Is this common among those with Autism?

[Edward764]

A few years from now when I retire, I hope to write an autobiography focused on the dozens of highly unusual distractions that have effected my academic life from Kindergarten all through the 11 wasted years of higher education beyond high school.
The distractions, and the resulting failures, are largely caused my inability to deal with many toxic friendships and other classmates in school environments. An extreme awareness of the improbability of these distractions, and their unique properties, has caused great emotional strife in my life, and had made concentrating on academic endeavors quite challenging. As a result, I am 61 years old, and have never earned more than $25,000/ year despite being a college graduate.
I am not 100% sure, however, that I am autistic, although two on line tests put me in the middle of the spectrum, and two counselors have told me I am. I would want an official diagnosis before I use autism as a possible theme for my book.
Although the following would not be a main theme to my book, it could be a social symptom of autism.
Despite my age, I have never had any romantic or physical relationship, and have never been out on a date.
Could autism be a strong possible reason for this?
Or, are most people with autism able to foster loving relationships?
On the outside, I appear quite normal, so my acquaintances would likely be shocked to find out I have never been on a date.

 

[Ginseng]

Well, I cannot speak for others but for myself it has been difficult. I have been divorced twice and the last time was 35 years ago. It takes me a long time to recover. I would like to know the stats on aspie relationships though. I think if we can have peace in our home then anything could work.
I think it would depend on why you have never been on a date. Have you never met someone you were interested in? Were you afraid to ask anyone out? Do you want a relationship? I know some people are just not interested in a romantic relationship.

 

[SusanLR]

I've dated, but, never interested in a partnership or marriage type relationship.
Never wanted children either.
I consider myself romantic-asexual. I've found emotional attractions to men,
but at the end of the day, they went their way and I went mine.
They were my best friends. The emotional part made it.
I'm the same age as you. Maybe you could become famous on the non-physical part of
your social life. If they thought the 40 year old virgin was great, how about....?
I know what you mean. I appear pretty normal also, aside of some quirky-ness.

 

[Autistamatic]

Hi Edward
It's not uncommon but not the rule. Some of it is due to our own tenacity and adaptability, some it is down to circumstance. There are those amongst us who have given up, there are others who never really wanted that kind of relationship in their lives.
Look through these pages and you will see many people who have difficulty meeting or keeping romantic partners and we as a community try to help and to provide emotional support, because few of us find it easy. It's not easy for most neurotypical people either, but people on the spectrum have our own set of challenges.
Those of us who have succeeded in finding a partner and made it last can relate our experiences, our observations and we can offer advice to putting oneself into a position where meeting someone an Aspie can gel with is more likely, but ultimately it's down to the individual.
It's a major source of frustration for many of us. Projects like the one you are considering are valuable, because they contribute to the pool of available knowledge that will help to overcome the barriers between AS people and the rest of the world through understanding and tolerance. I wish you the best with it.

 

[AniGa]

I personally feel absolutely zero empathy or sympathy for any person out there, only mysteriously excluding one friend of mine, whom I love with all my heart - the complete opposite extreme.
But aside from her, the only way I appreciate people is on a purely intellectual basis.

This wasn't always the case - I used to feel for people, and I had a couple romantic relationships as well...
... but back when that was the case, I was also highly socially awkward, bullied in school, all that stuff, and never longed to have many friends, or to be in a relationship just for the sake of it (as opposed to already being in love and thus longing for that specific person); even then I was kind of just fine with and simply appreciated the people I had.

So yeah, that's my two cents.
Make of it what you will.


Greets,
AG

 

[Tom]

Yeah, I could easily see that as autism related. But I won't say autism caused. People have very different makeups/personalities and that goes for HFAs as well as NTs (neurotypicals). Some are more forward and some more shy for example. Confidence and willingness to takes risks is a big factor.

 

[Judge]

Quite possibly. Though it's worth becoming familiar with all the possible comorbid conditions that can coexist with forms of autism as well.

Advantageous for you to have come here to explore such considerations by interacting with us, perhaps taking some online tests and just viewing so many posts to determine how much you may well relate to so many of us here.

Welcome to AF.

