Is it me?

[Ikyzor]

I'm going to be vulnerable and open up about something that has conflicted me for most of my life.

Up until recently, I was sheltered most of my life after the age of 8. I was kept from having any friends, forbidden to leave the house unless absolutely necessary, and all the while told it was for my own good.

I've literally only had one friend in my life and that ended at the previously mentioned age when I was told by someone that I "spent too much time with that person."

Since then, I've basically lived a life in isolation, avoiding public settings unless essential for survival, doing everything I can to hide because what if it really is for my own good?

I understand that trauma definitely could be playing a factor here, however, I haven't felt compelled much at all since being on my own to try to socialize and put myself out there. I've been my own company for so long, it's a routine and I hate changes in routine, so. I may be sealed as far as that goes.

Its all just made me wonder if there's something wrong with me that I can't detect.

 

[Mary Terry]

I don't know if there's "something wrong" with you but I do think that your parents had something seriously wrong with themselves and how they parented you. If you feel comfortable with living in isolation, then that's okay. I, too, enjoy my own company. But if you feel you need or want to socialize more than you are doing, then you can seek out opportunities to do so. Your parents no longer control you.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I totally agree with @Mary Terry. People, in general, can be a bit confusing with their different communication styles, cultural norms, personal truths, etc. Now, you can look at it as something to fear and raise your anxieties, OR, you can get out and explore your world. There is so much to see and do out there, and for the most part, it doesn't have to be a "social event". My wife and I get out to the state and national parks, wildlife refuges, hike, take pictures, look for shells along the beach, rockhound, etc.

As far as you being concerned about how others may perceive you, most people may notice "something", whatever it is, but you two may never cross paths again, so who really cares. They don't care, and neither should you. Live your life to its fullest and don't let others dictate what you can and can't do. The only one holding you back at this point, is you.

 

[eg3210]

I was kept from having any friends, forbidden to leave the house unless absolutely necessary, and all the while told it was for my own good.
...
Its all just made me wonder if there's something wrong with me that I can't detect.

I'm sorry you suffered that abuse.

After being mistreated by those close to you. And then being taught to self reenforce those ideas, of course you aren't eager to go out, even now that you can.

But there is nothing wrong with you and never was! If you long for companionship (this seems like a great place to find one form of it) then there are people on here or elsewhere who can help you slowly figure out how to work your way up to it. But if you are honestly happy with how things are, then you don't need to change to fit into someone else's world.
The only reason to force change is if you realize your not happy, and you are hiding from fear or something.

 

[Kayla55]

Have you asked your parents 'the why' sometimes it can resolve issues in understanding neglect, why wasn't I allowed out.
You know until my one twin was forced to be more sociable we didn't get out too much but that's with small kids. He did throw tantrum at party once, Clinger and screamed and embarassed me but mom's absorb this.
The bright side is healing your PTSD isn't relating to bad experiences that set back your social development, it's just missing memories so if we can get you out more you should be less disadvantaged than an abuse victim.
I always felt better going for walks, taking things slow, watching other people walking their dogs, chatting bits here n there. Honestly til this day I feel black people are more genuine, coloured greet n talk to you even if you a perfect stranger.

A sad story: my son had a friend in class who was a thalomide baby ...... At a party he knocked the glass over with his tiny hands....his Mom screamed at him, I couldn't believe it but people don't always cope well. I told him it was ok, we just get another fantastic. She wouldn't reply to play invites and send him to gran every weekend. She would have him fetched on a lift scheme and wait down road to pick him up, I suppose she wasn't coping and defence mechanisms against social prejudice. People can be so naive and assume mother was on drugs when clearly I could see it was thalomide.
Maybe this is case with your parents, but you need to ask them to get closure.
I've seeing so much evil and sadness in the world that I think I lost faith long ago.