Is this the life I'm choosing?

[SimonSays]

Is this the life I'm choosing?
It must be because I keep choosing it.
There's little point imagining things can change, without doing something to change them.
Or wanting things to remain the same while understanding how important change is.

But to consciously change requires intention.
I need to know what I want before I can.
But what if I don’t know what I want?
I have to make the best of where I am in the meantime.
Accept this is just how it is.
The path of least resistance so to speak.

Whenever I attempt to make any real change, especially over the last few years, I experience a strong sense of don't do that or don't think that way, which eventually stops me.

And I see why this might be.

If I decide I want things to be different, because the grass looks greener over there, and I want to let go of what’s going on here, it is not a good choice, even if the choice itself may seem like a good one, the reason for choosing it isn’t.
And so I choose to be where I am instead.
And I become used to living here.

Life has to be simple though.
Simplicity is incredibly important to me.
I recognise there may also be a decline in mental agility, making simplification even more important.
But real simplicity takes time to achieve.
It is a process of letting go.
An idea here. An idea there.
With some ideas taking time to arrive.
While others needing to be in place before they can.

Eventually I reach a level that feels right.
In fact, it can even feel like things are good in my strange little world for a bit.
No longer struggling. No longer suffering. Just being who I am.

To be simple requires I live simply.
This life may not be the simplest one I could imagine, just the simplest version I can make right now.

I have come to understand that if I’m ever truly hungry, I discover how incredibly tasty the blandest food becomes. So I appreciate what I have, which is so easily taken for granted.

I'm no longer trying to be someone I'm not.
To find peace, I understand how little the circumstances of my life really matter.
I recognise that the state of my mind is the only thing that actually does.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Change is hard, but sometimes necessary. Understanding that ideas take time before one internalizes them is so very important. I am not finding that easy either. I am having a hard time accepting positive ideas about myself as I struggle with processing PTSD from earlier social isolation.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@SimonSays I will say it again,...I enjoy reading your posts. Very insightful,...and personal. My mind is in a different realm than yours,...but I appreciate your mind as well. I would have never sat down and had the types of thoughts you do. I think in another life, as room mates, you and I would be a modern version of the "Odd Couple", but great friends, none-the-less.

I am a "fixer",...the type of person that will look at a problem and find a solution to correct the situation. I enjoy looking at how things work,...I can often find answers that way. Then I read your posts,...and I am at a loss for an answer because you are more on the psychological and humanity plane, well thought out,...and I have nothing to add to the conversation. Thanks for reminding me of perspective,...it is often a helpful reminder.

Take care.

 

[SimonSays]

I think in another life, as room mates, you and I would be a modern version of the "Odd Couple", but great friends, none-the-less.

What an interesting thought: a modern version of the 'odd couple'. I like the sound of it. I can't imagine what another life as room mates might be like, but I have a feeling you would be right about the friendship.