Is it odd that I think it's my own doing that I don't have many friends?

[Amethystgirl]

I don't exactly think I can put myself out there with making friends because I not keen on getting rejected and I know I should blame my illness with not getting friends but I think it's my own doing because I feel I'm not a likeable person to at least some people and in my early 40's I can't change how I feel. Do any of you feel this way?

 

[Neri]

For me, I think I can make them, but keeping them is another thing. I just don't seem to have the capabilities to keep up with social expectations.

 

[Misty Avich]

When I was in high school I was rejected a lot by my classmates, but I didn't really help myself either, because I kept backing away from girls from other classes or even other grades who showed interest in being my friend. It was because I was hellbent on hanging out with the girls in my own class, probably because they all hung out together so I just thought "why shouldn't I?" But I wish I had thought outside the box and just made friends with people who wanted to be my friend, then I wouldn't have been so isolated and lonely. Well I'm an idiot.

And no, it wasn't due to not reading social cues, because I knew full well that the others in my class didn't want me around and the girls from other classes were interested in me. I picked up on that very easily, via body language and all that. I just don't get why I didn't branch out more when I had the chance. By the time I did suddenly realise that my classmates were never going to like me no matter how much I tried hanging out with them, I was 15 and by then everyone had formed their own friendship circles and it wasn't easy to just become accepted in a group at that age.
But by then I did find a group of outcasts like myself, but they seemed insecure and unable to be proper friends so all we did was argue and fall out all the time. I didn't cause any of the problems but I was often the scapegoat because as far as I know I was the only one out of them who had a diagnosis that everyone knew about.
So the teachers immediately thought "oh that's probably Misty stirring things up because she has Asperger's syndrome so can't understand anything social." Stupid misleading diagnosis.

 

[DeFunkCat]

It’s is hard to make friends. I’m terrified of rejection. I also don’t want to be alone. So I carefully spend my precious spoons as I’m able to make new friends. Self respect is an important part of it. Confidence in myself I’m still working at. It’s a journey for newly discovered autistic me. Understanding myself better has helped me hugely. My psychologist is a massive help. Im now making friends. A few friends. Worthwhile friends. I only need a few.

 

[Tiffany Kate]

I came across this quote yesterday:

“If you go out looking for friends, you're going to find they are very scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere.” (Zig Ziglar)

It was in a book about influencing other people, rather than making friends, but it's one of those things that rings true for me, and matches up with how I've felt in social situations.

For me, "putting myself out there to make/get friends" is weird, cringeworthy, and scary. Like going to one of those dating events where the only point of it is to hook up with somebody. And their reaction to you is either "yes, I'm instantly attracted to you," or "no, go away, next please". It doesn't allow for the common situation where friendship develops over time, and it's going to be pretty depressing for the majority of the population who don't instantly "click" with someone because, statistically speaking, you're going to get more "no's" than "yes's".

I have never found friends "everywhere", but I've always had more success (such as I have had, and my Christmas card list is not a long one) with putting myself out there to do something other than make friends. For me, friendships are rare, but I have friendly acquaintances.

Joining a group (club, organisation, whatever) where the point is to do an activity puts you in the way of people you already have a common interest with, and whom you can get to know slowly. And there isn't the sense of instant rejection if you don't make a friend/click with someone first time out because, hey, you're there to collect stamps/play chess/go skydiving or whatever, not to make friends, right? Actively helping with running the group (even just being the person who's willing to help with the clearing up afterwards, or the setting up, or whatever) is good too - it gives you "social points" and puts you further into contact with people.

And in any group that does something, people willing to help are always greatly valued. In my experience, in voluntary organisations like hobby clubs, 90% of the legwork of keeping things going is done by 10% of the people. So those people are precious!

 

[Neonatal RRT]

The making and keeping of friends and lovers comes down to a few things:
1. Reciprocity being the most important. Whether it be those tiny, everyday, communications and gestures of good will, or those going-out-of-your-way sorts of things, like say, organizing a surprise birthday party.
2. Being an advocate for someone special. Your "ride or die" sort of person. Commitment.
3. Forgiveness and the ability to call someone out on their BS, or have someone call you out on your BS and still be friends and love each other.

Sounds easy enough, but often times, with our condition, there can be a general lack of reciprocity and a sensitivity to criticism and rejection that gets in the way. Not to mention there can be sensory issues getting in the way of enjoying social events and a low level of oxytocin and vasopressin that can inhibit the social bonding experience. A general lack of perspective taking, as many of us struggle with really understanding others feelings and "knowing" people. Then there's the general lack of ability to pick up all the more subtle nuances of communication, that second layer that leads to a complete understanding. I struggle with understanding "intent" many times. In general, these are the sorts of things that I struggle most with. I don't have any true friends, except my wife. All my eggs are in that basket. My children, there's a "glass wall". We get along fine when we are together, but for the most part, "out-of-site, out-of-mind", which is how I am with nearly everyone. I don't "miss" people.

There's a lot going on here, but to simply put it that "It's my fault for not having friends." is an oversimplification, a partial truth, and not an accurate assessment.

 

[Roisin]

I can go through the typical motions and make friends, but keeping those friendships is beyond my abilities.

I went through a decade of no friends, it was my decision, I couldn't take the sadness of more lost connections.

I'd say now I have one real friend and we share an ND understanding, I accomodate her needs and she mine.
It doesn't look like a deep friendship from the outside, but I experience it as one.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Joining a group (club, organisation, whatever) where the point is to do an activity puts you in the way of people you already have a common interest with, and whom you can get to know slowly. And there isn't the sense of instant rejection if you don't make a friend/click with someone first time out because, hey, you're there to collect stamps/play chess/go skydiving or whatever, not to make friends, right? Actively helping with running the group (even just being the person who's willing to help with the clearing up afterwards, or the setting up, or whatever) is good too - it gives you "social points" and puts you further into contact with people.

And in any group that does something, people willing to help are always greatly valued. In my experience, in voluntary organisations like hobby clubs, 90% of the legwork of keeping things going is done by 10% of the people. So those people are precious!

Don't work. Tried that, it made things worse. Yes, you will make fake friends that will abandon your ass when things get tough. Also, they will never hang with you outside planned events or go traveling unless with their own cliques on their own retreats vacations without you. Then they will eventually abandon you at your worst.

 

[AprilR]

Honestly no it is not your own fault. Being able to make friends is an ability.