Is this a spectrum?....

[Jox]

Here are the flags that I need to understand in my relationship. I suspect that my partner has some aspects of the spectrum, l would like some imput, I trying to simplify the incidents that made me question:
1. We went to shop, I didn't know the directions, he asked in his language, we're in India and I'm not Indian, nor speak the local language. We are on two motorcycles, he started driving without looking if I'm following at any point. It was pretty difficult but we made it to a destination. After completing the purchase i needed something from another store near by, i new directions. We took off and again he started driving as he were alone, to the point that he got lost... On our way back he again lost me...
What draw my attention was that he was driving as he were alone, he had detached face expression, and was immersed in the environment, this case in the med shop, looking at products and paying no attention to my presence nir behaviour.
2. He is 30, he says that he had/has no friends, doesn't know how to make them and it's all a mystery to him, but he's in pain that he's alone...
3. He likes paintings, and likes to paint, even though it's not his profession.
4. Every time he comes to visit he brings something.
5. When i didn't have money for a couple of weeks due to bank card problem, he opened a fridge and saw empty and put money in my hand.
6.He doesn't understand "by himself" the emotion that other may have. Ex: we were working on something, and i lost money. He didn't show any compassion. Yet if asked for help, he will do even if it's against he's interest. He tries really hard to please others, but since he can't see the emotion it's a burden on him.
7. Last 6 weeks he was not responding to my msgs. Yes I got angry and said i don't want to have intimacy. That alarmed him, resulted in no msging. He expects me to know his emotions, without telling me.
8. Yesterday at 23:00 hours he came unannounced with a friend to sleep over!? After not responding to msgs. I assume that a friend wanted to see me. Me myself have CFS autoimmune disorder, and got sick. Sice he last time saw me, i lost weight and i don't look good. He was allarmed with my appearance. On that note, very few people ever notice I'm not well, or pretend not to notice, with him is the opposite, he gets extremely preoccupied for me, or the other when he 'sees' that something is wrong. Yet for emotions, he might see them, but doesn't know how to interpret them and what to do.

I think that overall he feels alone, wants to please people "rationally", overwhelmed in this process, goes on autopilot and forgets about the other person. He doesn't seem aware that he withdrew from contact for long time and showed up as nothing happened. He gave his entire inheritance to his brother that he'll never get back. He loves his brother and i think that's why...

He doesn't ask for help and tries to resolve and please others, nor he know what he's feeling. But i think he has a fear of being abandoned.

I'm sorry that I couldn't present it better, not sure if I illustrated it right.

My friends are alarmed with the situation and tell me to leave immediately. I didn't put all the details, some are too much. I don't think he's a bad person, and calculating, quite opposite. He's trying to please others but it often goes wrong.

What I read about Asperger's it's not exactly him, but some aspects are. Any thought. If I know what is going on will be able to make a descision, but I don't, yet it doesn't look normal.

Thank you
Jox

 

[Hypnalis]

You can analyze "backwards" (exclusionary factors) when looking for trouble (this will be good news for you). Start here:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_triad
If necessary you can look for those characteristics in a person, but there are negative indicators for "dangerous psycho" in your post, so don't panic . You must check though
Ask your friends why they think he might be dangerous. They may have seen something you haven't, or that you're denying. Tell them you're trying to understand your situation, and you'd like them to share their insights. Be open - accept the information they provide without trying to argue against it. But try to get tangible factors. A "vibe" that's a bit off shouldn't be ignored, but it's no use as evidence.
Reminder - if you push back rather than listen, you'll get less information, or they may give up. If you ask for input, you must listen uncritically.

And ask yourself if he is demonstrating any form of controlling behavior (keeping track of you 24/7, isolating you from your social network, "negging" to reduce your confidence, etc). This particular kind of unpleasantness can be pulled off by people who present as being socially/psychologically weak.

Analyzing "forwards" - i.e. confidently identifying someone as an Aspie, may not be possible for you.
A shortcut (not conclusive, but a useful indicator: Aspie body language is usually a bit off, because we don't copy other people's moves when we're young.

Remember that all body language matches human bodies (.e there's a limit to how far someone can differ from physical norms without falling over And of course you're not looking for anything cultural like the Indian sideways head-shake.

