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Is there a thing as being too trusting?

Billy S

Billy S

Member
So, I recently was thinking about some past experiences with some former friends, and I came to realize something.

I was loyal, trusting and caring to my friends, but I feel it was too a much higher degree. Like, if a friend of mine were to just stop talking with me, I would probably feel much worse than just betrayed.

Is it common for people with Aspergers (Or just in general), to be too trusting? Because I feel like I'd do anything for my closest friends, and it sometimes frustrates me when I don't get that same sort of trust back, despite being best-friends...

Am I just over-expecting?
 
I think so, yes. There are times when I choose to give people the benefit of the doubt (where I am feeling suspicious even though I can think of a perfectly innocent explanation), but other times it just hasn't occurred to me that someone might screw me over, so I don't even bother checking someone out first. Add to this, I don't enjoy being mistrustful and paranoid, and I feel very guilty about failing to give someone a chance if it turns out they deserved one.
 
As most in positions of authority, influence or power have learned throughout history, I trust no one until they earn my trust through words and actions.

I was taken advantage of and/or betrayed one too many times to ever trust blindly again so, to answer your question - yes trusting too much is definitely possible. Blind trust too often leads to betrayal, being taken advantage of, scammed, ripped of, etc... It is a hard lesson to learn, one I wish no one had to learn but, one I've learned well.
 
No you are not too trusting, you've just not run into people who are like you and feel the same way. I'm so loyal to friends and my closest family because I care about for them. I would do anything in my power for them, cause that's how friendship should be. I take care of them, they take care of me. Being loyal to somebody is a good thing, but many people don't think that way.

People with asperger's do tend towards trusting people, they are honest and think everyone else is like them. But lots of people are not like that, and some people want to 'use' others for all kinds of reasons. It takes time to figure these things out, in life and you learn as you go along. It's not always easy finding people who understand the things that you know are true. It's difficult and not everyone is your friend, but you can't know that right away. You learn it from experience.
 
I do think it's possible to be too trusting, but that doesn't sound like your situation. If anything it sounds like you're more caring than your friends.

I'm not trusting AT ALL after I've had many people screw me over. The last time I had a close friend she stole from me and all kinds of other stuff. Coincidentally, she was diagnosed with AS, so, eh.
 
I'm fairly guarded. I've been surprised over and over to find that things I did or could do that had value, sometimes a lot of value, I just gave away because I had no idea they were valuable. Now I know better. My work, my time--the first is my special interest to a considerable degree, the second is my life itself. I don't let people just tell me they're doing me a favor. It's often times they're doing themselves a favor, and being either knowingly or stupidly dishonest about it.

Trust is earned, not demanded.
 
Yes I was extremely trusting and sadly got taking advantage of by a lot of people from family members and from men in the past,it has been my downfall many of times.
 
Billy S said:
So, I recently was thinking about some past experiences with some former friends, and I came to realize something.

I was loyal, trusting and caring to my friends, but I feel it was too a much higher degree. Like, if a friend of mine were to just stop talking with me, I would probably feel much worse than just betrayed.

Is it common for people with Aspergers (Or just in general), to be too trusting? Because I feel like I'd do anything for my closest friends, and it sometimes frustrates me when I don't get that same sort of trust back, despite being best-friends...

Am I just over-expecting?
Click to expand...

Yes 100%. I've learned over the years to be suspicious of people until they prove me wrong. There's a lot of selfish people out there who only really think of themselves. On the flip side there are many lovely people with big hearts. Learning to be quietly suspicious of people in the beginning will improve your chances of finding a friend who is nice and will respect you. Also, sometimes close friends may not talk for a period of time, not because they have fallen out but because the world is busy and they might have a lot going on in their lives. I've went years without speaking to my best friend but when I saw them again it was as if it hadn't been years since we spoke, but a day or 2.
 
Jambo_nick said:
Learning to be quietly suspicious of people in the beginning will improve your chances of finding a friend who is nice and will respect you.
Click to expand...

Do you have any advice for being careful without tipping your hat? Some people can become very upset if they think you don't trust them, although upon consideration demanding trust from someone who doesn't know you very well is probably a red flag anyway.
 
I took a minute to look at the definition of the word "trust" before answering. The word that keeps repeating in almost every entry is "confidence". That makes sense, and it inspired some thoughts.

Confidence is necessary to human beings. We base everything we do on confidence, in some form. We make choices between options because we're more confident in one than another. We give our confidence to others, and that's always a risk, because people are changeable.

