yesterdaysmom
Well-Known Member
First off, some background. I've never known much about Austism and never knew Aspergers even existed. But, recently while researching Autism to see if my daughter is mildly Autistic, I discovered that I am an Aspie and that my husband is probably on the spectrum somewhere as well. Before this realization, my family has gotten along in our own way because we had developed an awareness of our oddities. For instance, I don't always realize someone is speaking to me right away. I had taught all my children to come up to me, touch me on the arm and say mommy in a quiet manner to get my direct attention. I didn't know why I needed them to do this. But, it worked. As did a lot of things that we had developed to keep peace in our family of 6. We have 4 children ages 2 to 7. Life worked pretty good for us.
Enter my mom. She is probably an Aspie also, but a very high strung one. We moved a few states away from her a couple years ago. Last winter she stayed with us for about a month. This winter she came in November and is still here in May. So, all was going okay for awhile. She can be overbearing at times. But, recently, she has been under a lot of stress and she is literally tearing apart all the things my family has naturally developed to keep peace in the house. She favors my son who may be mildly Autistic and has a bit of a spite or something at my daughter who I believe is definitely mildly Autistic. Using the same example from above, when my son tries to get my attention, before I have time to realize that he is speaking to me, she starts yelling at me about how I never listen to him and that he is going to grow up thinking about how his mom never listened to him. She says this in front of him. Also, my husband and I might get into an argument about something. But, we always make up. But, even after my husband and I have already made up, she won't let it go. She starts rehashing everything and tells me (in front of the kids) that he needs to stop doing this and that I need to stop doing something and that we are going to end in divorce if we don't do better. We've been married for 8 years and we always make up right away. One of the things she rehashes a lot is that I go silent a lot. If I get upset, I just stop talking. She has this way of starting arguments and getting old arguments started again. I think she is an Aspie also and I don't think she realizes what she is doing. She thinks she is helping. But, she is not helping!
I'm just wondering if anyone has dealt with this and how do you deal with this? Normal advice like tell her how it makes you feel does not work with her. She has no understanding that her actions are hurtful. I am trying to understand that she may not be able to help it anymore than I can help some stuff I do. But, it can't go on like this or she is going to drive my family apart. I know this because I now see that she did this to my sister. My sister was a single mom of 3 children. Two of her kids were diagnosed as ADD and ADHD. But, I believe that my sister is an Aspie and that her two sons also are Aspies. My mom played favorite to the oldest son, who grew up with a spite at my sister because of my mom's comments. She undermined every effort my sister made to raise her kids. Now, the pattern is starting on me! I don't want that to happen to my family and I want our peace back that we had before she came in and started changing the rules and routine on us.
Enter my mom. She is probably an Aspie also, but a very high strung one. We moved a few states away from her a couple years ago. Last winter she stayed with us for about a month. This winter she came in November and is still here in May. So, all was going okay for awhile. She can be overbearing at times. But, recently, she has been under a lot of stress and she is literally tearing apart all the things my family has naturally developed to keep peace in the house. She favors my son who may be mildly Autistic and has a bit of a spite or something at my daughter who I believe is definitely mildly Autistic. Using the same example from above, when my son tries to get my attention, before I have time to realize that he is speaking to me, she starts yelling at me about how I never listen to him and that he is going to grow up thinking about how his mom never listened to him. She says this in front of him. Also, my husband and I might get into an argument about something. But, we always make up. But, even after my husband and I have already made up, she won't let it go. She starts rehashing everything and tells me (in front of the kids) that he needs to stop doing this and that I need to stop doing something and that we are going to end in divorce if we don't do better. We've been married for 8 years and we always make up right away. One of the things she rehashes a lot is that I go silent a lot. If I get upset, I just stop talking. She has this way of starting arguments and getting old arguments started again. I think she is an Aspie also and I don't think she realizes what she is doing. She thinks she is helping. But, she is not helping!
I'm just wondering if anyone has dealt with this and how do you deal with this? Normal advice like tell her how it makes you feel does not work with her. She has no understanding that her actions are hurtful. I am trying to understand that she may not be able to help it anymore than I can help some stuff I do. But, it can't go on like this or she is going to drive my family apart. I know this because I now see that she did this to my sister. My sister was a single mom of 3 children. Two of her kids were diagnosed as ADD and ADHD. But, I believe that my sister is an Aspie and that her two sons also are Aspies. My mom played favorite to the oldest son, who grew up with a spite at my sister because of my mom's comments. She undermined every effort my sister made to raise her kids. Now, the pattern is starting on me! I don't want that to happen to my family and I want our peace back that we had before she came in and started changing the rules and routine on us.
