.54 (or around that, it was 62 something)
MIL: Gosh that is alot I only came in for some bread and a few bits
Cashier: Yeah I know it's terrible isn't it
Me: Well you did get a bottle of wine that cost ?10, Kyoko's toy that you got her was ?6 and you have lots of organic vegetables too it all adds up very quickly
MIL: Mmmmm yeah, it's amazing how no matter where you go with her she manages to talk you into getting her a toy, I dont know how she does it, it's like she hypnotises me *laughs*
Cashier: awww but I bet she's worth it
MIL: Oh yes she's lovely
Cashier: Have a nice day
MIL: you too, bye
Me: I mumble a bye as I push the trolley away

That is pretty much every random conversation I have, except if I'm on my own there is no one to keep it going because I take so long processing what they have said that I either miss the opportunity to tell them things or I get so flustered I just answer yes/no/ or whatever the quickest response is.

 

[Christian T]

For me these days its generally way worse with people I don't know. I have no idea how to keep the conversation going. If its someone I am relatively secure with I am all right with jus saying I don't know how to do this or I don't get it or whatever. I tend to be left behind in conversations because I don't process that fast and I sit there thinking its so easy for them I don't understand. But I always take a deep breath and try again. I can often handle customers conversations within the script or if they what I consider my customers. those are people I even remind of them of things they forget sometimes on their list. These people I don't have trouble with and maybe that's because they automatically prompt me when I don't know what to do.

It's good to have the structure there, I guess. What sort of work do you do, might I ask, and what sort of an environment is it, socially I mean?

 

[Christian T]

Epath I would have responded in the same way, if I'm prepared for possible conversation then I'm not as bad as when it's random. Example we went to my daughter's school for a family picnic thing, I was prepared for some conversation as no doubt we'd see other parents we knew. We ended up sitting with 4 other parents whilst the kids ran off to play, it was still awkward but I was able to talk a little because I've known these people for 4 years now and had several possible conversations already played out in my head.

Then there was yesterday at the supermarket, I was helping my mother in law pack her shopping when the girl at the till pointed at my face and said "did that hurt?". I only just heard her because I was concentrating on packing correctly as well as the noise of a busy supermarket making my head spin. Anyway I fogged over and thought 'wtf is she on about' then she followed up with "I was thinking of getting one done" and that's when I realised she meant my piercings, so I quickly said no it didn't. My mother in law started engaging in conversation with her with me being awkward as ever, it went something like this.....

Mother in Law: No it didn't hurt her at all, she had them done ages ago, how long have you had them done now Kelly?
Me: Uhm...(trying desperately to work out the year) uhm...5 years..or 6
Cashier: Oh, I was thinking of getting a monroe
MIL: Oh you should it would look great
Cashier: Do you think? I wasn't sure because I've got this mole see(points)
MIL: Oh yes it would look great, you can barely see the mole, I wouldn't have noticed if you hadn't said
Cashier: Oh but what about the pain, I'm such a wimp
MIL: Oh go on it won't hurt
ME: (after working out that I had them done when my daughter was about 2) 5 years
MIL:What?
Me: I've had them done 5 years ago, Kyoko was still in a pushchair but I went with Marie so it would have been 5 years ago, well actually just under because we didn't go until a few months after her little boys party which was in June so it would have been about August so not quite 5 years yet.
Cashier: I like how you have 3 it looks nice
Me: (awkward smile) uhm thanks
Cashier: Did you get them all done at once?
Me: No
MIL: You had your labret done first didn't you and then got the other 2 at the same time with Marie
Me: Snakebites
Cashier: Huh?
Me: They are called snakebites
Cashier: Oh right, some people don't suit alot of piercings but yours look really good
Me: Thanks (and then thinking I have 3 facial piercings, hardly alot)
MIL: Oh I couldn't get them done, I hate needles, I always fancied a little tattoo on my ankle but I just can't handle needles
Cashier: Oh I'd love a tattoo, do you have any tattoos?
Me: Yes
Cashier: Did it hurt?
Me: No
Cashier: I bet it would hurt me, I can't handle pain
MIL: Me either, that's why I've never had one done and I'm too old now
Cashier: Oh don't be silly your not too old
MIL: Oh I am, I'm past all that now
Cashier: I think it's fine if people in their 40's get tats
MIL: Oh aren't you lovely but I'm not in my 40's, I'm in my 60's
Cashier: Really? oh my god you would never guess you look so young!
MIL: Well thank you, that has just made my year
Me: You have your hands injected for you arthritus, I imagine that's more painful then a tattoo ever would be (yep I was still on that)
MIL: Yes but it's probably a different pain
Cashier: Right that will be ?62.54 (or around that, it was 62 something)
MIL: Gosh that is alot I only came in for some bread and a few bits
Cashier: Yeah I know it's terrible isn't it
Me: Well you did get a bottle of wine that cost ?10, Kyoko's toy that you got her was ?6 and you have lots of organic vegetables too it all adds up very quickly
MIL: Mmmmm yeah, it's amazing how no matter where you go with her she manages to talk you into getting her a toy, I dont know how she does it, it's like she hypnotises me *laughs*
Cashier: awww but I bet she's worth it
MIL: Oh yes she's lovely
Cashier: Have a nice day
MIL: you too, bye
Me: I mumble a bye as I push the trolley away

That is pretty much every random conversation I have, except if I'm on my own there is no one to keep it going because I take so long processing what they have said that I either miss the opportunity to tell them things or I get so flustered I just answer yes/no/ or whatever the quickest response is.

Thanks, that was very entertaining to read, and I feel your pain, I really do.

I also mind myself reaching for those short, sharp answers and mumbling farewells.

Also, just on your "wtf" moment when she asked whether it hurt - I actually thought it was a dirty trick at first, and she had purposely poked you - I still remember this time when I was little and I was in a pizza shop waiting to pick up takeaway with my dead and taking the time to do some deep thinking, when this smiling middle-aged woman suddenly said, in a singsong voice "Have you got the money?" sort of to the tune of ring around the rosies, and I felt like saying to her "have you got a brai-ain?" When she explained to my Dad - I looked too confused - that she thought I was looking longingly at a gumball machine - that's where my eyes were as I was pondering something completely different.

It's so strange, isn't it?

 

[Arashi222]

It's good to have the structure there, I guess. What sort of work do you do, might I ask, and what sort of an environment is it, socially I mean?

It is generally a good structure. I do the same thing most days and I've worked there for a 11 yrs. I am self check out customer service manager at a grocery store. But I have my degree in social work and have been looking for a position that will accommodate that interest. I run Scripts a lot in my head. I often according to my co-workers that know me pretty well get this confused look on my face if someone says something outside of what I have scripted out for that particular situation.

 

[Soup]

A social worker with ASD? Sounds like the kind of person we need more of! Too many people in assistance-type careers don't really have a clue about the people they're supposed to be helping. Also with ASD you'd be better positioned to communicate with someone else with ASD & get them to open up about what is really going on in their life & in their head.