Is it OK to ask?

[Nancydrew]

I know the answer won’t be the same for everyone, but just out of curiosity I wanted to check general opinions....

I have someone very special to me who I suspect is on the spectrum, Aspergers I think. He has never told me that he is and I have never asked although I have felt at times it had come close to being discussed. My question is whether or not it’s OK to ask someone if they are on the spectrum or is this considered intrusive? It makes no difference to me and doesn’t change my feelings at all if he is. If anything I think it would help the friendship because this other persons behavior would make more sense and there would be context to see things in.

How would some of you AS people feel about a friend bringing this up? Would you be upset because you’d rather bring it up in your own time or relieved to not have to have the conversation and wonder how the NT person might react or if they would understand?

 

[Mia]

If it were me, I would find it too invasive if someone asked me if I was autistic. It would seem as if they were pointing out something and judging me. As if somehow having some sort of disorder like ADD or ADHD became a judgement of something that I have no control over.

It would be even worse if I wasn't aware I was autistic, and someone attempted to diagnose me, the relationship would probably be over.

 

[Thinx]

Could you maybe talk in warm general terms about how you see this topic, so the person can hear how you are about it? But if they do not recognise themselves as being on the autistic spectrum your opinion about it may not feel relevant or useful to them I guess. Is it more important just that you accept them as they are ?

 

[Progster]

I really can't say whether your friend would mind your asking if he is on the spectrum or not because I don't know you friend, but for me, if someone were to ask me that I would be truly amazed, because where I live so few people know what this is or know how to recognise it in a person such as me.

You could talk about in a general sort of way, and observe what sort of terminology he uses to talk about it - if he seems knowledgeable, has a very definite opinion on it and used phrases such as 'stimming' or 'meltdown' or 'sensory overload', then he may well be on the spectrum and diagnosed, or self-diagnosed.

 

[Bolletje]

It would depend on how well I know the person, whether we had been talking about autism, and when they ask. Still, I would refrain from asking. If your friend doesn't know, let him find out on his own. If he does know, let him decide if and when to reveal it to you.
I treat it the same as coming out of the closet: the person it concerns is the only one to decide if, when, and how the information is shared. Asking about it may be well-intentioned, but it's prying nonetheless.

I strongly suspect one of my friends is on the spectrum, but I would never ask him directly, because I don't feel like I have the right to poke my nose into his business. I did mention my autism a few times in conversations with him, to give him the opportunity to share if he felt like it, but he didn't. So I dropped it. It just isn't my place.

 

[Bella Pines]

Personally I'm fine, I bring it up when it's appropriate, but it really is different for everyone.

If anything I think it would help the friendship because this other persons behavior would make more sense and there would be context to see things in.

The obvious question is, is this for him or for you? The other persons behavior is his own, it doesn't need to make sense, be categorized or explained, it just is. So instead of asking if he would be comfortable talking about it, ask yourself why you need to talk about it.

 

[Chance]

I treat it the same as coming out of the closet: the person it concerns is the only one to decide if, when, and how the information is shared.

I'm straight but I think it would be easier to be gay and have to "come out of the closet" than to have to deal with a full blown ASD disclosure... Its already uncomfortable. Most of us do all we can to hide it, which makes us have to live sort of faking who we are. To me it makes me feel wrong and sort of cheated (just being honest).

I know the answer won’t be the same for everyone, but just out of curiosity I wanted to check general opinions....

I have someone very special to me who I suspect is on the spectrum, Aspergers I think. He has never told me that he is and I have never asked although I have felt at times it had come close to being discussed. My question is whether or not it’s OK to ask someone if they are on the spectrum or is this considered intrusive? It makes no difference to me and doesn’t change my feelings at all if he is. If anything I think it would help the friendship because this other persons behavior would make more sense and there would be context to see things in.

How would some of you AS people feel about a friend bringing this up? Would you be upset because you’d rather bring it up in your own time or relieved to not have to have the conversation and wonder how the NT person might react or if they would understand?

IF the circumstances were right, and it wasn't something that was just going to crush me a little further, or make me want to withdraw from humanity a little further... I would be okay with it... IF it was someone truly trying to understand me, and wanting to be with me... Haven't really ever had the feeling that was what people wanted though...

The #1 most asked question in my life is... "Why can't you just be normal?" So, that alone tells me I'm am very different, or less than, what others expect me to be. Plus my own wife REFUSES and has this deep disgust for my unexpected diagnosis... Some people DO know I have it, it was a mess at work with some health insurance changes and someone let it out, then another guy (who I was forced to fire) used my ASD to basically throw me under the proverbial bus and try and make me look stupid to maybe take the heat off of him. Luckily it didn't work, but it did hurt, and I can tell some people seem to act different around me over how things went down...

If I had some physical situation... I don't guess it would matter much, but mental stuff that already carries a bad stigma... ug... I would rather just not go there UNLESS they have some miracle to take me out of this living hell... : )

 

[Mary Anne]

Don’t ask. You can share how YOU have it having it in a fleeting sort of off hand way, and see what happens. Otherwise, this friend might not even be aware of aspergers, and being targeted in this way opens up all sorts of inner turmoil to someone not aware of themselves.

 

[tducey]

I wouldn't do it. If they are comfortable in telling you they have Asperger's then they will but I don't think I'd ask them if they have it.

 

[Judge]

Don't do it.

Whether you choose to come out or suggest someone might be on the spectrum, I'd think both carry about the same degree of precariousness.

 

[OlLiE]

you either like the person for who they are or not,
appreciate the strengths, accept the weaknesses

why would sticking a lable on this person affect your appreciation of your of your friend?

are you accepting him/her for who they are if you need a label to accept/understand them?

 

[Tom]

For me, I consider it a very confidential matter. I would not want it publicly known. I tell only certain people.

If the closest type of friend approached me about it I would likely be ok with it, as I could trust them to keep it private.

Anyone else would be annoying, or intrusive or upsetting.

 

[pax]

 

[Crossbreed]

1. He may not know that he is, so he may not own it. If he is not up to speed on autism (being a spectrum), he may think that you are calling him Rain Man, when you mean Bill Gates.
   
   If he doesn't know about it, but you suspect it, don't press the issue. Find a neutral term (like geek) if he'll accept that. And research autism on your own. That way, if he finds out or comes out, you will already have some ideas how to roll with that.
   _
2. If I knew that I was autistic when I was courting my wife, I would have disclosed as we got closer. I was very transparent with her. I wanted her to know everything about me so that, if she were going to bail on me, she would do it early (before I became too attached to her).
   
   I did not know that I was on the spectrum. But she told me that she appreciated my straightforward demeanor before either of us found out about it.

 

[AO1501]

I'm going to go against the grain a bit here, because as the Aspie in the room in this example, because I know that's what I am, I would be relieved to find my potential significant other recognises who I am. The reason is simple: I no longer have to work hard at trying to be normal for that person to accept, I can then just be me.

That isn't comment on what others have said, just my own point of view.

And if I were to put myself back to before I knew I am on the spectrum, if I was asked about this it would not upset me. I already knew then I wasn't like everyone else, I just didn't know what it was called. So someone raising the subject would give me reason to examine the question and the possibility to see if it fit me.

I don't think raising this is anything to do with a lack of acceptance, it's about understanding. In my experience, relationships benefit from understanding.

 

[Crossbreed]

And if I were to put myself back to before I knew I am on the spectrum, if I was asked about this it would not upset me. I already knew then I wasn't like everyone else, I just didn't know what it was called.

When I thought that autism meant ASD2 or ASD3, like my children, I would have questioned the connection. Knowing about A[ASD1]r's, I can say "Guilty as charged."