 

[Pats]

A few years from now when I retire, I hope to write an autobiography focused on the dozens of highly unusual distractions that have effected my academic life from Kindergarten all through the 11 wasted years of higher education beyond high school.
The distractions, and the resulting failures, are largely caused my inability to deal with many toxic friendships and other classmates in school environments. An extreme awareness of the improbability of these distractions, and their unique properties, has caused great emotional strife in my life, and had made concentrating on academic endeavors quite challenging. As a result, I am 61 years old, and have never earned more than $25,000/ year despite being a college graduate.
I am not 100% sure, however, that I am autistic, although two on line tests put me in the middle of the spectrum, and two counselors have told me I am. I would want an official diagnosis before I use autism as a possible theme for my book.
Although the following would not be a main theme to my book, it could be a social symptom of autism.
Despite my age, I have never had any romantic or physical relationship, and have never been out on a date.
Could autism be a strong possible reason for this?
Or, are most people with autism able to foster loving relationships?
On the outside, I appear quite normal, so my acquaintances would likely be shocked to find out I have never been on a date.

Hi Edward. This would make an interesting book and I hope you accomplish it.
I'll be 61 in a few days (didn't realize just how close it was). I think some are able to have romantic and physical relationships and others are not. Some are able to foster loving relationships and others are not. I know I'm capable of love because I love my kids and my grandkids as much as anyone is capable of loving anyone. But I don't do so well with the other. Marriage and me somehow never work out. I think I liked the idea of having that kind of relationship more than the relationship itself. (As for the why's that they didn't work out had nothing to do with my autism though because I actually do believe it's supposed to be til death do us part.)

 

[Pats]

Well, I cannot speak for others but for myself it has been difficult. I have been divorced twice and the last time was 35 years ago. It takes me a long time to recover. I would like to know the stats on aspie relationships though. I think if we can have peace in our home then anything could work.
I think it would depend on why you have never been on a date. Have you never met someone you were interested in? Were you afraid to ask anyone out? Do you want a relationship? I know some people are just not interested in a romantic relationship.

Hey Momster. stats would be interesting here, but I believe you'd have to look at circumstances along with it. I've been married and divorced three times I hate to say, but forced to marry when I was 16 and he drank and ran around from day 1 and I was told that was my cross to bear. 5 years was all I could bear it. Then I met the love of my life (still is) to learn about 5 years after that he was gay and a con artist and without going into the long story I felt kind of forced to leave him. So I raised my kids and probably was in that empty nest syndrome once they were all grown and I married and old high school boyfriend. He treated me like I was the most important thing in his life and was perfect - that is until the day we got married. And I mean drastically. We went to Gatlinburg to get married and when we got there was something in one of the shop windows that I wanted and he said we'd go tomorrow after we got married. Nope, didn't happen and from then on nothing I wanted mattered. I learned about narcissists and there was no peace in our home and I had no comfort zone. I moved back to NC and this past year (after 6 years of me being here) he finally realized I meant it when I said I was not coming back and he decided he wanted a divorce. I think the last marriage wouldn't have happened if I had known about the autism because I would have realized I needed to be alone to be me.

 

[tducey]

I'm 36 and have never been in a relationship here. I have female friends but none that are anything more than friends. It's not easy sometimes but you make the best of it.

 

[Edward764]

Thanks for all the thoughtful responses.
There have been three women, none in the last 25 years, whom I really wanted a relationship with; however, the last two brought forth extreme and unhealthy "loving" feelings that were overreactions to the kindness and respect they showed me, which had been lacking in my life.
Although I cannot say with certainly that I am autistic, I was diagnosed with what was regarded as a highly unusual learning disability back in 1963 when I was 5-6 years old.
When I was 18, I read my clinical chart from 13 years earlier. One clinician wrote " I was functioning at a retarded level and can't do exercises in school". The closing statement in one of the letters about me said " Thank you for referring this highly unusual case to me for visual care. "
I was diagnosed with crossed hemispheric dominance, which affected by coordination, balance, and depth perception. I was awkward, and not able to participate in any organized sports. I was about the only kid in school without a little league uniform.
I also rocked back and forth, twiddled my fingers, and made odd high pitched sounds, which are common for those with autism.
Needless to say, I attracted toxic people to me at school, primarily including three very cruel "friends" who I allowed to ruin my high school days, and two of them remained as outsiders when I was in college.
I was bullied, teased and ridiculed consistently from grades 7-12. In addition to these three awful friends, there were about eight other bullies who I had to deal with for months at a time.

I am sorry to say that one of these so called friends, who was the greatest nightmare of the bunch, and who I have not seen since 1980. tried to contact me on face book three days ago. This was his 2nd attempt in three weeks. I deleted him this time.
The reason I went off topic here is to provide background to help explain how two of these women affected me in such a neurotic and powerful way.
The feelings I had for them developed instantaneously. Feelings for the first one set me back about a year in college.
I will explain in my next post how this "love" suddenly came to be.