You're looking for things comparable to what happens to teenagers while their body is growing very fast, and their "software" controlling how they move hasn't caught up with the new configuration yet. Aspies very often have some aspects of this as adults.
Standard-issue dangerous psychos (i.e. the traits in the link above) generally don't.

 

[Jox]

I think I should clarify why my friends think he's dangerous:
1. The " friend" is a person who had problems with the police. My partner was helping him. Now the problem has been solved. I didn't know this last night when they were at my door to sleep over.
2. I have invested money in finishing his guest house. After that he did the "withdrawal" non msging while he was away.
3. Since he lost a hotel job due to covid, making lots of money even for Western standards he can't adapt, and is considering selling weed( or is doing it. In this state of India they tightened the prosecution).
So i might be incriminated if things go wrong. I didn't know that the friend was cleared... so i was anxious.
It's really hard to type or view the forum on my phone from the ads, can i do something about it?

 

[Hypnalis]

@Jox
No offense, but if you want some input on a personality-related question (like "is my BF an Aspie") you'll never get a useful response if you leave important things out.

Back on topic. Your guy is very probably an AH. He might also be an Aspie (anyone can be an AH), but it's much more likely he's just cynically mining your bank account. If so, you'll find out as soon as you don't have anything he wants, because he'll ghost you.

1. Listen to your friends
2. Re-read the page on the dark triad. If you haven't read it yet, do it now
3. Get used to the idea that your construction money may be gone.

 

[tree]

It's really hard to type or view the forum on my phone from the ads, can i do something about it?

There are suggestions in this thread:
https://www.autismforums.com/threads/too-many-pop-up-ads.41087/#post-892710

 

[Tom]

He doesn't sound like a bad guy really, but he is steering into a dangerous area because of it's illegality. So for safety's sake if it was me, I would steer clear of him. I had to do that at one point with certain friends involved with drugs.

From what you describe he may be on the spectrum but of course no one here can say for sure one way or another. But even if you could find out it still doesn't change what you have in front of you right now.

 

[Jox]

He doesn't sound like a bad guy really, but he is steering into a dangerous area because of it's illegality. So for safety's sake if it was me, I would steer clear of him. I had to do that at one point with certain friends involved with drugs.

From what you describe he may be on the spectrum but of course no one here can say for sure one way or another. But even if you could find out it still doesn't change what you have in front of you right now.

Thank you for the reply,
I read the dark triad, and it's not the case, there is a subcategory of sadism that might apply.
Tom ur right he's a good guy but illegal activity is the red tape.
The more i read about Asperger's the more i see him. Nothing makes sense the way he relates to people. Not sure if i understand how to behave with him now. I thought it would be easier to know what's underlying situation but now for me it feels overwhelming.

 

[Hypnalis]

NTs come here fairly often wanting to know if someone close to them is an Aspie.

Unfortunately even knowing that with 100% confidence doesn't help them much. It's extremely difficult for an NT to learn to truly understand and communicate well with someone on the spectrum. Not impossible, so that's some good news, but all the evidence I can remember from here suggests it takes years.

An NT-ND couple can definitely learn to get along well enough to form a life partnership though, and this takes less time. The communication issues can be handled if there's genuine trust, based on shared experience, between a couple.

A last comment on whether your guy is a nice Aspie or exploiting you:

It's hard to tell the difference between an Aspie (who generally have an empathy deficit, and aren't good at reading other people's non-verbal signals, and some of the people in the dark triad (who do not care in the least about other humans because they have zero empathy).

Exploiters can be identified if you look for it. Generous early, with small amounts, but they'll move into a "positive cash & benefits flow" position quite soon, and stay there, ramping up the process as long as they can. So you should just keep an eye on the balances of money, favors, and time between the two of you. If he becomes a taker, ghost him.

(BTW - I hate psychos because they give us a bad rap. If they didn't exist, continuously "poisoning the well", I think NTs would be a lot less inclined to instantly reject interacting with us).

(and a PS: your "friendless" guy turning up at your place with someone avoiding the police is not a normal event on the life of an Aspie. Maybe your guy was played (e.g. by an old schoolmate), but until you have an explanation with actual proof you need to be on your guard. And "maybe sadism" /lol. Aspies don't hurt other people for their own amusement. )