Is it weird that due to my bad self esteem because of my autism, I don't like praise, compliments or sympathy?

[Amethystgirl]

I would say I have really bad self esteem and I don't like it when people compliments my looks and says my hair looks nice for example or saying I'm doing a good job. I also don't like when I'm upset about something and someone gives me sympathy and one person online said this to me: " I can understand that you don't like yourself because of your condition. Because you see what neurotypical people can do, while you can't do it. But it's not your fault that you are like that. And even though you probably are unable to do big changes to your mind, some improvements are possible. You can improve your life quality, and you can find more things you can enjoy in life (even though that can be quite hard for autistics, to find something they find interesting)." I don't have any idea what this person means and I really feel It is my fault. So I actually don't like sympathy, only simple advise. Is that weird?

 

[Neonatal RRT]

It may have less to do with a low self-esteem, as it may be more part of the autism condition and low reciprocity. I have a rather high self-esteem, and usually don't know how to accept compliments. I quickly found this article on the topic: https://epublications.marquette.edu... giving,on appearance, and accept compliments.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

When I had self esteem issues I felt oddly about praise. Sometimes while I felt that I deserved it if I worked very hard, I disliked having people call attention to me.

I would not read what that person told you as pure sympathy but as a description of the positive you can accomplish in your life. I knew that I did not have the social skills of NTs yet I had normal desires of my age for connection and intimacy. I can see now, with regret, the opportunities I missed. But it was feeling very lonely, watching the Muppet Show Friday nights, that convinced me that I had to change. I started working on myself, to actually like who I was, learning to engage and be social that allowed me to grow. Sure, I got involved with users, had offers of dates declined and struggled balancing my basic research (more a lifestyle than a mere job) with my personal life. Still I changed and broke out of the social constraints of my Autism (I did not know I was autistic).

The lesson is that change is possible with goals and determination. I am sure NDs reaching adulthood in the 70s, like me, not given a pass for their autism, had to cope on their own to create a life in the larger community that did not recognize our autism.

 

[Swansong]

Somebody already posted a scientific article about this but personally I can say I'm the same and I don't think it's necessarily about low self-esteem, I just find them pointless, compliments do absolutely nothing for me and just put me in the position of trying to navigate a social circumstance that my brain simply does not properly process.

So I'm guessing it's just one of the many social situations that your brain simply does not naturally know how to process or react to when suffering from these issues.

 

[Judge]

A number of us here seem awkward over compliments or praise.

As for the hows and whys, I'm not sure. Maybe it's an inane sense of wanting not to stand out.

Much like the drive to mask our traits and behaviors. Not to succeed, but merely to blend in sufficiently to avoid controversy.

 

[Rodafina]

I agree with the posters above me. Another thing to consider here is the difference between internal and external validation. Internal validation is closely tied to self-esteem and our sense of self worth. External validation comes from other people and involves compliments and recognition from others. Often, external validation has a very minimal effect on raising one’s self-esteem.

If the external praise and recognition do not align with the way that we see ourselves, it can feel false and empty and shallow. Another problem is that when people are complementing things that we do while masking, it can add to uneasy feelings about the compliment.

Personally, I do not get much benefit from receiving compliments. It can shine too much attention on me, and it makes me feel uneasy.

Compliments on superficial qualities like looks, clothing choices or hairstyle are completely empty to me. I think a lot of people just say this to because it’s “nice,” but, it doesn’t have much meaning for me. On the other hand, the occasional recognition of something that I have work hard for can be satisfying.

 

[Dagan]

I struggle with what I fear is / hope isn't a feeling of arrogance when people are complimentary. Also, I don't want this to sound arrogant, either, but if I'm publicly or privately doing something a lot, it's only because I know that I'm good enough at it, so a compliment on it (if I realize it) feels kind of suspicious, really. Most will usually just go unnoticed, but should I recognize someone is complimenting me, I don't exactly trust it, especially from someone just happenstance there for whatever reason, someone I don't know at all. I guess, I have a history of people who were never genuine in the end, and I just get apprehensive. I don't mean to be this way. Oops.

 

[Outdated]

I've always felt uncomfortable with personal praise and I don't have a self esteem problem. If anything I'm quite proud of myself and very happy with myself, I like who I am, but praise makes me uncomfortable.

I changed settings in my profile so that my birth date doesn't get displayed in here because people wishing me happy birthday weirds me out a bit too.