Entering a new friendship is like putting your foot on unstable ground, guessing that it will support you but having no way to be absolutely certain. But if you never take a step -- never extend your confidence to anyone -- you go nowhere, and humans like to move. So in that sense, yes, we're all pretty trusting. Too trusting is a matter of experience, though: If you have taken steps toward people (giving them your confidence) and have ended up hurt, then you will feel that you may have trusted too much. If your find that your confidence is well-founded, then you will believe you trusted just right.

So no, I don't think you're necessarily expecting too much, not given the small amount of information you've shared here. What you may be doing is failing to see patterns in yourself and the people you choose to trust, to learn which patches of ground may not be able to support you, for whatever reason. That's not uncommon in autistics. We can really suck at that kind of assessment, but we can learn methods to improve.

You didn't ask for advice, but I would suggest you make some notes about each of your friendships, including:

Trajectory - How fast did the friendships develop? Where did you notice things starting to go wrong?

Personalities - What traits attracted you to these people?

Investment - What and how much did they put into the friendship?

Personal - What and how much did you put in? Exactly which expectations weren't met?

Then look for patterns in what you've documented, both in your friends' behavior and your own. What you find may be very informative for future choices. You may see a common trajectory you can analyze for your own part in it as well as theirs. You may see that the traits which tend to attract you may be uniformly consistent, and based on your history, may not be the right ones to look for. You may see a pattern of distinct imbalances of investment. And so on.

This may not be the right exercise for you, but it at least may give you an idea of another way to really study your history.

It takes two people for a friendship to succeed or fail, so becoming a more educated consumer of relationships can help you ensure that you're really doing the right things, and putting your confidence in the right people. Sometimes we Aspies and Auties may just need to get a little academic to work this stuff out. ;)
 
Billy S said:
So, I recently was thinking about some past experiences with some former friends, and I came to realize something.

I was loyal, trusting and caring to my friends, but I feel it was too a much higher degree. Like, if a friend of mine were to just stop talking with me, I would probably feel much worse than just betrayed.

Is it common for people with Aspergers (Or just in general), to be too trusting? Because I feel like I'd do anything for my closest friends, and it sometimes frustrates me when I don't get that same sort of trust back, despite being best-friends...

Am I just over-expecting?
Click to expand...
For trust in general:
Yes, there is such a thing as too much trust. I've learned the hard way not to trust anyone for any reason, unless they prove they're worth that trust. As a rule, it's unwise to trust anyone blindly, regardless of how long you've known them, or whether or not you think they can be trusted.
Statistically, 9 out of every 10 people will screw you over somehow, and most often it's to benefit themselves. People are selfish, arrogant, and self-absorbed, looking at society as a whole from any perspective, it's hard not to see that fact, so why deny it and give trust to people readily?

For trust in friendship:
Yes, still, you can trust too much.
Friendships are a subjective matter, one side may not see the friendship the same way that the other side does, this can lead to serious disappointment. As a general rule in that regard, it's wise not to expect anything of anyone else, regardless of how much effort you put toward them.
 
I believe that my overtrust comes as a result of not knowing how to read into superficial details fast enough. That is, the details that most of society uses on a daily basis to determine who they want to associate with and how they will communicate with them. I think most people will look at your face or outfit and deem whether you're a safe person to talk to, but I just don't know. The hardest part of socializing for me is reading in between the lines and getting the "hidden messages." I believe I am far behind the rest of society in doing this. As a result, when I am put in situations where I must socialize in public, I tend to put way too much trust into people I come into contact with and believe everything they say on the surface.
 
I expect people to be true in what they say.
This is how I happened to spend a month away
from home recently, instead of the 8 days I expected.

I understand, now, that I should not trust my
sister. She even said that it isn't necessary for a
person to trust....anyone.

This is a very messed up point of view.
The first task of a human infant is to learn to trust.
http://www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html
 
tree said:
I expect people to be true in what they say.
This is how I happened to spend a month away
from home recently, instead of the 8 days I expected.

I understand, now, that I should not trust my
sister. She even said that it isn't necessary for a
person to trust....anyone.

This is a very messed up point of view.
The first task of a human infant is to learn to trust.
http://www.simplypsychology.org/Erik-Erikson.html
Click to expand...
When you live in a world that is bent on using lies to get ahead of other people, and use them and eventually hurt them by doing so, you can only have a messed up point of view and stick to reality at the same time. Otherwise you just set yourself up as a target, trying to believe people are better than they really are.
The simple truth is, people suck, people lie, and the majority would sell their own family down the river to get ahead of everyone else. No need to take my word on that, just look around, especially in huge business, they didn't get where they are by being good, honest people.
 
Nine out of the ten phone calls I get over so many days are criminal scammers.

In this day and age...trust no one. It's entirely too easy to get burned. Sad, but that's just how it is. A very predatory environment...Aspie or not.
 
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