Is it best to seek a relationship with another aspie?

[IContainMultitudes]

If you're an aspie, do you think it's better to find another aspie to have a relationship with or not? Of course, I know that, just like any other group of people, some aspies are good relationship material and others aren't. If you had a choice of a relationship with another aspie (there's not much of a visible aspie community where I live, so a suitable female aspie partner might be hard for me to find) or with an understanding NT (how many of those are there out there?), which would you choose? I suppose both would have their pros and cons. Right now, I'm leaning toward trying to find another aspie. I've read about how NTs who are married to/in a relationship with an aspie sometimes feel lonely because their partner isn't sufficently passionate/openly affectionate, and I worry that that would be the case with me. I wouldn't want to put anyone through that.

Tony Atwood writes that male aspies are more likely to seek out NT partners and that female aspies are more likely to seek out other aspies. Do you find that to be true? It seems like female aspies are sort of out of luck if that's really the case.

 

[stephy2002]

I think it really would help to find another aspie to be in a relationship with. I've just started a relationship with a guy with asperger's, and he is wonderful. its almost like having a male version of myself lol. I always sort of felt like being in a bubble no one else can seem to get in, and when i'm with him, he just sits comfortably with me in my little bubble. And i can actually look him in the eyes without feeling uncomfortable. it actually comes natural to me, i don't have to really try. When we're looking each other in the eyes, it seems like the rest of the world just fades away, and its just us. whoops, im getting too mushy. my point is, yes, i think its a good idea.

 

[IContainMultitudes]

Yeah, that's why I'm leaning toward trying to find aspie to have a relationship with (preferably a female unless I really get desperate). Glad to see someone has actually managed to have a good relationship with another aspie (I also posted this question at Spectrumville, and the people over there seemed a bit mixed on whether or not such a relationship would be a good idea). I feel like there would be a better chance of avoiding some of the usual "drama" that's always put me off of trying to find a relationship (my parents had a fair share of "drama" in their relationship before they finally got divorced when I was 18 even though I only saw them get in an actual physical fight once when I was about 12 or so).

I wouldn't rule out a relationship with someone who was an NT, but I feel like trying to make such a relationship work would be kind of like trying to have a relationship with someone from a different culture. Despite what Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat may tell you, I've never been a big believer in the whole "opposites attract" thing.

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[stephy2002]

yeah, and it is a breath of fresh air to be able to not have to analyze everything i am going to say to him wondering if i'm going to hurt his feelings or piss him off. i mean, if i say something thats a bit inappropriate or didn't quite come out right, with my new aspie man, its not a big deal, cause he understands.

 

[Sean2222]

I just met this beautiful aspie female on another site. But our attempt at an online relationship failed miserably because she turned out to be just as phony and fake as the nt's have been to me. Imagine that. some of them are walking around with pretty much no visible disabilities and yet what I thouht we had in common and that she was so much like me was just her playing a part and playing her game with me just like many nt females have done. I swear I am so tired of meeting people not like me. I suggest finding an aspie who is truly impaired as you are. Not one with minimal symptoms that already has friends, dates, a life, etc and is on a damn phone/the net talking 24/7 like the girl I met. Boy was I in for a rude awakening and she could care less about me, just her own selfish attention wanting, validation gettin needs. Sounds familiar doesn't it? Because as I told her in my last email, as an aspie she fails miserably. She's no better than a nt in my mind.

 

[jaws]

I personally feel this would be better, but upon thinking about it...it may be less advantageous. With an NT you'll have someone to help out and interpret for you. Dr. Tony Attwood says a lot of Aspies find strong connections with very NT individuals that posses a great deal of intuition and are extremely empathetic which allows them to sort of "learn the language" of Aspies. Plus, I think it would be difficult to match up interests and intensities to keep from just co-existing near the person. On the other hand, if you are both diagnosed and accepting of your own quirkiness, then it would be easier to understand each other.

I guess it would probably be best to be less scientific about it and just find someone you enjoy being around who enjoys being around you, and then be willing to put in the work to cope with the difficulties as they arise.

 

[Spinning Compass]

I tend to agree with Jaws. It depends on where you are on the spectrum. It can definitely be a disadvantage if the two of you are not equal. In my experience the partner (or friend) that is lower-functioning will pull the higher-functioning person down and end up isolating both of them even more. And the higher functioning person will miss out on opportunities (work, education) as a result. Neurotypicals tend to prefer that people with social and intellectual difficulties stay "in their place" which means that if you want to make it in the Neurotypical world (since they control everything), you have to play it by their rules and act like one of them as much as possible.

For example, my Neurotypical friends and co-workers often thought it great fun to try to pair me up with someone else who was clearly lower on the social scale than they were. Someone who was clearly not considered to be desirable romantic partner material. The message was, this is who you belong with and this is where you belong. Not with us. You aren't one of us. They never set me up with anyone who was considered socially acceptable. Because, you see, that would be rising above my place and thinking I was actually equal.

 

[LgndKllr24]

I think it depends, because like all people not all Aspies are the same. I know that with me, I have a lot of difficulty dealing with being around anger, I go into shutdowns when I am around angry people. My wife mentions that I look almost like a computer short-circuiting when I know the is anger and tension where I am. So an Aspie that has anger meltdowns sometimes would probably give me a lot of problems. With me, I have the opposite issue, I really never show anger, and I don't even know if I feel deep anger ever. I get frustrated, but very rarely do I get angry.

My wife actually does show some signs of somebody who has Asperger's, but we really don't think she meets the criteria to have a full diagnosis. She doesn't have really obsessive and repetitive interests and she doesn't really stim more than an average person would. We actually think she probably has schizoid personality disorder, we've read that many people who have that personality disorder are misdiagnosed as Aspies because there is some overlap with the symptoms.

 

[gouldgrl]

"Opposite's attract", or so the saying goes.

If you are purposely trying to aim for a specific type of person, I'd recommend an understanding neurotypical as opposed to someone with asperger's.

But my honest advice, would be to aim for nothing specific. Just meet as many people as possible (I know, this is hard for most with asperger's!), and you'll 'know' when you meet the right person.

The only man I really and truly care for is an Aspie (like me), but he doesn't share my feelings. We've been long-distance correspondents for a couple of years, and sometimes it hurts that he won't share certain aspects of his life with me. I would probably be happier with an NT because I do enjoy physical affection.

 

[CeasarKungPow]

If you're an aspie, do you think it's better to find another aspie to have a relationship with or not? Of course, I know that, just like any other group of people, some aspies are good relationship material and others aren't. If you had a choice of a relationship with another aspie (there's not much of a visible aspie community where I live, so a suitable female aspie partner might be hard for me to find) or with an understanding NT (how many of those are there out there?), which would you choose? I suppose both would have their pros and cons. Right now, I'm leaning toward trying to find another aspie. I've read about how NTs who are married to/in a relationship with an aspie sometimes feel lonely because their partner isn't sufficently passionate/openly affectionate, and I worry that that would be the case with me. I wouldn't want to put anyone through that.

Tony Atwood writes that male aspies are more likely to seek out NT partners and that female aspies are more likely to seek out other aspies. Do you find that to be true? It seems like female aspies are sort of out of luck if that's really the case.

I decided a while ago to seek out an aspie girl. I think it will be a lot easier to relate in terms of thinking and view of the world.

I am tired to the bone of trying to explain myself to people and them simply not getting what I'm saying. I like time at home without having to fight to keep my true words in my head. NTs don't want directness they want to play and throw hints every which way, most if not all go straight over my head.

Recently I met a girl at work. We didn't talk much until later on the last night she worked(she recently left the company after working three shifts) At first I thought she was simply a bit rude, then I realised that I had never seen her stand still. She is always moving, even when she is standing. She makes noises with her mouth and sings and whistles. She appears in her own head. I asked her about the noises and constant movements. She said she was hyperactive.
She said a few things that I thought was mocking the way way I see the world, even mirroring some of my own words. I realised after having a little think though that there was no way of her knowing that I felt this way or had said these things(mostly in my head). After a short analyses I realised that she was likely an aspie.
I don't remember what she looks like as I am quite face blind, I know she has a tattoo on her back.
I know feel excited about seeing her again. Excited in a way I have not been in a loooooong time. I feel absolutely terrified at the same time.
In short i think It's a good idea to seek out someone who is similar to oneself. It leads to better communication and a happier relationship, where both can process information in the same way. Of course both will upset the other at some point, but that's relationships for you.

 

[Catlover614]

I've been pondering this question awhile now. On one hand, it would be freeing to be in a romantic relationship with another aspie because we would understand one another's awkwardness and respect that without fear. On the other hand, would we be off in our own little worlds and barely communicating? That sounds pretty boring. Right now I'm dating an NT and there is definite misunderstanding and it's like he's just putting up with me rather than really loving me for who I am.

 

[CeasarKungPow]

I've been pondering this question awhile now. On one hand, it would be freeing to be in a romantic relationship with another aspie because we would understand one another's awkwardness and respect that without fear. On the other hand, would we be off in our own little worlds and barely communicating? That sounds pretty boring. Right now I'm dating an NT and there is definite misunderstanding and it's like he's just putting up with me rather than really loving me for who I am.

I understand about the putting up part. I am separated from my wife of 10 years. We were together for 6 years before we split up. I know that she loves me. I also know that she put up with a lot. I didn't know about the Autism until this year.
Unfortunately NTs can't understand the difference in processing of information. They would have to work really hard and do research, read forums etc... They need to get into an aspie frame of mind, after all we're the ones lacking empathy. It should be easier for the NT mind.
I think it can work, but needs A LOT of work and sacrifice on both sides as any relationship does.
I do however feel that I am always living in my own mind. I think that having someone around that sees the world through the same type of foggy glasses would be good. After all we have different strengths and could help each other. When our day is done we could talk about how ridiculous it all is. I know that having someone around that has actually had a breakdown over spilt milk would be more inclined to understand and be much more helpful.
There might be less talking, but it would be in the same language that I understand

 

[Catlover614]

My NT boyfriend is not willing to read or do any research on the subject of Asperger's. This hurts me because am I not worthy enough for him to even want to try and understand me. He got mad at me for sending him an autistic link to his phone! If the roles were reversed and it was him who had Asperger's and I was the NT, I would make strong effort in learning his issues because that's what love does. Love goes the extra mile!

 

[CeasarKungPow]

I've now been texting the girl I met. I still have no idea to go go from here to meeting up with her. Getting out of my rut and gathering the necessary confidence is proving to be very hard. I've usually relied on the girl to make the first move. I'm struggling a bit here... I don't want to come across as desperate or simply too weird. I think she could like me in a romantic way if she saw me in person. How the he£$ am I going to work this out???? O my goodness. I do think she wants me to ask first. That's what I'll do then

 

[WereBear]

I think it depends on the person more than the traits. My NT husband and I have been together for 15 years, and we've just recently explored the possibility I am Aspie and getting an official diagnosis. And he said the sweetest thing: "This shouldn't change anything between us."

Absolutely not! In fact, if anything, it's a help, because it explains some of the weird (to him) things I do

I found my first real friends in the art crowd at school, and he's a musician and artist himself, while I am a writer. So we understand things about each other, like needing alone time, and serious interests, and long periods of concentration. That, I think, is one of the keys to our success.

 

[Judge]

Don't know if it could be considered the best thing to do, but having had all failed relationships with NTs it sounds like something seriously worth pursuing or at least considering.

Unfortunately I don't think there are any females on the spectrum willing to contribute to such a science experiment for my benefit.

 

[Jacoby]

Don't see it as an avenue worth pursuing given the gender ratio, the deficits in communication, and the whole 'people don't want to date themselves' thing. Like there are already so few women on the spectrum relative to men and I perceive most of the women not being interested in relationships with someone on the spectrum if they can attract a 'proper' partner or will be overwhelmed by desperate but I guess more forward legion of orbiters and I don't want to compete with that. I feel pretty undateable, I feel pretty much like I don't have any place at all in society, things are hopeless.

 

[Catlover614]

I'm an introverted aspie female who is currently in a relationship with a neurotypical male. IT IS HARD! We've been together for 6 years and I find myself constantly "giving in", but it's my fault for not having confidence in myself. I'd rather "give in" than not have any love at all. I didn't know I had Asperger's when I first got with him and just believed I was too ugly and dumb to be selective. I personally DO think it's best to seek a relationship with another aspie because there would already be an understanding of each other's difficulties in place so it would not be necessary to explain your uniqueness, IMO.

 

[Judge]

Let's just say that in my old age if I had another stab at a relationship I would prefer to to be with someone who is better capable to understand and accept me neurologically.

While I now have lots of hindsight in what I did wrong in my past relationships with NT women, there's no guarantee that I can avoid doing such in whole or in part. Yet I still believe self-awareness is probably our best tool in improving what we can relative to interacting to Neurotypicals.

Then again I'm not so sure a nice Aspie lady would put up with me anyways.